Any women struggle with NFP?

[Kristie]

Hello,

I was wondering if there are any other women out there who struggle with practicing NFP.

my husband and i both agreed to practice NFP and started training in the creighton model about six months before we got married in january. so far, we’ve been using NFP to avoid pregnancy. he does not think we are ready for a child. (reasons include: i’m not physically fit, financial concerns since i just started a new job and he’s just starting up his own business & we may not make ends meet on just his income, we just got married four months ago, etc.)

these reasons make sense to my head, but not to my heart. i have a deep, deep longing to be intimate with my husband and to be a mother. i don’t know what to do with these feelings, especially during my fertile days, which are the times we abstain. i feel frustrated, disappointed, sad, angry and rejected during those days. and according to “the five love languages” book, my primary love language is physical touch, so abstaining only magnifies my frustrations. to top it all off, my fertile period has been unusually long and came right after my period with no “green days” in between. i’m getting more and more stressed out by the day. i keep seeing peak-type mucus, which translates into no intercourse.

am i being selfish & overly emotional? i don’t know what to do. i would really appreciate feedback from other women out there. please help!

thank you & God bless you.

 

[Truly_Beloved]

am i being selfish & overly emotional?

I don’t think so. I think that when I get the overwhelming desire for a baby, it’s God’s way of nudging me into His plan. Every time Baby Fever hits, I just know it’s the Holy Spirit working in my heart. It is never wrong for a married woman (no matter how long she’s married) to desire babies.

During our first year of marriage, DH and I used NFP to avoid pregnancy. I have wanted to be a wife and mother since I was 3 years old (according to my grandma ), and sometimes those 12 months were just brutal. I learned a big lesson afterwards, too, because we didn’t conceive right away when we wanted to. It took months (thankfully, not years) of perfect timing and maximizing our chances. We were only 23, and I was heartbroken at the thought of being infertile. Conversely, I got pregnant with Baby #2 right after my first postpartum period (14 months after DD was born), without even trying. I have really learned my place… At Jesus’ feet.

Anyway, I guess all of this was just to say that I don’t think you’re being selfish or emotional, but it’s my opinion that God may be calling you to motherhood sooner than what may (or may not) seem to be convenient.

Have you talked with your hubby about your feelings? Do you ever want a baby so bad you start crying? My DH is particularly sensitive to me crying (good hubby!), and I think it completely broke his heart every time I cried for a baby.

 

[Kristie]

Have you talked with your hubby about your feelings? Do you ever want a baby so bad you start crying?

Yes! I’ve been crying pretty much every night for about two weeks now and my husband doesn’t know what to do. That’s why I wonder if I should just suck it up and put on my happy face around him because I’m driving him crazy. I’ve talked with him about my feelings but he’s been pretty solid in his opinion that we should wait. Just a couple of days ago, he said we should wait, at the very least, until we’re both in shape and physically healthier.

Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts. I’m so grateful!

 

[Truly_Beloved]

Yes! I’ve been crying pretty much every night for about two weeks now and my husband doesn’t know what to do. That’s why I wonder if I should just suck it up and put on my happy face around him because I’m driving him crazy. I’ve talked with him about my feelings but he’s been pretty solid in his opinion that we should wait. Just a couple of days ago, he said we should wait, at the very least, until we’re both in shape and physically healthier.

My heart aches for you, Kristie, because I am all too familiar with those Baby Tears. They were the most painful I had ever shed.

Since everyone’s standards of physical fitness are different, I do hope you two aren’t being too hard on yourselves. I don’t know your situation, indeed it is certainly none of my business, but is it possible to suggest something like, “Honey, I’d like to try my hardest to lose weight/eat better/improve my health for x amount of time, and after that, can we try to have a baby?” Kinda like compromising, you know?

Edit: I just realized I may have gotten off topic from what your original intent was in starting the thread, and I wanted to apologize if I have taken this in a direction that wasn’t really desired.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Have you tried the sympto thermal method? You might be able to identify more infertile days with the cross checks there.

Don’t pressure a husband into a baby. It’s a big thing being pregnant. You really want him to be enthusiastic. It’s no fun when a man tells you “YOU’RE the one who wanted a baby” when you ask for help lifting something.

Enjoy your time just the two of you. Get in shape. Pregnancy is not for the weak of body. The better shape you are, the healthier for you and baby.

 

[LittleDeb]

Yes! I’ve been crying pretty much every night for about two weeks now and my husband doesn’t know what to do. That’s why I wonder if I should just suck it up and put on my happy face around him because I’m driving him crazy. I’ve talked with him about my feelings but he’s been pretty solid in his opinion that we should wait. Just a couple of days ago, he said we should wait, at the very least, until we’re both in shape and physically healthier.

Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts. I’m so grateful!

