Anyone called to be single?

[BarbaraTherese]

I’m a 28 year old male and I feel like I’m called to be single. I’m a huge introvert and don’t like being around other people that much. The idea of coming home from work every day to a wife and children sounds horrible. I enjoy my solitude. I get together with friends a few times a month, but that’s about it. Plus the drama, conflicts, and disagreements that come with any marriage, even the good ones is a real downer for me. I just don’t want to have to deal with any of that.

I’ve thought about the religious life and don’t feel any calling there as well. With marriage and religious life out, there’s really only one option.

There are two other options in The Church for a single person. To be consecrated as a hermit under Canon 603 or to be a Consecrated virgin (one of course needs to be a virgin and I think only females are admitted - unsure). In both instances one needs to apply to the diocesan bishop and I should image through the Vocations Office of the diocese intially. With Canon 603 one does need to present a rule of life for oneself - it does not have to be one of the recognized rules, one can write one for oneself. In both instances it does depend on one’s bishop…quite a few I have heard are reluctant to consecrate people who will be living in the general community and not supported by an actual religious family or community.

The other option and the one I have followed is to have a spiritual director and to make private vows of poverty, chastity and obedience. While one is not canonically consecrated, the vows are just as applicable and important, valid, as if one were.

Blesssings - Barb

 

[Catholicracer]

I feel like God wants be to be single until after college. but I hope I get married someday.

 

[HeWillProvide]

I’m a 28 year old male and I feel like I’m called to be single. I’m a huge introvert and don’t like being around other people that much. The idea of coming home from work every day to a wife and children sounds horrible. I enjoy my solitude. I get together with friends a few times a month, but that’s about it. Plus the drama, conflicts, and disagreements that come with any marriage, even the good ones is a real downer for me. I just don’t want to have to deal with any of that.

I’ve thought about the religious life and don’t feel any calling there as well. With marriage and religious life out, there’s really only one option.

I feel the same way but sometimes wonder if this is just because of my age, also 28. Is it because we are still in our “selfish” phase of life, figuring out what we want to do, and can’t imagine adding even more stress into that? Will this go away? Or once we are “settled” into our own way of life, we will then look for something else, possibly marriage? Or, agh, will we be like those people who say they don’t want to die alone and start looking at every other human as a possible companion!

 

[twosweetgirls]

I have read every post in this thread with great interest.

I’m wondering: might there be a possibility of starting a religious order specifically for those who have mental illness (like bipolar disorder) who also feel called to serve the Church?

 

[BarbaraTherese]

I have read every post in this thread with great interest.

I’m wondering: might there be a possibility of starting a religious order specifically for those who have mental illness (like bipolar disorder) who also feel called to serve the Church?

Undoubtedly in the cases of some and probably many sufferers of a mental illness they could live a form of religious life. It would simply mean that any applicants would need the approval of their doctor (as well as normal parish priest/spiritual recommendation) and this ideally would take place between the superiors of any Order, the doctor and the applicant where the demands and askings of the way of life could be fully discussed. It would also ask, of course, that members of any such Order take medication and have regular appointments with their doctor. To found such an Order is not an impossibility and I have long been aware of this …Barb

 

[ASimpleSinner]

I have read every post in this thread with great interest.

I’m wondering: might there be a possibility of starting a religious order specifically for those who have mental illness (like bipolar disorder) who also feel called to serve the Church?

To have mental illness as a foundational aspect of the creation of an order (Crazy Jesuits duly noted! *) is something that probably would not be well advised. But that as the case may be, there are still an amazing amount of outlets for the lay Catholic to turn to for service, from third orders, institutes of consecrated life, and volunteer organizations…

• speaks from experience - 4 years Jesuit schooling!

 

[Catholicracer]

I figure that I am called to be single mainly because I cant seem to get a date:nope:

 

[BarbaraTherese]

I figure that I am called to be single mainly because I cant seem to get a date:nope:

Then be assured you are called to the single life until you get a date - then it just could well be that God is calling you out of the single state:thumbsup: …Blessings and my regards…Barb

 

[BarbaraTherese]

To have mental illness as a foundational aspect of the creation of an order (Crazy Jesuits duly noted! *) is something that probably would not be well advised. But that as the case may be, there are still an amazing amount of outlets for the lay Catholic to turn to for service, from third orders, institutes of consecrated life, and volunteer organizations…

• speaks from experience - 4 years Jesuit schooling!

