Anyone Ever Acted as Matchmaker for Their Kids?

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TrueLight

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I want nothing but the best for my children. As I get older I see the wisdom in arranged marriages.

Well, that’s not going to happen, but I plan to keep my eye open for young men and young women of good character for my kids.

Am I crazy?
 
…y’know, I don’t think I would have minded one. I have great parents, and I know they would have my best interests in mind. They’d also be happy with me being able to veto someone if we didn’t click.

Perhaps I’m crazy too…
 
Aggies08 said:
…y’know, I don’t think I would have minded one. I have great parents, and I know they would have my best interests in mind. They’d also be happy with me being able to veto someone if we didn’t click.

Perhaps I’m crazy too…
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👍

They would just present you with “options” right?

P.S. I just realized there is a parenting subforum here. don’t know if this should be in that section.
 
:eek:

My mom would have picked a small town Christian with a cheesy sense of humor.

I picked a city boy atheist with a dry, sarcastic sense of humor.

She loves my pick anyway. I would have always hated hers.
 
TrueLight said:
I want nothing but the best for my children. As I get older I see the wisdom in arranged marriages.

Well, that’s not going to happen, but I plan to keep my eye open for young men and young women of good character for my kids.

Am I crazy?
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I am not 100% against arranged marriages… just 98% against them 😃 It times when people lived on farms and only left their property 4-5 times a year, there was probably no other way to do it.

But I would REALLY like to caution you on something. My mom was my grade 8 teachers. When I met boys from another school and wanted to go over to their house with a group of girls, she STRICTLY forbid it saying it was immoral. There was a boy in my class ‘Jerry’. My mom loved seing me talk to him in the school yard and was forever saying how she strongly approved of him. Little did my mom know how good an actor Jerry was putting on the charm in front of her. And the boys from the other school were a lot more considerate. These kids will act very differently when you are not around, so be careful before playing match maker

Not to mention, if ever someone tried to match make me with her son, I would immediately vomit and not want to be near her son no matter how big a crush I had on him before mom stepped in.

CM
 
cmscms said:
I am not 100% against arranged marriages… just 98% against them 😃 It times when people lived on farms and only left their property 4-5 times a year, there was probably no other way to do it.

But I would REALLY like to caution you on something. My mom was my grade 8 teachers. When I met boys from another school and wanted to go over to their house with a group of girls, she STRICTLY forbid it saying it was immoral. There was a boy in my class ‘Jerry’. My mom loved seing me talk to him in the school yard and was forever saying how she strongly approved of him. Little did my mom know how good an actor Jerry was putting on the charm in front of her. And the boys from the other school were a lot more considerate. These kids will act very differently when you are not around, so be careful before playing match maker

Not to mention, if ever someone tried to match make me with her son, I would immediately vomit and not want to be near her son no matter how big a crush I had on him before mom stepped in.

CM
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LOL gotcha.

Don’t worry. I’m not so easily fooled. Any type of matchmaking would also involve checking out their families and friends.
 
TrueLight said:
No smart. 😃

If I notice a young man who appears to be nice but all his friends are jerks, that’s a pink flag.
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Be that as it may (and it is) parents have no business looking for partners for their children, much less vetting potential suitors friends and family. Let adult children be adults. If they want to date, they will, and they will pick their own dates.
 
TrueLight said:
LOL gotcha.

Don’t worry. I’m not so easily fooled. Any type of matchmaking would also involve checking out their families and friends.
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I do think as a mom, you do have a responsibility to gently guide your kids. But I also think depending on your relationship with them and their personality, it may not go over so well.

Also, one more thing I would like to caution. My mom is very reserved, so when her little brother started dating his future wife, my mom secretly wished they would marry but never said anything to her brother because they did not have that kind of relationship. Needless to say my mom JUMPED for joy when they got engaged.

Now my mom is forever saying ‘I am so grateful I did not pushed them to marry. My little brother can never blame me for that horrid marriage’. She left him for another man and left their 5 year old son with him to care for. When the boy was 13, she had him over for a visit (he had to take a plane to get there), let him eat candy all day and stay up all night and then said ‘By the way, you can live with me now’. After that treat the kid stayed with her and her new boyfriend. 4 years after that, she left her son again with the new boyfriend. Thank God the boyfriend was kind enough to let him stay there until he finished high school.

Remember, if things don’t work out and you puhsed, it will make you feel guilty

CM
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Be that as it may (and it is) parents have no business looking for partners for their children, much less vetting potential suitors friends and family. Let adult children be adults. If they want to date, they will, and they will pick their own dates.
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Your opinion is duly noted.
 
cmscms said:
I do think as a mom, you do have a responsibility to gently guide your kids.
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I do have a good relationship with my kids. I think they would be grateful and amused. They would at least listen, and then of course reject if they didn’t like my choice. 🙂
Remember, if things don’t work out and you puhsed, it will make you feel guilty
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CM
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Yeah, that’s the bad part.
 
