Any wives out there that can offer advice?

[montanaman]

Well, as a married guy who’s also suffered similar bilogical treachery before, I wonder if he might be suffering from anxiety, or “pressure to perform.” We also struggled mightily before we were married. I thought my eyes were going to be permanently crossed. And for a little while after the wedding, well…things got “confusing.” It had to do with a number of things–job stress (huge!), learning each other’s rhythms, her being an A-type, me being laid back–but I got over it. It wasn’t a major problem, but a couple of times there I wondered just what the hell my body was doing. It was mortifying. But my wife, no doubt confused, loved me very hard without overdoing it. Eventually I was able to believe that there really was no pressure. And now, well, we’ve got a kid on the way so I guess that tells you something…

I understand that you’re frustrated. But from a guy’s point of view I’ll say this–don’t let him see it. Let him recover from the humiliation he’s suffering. Every new “flat-line” just makes it worse. If the situation persists, definitely get counseling, but in the meantime, just love him.

 

[jules11]

I could be completely wrong here, but maybe its because he has spent 2 and a half years trying to be chaste and struggled with that that he hasn’t gotten himself into the mindset that he is able to enjoy sex now? You know, that somehow he still thinks its not allowed… or that his mind hasn’t caught up with the fact that you are married?

 

[montanaman]

I could be completely wrong here, but maybe its because he has spent 2 and a half years trying to be chaste and struggled with that that he hasn’t gotten himself into the mindset that he is able to enjoy sex now? You know, that somehow he still thinks its not allowed… or that his mind hasn’t caught up with the fact that you are married?

Yeah, that could be it. About three months before we were married, it seemed my prayers were answered. I’d been praying for chastity, and then one day I realized I couldn’t care less about sex. I thought, “Well, er, thanks, I guess…” Lol.

But, it passes. We’re bombarded by thousands of sexual messages every day, whether explicit (such as with this new cable show coming out called “Californication,”) or implicit (girls shakin’ it in Toyota commercials). I think that in the process of purging one’s mind of all the rotten sexual messages in order to start over again, you body/mind “resets.” It could cause the biological treachery we’re talking about here. This is especially the case if porn has ever been a habit in a man’s life.

 

[SeekerJen]

I could be completely wrong here, but maybe its because he has spent 2 and a half years trying to be chaste and struggled with that that he hasn’t gotten himself into the mindset that he is able to enjoy sex now? You know, that somehow he still thinks its not allowed… or that his mind hasn’t caught up with the fact that you are married?

This could be it. I’ve heard a couple of similar experiences recounted by newlywed women, who spent their entire post-pubescent lives focused on avoiding sex to the point that they were not able to enjoy sex once they were married. They were still in the mindset of “sex is bad, don’t do it” and found it difficult to switch mental modes.

This is not an argument against chastity. I wonder if the people in question were raised in homes where sex was not spoken of at all or as something shameful (rather than as something wonderful to enjoy in marriage), or if there are scrupulosity issues.

 

[Delphinus85]

Well, as a married guy who’s also suffered similar bilogical treachery before, I wonder if he might be suffering from anxiety, or “pressure to perform.” We also struggled mightily before we were married. I thought my eyes were going to be permanently crossed. And for a little while after the wedding, well…things got “confusing.” It had to do with a number of things–job stress (huge!), learning each other’s rhythms, her being an A-type, me being laid back–but I got over it. It wasn’t a major problem, but a couple of times there I wondered just what the hell my body was doing. It was mortifying. But my wife, no doubt confused, loved me very hard without overdoing it. Eventually I was able to believe that there really was no pressure. And now, well, we’ve got a kid on the way so I guess that tells you something…

I understand that you’re frustrated. But from a guy’s point of view I’ll say this–don’t let him see it. Let him recover from the humiliation he’s suffering. Every new “flat-line” just makes it worse. If the situation persists, definitely get counseling, but in the meantime, just love him.

thank you. He and I have talked about this an awful lot. I told him point blank my frustration. And he admitted he felt part of it was “pressure to perform.” I tried a few things people have mentioned here, including compliementing him and telling him that it’s not “necessary” that we do anything again ever, it seems to be helping but he is shy, and to the other posts, yes he has said it’s hard to see sex as something that is okay now. Also a big part of it is because he is just now starting to learn all the rules governing sexual conduct in a marriage, and it’s…scaring him. He admitted he’s afraid to kiss me without forgetting some rule and having to go to confession or worse. And it’s making him really really reluctant to perform.