Hello SS…I do think that if many indeed people who are lawyers, doctors, teachers - all professions - and who suffer suffer mental illness can carry out the duties of their professions with complete success with some adjustments, then it is not impossible for a religious order with the foundational aspect being the presence of mental illness to be founded. It is simply perhaps that it has not been done and that there are prevailing inaccuration notions and information re mental illness and sufferers that do prevail in society and The Church.
There is that absolute resistance to what is different and new and on the basis of information that no longer applies.

Blessings and regards…Barb

 

[twosweetgirls]

I figure that I am called to be single mainly because I cant seem to get a date:nope:

You let that date come to you! Don’t go out “looking” for it, otay? Truly, it’s when you aren’t looking that the right person will just be there.

 

[Norseman82]

I figure that I am called to be single mainly because I cant seem to get a date:nope:

That doesn’t necessarily mean you’re meant to be single forever. It may just be a refelction on the stupidity of people who would rather have a pagan frat boy instead of you.

You’re what - only 21??? That’s still young. Cheer up.

 

[Catholicracer]

I know Iam still young and have time. I just get to feeling lonely every now and then. I know I could get a date if I didnt have high standards but i have high standards for a reason

But why is it all the nice girls seem to only want the bad guys?

 

[BarbaraTherese]

I know Iam still young and have time. I just get to feeling lonely every now and then. I know I could get a date if I didnt have high standards but i have high standards for a reason

But why is it all the nice girls seem to only want the bad guys?

Hello again CR…Be assured God does have a plan for your life and that it will indeed unfold. These nice girls are either labouring under illusions/delusions or are not nice girls at all, only appear so. I rejoice in your high standards in our day and age…and I hope you can do so too. In our modern age and the prevailing social notions, it is not at all easy one bit often to be Catholic and a dedicated Catholic - and I feel for our young Catholics especially in this. Be patient, prayer is not always answered in our time frame or in the way we anticipated … keep praying for “more things are wrought by prayer than this world dreams of”. I will be keeping you in my own prayers and that The Lord will speedily send you a truly nice dedicated Catholic Girl and a very joyful date, please remember us in yours.

Is there any way you could join some sort of Catholic youth group with or without a particular ministry? Have you spoken with some sort of spiritual director about your concerns - even Father in Confession. Confession does not have to be only about our sins and failings…we can also seek spiritual support and advice in Confession on matters of concern to us.

Keeping you in prayer…Blessings and regards…Barb

 

[Bataar]

I feel the same way but sometimes wonder if this is just because of my age, also 28. Is it because we are still in our “selfish” phase of life, figuring out what we want to do, and can’t imagine adding even more stress into that? Will this go away? Or once we are “settled” into our own way of life, we will then look for something else, possibly marriage? Or, agh, will we be like those people who say they don’t want to die alone and start looking at every other human as a possible companion!

Maybe for some people. I used to be miserable because I didn’t understand and therefore, didn’t accept my introverted nature. I’d force myself to go to parties and social events that just wore me out. I’d be depressed because it seemed like I was the only one there that didn’t have a good time. I’ve never enjoyed going to parties, and at any given time, only have 2 or 3 friends at the most.

Like I said, I was very depressed until I started reading up on the differences between introversion and extroversion. There are actually biological differences that distinguish how the brain processes information. I now realize why I’m the way I am and no longer try to fight it and I’m much happier. If God drops the right female off at my front porch and she pesters me to the point that I can’t say no to her, then yes, that could be a sign that God is calling me to a relationship. However, I’m either at work, at my house, fishing by myself, or doing some kind of closed activity with my friends, typically activities that females are not interested in.

 

[Diamantina]

Precisely…my experience is that it seems to me the point of reference re mental illness and a vocation is archaic and outdated. As I said in another post (and taking things at an extreme) - there is as much danger of a person with a mental illness who has been stable over a long period becoming disruptive as there is danger of a man entering the priesthood of falling in love and breaking his vow of celibacy. Both are entirely possible, both are unlikely.
A person with a mental illness that is being treated does not overnight become disruptive … there are what we call in mental health circles, “early warning signs” and an illness that is being successfully treated if such signs are picked up on would not become disruptive at all - may need to take things easy for a week or so - the same as if one developed the flu or a bad cold. The Church may as well exclude all people who could develop cancer, or heart disease or the flu…it really makes as much sense by today’s standards. Or as you say, exclude people who wear glasses because they might break them and not be able to perform their ministry.

