Any parents *not* bring toddlers to Mass?

[The_Rigbys]

Hi,

In the “loud children” thread, I’ve seen several claims that Catholics have always brought their babies and toddlers to Mass. Some have said that this is how children get their first lessons in the faith. While reading the lives of the saints, though, I’ve been surprised to find evidence to the contrary. In many times and places, small children have routinely stayed at home while the rest of the family went to Mass.

For example:

In “The Story of a Soul,” St. Therese mentions a time when she wanted to go to Mass, but wasn’t old enough yet.

In “Love Letters to My Husband,” St. Gianna Molla writes of her son, age 2 1/2: “This morning, he just had to go to Mass, no matter what: ‘I’m big now. I’ll be good.’”

In one of her books, Maria von Trapp mentions that the early-morning Low Mass was mainly for servants, and people who have to care for small children. The rest of the family would customarily attend the mid-morning High Mass (evidently, leaving the small children to be cared for by the early-Mass attenders).

Please understand: I’m not saying that parents shouldn’t have the option of bringing their babies and toddlers to Mass. I understand the appeal of having the whole family there, side by side. I can also see that it’s a practical necessity in many cases. But, if the the parents decide to make other arrangements, I don’t think it’s fair to conclude that their children will be spiritually deprived. After all, the Little Flower managed to learn the faith just fine.

In our case, we have a little girl who’s starting to crawl, and isn’t happy to be held for long stretches of time. What with the hair-pulling, the missal-grabbing, the random loud noises, and the physical strain of holding 20 lb. of wriggling baby, Mass just doesn’t seem so rewarding for any of us these days. My husband and I are thinking of taking turns on weekdays, and maybe doing “shifts” on Sundays, too.

Has anyone else tried this? How long did you do it for? How did it work for you?

God bless,
Mrs. R

 

[daniellet]

My husband and I take turns on Sundays being “in charge” of our 18 month old. He is a very squirmy little boy and he doesn’t like to sit still! I really don’t think God expects an 18 month old to sit still and “behave” for an hour and a half. The drive to mass is nice as a family. When we get there, we bring Jack in for as long as he enjoys it. When he starts squaking and trying to get out of the pew, the “in charge” parent will take him out. My husband takes him out and lets him walk around outside. Last Sunday, I took him out to the van. I prayed the rosary while he was amusing himself climbing all over the seats. It was actually quite lovely. I am assuming when he is about 3 he will be able to sit through mass. But by then, if God so blesses us, I imagine we will be starting the process all over with a new little one!

 

[BLB_Oregon]

I have twins who are not only active, but also hard of hearing (as in they wear hearing aids), so they are quite loud. We started in the cry room, but they got this idea that going to church involves going to playland over behind the glass. Even then, I could almost never hear the homily. For some time now, I have gone to church alone… my husband stays home with them, but doesn’t go on his own, because he’s not Catholic. When we did go together, he would invariably take them out at about the Our Father, because the three of them were out of mutual coping skills. (Really, and hour and fifteen minutes is a bit long for a toddler to be quiet!)

It is hard either way, but now they’re five, and it is high time they go. It isn’t easier for having left them home, but I don’t know if there was an easy way. I will say without a doubt that being able to go to Mass and really attend to it does immense good to my coping skills for the rest of the week. I also think that we would have gotten out of the cry room when they were able to crawl, if we had it to do over again, but for many of you, at least one parent will be back in there with Baby #2 before long.

 

[Praise_Singer]

I am one of six children. My parents almost always went in shifts: one of them stayed home with the younger children. I think this lasted until my youngest sister was about 4 or 5.

I tried the “crying room” in my parish, but then left it. The toddlers and preschoolers were so noisy running around that we couldn’t hear a thing over the loud speakers.

We had a co-op nursery, and I left my 6m to 2y.o.s in there. The weeks I had to work in it, I left my child in during a second mass and went to that one. Or sent the kids home with my husband. And for a while, we had 3 year old and 4 year old Sunday school classes during mass, so one of my daughters was in there.

Even when quietly explaing what is going on, I believe it is very difficult for a young child to learn much during mass. You teach so much more about Christianity at home, by how you act and what you say.

 

[akemner]

We always take our children to any service we can. Our parishes (Eastern Catholic) typically do not have cryrooms, so they are always in the community, fussing, playing, or whatever. No one minds, since given our sacramental theology, children are every bit a part of the Church as adults are. Anyway, services can be long (Divine Liturgy can last from an hour to 2.5 hours), and we often will go to Matins (if it is served) making for multi-hour services. It sounds counter-intuitive, and asking for trouble, but if they are used to it, shorter services are a breeze (we get compliments on how well behaved our kids are). It takes effort, and a lot of patience, but having children at church helps to show that it is important and that they need to be there, though they have little idea of what is going on.

