Anyone feel like they won't ever get married?

[marietta]

agapewolf:

Your statistics are now seven years old.

For statistics detailing U.S. divorce rates for various faith groups, age groups and geographic areas, you may go to: religioustolerance.org/chr_dira.htmt

The information on this site addresses U.S. divorce rates and, in particular, divorce rates among Christian groups. Briefly, “*The *Americans for Divorce Reform estimates that ‘Probably, 40 or possibly even 50 percent of marriages will end in divorce if current trends continue. However, that is only a projection and a prediction.’” Interestingly, the study goes on to say, " Divorce rates among conservative Christians were significantly higher than for other faith groups, and much higher than Atheists and Agnostics experience."

ack:

The person who is seeking love, support, security, personal growth, intimacy does NOT need unilateral, fluffy platitudes. I put my experience out there to be considered from a pragmatic point of view. These people need to go into the search with their eyes wide open. They need to acknowledge red flags and pay attention to their guts when they are given signals that something isn’t right. Romance is not marriage. We are on our best behavior in courtship. My argument is: be aware at all times.

My position to give “advice” is just as legitimate as that of any other poster on this site. Maybe my journey differs dramatically, but that does not disqualify me from sharing my experiences with others.

Norseman82:

My home life did not guide me toward a quest for a cheerful, spiritually sound relationship and/or marriage. It did quite the opposite. I did not marry until I was 31. In the words of John Mayer, we were “slow dancin’ in a burnin’ room”. Our divorce was finalized in 1989. With the exception of one other disastrous and violent relationship from 1994 - 1998, I have deliberately chosen a solitary, abstinent life. If this is the way I need to live in order to avoid the hell of spending every second of every day trying to fix the unfixable, then I am happy to do so.

No, everyone is not like me; indeed, very few people are like me. But we do exist, our experiences are genuine, we do qualify as human beings to share the flip side of the fairy tale.

Do with it what you will, ladies and gentlemen. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

marietta

 

[Archus]

I’m actually very scared about it. Yes, I’m 20 (or will be next month). The biggest argument against this is ‘you’ve got your life ahead of you’. That is true, and from the stories on here, I feel great hope can lie ahead for me.

Yet it doesn’t magically change the loneliness. The desire for marriage is, because of its nature as a vocation, not for everyone. Celibacy is a route to go for people, obviously the main targets, one might say, are those who are called to be priests or lead consecrated lives. I’m new to the faith, so when it comes to ‘getting things right’ and really making the effort to change, I stumble. I have bad habits from my life before I was Catholic, but that isn’t the discussion here.

Looking around and seeing all of this young life around me, it can be choking at times. The ache of me thinking that I won’t end up meeting a woman or someone actually willing to accept me despite my sins, to me is heart stopping. I don’t feel angry or betrayed by God, because I feel in part I have myself to blame, again, another discussion.

It isn’t about strong feelings or a desire for anything, nor should it be something categorised. For example, the social convention of being a ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’ where you have to call them a certain number of times a week, go to specific places on specific dates (first is a movie, second is dinner etc.). It shouldn’t be like that. I feel that the covenant of marriage, ultimately, is. It is a quiet, warm certainty in one’s soul that you like being around them. You like spending time with them, and you love them. Everything about respect, chastity, affection, spontaneity is a result of that relationship, a natural reaction to the relationship that you share. It is the same relationship you have with God, because love is not an emotion, it is a gift. It is a decision.

I want marriage for many reasons. I want to share my life with someone and dedicate myself to that person. I also think I really want to be a father. The big thing for people my age for such radical decisions usually ends with ‘He came to me in a dream’ or other such prophetic revelations. I think the time I knew I wanted to be a dad was when I held my little cousin when he was born. I just held him and thought, especially looking back on it, ‘I want that.’

A special reason, also is so that I can understand God more. I want to feel what He went through about the act of creating life, about His love for His Son, and the respect and pure love His Son has for His spouse, the Church.

I want marriage, but, although I am young, and people may just roll their eyes at my despair, due to the argument stated above, I just fear that because I wasn’t always Catholic, and I’m not A-list material here in terms of social lifestyle (I think my degree says more than I can put in words ). Furthermore, a lot of people here seem to have found their spouse via services such as Ava Maria singles. I’m from the UK, so I don’t really have that luxury, so I resort to traditional conventions, which I am incredibly self-concious of.

So yea, I’m afraid. I want a girl!

End Note
I think the way to battle this, which can apply to all of us, is that prayer is to be our greatest spiritual tool. Glancing over the posts, I am thrilled to see people already take this into action.

Key people to pray to:
St. Joseph
St. Mary
Elizabeth, the mother of John the Baptist (is she a saint? I don’t know)
Jesus (goes without saying, but there, I said it)
Holy Spirit

I also think we should speak to our priests honestly about how we feel. It could well be the desire for marriage is a sign for our vocation to marriage, but what we must not do is cut ourselves off from everything else that is possible in our lives. It would be selfish to pursue marriage if it is not for us - we have to be open to God’s will for us, because marriage is meant to compliment the reality of God’s love, not to replace it.