The truth of the matter is the back of people’s minds and including The Church are totally unrealistic and illogical fears of mental illness. Many do not realize nor will they accept psychiatry’s diagnosis that depression is in fact a mental illness.
If one in five (and this is badly in need of review) at some stage in their lives will develop some form of mental illness as statistics state, The Church may need to close down religious life and the priesthood altogether…which of course is a ridiculous extreme. But it is the prevailing logic taken to an extreme. And The Church does not want to nor will face up to the realities of the situation, so entrenched is this illogical and irrational fear which means sufferers of mental illness who are Catholics are decidedly third class citizens in The Church and limited in vocation. There are exceptions of course to this rule (though not in the priesthood or religious life) who are accepted into active lay ministries in The Church…these exceptions prove the rule, which is the majority.

Blessings - Barb

I am 41, never married, no kids. I live with my mother and younger brother. I earned my BA and went to grad school but did not finish due to a relapse of my mental illness, which meant that I could not concentrate on my studies. My psych diagnoses are severe major depression with psychotic features and Borderline Personality Disorder. Medication (two antidepressants and a antipsychotic) helps a lot, even though I am often tired. I am on SSI (disability payments) but volunteer a lot in my parish as a lector, extraordinary minister of Holy Communion and catechist. I am also a Lay Carmelite who (God willing) is to be professed next year.

Since I am in the USA, I think that the prohibitive cost of health insurance for anyone who has a chronic illness is a factor in keeping people with a history of mental illness out of religious communities. When I have attempted to discern a vocation to a particular religious community and have disclosed my health history, the community almost always slams the doors shut. (The Sisters of Notre Dame de Namur did not absolutely slam their doors, but wanted to make sure that I could work full-time without impediments, which seems reasonable.)

I was told by the Adorers of the Blood of Christ’s LifeChoices program (which I recommend for single people attempting to discern their vocation, whether to marriage, consecrated life or single life in the world) that I did seem to have a vocation to consecrated life in a secular institute or as a consecrated virgin living in the world, which was helpful advice. I hope (God willing) to become a consecrated virgin someday, even though it may be after Cardinal Mahony retires (I am in the Los Angeles archdiocese, which has no consecrated virgins: rumor has it that His Eminence does not want to consecrate any ).

 

[BarbaraTherese]

I am 41, never married, no kids. I live with my mother and younger brother. I earned my BA and went to grad school but did not finish due to a relapse of my mental illness, which meant that I could not concentrate on my studies. My psych diagnoses are severe major depression with psychotic features and Borderline Personality Disorder. Medication (two antidepressants and a antipsychotic) helps a lot, even though I am often tired. I am on SSI (disability payments) but volunteer a lot in my parish as a lector, extraordinary minister of Holy Communion and catechist. I am also a Lay Carmelite who (God willing) is to be professed next year.

Since I am in the USA, I think that the prohibitive cost of health insurance for anyone who has a chronic illness is a factor in keeping people with a history of mental illness out of religious communities. When I have attempted to discern a vocation to a particular religious community and have disclosed my health history, the community almost always slams the doors shut. (The Sisters of Notre Dame de Namur did not absolutely slam their doors, but wanted to make sure that I could work full-time without impediments, which seems reasonable.)

I was told by the Adorers of the Blood of Christ’s LifeChoices program (which I recommend for single people attempting to discern their vocation, whether to marriage, consecrated life or single life in the world) that I did seem to have a vocation to consecrated life in a secular institute or as a consecrated virgin living in the world, which was helpful advice. I hope (God willing) to become a consecrated virgin someday, even though it may be after Cardinal Mahony retires (I am in the Los Angeles archdiocese, which has no consecrated virgins: rumor has it that His Eminence does not want to consecrate any ).