My heart breaks for you. It really does. Marital intimacy really only works if everyone is on the same page. It doesn't matter if you are using NFP to space or not. The periods of abstinence are really helpful in discerning 'serious reason.' If you are only married a few months and he is finding it very important to abstain during fertility, then probably one of two things is going on. Either his reason is very serious to him or he is being selfish. If it is difficult for you to abstain during fertility it is the same thing. Either it is very important to have a child or you are being selfish.
Get to the root of that as a couple. Discernment must be as a couple, never one deciding and the other resigning, for either reason, having a baby or waiting. This in some ways has nothing to do with NFP. NFP has just brought it to the surface very quickly. This part I bolded does concern me. Maybe it is just how you worded it, but it stands out to me with lights and sirens. “He said we should wait.” ??? It would be just as concerning if you had said, “I said we should have a baby.” Please find out his definition of “better shape and healthy.” Find out if it is a mutual thing, too. You are going to carry this child. Is there a smoking issue that need be overcome? (That’s a rhetorical question, no need to answer.)

I guess what I am saying from this outsiders perspective is that it sounds like there is a communication problem happening. While I like the Love Languages, I am concerned that it is being used as a fall-back. One should never “paste on a happy face.” One should work to be genuinely happy in her relationship with God and herself to bring true happiness to her marriage. Examine your own motives, not your emotions. Don’t ask the questions that evoke an emotional answer. Use reason. Don’t try to explain his reasons. Understand your own reasons. How well are you communicating with yourself these days? And with God? How honest are you being with God and with you? I’ll tell you from experience. Trying to lie to God is a futile endeavor. Been there. Not fun!

Your sex drives are not in union with each other. Are they in union with God? Having a family gets so much easier when you turn your entire sexuality over to God. He’s in charge, not us. He gave us a tool of NFP, but it is only a tool. Where is God leading you both?

I pray this does not sound harsh. Please, please forgive me if it does. In my years using and promoting NFP it has been my experience that marital intimacy problems are a symptom of other things. The abstinence of NFP tends to root those problems out. However, NFP cannot solve the problem. That is not what the tool is for. The only way to solve the problem is to lean on the graces of marriage and our wonderful Lord, who is the Creator of marriage.

My prayers are with you and your husband. God bless you in your marriage.

 

[Smber2c]

Have you talked with your hubby about your feelings? Do you ever want a baby so bad you start crying? My DH is particularly sensitive to me crying (good hubby!), and I think it completely broke his heart every time I cried for a baby.

Um, so I’m not a woman and I’m not married so no NFP experience. I’m actually reading this cause I suspect that when I get married I may be looking at a year to 18 months of NFP right off due to finishing up my education across the nation from anything familiar (hopefully with many kids soon to follow).

But reading the old cry to get your way, it scared me. I mean I’ve been in a few relationships. Sure girlfriend sheds a few tears and I agree it actually is a good decision to go visit you grandparents. Or wow your feet really must hurt, okay I will give them a rub. But tears to get a husband to agree to a baby?! Way, way. way to far.

Tears for a baby. And tears to get married. Are about the 2 worst abuses of male syphathy that I could possibly cocieve, and I’ve no doubt that bad would come of either.

 

[1ke]

No, you aren’t being selfish or overly emotional.

If your love language is physical touch, don’t avoid that during your fertile time. Remember SPICE.

My DH and I hug freuqently-- and he gives me a nice back rub before bed. It’s not something that leads to anything else. It’s very nice, chaste touching.

Don’t avoid touching.

And, re-evaluate your situation frequently. Tell your DH what you are feeling in your heart.

 

[armywife]

But reading the old cry to get your way, it scared me. I mean I’ve been in a few relationships. Sure girlfriend sheds a few tears and I agree it actually is a good decision to go visit you grandparents. Or wow your feet really must hurt, okay I will give them a rub. But tears to get a husband to agree to a baby?! Way, way. way to far.

Tears for a baby. And tears to get married. Are about the 2 worst abuses of male syphathy that I could possibly cocieve, and I’ve no doubt that bad would come of either.

I don’t think she was crying to be manipulative. She seems to be very upset about wanting to have a baby simply crying about it. Some women are more emotional than others and cry more often. While I agree with your statement completly, that’s not what’s happening in this situation.

 

[Smber2c]

I don’t think she was crying to be manipulative. She seems to be very upset about wanting to have a baby simply crying about it. Some women are more emotional than others and cry more often. While I agree with your statement completly, that’s not what’s happening in this situation.

yeah, I looked back at the post. When I first read it, it appeared that the advice (not the OP) was condoning manipulative tendancies. But, reading it through again, I think that wasn’t the intent of anyone.

I had just read Truly Beloved’s saying, “*my DH is particularly sensitive to me crying (good hubby!)”, *to mean crying got her husband to cave in on things, but it could just as likely have meant that he listened to her, calmed her down consoled her; while still employing right reason on his (name removed by moderator)ut to their baby discussion.

Sorry, Truly Beloved. I took the less charitable way to read your post and assumed it was what you meant.

 

[apricot_yogurt]

You are quite fine to be upset, even though society tells us modern women do not want/need babies, your heart tells you differently. NFP is a wonderful tool of discernment and it can be very hard to abstain unless there are serious reasons.

