Any suggestions?

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Hoosier_Daddy said:
What would you do if your husband told you the truth in vivid detail? Do you feel that your marriage would be better?
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Yes, I would be relieved that he told me the truth in vivid detail. I would be relieved because I would know that he told me the truth (I would feel it). I would respect him for telling me the truth. I wouldn’t have to live with the fact that my husband continued to live a lie. Also, I wouldn’t have the uncertainty of exactly “how far they went in the private room”. I could forgive if he was willing to come clean and never do it again. I could forgive if he was sincerely sorry and apologized to me for doing this. It would help the trust rebuild in our marriage if he told me the truth in vivid details.
 
mommy_k said:
You have to excuse me but I don’t understand some things. I am so very sorry, and don’t want to add to your pain. I look at details alot in posts. There are a few details that don’t add up for me…

You said the last time your husband got a lap dance, he and the stripper went into a private room, just the two of them and she was fully naked, and there was alot of touching going on between them and he had his hands on her… but the only person besides your husband that knows what transpired in there was the stripper. If this information was given to you by anyone else, it may not be the truth to what happened-- even if your husband texted someone about this, it may be sort of a bragging text. Even if you got a bill, it does not prove what actually happened in there.
I admit, it looks bad for your husband…but it is a private room. If someone is telling u this as fact, they are wrong to assume.

I am guessing people do not have access to lie detectors, unless they are law enforcement. You didn’t answer me upthread. If he is, then they have to go to these places for their job.

I am not condoning what your husband did but I think there’s more to this. I think some of your proof is faulty and coming from people who enjoy stirring the pot.
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I read an email that my husband wrote to one of his friends. It explained what went on in the private room. In addition money was taken out of the cash station. A private room for 30 minutes cost $200. He left with $1,000 cash and came home with none. He had to use his credit cards for gas, food and the hotel. I know he gambled on the trip…But, my husband never gambles more than $300. The other money was probably spent at the strip club. In addition to the email, I also read a text that he sent to one of his friends…telling the friend go keep it quiet and not to tell me what happened, or what he did. The marriage counselor that we went to encouraged my husband to take a lie detector test. He took it and he failed.
 
Clearwater14 said:
I read an email that my husband wrote to one of his friends. It explained what went on in the private room. In addition money was taken out of the cash station. A private room for 30 minutes cost $200. He left with $1,000 cash and came home with none. He had to use his credit cards for gas, food and the hotel. I know he gambled on the trip…But, my husband never gambles more than $300. The other money was probably spent at the strip club. In addition to the email, I also read a text that he sent to one of his friends…telling the friend go keep it quiet and not to tell me what happened, or what he did. The marriage counselor that we went to encouraged my husband to take a lie detector test. He took it and he failed.
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Thank you for answering, and again I am sorry that this is happening.

The only thing I can say is that u have strong evidence, not proof. For a marriage counselor to suggest a lie detector is way off base too, because lie detector results are not even admitted in some courts because they measure stress, not lying.

By the email he sent, it seems he wanted to get caught or is somehow a little off center in thinking things through.when some guys get together it can be ugly, or exaggeration. But most have sense not to write about it, whether it’s one or the other.

As the other posters said though, you have to try and let this go, put it behind u and move on. If u can’t do this, then your marriage will continue to suffer and so will you. This type of forgiveness is not easy and you are in my prayers.
 
In addition to the email, text and polygraph…the guys my husband went on the 4 day trip are very perverted, they cheat on their wives, and they hang out at strip clubs all the time. Plus, 2 of the wives told me that they went to a strip club during the Guy’s Trip. I don’t know what i was thinking by telling him that he could go on this trip with them. My husband isn’t perverted like them. His friends live far away from us. For the past 15 years, they have lived several states away from us due to job transfers. I guess what I was thinking was that I was very busy going to school and working full-time. I felt that I was neglecting my husband. I wanted my husband to have fun with his friends that he hasn’t seen in years. It was his birthday and he really wanted to go on this trip, because they were seeing his favorite Football Team. I thought that my husband’s friends were past the strip club years since they were all in their mid- 40’s. I guess I was naive. I read the email about what happened on that trip… When you pay $200 for a 30 minute private dance with a naked stripper nothing good can come out of that. I also read that my husband felt the strippers breasts and she touched him down there… When she did that, my husband stopped the dance, paid her and left. I guess that is where he drew the line (touching his crotch). I am not sure if this was just over his pants, or inside his pants, or both?