Hi Diamantina…Thank you for your Post. Yes, I have heard from other Posts and in other threads that the cost of health insurance in the USA for one is very high and a factor in why religious communities do preclude sufferers of mental illness. Here in Australia, however, this does not apply as both public and private psychiatrists are available for no cost whatsoever…free of charge.
Here in my own diocese in South Australia I have spoken at length with a consecrated virgin and our current diocesan leadership is not keen at all about consecrating virgins and I have heard this is not at all unusal with Bishops in our Church. To my knowledge we have no hermits consecrated under Canon 603 whatsoever.
I found my own path in making private vows with spiritual direction. I have heard inthe past from various sources of some moment in The Church that I do seem to be called to religious life…where and what was the mystery.
Over and above that it does remain enitrely possible to set up a form of religious living (at least here in Australia with our low cost of medical treatment) for sufferers of mental illness either as a contemplative type way of life or with a ministry…and certainly we here in South Australia say that only other sufferers can truly insight mental illness (there are exceptions of course) and a ministry to those who suffer mental illness by other sufferers is an existing need and while it is being met in some ways, I feel anyway they are inadequate. The concept I have of such religious life for MI sufferers, does probably break new ground in communal living…but that is all it is “new ground” and it would be communal religious life. I think my concept probably has much to offer religious life itself and, of course, there is no reason at all why any conteplated religious order was confined only to sufferers of MI. I have never moved to actually set up such a way of life…if it was to be, then I leave it completely with The Lord to initiate whatever and I guess His first move would be to send me someone else interested. This has never happened and is of no moment to me…The Lord simply does not will it and His Will remains my focus.

I was very happy indeed to read that you are considering the life of the Order of Virgins (consecrated virgin) may God bless you in this and grant to you that wondrous gift of Peace, Joy and fulfillment…Barb

 

[BarbaraTherese]

Just to complete fully my own status…I have been a student on an adult campus here for the past 5 years and am an A student and in quite a few subjects, APlus. It is an ordinary adult campus and not special in any way. We have an excellent social welfare system here in Australia and adult campus’s are simply set up by our government at minimal cost to students to allow adults to complete their eduction on to university and beyond. Each adult campus is linked to a university. However, one can also attend for as many years as one likes (endless subjects are available and not only the academic) simply to improve one’s quality of life. Some mature age students have been on campus for over 12 years simply to improve their quality of life. In 2004 I was awarded Outstanding Student in Journalism. There is an excellent social side to my own campus and all staff are extremely friendly and accommodating and more like peers than any sort of authority on campus. Also, the government pays $62.40 fortnightly as well as, if required, $74 fortnightly mobility allowance. Every January one is paid $200 automatically as a student allowance.
We are very blest here in our social welfare system - extremely blest. I also receive $550 fortnightly disability allowance and my fortnightly rent in government housing is only $130 fortnight. Hence my total ‘income’ fortnightly is $680. My medication only costs me $10month total for one month’s supply of Seroquel, anti psychotic, and Tegratol, mood stabilizer. The cost of living for low income Australians is extremely good too. Dental and Medical treatment cost is either free or extremely low…there are many other reduced cost benefits too.

I could be relocated at any moment…which means a shift of residence and so am marking time, undertaking non academic subjects, with my own eduction and will re look at this when indeed, and if, I am shifted to another suburb. Our government is working on making it more possible for people near or over retirement age, also those with disabilities, to return to work including paying employers a subsidy to employ such people…also re-educating people in some field of expertise to develop their interests/talents at no cost and to make them more employable and attractive as an employee. This in an infant stage is already underway.

 

[Diamantina]

Hi Diamantina…Thank you for your Post. Yes, I have heard from other Posts and in other threads that the cost of health insurance in the USA for one is very high and a factor in why religious communities do preclude sufferers of mental illness. Here in Australia, however, this does not apply as both public and private psychiatrists are available for no cost whatsoever…free of charge.
Here in my own diocese in South Australia I have spoken at length with a consecrated virgin and our current diocesan leadership is not keen at all about consecrating virgins and I have heard this is not at all unusual with Bishops in our Church. To my knowledge we have no hermits consecrated under Canon 603 whatsoever.
I found my own path in making private vows with spiritual direction. I have heard in the past from various sources of some moment in The Church that I do seem to be called to religious life…where and what was the mystery.
Over and above that it does remain entirely possible to set up a form of religious living (at least here in Australia with our low cost of medical treatment) for sufferers of mental illness either as a contemplative type way of life or with a ministry…and certainly we here in South Australia say that only other sufferers can truly insight mental illness (there are exceptions of course) and a ministry to those who suffer mental illness by other sufferers is an existing need and while it is being met in some ways, I feel anyway they are inadequate. The concept I have of such religious life for MI sufferers, does probably break new ground in communal living…but that is all it is “new ground” and it would be communal religious life. I think my concept probably has much to offer religious life itself and, of course, there is no reason at all why any contemplated religious order was confined only to sufferers of MI. I have never moved to actually set up such a way of life…if it was to be, then I leave it completely with The Lord to initiate whatever and I guess His first move would be to send me someone else interested. This has never happened and is of no moment to me…The Lord simply does not will it and His Will remains my focus.