 

[Delphinus85]

I’m sorry, Hon. I think you’re referring to my comment. I honestly didn’t want you to go into details, and I didn’t want to hurt any feelings. I’m sorry I didn’t make that clear enough in my last post. It really was intended to just give you something to think about, not address to us.

Again, I apologize that I didn’t reinforce my intent to just give you something else to consider, as opposed to sharing with us. Just trying to be helpful. :crying: Sorry.

NO! hehehe it has nothing to do with what anyone (especially you) has said. I’ve just been burned too many times :hug1:

I just wanted to state that so there didn’t evolve a fight where everyone was discussing my faulty reproduction system. Not only do I get some rather nasty people accusing me of being a dirty heathen, but it’s rather embarassing since I’m not a “normal woman” and it also reminds me of why I have this problem in the first place. (anorexia can really screw with you, even years after you dealt with it)

 

[montanaman]

thank you. He and I have talked about this an awful lot. I told him point blank my frustration. And he admitted he felt part of it was “pressure to perform.” I tried a few things people have mentioned here, including compliementing him and telling him that it’s not “necessary” that we do anything again ever, it seems to be helping but he is shy, and to the other posts, yes he has said it’s hard to see sex as something that is okay now. Also a big part of it is because he is just now starting to learn all the rules governing sexual conduct in a marriage, and it’s…scaring him. He admitted he’s afraid to kiss me without forgetting some rule and having to go to confession or worse. And it’s making him really really reluctant to perform.

My advice to him: learn to get sick of worrying about it all the time. Just drop it. Forget it. Move on. “Love God and do what you will.” (Loving God means obeying him, of course…). But just…get…out…of…your…head…

Anyway, I’ll pray for you both.

 

[DJgang]

Oh, dear, I am going to pray for you.

In about ten years, when you have three kids and are still BFing one of them and he won’t leave you alone , I will offer advice then.

Have faith, all will be well!

 

[BlestOne]

thank you. He and I have talked about this an awful lot. I told him point blank my frustration. And he admitted he felt part of it was “pressure to perform.” I tried a few things people have mentioned here, including compliementing him and telling him that it’s not “necessary” that we do anything again ever, it seems to be helping but he is shy, and to the other posts, yes he has said it’s hard to see sex as something that is okay now. Also a big part of it is because he is just now starting to learn all the rules governing sexual conduct in a marriage, and it’s…scaring him. He admitted he’s afraid to kiss me without forgetting some rule and having to go to confession or worse. And it’s making him really really reluctant to perform.

Sweetie…take him at his word on this one. Don’t show frustration, show caring. Tell him when the time is right, it will happen and it will be wonderful just because it is him, your husband! Let him know you don’t think his performance is an issue with you because you love him and when he makes love to you it is about sharing that love not grading a performance or competing in the sexolympics. Be there for him, but don’t be demanding or expectant. Best of luck and many prayer to you dear! (look up some of my very old posts… my ex and I didn’t have sex for years at a time. It wasn’t the reason for the divorce though.)

 

[dragonhealer]

I would suggest that he get a physical and rule out any medical problems and leave it at that. My guess is that when you relax and go on about your business he will get interested again. The chase after all is much more exciting then the catch. My husband and I went through something similar during the first year of our marriage. Be as happy and positive as you can, feel good about yourself the way you are, and let life happen to you.