This has devastated me. But, my husband’s denials have hurt me worse.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
What would you do if your husband told you the truth in vivid detail? Do you feel that your marriage would be better?
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Hoosier Daddy… I find your opinion about my husband not telling me the truth to be a bit odd; especially when your personal quote on your profile says:“Better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie.”
 
Clearwater14 said:
Yes, I would be relieved that he told me the truth in vivid detail. I would be relieved because I would know that he told me the truth (I would feel it). I would respect him for telling me the truth. I wouldn’t have to live with the fact that my husband continued to live a lie. Also, I wouldn’t have the uncertainty of exactly “how far they went in the private room”. I could forgive if he was willing to come clean and never do it again. I could forgive if he was sincerely sorry and apologized to me for doing this. It would help the trust rebuild in our marriage if he told me the truth in vivid details.
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I really really doubt this. For one, you have threads going back 2 years about trusting your husband and it seems to be something you dwell on heavily. Knowing more would probably be worse for you.
And the second thing is that you can never know “what went on in that room”. Not even if you tracked the girl down. So you would never be at peace.

Can you move beyond this? That’s the real question.
 
Clearwater14 said:
Hoosier Daddy… I find your opinion about my husband not telling me the truth to be a bit odd; especially when your personal quote on your profile says:“Better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie.”
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lol that’s a good point! Though sometimes it’s better to not be slapped or kissed…
 
It seems like the issue isn’t the one incident, but a lifestyle that your husband refuses to admit is wrong or give up.

20 times over the course of your marriage is a pattern and you aren’t going to change him. Your only real choices are to stay with him knowing this is just how your marriage is going to be, or leave. I don’t know your life or your circumstances, so I would never venture to tell you what to do. But this fantasy of him coming clean and turning away from this stuff is just never going to happen.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
It seems like the issue isn’t the one incident, but a lifestyle that your husband refuses to admit is wrong or give up.

20 times over the course of your marriage is a pattern and you aren’t going to change him. Your only real choices are to stay with him knowing this is just how your marriage is going to be, or leave. I don’t know your life or your circumstances, so I would never venture to tell you what to do. But this fantasy of him coming clean and turning away from this stuff is just never going to happen.
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Yes. Nor is it going to happen tha he comes clean and she feels better.
 
I highly suggest you look into www.affairrecovery.com. They have some excellent resources including a course for hurt spouses. You might even be able to get your husband to look at some of their resources.

Personally, I have no idea how you get your husband to come clean. Mine did as soon as he knew that I had the proof (email from him to someone else that he committing “adultery”). I agree with the choices recently seen here - you have to do some soul searching and determine if you can stay married to a man if he refuses to tell you.

I also believe that you will be able to recover if he does come clean. Best case scenario is if he tells you and tells you everything you ask honestly, right from the start. (After reading some of the articles: it is reasonable for him to ask you to wait 24 hours and pray if he thinks you really might not want to know that answer.) It will take you longer to heal than if he had come clean right from the start. But it is possible.

God will get you through this.
 
This story gets curiouser and curiouser.

Started out with a strip club, two priests, counselors, lie dectectors, then a lap dance, then a naked lap dance, then a private room naked lap dance that went from lap grinding to “touching,” then a four day trip that involved strip clubs, private room lap dances, gambling, two other wives, and $1,000.
 
FYI, I didnt want my husband to take the polygraph. Our marriage counselor suggested it to him, because he was caught in several lies. He even said, “I made up stories to find out what you would believe!” My husband agreed to take the polygraph and he failed it. The marriage counselor recommended a polygrapher to give him the exam. We had to pay money to get it done. I didn’t want my husband to take it, because i don’t think they are accurate… Now that he failed the polygraph, it opened up a can of worms.

I would never recommend anyone to take a polygraph!

@ The person who said they wouldn’t blame my husband for lying to me… You have no idea how hurtful these lies have been to me! Obviously, nothing like this has ever happened to you! I wonder what you would do if you were in my shoes!
 
on_the_hill said:
This story gets curiouser and curiouser.

Started out with a strip club, two priests, counselors, lie dectectors, then a lap dance, then a naked lap dance, then a private room naked lap dance that went from lap grinding to “touching,” then a four day trip that involved strip clubs, private room lap dances, gambling, two other wives, and $1,000.
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Obviously, you didn’t read the entire thread. I was giving more details to the people who were asking me questions so they can give me suggestions… It is impossible to write everything down in one post! What do you think happens at strip clubs? Most men pay for lapdances! Some men pay a lot of money to get a private lap dance in a private room. They don’t pay the strippers to keep their clothes on! So of course the strippers are going to be naked. How does this shock you?