I’m more in favor of trying to instill the best values in my kids and encouraging them to exercise good judgment. Back in college, my mom had a girl picked out for me. My mom had known her for years, was close friends with her parents and thought the world of her. In her eyes, this girl was everything a young, Catholic guy could hope for: a sweet, moral, virginal, Catholic princess with roses springing from her every step. I found out the hard way that nothing could have been further from the truth. On the other hand, although she may not admit it now, my mom never would picked my wife as a match for me. Thankfully, my parents trusted my good judgment.
 
It can work… sometimes. My sister in law, I believe, was set up with her husband by their parents. They saw each other every day at daily Mass, but didn’t have the nerve to actually talk to each other, so their parents took the initiative. I don’t think they pushed or anything, just introduced them. They are an excellent match.

My MIL paid for my husbands subscription to Ave Maria Singles (he was still a teenager), where we met, because she wanted him to meet another Catholic. So in a way, she helped get us together!

Tread carefully, whatever you do.
 
Is your family in a position in which you do not feel confident that your children can find a spouse or come to you on their own initiative? If not, why play matchmaker?
 
Baelor said:
Is your family in a position in which you do not feel confident that your children can find a spouse or come to you on their own initiative? If not, why play matchmaker?
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I don’t know what you mean by that question. What kind of position would we be in?

My kids are gorgeous and smart. As I said before, we get along. There are no underlying issues that would prevent them from finding spouses on their own when they’re old enough. They are still on the young side. There is nothing to analyze here.

Like I said, I want the best for my kids. Is there something wrong with keeping an eye out for them? Especially, if I run across a nice, young, practicing Catholic? 🙂

They also happen to trust their Mom’s intuition.

Ultimately, they will make their own decision.
 
Blenderx said:
It can work… sometimes. My sister in law, I believe, was set up with her husband by their parents. They saw each other every day at daily Mass, but didn’t have the nerve to actually talk to each other, so their parents took the initiative. I don’t think they pushed or anything, just introduced them. They are an excellent match.

My MIL paid for my husbands subscription to Ave Maria Singles (he was still a teenager), where we met, because she wanted him to meet another Catholic. So in a way, she helped get us together!

Tread carefully, whatever you do.
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Good examples. I’m more thinking along those lines.
 
TrueLight said:
I want nothing but the best for my children. As I get older I see the wisdom in arranged marriages.

Well, that’s not going to happen, but I plan to keep my eye open for young men and young women of good character for my kids.

Am I crazy?
Click to expand...
Are you concerned that your children will not meet people of good character without your help? What do your children say? Do they welcome your matchmaking (name removed by moderator)ut? If they’re old enough to date, they’re old enough to have a say in this.

Are you willing to listen to your kids about their romantic preferences? If they are not interested in dating someone of a particular race, appearance, religion, or political persuasion, are you going to be Okay with helping them look for people you wouldn’t have chosen, even if you think your kids are misguided in their preferences? If you’ve helped and helped and helped and they end up with someone you didn’t have a hand in them meeting, are you going to be resesentful?

If they welcome your (name removed by moderator)ut/assistance, fine. Negotiate your role in their romantic lives with them and go for it. If they do not want your (name removed by moderator)ut/assistance, you need - for the sake of your relationship with your kids - to back off. And even if they initially welcome your help, you need to back off if/when they tell you they no longer need it.

Just make sure your motives are coming from the right place (e.g., you’re not trying to be over-controlling of your (soon-to-be) adult children’s lives.). You need to be honest with yourself - brutally honest - about that.

And I’m with BEL, paying for a subscription to a dating site is one thing. “Checking out” other people’s family and friends on behalf of your (soon-to-be) adult children could run you the risk of sending the message that: you think your children have bad judgement; or you’re an interfering busybody. Don’t forget that romance is a two-way relationship. Your kids will be discerning other people, but those people also will be discerning you guys. If some mom started coming around checking me and my husband out because she thought my girl might be good for her son, I’d advise my daughter to run a mile or risk being saddled with a mother-in-law who didn’t know when to quit.

Luna
 
I have a son that is of the age to begin thinking of finding a mate. We have had discussions about this several times He has been in a situation that I feel is not good for him and I have told him why I feel this way. He chose to continue the relationship at that time, but he did seem to think more about it. It has spluttered out on it’s own after a time, but if I had interferred he may have been driven to hang on to prove me wrong. I regret that when he was younger I did not spend enough time talking with him about the importance of this decision and how much it mattered that he chose extremely carefully. It is a mistake I will not make with his younger brother. I would not presume to try to choose for them, but I feel it is my responsibility to give them as many tools as I can to enable them to choose a spouse wisely.
 
I don’t think it is a bad idea to present options as long as the parents do not try to force any relationships that the child does not want. Sometimes friends and family can see more of the big picture of compatibility.
 
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