I was a cradle Catholic, but never had the chance to attend Catholic school. I had very limited CCD in my tiny town in our tiny parish. Fell away at 18 when I didn’t have to go anymore. Got married in the Catholic Church, even though my fiance/husband wasn’t fully practicing either. Had kids. Moved to a small town where it was known we were Catholic, and felt ‘peer pressure’ to go to Church, plus we wanted our kids to have religious formation.
I went, sat in the front row or two (easier for kids to pay attention) and went through the motions. I sank more and more into desolation, not knowing why or how. One night, I struggled greatly, after about 6 months of attending Church and not ‘feeling it’ or truly living it. I went to sleep that night (finally) and woke up like nothing had changed. I hadn’t prayed to God; I hadn’t even talked to God. It was one of the lowest nights of my life. It’s hard to explain. We dressed and went to Mass.
When I walked into the Church that morning, I believed in a woman’s right to ‘choose’ abortion; that divorce was okay, and any number of things that didn’t coincide with God’s teachings (which are also the Church’s teachings). I had ‘morals’, but they were mine, not God’s.
Referring back to being a cradle Catholic, despite being one and attending a thousand Masses in my lifetime, I always ALWAYS needed the missalette to recite the Nicene Creed. Every time. Without fail.
I don’t recall the Scripture; I don’t recall the Homily. What I do know is this:
When I stood to recite the Creed, I didn’t pick up the book. The Words flowed out of my mouth in prayer, and the Voice I heard was not mine. I felt lightness of being, and a glow. No one around me noticed a thing. When I walked through those doors leaving Mass, my heart had changed. Completely. I hadn’t asked God what the answers were to my beliefs; He put them on my heart. He gave me answers to questions I didn’t know I had. I didn’t even have the knowledge to ask the questions to which I’d been given answers; they were so above my head, so to speak. I knew He wanted me to be Catholic. I knew abortion, divorce and other things were wrong, 100%. I knew that the Catholic Church was His Way for me and for us. I ‘knew’ things were right. I didn’t ask. That’s why I know it’s true. The thoughts and doubts weren’t even on my MIND, yet He corrected them and put them in my heart and soul.
For weeks after, so many things happened that it’s too much to share here. Each one reinforced God’s love and truth for me. But that’s how I came back to the Church in my mid 20s. We became actively involved in our parish, and led a good life, for a long time.
I fell away again, because of my pride mostly, and sinful human nature, and my weakness, in my 30s. It wasn’t a good time for me. I’ll share that in the next post.