If you are only here to criticize and not be helpful please leave this thread. Thank you!
 
hurtandhealing said:
I highly suggest you look into www.affairrecovery.com. They have some excellent resources including a course for hurt spouses. You might even be able to get your husband to look at some of their resources.

Personally, I have no idea how you get your husband to come clean. Mine did as soon as he knew that I had the proof (email from him to someone else that he committing “adultery”). I agree with the choices recently seen here - you have to do some soul searching and determine if you can stay married to a man if he refuses to tell you.

I also believe that you will be able to recover if he does come clean. Best case scenario is if he tells you and tells you everything you ask honestly, right from the start. (After reading some of the articles: it is reasonable for him to ask you to wait 24 hours and pray if he thinks you really might not want to know that answer.) It will take you longer to heal than if he had come clean right from the start. But it is possible.

God will get you through this.
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Thank you for your advice. It was very helpful.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
It seems like the issue isn’t the one incident, but a lifestyle that your husband refuses to admit is wrong or give up.

20 times over the course of your marriage is a pattern and you aren’t going to change him. Your only real choices are to stay with him knowing this is just how your marriage is going to be, or leave. I don’t know your life or your circumstances, so I would never venture to tell you what to do. But this fantasy of him coming clean and turning away from this stuff is just never going to happen.
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I would never stay with him if he continued this behavior. He admitted to going to 3 strip clubs, but denied the other times he went. I know he feels bad, because he saw how much it hurt me. I trust that he will never step a foot into another one of those places again. He also dropped his guy friends that go to these places. So, he has reformed, but he still lies about what happened. People can change. My husband handled this entire situation poorly, which created more problems. He has said very hurtful things to me and has made up stories to cover up his lies. Howver, he prayed to God and promised me that he would never go to another strip club again. I know he means this, because I feel it in my heart. My husband has been praying every night with me. He went to marriage counseling with me, so i know he is remorseful. He just refuses to come clean about the private lap dance and how many strip clubs he has been to.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
I really really doubt this. For one, you have threads going back 2 years about trusting your husband and it seems to be something you dwell on heavily. Knowing more would probably be worse for you.
And the second thing is that you can never know “what went on in that room”. Not even if you tracked the girl down. So you would never be at peace.

Can you move beyond this? That’s the real question.
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You have a valid point! I definitely have been dwelling on this problem. Honestly, i am not sure that I can let it go…However, I will try very hard to forgive him and move forward even though i will never hear him confess to me what he did.
 
Clearwater14 said:
You have a valid point! I definitely have been dwelling on this problem. Honestly, i am not sure that I can let it go…However, I will try very hard to forgive him and move forward even though i will never hear him confess to me what he did.
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My heart goes out to you and I hope you are able to forgive him and move forward. Your situation is difficult indeed and you are in my prayers.

Mary.
 
Clearwater14 said:
@ The person who said they wouldn’t blame my husband for lying to me… You have no idea how hurtful these lies have been to me! Obviously, nothing like this has ever happened to you! I wonder what you would do if you were in my shoes!
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Don’t assume anything. But honestly it’s irrelevant. You can’t control him. You can control YOU. So act. Take the kids if there are any and go stay with a relative for a while. If that doesn’t get him to talk to you then probably nothing will. If you aren’t willing to do that, then you need to let it go and never bring it up again. Forgive me for saying this, but I think you are enjoying this drama just a little bit. You say you have smoking gun evidence. Act, or be quiet. And pray. Lots.
 
Clearwater14 said:
I read an email that my husband wrote to one of his friends. It explained what went on in the private room. In addition money was taken out of the cash station. A private room for 30 minutes cost $200. He left with $1,000 cash and came home with none. He had to use his credit cards for gas, food and the hotel. I know he gambled on the trip…But, my husband never gambles more than $300. The other money was probably spent at the strip club. In addition to the email, I also read a text that he sent to one of his friends…telling the friend go keep it quiet and not to tell me what happened, or what he did. The marriage counselor that we went to encouraged my husband to take a lie detector test. He took it and he failed.
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Sounds like a terrible marriage councillor.
 
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