Janet

 

[RWMorris]

I would give him some time. After our marriage we had a lot of pressures and my husband was just not up for sex a lot of the time. At the time, I thought it was because I was pregnant (we had a honeymoon baby). Later I came to see that DH had lost of job pressures as well as financial pressure from supporting us.
Make SURE you don’t pressure him right now…in fact, I would just absolutely put the issue on the back burner for now. Do physical things for him like rubbing his back or feet, and make it clear you aren’t expecting anything sexual in return. Men feel very intimidated when they aren’t able to perform…they are humiliated by it. Don’t make it worse by commenting on the lack of sex.
Believe me, it will probably get hot and heavy. We’ve been married for 22 years and our sex life has just gotten better and better.
However, if after six months you aren’t seeing a change and NO sex is taking place, I would then begin to worry.

 

[KCT]

Also a big part of it is because he is just now starting to learn all the rules governing sexual conduct in a marriage, and it’s…scaring him. He admitted he’s afraid to kiss me without forgetting some rule and having to go to confession or worse. And it’s making him really really reluctant to perform.

That sounds scrupulous. —KCT

 

[Delphinus85]

I would give him some time. After our marriage we had a lot of pressures and my husband was just not up for sex a lot of the time. At the time, I thought it was because I was pregnant (we had a honeymoon baby). Later I came to see that DH had lost of job pressures as well as financial pressure from supporting us.
Make SURE you don’t pressure him right now…in fact, I would just absolutely put the issue on the back burner for now. Do physical things for him like rubbing his back or feet, and make it clear you aren’t expecting anything sexual in return. Men feel very intimidated when they aren’t able to perform…they are humiliated by it. Don’t make it worse by commenting on the lack of sex.
Believe me, it will probably get hot and heavy. We’ve been married for 22 years and our sex life has just gotten better and better.
However, if after six months you aren’t seeing a change and NO sex is taking place, I would then begin to worry.

Thank you. I am sure things will get better, I just need to figure out how not to be hurt by the process. I admit I am a woman without much self esteem. Or rather, I have it, but it’s cowardly, in that it flees at the slightest hint of attack. hehehe

 

[Delphinus85]

That sounds scrupulous. —KCT

It’s more than liekly not what you think. “judge not”

 

[Tiber_Squid]

My 2 cents – from a guy married 11+ years: do whatever you can to help him see by communicating verbally and other ways that performance isn’t the priority and helping him see or feel that normal marital relations are OK. I can sympathise with the issues of trying to repress things and keeping things bottled up – uncorking things after you are married, so to speak, can be awkward and even down the road, things can happen. He needs confidence built up. Other suggestion to help with possible scruptulosity is to read the Theology of the Body and related materials – Love and Responsibility by JPII before his papacy has an excellent discussion on husbands roles in loving their wives including in the bedroom. Hang in there – and I guess just channel your urges towards loving and respecting himi for who he is. Pressure will only make it worse – but reassurance can help if applied directly yet subtly.
Hang in there!:twocents:

 

[Delphinus85]

My 2 cents – from a guy married 11+ years: do whatever you can to help him see by communicating verbally and other ways that performance isn’t the priority and helping him see or feel that normal marital relations are OK. I can sympathise with the issues of trying to repress things and keeping things bottled up – uncorking things after you are married, so to speak, can be awkward and even down the road, things can happen. He needs confidence built up. Other suggestion to help with possible scruptulosity is to read the Theology of the Body and related materials – Love and Responsibility by JPII before his papacy has an excellent discussion on husbands roles in loving their wives including in the bedroom. Hang in there – and I guess just channel your urges towards loving and respecting himi for who he is. Pressure will only make it worse – but reassurance can help if applied directly yet subtly.
Hang in there!:twocents:

Thank you so much. Things (believe it or not) have actually started getting better. I backed off him, and basically we are just trying to “let things happen” and it’s working well. Things aren’t happening as much as I’d like, but…we figure it’s like when we were dating. We got in trouble when we didn’t have anything planned. We were all over each other constantly during “spontaneus” times, and now we have “planned” things to happen, and because of that, NOTHING is. I think we have solved the problem. I think. Hehehe, at least he is happier, and things are a lot better, even over the last few days