In Christ,
Adam

 

[davidv]

We are parents of 6 children ranging from 27 to 15 year old twins. Unless one of the children was too sick to go to mass, we took them every Sunday. We treated this as one more opportunity to teach them obedience. One advantage we had was that the children had a stay-at-home mom, so there was consistent discipline at home and at church. If we had to remove them because disruptive behavior, there was no playing, or other “fun” things during the “time out”. We also didn’t bring toys or food to occupy them. They we expected to be quiet and pay attention - consistent with their ages. More often than not they lived up to those expectations.

 

[Suse]

I have a 16 month old, very active, very loud, always moving at home. My husband and I hold him the entire time in church. We’ve learned that if we let him stand/sit/climb on the pews he thinks it is playtime and acts like he does at home. He is learning that church is a special place where he must be quiet and look at his books or just sit, which is a challenge. We practice just sitting and looking at books at home quietly during the week.

We sit in the same row every week, near the front so he isn’t distracted by other people and can see the movements at the altar. we get to church earlier so people who choose to sit near us see we have a toddler and know there may be a fuss issue. However, we are concious about being a distraction to other’s celebration.

He does have the occasional fit where one of us must leave the church with him, but he can’t get out of our arms and walk around during that time. We’re teaching him that church is a special place and not playtime - from start to finish, and we hold him even behind the doors. It is how we parent our children and letting them know what behaviors are acceptable and where, without exception.

Sure, he doesn’t know what is going on. But we are able to whisper to him “look, there’s Jesus”, “Grandpa was an alterboy just like those boys up there” which capture his attention for a few moments, and start teaching him what Mass is. One time we were reminded Jesus says “Let the children come to me…” encouraged to keep coming to Mass with the children.

 

[Brad]

I can say with some limited experience, it is worth taking the kids and bearing it out at times. The whole family being together has great advantages in the faith life of the family and the individuals within it. Mass is not meant to be rewarding. We are participating in the sacrifice. We learn, we love, we participate in the union of the Body of Christ.

Jesus said “Let the little children come to me.”

Yes, sometimes it is tiring, but it is worth it. I believe that children live up to your expectations. If you expect them to have best behavior for just 1 key hour in a week, they will live up to this expectation. We never allow toys - my 5 year old is now interested in the readings, the missalettes, and the prayers and communion. The kids love Eucharistic Adoration and bring their rosary and their prayer books with pictures.

If you do not expect the kids to make an effort to be involved in the mass at very young ages, don’t expect them to do so when they get older either. It doesn’t just snap on - they may not cry and squirm later, but their understanding of the importance of being at mass - where Heaven literally meets Earth, will be gravely underestimated. The children need to know that mass is so important, the whole family needs to go, they should be dressed as in attending a fine restaurant, they should listen to what is happening, they should participate in the prayers, and mommy and daddy must participate in prayers, song etc, thus they should interrupt their parents only if absolutely necessary.

I understand you cannot verbally communicate these things to a 6 month old or sometimes even a 2 year old - but you can set example very early by actions(more tips: no kneelers unless it is time to kneel, no laying down, face forward, and no playing with your sibling, and - if Dad or Mom have to take you in the back - it will not be a pleasant expereince - if it is pleasant, they’ll want to go back there every time) - it takes some consistency, diligence and determination - but - then, so does all good things to be achieved in life. You receive the graces and then some for being at mass, even if you missed a word or two of the homily or the Second reading.

God Bless.

 

[sparkle]

Thank you for even posing this question in the first place!

I deeply feel parents with toddlers who fuss, scream, fidgit should NOT be in Mass. This is a time in your life, a season, when, you have to make sacrifices for the good of mankind here. Perhaps each parent trade off attending Mass, one going, one staying home with the fussing babies/toddlers. Perhaps one going Saturday nite, one going Sundays. Please know this is merely a stage in your life, it will soon pass, but also please know friends, that YOU need to have consideration for those folks who are IN the Mass and who do not want to be disturbed by all the fussing babies/toddlers, with accompanying parents who do not have the courtesy to go out so 90% Percent of the Church can focus.!!! I beg you, urge you to be considerate of others here. I know this is a sticky issue, such a biggie among Catholics, the family ah yes, praise it…etc…the more the better…BUT, I beg you to have consideration. MOST DO NOT WANT TO HEAR your screaming, fussing little ones in MASS. It is not enjoyable, it is sooo irritating!..Kindly parents have some common courtesy!