 

[LJN21]

My heart breaks for you. It really does. Marital intimacy really only works if everyone is on the same page. It doesn't matter if you are using NFP to space or not. The periods of abstinence are really helpful in discerning 'serious reason.' If you are only married a few months and he is finding it very important to abstain during fertility, then probably one of two things is going on. Either his reason is very serious to him or he is being selfish. If it is difficult for you to abstain during fertility it is the same thing. Either it is very important to have a child or you are being selfish.
Get to the root of that as a couple. Discernment must be as a couple, never one deciding and the other resigning, for either reason, having a baby or waiting. This in some ways has nothing to do with NFP. NFP has just brought it to the surface very quickly. This part I bolded does concern me. Maybe it is just how you worded it, but it stands out to me with lights and sirens. “He said we should wait.” ??? It would be just as concerning if you had said, “I said we should have a baby.” Please find out his definition of “better shape and healthy.” Find out if it is a mutual thing, too. You are going to carry this child. Is there a smoking issue that need be overcome? (That’s a rhetorical question, no need to answer.)

I guess what I am saying from this outsiders perspective is that it sounds like there is a communication problem happening. While I like the Love Languages, I am concerned that it is being used as a fall-back. One should never “paste on a happy face.” One should work to be genuinely happy in her relationship with God and herself to bring true happiness to her marriage. Examine your own motives, not your emotions. Don’t ask the questions that evoke an emotional answer. Use reason. Don’t try to explain his reasons. Understand your own reasons. How well are you communicating with yourself these days? And with God? How honest are you being with God and with you? I’ll tell you from experience. Trying to lie to God is a futile endeavor. Been there. Not fun!

Your sex drives are not in union with each other. Are they in union with God? Having a family gets so much easier when you turn your entire sexuality over to God. He’s in charge, not us. He gave us a tool of NFP, but it is only a tool. Where is God leading you both?

I pray this does not sound harsh. Please, please forgive me if it does. In my years using and promoting NFP it has been my experience that marital intimacy problems are a symptom of other things. The abstinence of NFP tends to root those problems out. However, NFP cannot solve the problem. That is not what the tool is for. The only way to solve the problem is to lean on the graces of marriage and our wonderful Lord, who is the Creator of marriage.

My prayers are with you and your husband. God bless you in your marriage.

This is exactly what I was trying to find the words to type

You and your husband have got to 100% be on the same page.

 

[RWMorris]

You both need to be on the same page before you decide to have a child. But I understand the yearning need to have a baby. I can’t have any more children and it is so sad for me. I cry and cry but it gets me nowhere so I try to do something positive such as pray the rosary or the divine chaplet, or play the piano, to get myself out of these moods.

 

[Truly_Beloved]

I don’t think she was crying to be manipulative. She seems to be very upset about wanting to have a baby simply crying about it.

Yep, this is how I handle everything… By crying. Always have. I don’t use it to manipulate anyone, it’s just how I deal with crises. I figure it’s better than putting my fist through walls or cursing.

I had just read Truly Beloved’s saying, “*my DH is particularly sensitive to me crying (good hubby!)”, *to mean crying got her husband to cave in on things, but it could just as likely have meant that he listened to her, calmed her down consoled her; while still employing right reason on his (name removed by moderator)ut to their baby discussion.

Sorry, Truly Beloved. I took the less charitable way to read your post and assumed it was what you meant.

It’s okay. You almost had me upset :crying: there. That’s what he does: listen, console, etc., but he never “caves” and I never look for “caving.” I never even thought my post could be taken in such a way, so really, I’m glad you brought it up so that it could be made clear. You couldn’t have been the only one with this interpretation.

No hard feelings?

 

[LittleDeb]

Yep, this is how I handle everything… By crying. Always have. I don’t use it to manipulate anyone, it’s just how I deal with crises. I figure it’s better than putting my fist through walls or cursing.

My parents, married 42+ years, taught me this phrase, “When frustrated, women cry and men yell.” I have found it to be fairly true overall. Understanding that has helped a lot in my own marriage.

 

[kamz]

You need to pray about this… ask God to either change your husbands heart so that he may also desire a baby as much as you or ask God that if it is not his will for you to be pregnant right now that he will give you the grace to endure this time.

Let God’s will be done in this and it will work out… don’t argue or fight about it… just pray about it all the time and every time it comes to your mind… give it right to the Lord.

Show your husband that it would be possible to have a baby… get fit… save some money if possible etc.
Sounds like your hubby is scared… so take away his fears… show him it is time… show him it can work!

God Bless

 

[Sr_Sally]

I’ll be praying for you. I found the STM (sympto-thermal method) taught by CCL to be the easiest method to follow. I also followed the suggestions in the book Cycles, Fertility, and Nutriton. They were wonderful for clearing up what appeared to be long time-frames with fertile mucus and other signs.

In terms of timing, of course we all want to be physically fit and materially sound when we get pregnant (especially the first time), but that is not as necessary as it first seems. Perhaps you can remind your husband that you will be pregnant for 9 months and during that time his business will pick up–and it is certainly possible to get into shape while pregnant (I know–I did it! LOL)

As for touch, there should be things your dh can do–holding hands, hugs, etc–that will fufill your need for touch without being too arousing. A nice walk while holding hands can do wonders for your bad moods and your health!

Praying.