We should pray for each other. Maybe we can all get each others emails and start a support group via email/IM. We have come as far as to admit our fears. If we can tell each other them, we should be able to actively help each other out and offer up our sufferings and progresses to God.

 

[Ankabaranka_87]

agapewolf:

Your statistics are now seven years old.

For statistics detailing U.S. divorce rates for various faith groups, age groups and geographic areas, you may go to: religioustolerance.org/chr_dira.htmt

That link you sent doesn’t work. but anyways, I wouldn’t trust that website (something about 5 people in the organization…no matter how many sources/articles they get from other organizations…makes me to distrust it).

This link is something I’d trust more (but have fun working the tables ). Besides, stat research take years to develop. The most current stats are a few years behind, because, well, when you are in research …it just takes that long.

 

[Ankabaranka_87]

I know also that the magic formula wont’ guarantee success of a marriage…it takes free will and commitment. However, it’s giving the marriage the best chance at not only survival but success and happiness.

I agree with you, one needs to give marriage the best chance, one cant get married expecting that later a divorce or marriage-turn-sour would happen. One should approach marriage knowing that there will be a few bumps in the road, but it can be dealt with.

I like this quote below from Vanity Fair, because it rings true in my life (and others as well)

*The world is a looking-glass, and gives back to every man the reflection of his own face. Frown at it, and it will in turn look sourly upon you; laugh at it and with it, and it is a jolly kind companion; and so let all young persons take their choice.
*

 

[marietta]

Ankabaranka_87:

Sorry the link didn’t work for you; the information was interesting.

Say, how about this:

“I wouldn’t trust that group anyways - something about one guy in the organization with 12 other guys following him around . . . makes me distrust it . . .”

marietta

 

[beckers]

Ankabaranka_87:

Sorry the link didn’t work for you; the information was interesting.

Say, how about this:

“I wouldn’t trust that group anyways - something about one guy in the organization with 12 other guys following him around . . . makes me distrust it . . .”

marietta

seriously can you guys take your argument to another thread? I almost missed the post by Archus.

I think most of my generation is very aware that marriages can and do fail if they do not have the right foundation. Most of my friends are like me and are from divorced families. We are all taking our time and trying to make sure we don’t make the same mistakes that our parents made. It is still very scary because you wonder if you have the knoelwdge and foundation whether to trust your feelings to make the correct decision or whether you know how a “normal” relationship is suppose to work.

It has taken me lots of years of discrenment and prayer to understand that i am not my parents. My personality and wants and needs are different then my parents. I have had to learn to trust that those who i love will not automatically hurt me just because i love them. And most importantly to trust God that he will provide and always submitting myself to his will.

 

[ack]

A slightly unrelated thought that’s been on my mind:

Conventional wisdom says that it’s easier to avoid sexual sin when married than when single. Many believe that 1 Cor 7:9 backs up this opinion.

Has anyone considered that it might be EASIER for singles to avoid sexual sin than married people?

Let me explain: For the most part, the faithful single Catholics on this forum are trying pretty hard to keep themselves away from sexual sin. There are a few singles who are struggling with reoccurring sin, but they are normally very ashamed over their shortcomings and are doing everything they can to break sinful habits.

On the other hand, I’ve been seeing more and more posts from faithful married Catholics who, for whatever reason, feel that they must procure and use artificial contraception. Some of them are ashamed of what they’re doing and are doing everything they can to avoid purchasing and using contraception, while others either want to avoid all discussion of the issue, or even contend that the use of contraception is moral in their case. I’m not talking about dissenting Catholics here – I’m talking about Catholics who normally uphold and defend church teachings – except for this one.

I’m not naming names or linking to threads because the identity of specific posters isn’t relevant.

My point is, it seems like staying abstinent while single is far easier than avoiding contraception use while married.

Because both are grave sins, it would follow that, in the arena of sexual sin, it’s easier for singles to lead holy lives than married people.

This post is not intended as an indictment of anyone’s martial status – I only intend to make an argument that turns a commonly stated assumption on its head.

Thoughts?

 

[marietta]

My post #160 contained a non-functioning link. In case anyone cares to peruse statistics regarding divorce rates (because they have been referred to on this thread a few times), you may :

Google “Religious Tolerance”
Within that site you will have the option to Google “divorce” to search ReligiousTolerance.org (do not search the Web)
Select “U.S. Divorce Rates For Various Faith Groups, Age Groups, & Geographic Areas”.

Sorry for the error.

marietta

 

[agapewolf]

My post #160 contained a non-functioning link. In case anyone cares to peruse statistics regarding divorce rates (because they have been referred to on this thread a few times), you may :

Google “Religious Tolerance”
Within that site you will have the option to Google “divorce” to search ReligiousTolerance.org (do not search the Web)
Select “U.S. Divorce Rates For Various Faith Groups, Age Groups, & Geographic Areas”.