 

[MamaAtHome]

We go to mass together, each morning as a family. Once in a while if Dh has an early meeting, I take the kids by myself.

 

[weunice]

On most occasions my wife and I alternate but we do go together and bring the kids sometimes. My participation in mass on those days is limited to making sure my sons are not preventing others from focusing (3 yrs and 14 months). Even though I am meeting my obligation, I feel like I am not.

To me it is a matter of being able to focus at mass and allowing others to participate to the fullest. I am about to take a job with Monday’s off. I am going to avail myself of this opportunity to start taking my 3 year old to mass with just me on Sunday and make a mass by myself on Monday. He has started to calm down from where he was 6 months ago. I may change the schedule to half days on Friday for the first week of every month so I can make first Friday masses throughout the year WITH my family. A local homeschool group here makes sure all of the families do this.

To me, working with our toddlers in mass is a work in progress. I want to make sure I consider the needs of others but I also recognize, as is mentioned in other posts here, that the kids need to start learning the discipline of regular mass attendance and being calm in mass.

Now when going to an occasional TLM, I am confused enough as it is without needing my kids there.

 

[RichT]

My wife and I have three girls, 5, 2, and 10 months. We are fortunate that our parish has a full blown child care center, and yes they all go there for Sunday mass. In the childcare center the older kids are taught a lesson based on the Gospel of the day and also have time for some art work. My five year old actually does really well when we do bring her to mass, but the other two are pretty rambunctious. Did I spell that right? Anyway, we keep the family together for special masses like Christmas and Easter. We have done the cry room, but as someone already pointed out it is just crazy in there. It’s like some of the adults go there so they can get away with not paying attention. As far as keeping them with us, well I understand what some have said about keeping the family together, but I just don’t agree that getting up and down through the entire mass to correct a problem is appropriate for me. To me this is not only disruptive to my fellow parishoners, but to me as well. Call it selfish, but I prefer to be able to focus on the mass without any disturbances. But again, to each his own.

 

[Brad]

sparkle:

Thank you for even posing this question in the first place!

I deeply feel parents with toddlers who fuss, scream, fidgit should NOT be in Mass. This is a time in your life, a season, when, you have to make sacrifices for the good of mankind here. Perhaps each parent trade off attending Mass, one going, one staying home with the fussing babies/toddlers. Perhaps one going Saturday nite, one going Sundays. Please know this is merely a stage in your life, it will soon pass, but also please know friends, that YOU need to have consideration for those folks who are IN the Mass and who do not want to be disturbed by all the fussing babies/toddlers, with accompanying parents who do not have the courtesy to go out so 90% Percent of the Church can focus.!!! I beg you, urge you to be considerate of others here. I know this is a sticky issue, such a biggie among Catholics, the family ah yes, praise it…etc…the more the better…BUT, I beg you to have consideration. MOST DO NOT WANT TO HEAR your screaming, fussing little ones in MASS. It is not enjoyable, it is sooo irritating!..Kindly parents have some common courtesy!

My children have experienced so much love and caring and good examples from our friends because they attended mass from day one. I have much more concern regarding the adults in mass that do not pay any attention, yawn, talk, don’t sing or participate in the prayers, and selectively choose what they want to believe from the readings and the homilies.

I challenge you to have some courtesy and lend an appreciative or helping hand to a family in that is doing the right thing in bringing their family to mass. Perhaps a smile during the Peace of Christ or a hello after mass is over. It’s hard enought to raise families in this day and age and instill positive values in them without worrying that your kids are unwelcome at Church - this is the kind of message we need to get over in the Catholic Church and why the Protestant Churches are booming with fellowship and good will. Everyone is welcome to the Mass. Praise Be to God.

I’d rather have 250 2-year olds screaming at my mass then have them all home watching TV.

 

[Garret]

We have a very active 3 yo and 1 yo. My husband and I have tried taking them, sitting in the front, cry room, etc. The cry room at our church is a little room in the back corner of the church as we have an old church and this “cry room” does little to block the noise. Therefore, we take turns going. One of us goes Saturday night and the other Sunday morning. We both find this a much better solution as we can participate at Mass.

 

[Olympia]

The Rigbys:

Hi,

In the “loud children” thread, I’ve seen several claims that Catholics have always brought their babies and toddlers to Mass. Some have said that this is how children get their first lessons in the faith. While reading the lives of the saints, though, I’ve been surprised to find evidence to the contrary. In many times and places, small children have routinely stayed at home while the rest of the family went to Mass.

