H
holyrood
Guest
I wonder if any of those who have given their thoughts have ever experienced infidelity or being lied to, gaslighted, moreover.
Do *you *care when you realize someone is lying to you? When someone lies to you repeatedly, do you simply ‘forgive’ and ‘move on,’ continuing a relationship with them, never knowing when they’re telling the truth and when they’re lying?
In the matter of infidelity, lying matters quite a lot. There are those pesky little matters of venereal diseases, for instance. Forgiveness is well and good, but when facing marital infidelity and lies that make it difficult to know what’s really going on, one also has to decide whether it’s safe to sleep with their spouse anymore.
As long as he refuses to admit that he lied, he’s telling you he’s quite willing to continue lying to you, and willing to lie to you again. The question is how long can two people manage to live together and have any semblance of relationship when one is willing to lie to the other, when one is not trustworthy?
And to call her obsessed–how cruel, and what a lack of understanding of what it is to be lied to. Yes you do become ‘obsessed’ because you’re trying to figure out what happened while you’re constantly being lied to, and you’re trying to heal and ‘forgive’ while the wound is constantly being ripped open again.
To call someone in this situation ‘obsessed’ is like kicking someone repeatedly in a broken leg and then criticizing them for being in pain.
And then when you seek advice you get accused of enjoying the drama.
It’s a major decision to leave a marriage, especially when there are children involved. It’s great financial and emotional upheaval for her and any children involved, and not a decision to be made lightly–hence seeking advice. And you tell her either do something or shut up. She’s trying to do something; she’s trying to decide what is the right thing to do.
My thoughts on the whole situation are that a lot of people are confusing ‘forgiveness’ with ‘continuing to live with abuse,’ and being lied to is a horrible form of abuse that results in cognitive dissonance and never knowing what you can or can’t believe. It is IMPOSSIBLE to build a real relationship on such a foundation.
I don’t think real love can ever flourish where there are lies, either.
I enforced an in-house separation when I couldn’t trust my now ex/annuled husband about his actions with other women, and hence couldn’t trust that he wouldn’t pass on a disease to me. When I did that, I no longer cared if he was lying about other women because it no longer endangered me.
Then I started finding out about the huge debt he’d been hiding; then money started disappearing from my bank account. Once again, his lies endangered me and now our children, too. We would have lost the house. Divorce was the only legal protection.
As to the lie detector test, I didn’t ask XH to take one because I know they’re not 100% reliable, but if a man lies so much that people start talking about having him take a lie detector test, I think maybe he’s the one who should be criticized for lying so much, not the person being lied to.
Do *you *care when you realize someone is lying to you? When someone lies to you repeatedly, do you simply ‘forgive’ and ‘move on,’ continuing a relationship with them, never knowing when they’re telling the truth and when they’re lying?
In the matter of infidelity, lying matters quite a lot. There are those pesky little matters of venereal diseases, for instance. Forgiveness is well and good, but when facing marital infidelity and lies that make it difficult to know what’s really going on, one also has to decide whether it’s safe to sleep with their spouse anymore.
There’s a difference between forgiving and continuing to live with a behavior that someone may not be willing to change. To me, this isn’t about forgiveness, but about the decision of whether to continue trying have a life with someone who is proving himself untrustworthy and willing to lie to you.
As long as he refuses to admit that he lied, he’s telling you he’s quite willing to continue lying to you, and willing to lie to you again. The question is how long can two people manage to live together and have any semblance of relationship when one is willing to lie to the other, when one is not trustworthy?
You have obviously never been a victim of lies and gaslighting. I find this response horrifying–blaming the victim.
And to call her obsessed–how cruel, and what a lack of understanding of what it is to be lied to. Yes you do become ‘obsessed’ because you’re trying to figure out what happened while you’re constantly being lied to, and you’re trying to heal and ‘forgive’ while the wound is constantly being ripped open again.
To call someone in this situation ‘obsessed’ is like kicking someone repeatedly in a broken leg and then criticizing them for being in pain.
Again, I’m horrified by this. Having been through infidelity, years of lies, and gaslighting, I speak from experience in saying there is horrible cognitive dissonance, you feel like you’re going crazy, you’re holding the proof and yet someone you trusted and loved is telling you you’re not seeing what you think you’re seeing.
And then when you seek advice you get accused of enjoying the drama.
It’s a major decision to leave a marriage, especially when there are children involved. It’s great financial and emotional upheaval for her and any children involved, and not a decision to be made lightly–hence seeking advice. And you tell her either do something or shut up. She’s trying to do something; she’s trying to decide what is the right thing to do.
My thoughts on the whole situation are that a lot of people are confusing ‘forgiveness’ with ‘continuing to live with abuse,’ and being lied to is a horrible form of abuse that results in cognitive dissonance and never knowing what you can or can’t believe. It is IMPOSSIBLE to build a real relationship on such a foundation.
I don’t think real love can ever flourish where there are lies, either.
I enforced an in-house separation when I couldn’t trust my now ex/annuled husband about his actions with other women, and hence couldn’t trust that he wouldn’t pass on a disease to me. When I did that, I no longer cared if he was lying about other women because it no longer endangered me.
Then I started finding out about the huge debt he’d been hiding; then money started disappearing from my bank account. Once again, his lies endangered me and now our children, too. We would have lost the house. Divorce was the only legal protection.
As to the lie detector test, I didn’t ask XH to take one because I know they’re not 100% reliable, but if a man lies so much that people start talking about having him take a lie detector test, I think maybe he’s the one who should be criticized for lying so much, not the person being lied to.