I was very happy indeed to read that you are considering the life of the Order of Virgins (consecrated virgin) may God bless you in this and grant to you that wondrous gift of Peace, Joy and fulfillment…Barb

Greetings in Christ

Dear Barb,

I tried to send this to you as a private message, but your mailbox was full. Thank you for your reply to my post. Do you know why many bishops are reluctant to consecrate hermits and virgins?

A fantasy that I have had is of founding a Carmelite semi-contemplative community for women with a history of mental illness. It would be mostly contemplative, but with a part-time apostolate to help people with mental illness. Of course, I am nowhere near ready to establish such a community, but was interesting to read about your concept that seems so similar to my fantasy. Maybe I am that “someone else interested”?

Please get in touch with me privately when you have the chance.

Vale bene in pace Deo!

Diamantina
The Dangers and Delights of Diamantina

 

[BarbaraTherese]

Greetings in Christ

Dear Barb,

I tried to send this to you as a private message, but your mailbox was full. Thank you for your reply to my post. Do you know why many bishops are reluctant to consecrate hermits and virgins?

A fantasy that I have had is of founding a Carmelite semi-contemplative community for women with a history of mental illness. It would be mostly contemplative, but with a part-time apostolate to help people with mental illness. Of course, I am nowhere near ready to establish such a community, but was interesting to read about your concept that seems so similar to my fantasy. Maybe I am that “someone else interested”?

Please get in touch with me privately when you have the chance.

Vale bene in pace Deo!

Diamantina
The Dangers and Delights of Diamantina

Aplogies Diamantina…after this I will go off and do something about my PM Inbox and make space.

From what I have heard, our Bishops are reluctant to consecrate virgins and hermits as they have no community around them as support and indeed protection. While communal life can be most trying and a trial at times, nevertheless it is a support in the particular way of life and some protection anyway against the trials and temptations of living single in the world. That is what I have heard…it is a big responsibility on our Bishops at a times in the Church history when they are stretched totally anyway.
Frankly, I think our Bishops would run very high blood pressure indeed at the thought of a group of women sufferers of mental illness forming a religious community life…nevertheless where there is a will and God’s Grace and guidance and support, there there is the way. My ‘notion’ is simply that if God Wills such an Order be set up, then it will be and that is that…if He does not will it, then it will never happen. If He does will it, my other ‘notion’ is that my lifetime or even 100 years hence may still not be “His Time”. And who can know for sure…none of us, not even our beloved Bishops. Things unfold as for example you and I having the same interest in religious life with the same ‘impediment’…could come to something and it may not…things unfold - God’s Will unfolds…rarely indeed is one on the road to Damascus and gets knocked off the horse and Jesus speaks to one - though unusual miracles do still occur.
Incidentally and for the benefit too of other readers, when I stated we have no hermits at all consecrated here under Canon 603…I should have qualified that by stating “here in South Australia to my knowledge”.

I will contact you via PM once I get my PM Inbox cleared up.

Blessings and regards…Barb

 

[ASimpleSinner]

I do think that if many indeed people who are lawyers, doctors, teachers - all professions - and who suffer suffer mental illness can carry out the duties of their professions with complete success…

I have no doubts that these folks can carry out the duties of their profession with complete success, in the same fashion one could struggle with illness as a religous.

But the analogy falls short in as much as a doctor or lawyer or school teacher doesn’t seen to set up a practice or find a school where one of the “charisms” or goals of the partnership would be that all other members struggle in the same fashion.

I have been in the seminary (not the same as religous life) and about 8 years ago I suffered from depression in the wake of an accident where my jaw had been wired shut for almost three months. From my experiences, I have a hard time accepting that it would be wise to try to lead a communal life where all members deal with the same difficulties.