For example:

In “The Story of a Soul,” St. Therese mentions a time when she wanted to go to Mass, but wasn’t old enough yet.

In “Love Letters to My Husband,” St. Gianna Molla writes of her son, age 2 1/2: “This morning, he just had to go to Mass, no matter what: ‘I’m big now. I’ll be good.’”

In one of her books, Maria von Trapp mentions that the early-morning Low Mass was mainly for servants, and people who have to care for small children. The rest of the family would customarily attend the mid-morning High Mass (evidently, leaving the small children to be cared for by the early-Mass attenders).

Please understand: I’m not saying that parents shouldn’t have the option of bringing their babies and toddlers to Mass. I understand the appeal of having the whole family there, side by side. I can also see that it’s a practical necessity in many cases. But, if the the parents decide to make other arrangements, I don’t think it’s fair to conclude that their children will be spiritually deprived. After all, the Little Flower managed to learn the faith just fine.

In our case, we have a little girl who’s starting to crawl, and isn’t happy to be held for long stretches of time. What with the hair-pulling, the missal-grabbing, the random loud noises, and the physical strain of holding 20 lb. of wriggling baby, Mass just doesn’t seem so rewarding for any of us these days. My husband and I are thinking of taking turns on weekdays, and maybe doing “shifts” on Sundays, too.

Has anyone else tried this? How long did you do it for? How did it work for you?

I am in my 60’s, and my children are in their 40’s. In those days of Tridentine masses, most children started to make an appearance in church at about age 3, when it was REASONABLE to expect a child to stay REASONABLY still and REASONABLY quiet. Most people I know took turns staying at home with the children while the other parent went to mass. It was a great day of celebration and pointing out what a BIg Boy or Girl you were, you can come to church with us now, it is very important that you only whisper, and you’d better listen to what the priest says. We sat up front so they would have something to see.

By the way, we all kept our winter coats on all during the mass, it was in the 70’s that I first saw winter coats removed as soon as one sat down. AND, there was absolutely NO THOUGHT of bringing in water or juice, let alone snacks and noisy toys. The children were allowed a picture book of the Mass or other religious material to amuse themselves if necessary. Children were not allowed to run in the aisles, and it was 3 squawks and you were OUT!! with the father.

Little infants sometimes were at church to show them off to friends, they could have a bottle with them, and they usually slept. If they cried, the parents would take them out.

The guiding principle of behavior was to not disturb the other people attending at mass. It was consideration for other people that was the important thing. It was not repression or authoritarianism, or anything negative. Church was a place of reverence and worship, not a place of catering to the amusement of little ones.

—OLYMPIA

 

[SeekerJen]

sparkle:

I deeply feel parents with toddlers who fuss, scream, fidgit should NOT be in Mass. This is a time in your life, a season, when, you have to make sacrifices for the good of mankind here. Perhaps each parent trade off attending Mass, one going, one staying home with the fussing babies/toddlers. Perhaps one going Saturday nite, one going Sundays. Please know this is merely a stage in your life, it will soon pass, but also please know friends, that YOU need to have consideration for those folks who are IN the Mass and who do not want to be disturbed by all the fussing babies/toddlers, with accompanying parents who do not have the courtesy to go out so 90% Percent of the Church can focus.!!! I beg you, urge you to be considerate of others here. I know this is a sticky issue, such a biggie among Catholics, the family ah yes, praise it…etc…the more the better…BUT, I beg you to have consideration. MOST DO NOT WANT TO HEAR your screaming, fussing little ones in MASS. It is not enjoyable, it is sooo irritating!..Kindly parents have some common courtesy!

Huh. I’m not a mom yet, but I can honestly say that with the rare exception, other people’s children do not bother me in the least at Mass, even if they’re fidgeting or crying. Those rare exceptions would be when the children are pulling the hair of the people in front of them, kicking the back of the pew in front of them, throwing things, fighting with siblings, etc. Even then I can’t blame the kids, it’s the parents’ responsibility to teach their children how to behave. But 98% of the children I’ve seen were well-behaved for their age. Babies are going to cry on occasion. Toddlers are occasionally going to babble and fuss and get bored. If they’re baptized they’re just as much a part of the Body of Christ as those of us who are mature enough to control ourselves.

That’s not to say that I have a problem with parents choosing to take shifts, or use the nursery or Sunday school. That’s completely up to them, and they shouldn’t have to feel unworthy if they use the nursery, nor should they feel unwelcome if they bring their children to Mass.

 

[RichT]

I just wanted to add that I usually don’t get distracted from other children who come to mass, unless of course they are extremely unruly. Like the little boy last week who took an oppurtunity to literaly RUN down the pew and back while everyone was standing. He just barely made it back before being sat on. Anyway, I find that having to deal with my own children and their antics is what truly distracts me, hence the childcare center. It’s what works for my wife and I.

 

[MamaAtHome]

Please know this is merely a stage in your life, it

Yes, indeed, it is a stage in our lives. A stage in my life that has so far lasted 10 years, with, most likely, many years of fertility left. It will be a long stage in my life, one my husband and I don’t intended to do without the graces of daily mass. I have 2 children that recieve Our Lord each day too, with each mass they celebrate, their place in heaven is elevated. I hope to be instilling in them a life long practice of daily mass attendence. I seriously doubt that Christ wants us checking our children at the door.

In this day and age, when children are looked upon as such a burden, and are so unwelcome at large, I am astonished to learn that they are Catholics who do not feel that these precious children are welcome at mass. The last place a family should be made to feel unwelcome is in front of the Blessed Sacrament.

Well, anyway, we are not going to mass to irritate you or anyone else, we are not going to win your approval either, we are going for HIM. HE is calling us to himself each day.

 

[Fergal]

sparkle:

Thank you for even posing this question in the first place!

I deeply feel parents with toddlers who fuss, scream, fidgit should NOT be in Mass. This is a time in your life, a season, when, you have to make sacrifices for the good of mankind here. Perhaps each parent trade off attending Mass, one going, one staying home with the fussing babies/toddlers. Perhaps one going Saturday nite, one going Sundays. Please know this is merely a stage in your life, it will soon pass, but also please know friends, that YOU need to have consideration for those folks who are IN the Mass and who do not want to be disturbed by all the fussing babies/toddlers, with accompanying parents who do not have the courtesy to go out so 90% Percent of the Church can focus.!!! I beg you, urge you to be considerate of others here. I know this is a sticky issue, such a biggie among Catholics, the family ah yes, praise it…etc…the more the better…BUT, I beg you to have consideration. MOST DO NOT WANT TO HEAR your screaming, fussing little ones in MASS. It is not enjoyable, it is sooo irritating!..Kindly parents have some common courtesy!

 

[Fergal]

Sparkle,

It is so sad to see that you do not realise the importance of the presence of those little ones. You have done nothing but highlight the age old problem of selfishness. You show a complete lack of understanding of both Communion and Community.

You know the disciples tried to protect a tired Lord and Master from the ambush of mere children. What did the Lord do? He rebuked them. “Let them come to me” He said. I guess they clambered all over Him. Nothing changes with the Lord. His call today is exactly the same. He followed that call with a warning. Mt:18:2 And Jesus, calling unto him a little child, set him in the midst of them and said: Amen I say to you, unless you be converted, and become as little children, you shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.”

Let me share a story that happened only today. I have called it

“THE SHORT DISTURBING VISIT THE LORD RECEIVED TODAY”

I was in the Parish office with a friend today when we both noticed a young boy and girl approaching the Church. They were making in haste for the Adoration Chapel. They were walking hand in hand.

Our parish office faces the door to the Adoration Chapel. So as they entered they had to pass the office. They saluted us and I would say the girl was no more than 5 or 6 the little boy 3 or 4. It was such a delight to see them hand in hand with obvious intention. Of course we became a little worried when they were entering the Chapel.

They pulled open the door to the Chapel and walked in very matter of fact much to the obvious distaste of those already there in adoration. Those present tut-tutted and involved themselves in much head shaking and frowning. All eyes followed the little ones as they entered and left which took all of about 2 mins.

On the way out as they were leaving we asked what they were up to expecting them to say the usual “Oh Nothing…”

The little girl replied “We just came to see Holy God and pray for our little brother who died when he fell out of his cot…”

Talk about a gut punch. I was stunned.

All those adoring their God had missed the point completely. Blinded by selfishness. Those kids entered in a very matter of fact way because it was a matter of fact to them. A fact that God was there and their little brother was with Him too.

I then became very aware of the immense love and delight given to God by that brief visit crowned with innocent prayer. Imagine the Lord , from the Sacred Host, turning to see the door open and the little ones 6 and 3, hand in hand, come to see Him. WOW.

I was so emotional and still am still very emotional when I think of that little disturbing visit the Lord received today by those little ones who were capable of no more that distraction and annoyance.

Anyway Sparkle, I believe a heart in communication and adoration is a very hard heart to distract.

Fergal

Naas

Ireland