Sorry for the error.

marietta

This means nothing. “Cultural catholicism” is an epidemic where people list themselves Catholic but care nothing or practice nothing of the faith. THey say that Catholics divorce 21%… its actually higher groupwed with that last statistic I gave. (I ommitted it because it didn’t add to the point I was making)…but those are self reported statistics…meaning people say they are Catholic but don’t really practice the faith. Cafeteria Catholics are another brand. Just check out the secular bride sites. People that say they are catholic gives anecdotes about how they lie to the priest when going for marriage prep about living together, among many other things.

My statistics stand firm…no matter how old…they speak volumes. While statistics can be played with, I do admit…the absolute HUGE drop in numbers to those that pray at home together is undeniable.

One can be so jaded, but do NOT deny the Cross of its power. Christ instituted the marriage as a sacrament…Marriage is the means of new life from the very beginning. Do not become a “master of suspicion” (as JP II refers to those philosophers who lack hope in TOTB). The cross is not powerless, but powerful. Christianity is NOT sin management. It is hopefulness.

Please read Theology of the Body

 

[marietta]

“Nothing is wonderful when you get used to it.”
- Edward W. Howe

 

[Ankabaranka_87]

to ack’s post. She’s bringing an interesting question:

Conventional wisdom says that it’s easier to avoid sexual sin when married than when single. Many believe that 1 Cor 7:9 backs up this opinion.
…

Has anyone considered that it might be EASIER for singles to avoid sexual sin than married people?
…
My point is, it seems like staying abstinent while single is far easier than avoiding contraception use while married.

Thoughts?

hard to say…because I have yet to get married…so my opinion is only one-sided.

when you are single and have not experienced sex (especially if you weren’t exposed to media/novels/other people who talk about sex), you probably wouldn’t know/care about it. When you are married, you already experienced it, so it could potentially bring you to temptation…

for example, travelled a lot during my childhood/teen years. however, in these past 3 years, i stayed mostly in one area. and i am itching to travel. it is really difficult for me to stay in one spot right now, because of my past travelling experience. When I speak to people who travelled very little (their whole life, they never went out of their state/province), they are indifferent to travelling (since they never experienced it).

i’ll add more of my thoughts about this another day…it’s late here in Canada…and i might post nonsense

seriously can you guys take your argument to another thread? I almost missed the post by Archus.

Sorry for contributing to the argument. …i just wanted to know where agapewolf was getting her sources from, because her stats sounded interesting. however, if i were to discuss with people, they’d like to know where i got my information from.anyways enough with that.

 

[beckers]

Sorry for contributing to the argument. …i just wanted to know where agapewolf was getting her sources from, because her stats sounded interesting. however, if i were to discuss with people, they’d like to know where i got my information from.anyways enough with that.

Nothing to apologize for I just felt the argument was getting off topic and becoming some what heated which wasn’t the point of this thread.

This feeling of not getting married has been coming up a lot in my group of friends and i want to hear others ideas of how they are dealing with it. It feels nice to know i am not alone in my struggle, in my journey and that my feelings are in a sense “normal”.

 

[Archus]

well if anyone did miss it I’ll post it again:

I’m actually very scared about it. Yes, I’m 20 (or will be next month). The biggest argument against this is ‘you’ve got your life ahead of you’. That is true, and from the stories on here, I feel great hope can lie ahead for me.

Yet it doesn’t magically change the loneliness. The desire for marriage is, because of its nature as a vocation, not for everyone. Celibacy is a route to go for people, obviously the main targets, one might say, are those who are called to be priests or lead consecrated lives. I’m new to the faith, so when it comes to ‘getting things right’ and really making the effort to change, I stumble. I have bad habits from my life before I was Catholic, but that isn’t the discussion here.

Looking around and seeing all of this young life around me, it can be choking at times. The ache of me thinking that I won’t end up meeting a woman or someone actually willing to accept me despite my sins, to me is heart stopping. I don’t feel angry or betrayed by God, because I feel in part I have myself to blame, again, another discussion.

It isn’t about strong feelings or a desire for anything, nor should it be something categorised. For example, the social convention of being a ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’ where you have to call them a certain number of times a week, go to specific places on specific dates (first is a movie, second is dinner etc.). It shouldn’t be like that. I feel that the covenant of marriage, ultimately, is. It is a quiet, warm certainty in one’s soul that you like being around them. You like spending time with them, and you love them. Everything about respect, chastity, affection, spontaneity is a result of that relationship, a natural reaction to the relationship that you share. It is the same relationship you have with God, because love is not an emotion, it is a gift. It is a decision.

I want marriage for many reasons. I want to share my life with someone and dedicate myself to that person. I also think I really want to be a father. The big thing for people my age for such radical decisions usually ends with ‘He came to me in a dream’ or other such prophetic revelations. I think the time I knew I wanted to be a dad was when I held my little cousin when he was born. I just held him and thought, especially looking back on it, ‘I want that.’

A special reason, also is so that I can understand God more. I want to feel what He went through about the act of creating life, about His love for His Son, and the respect and pure love His Son has for His spouse, the Church.

I want marriage, but, although I am young, and people may just roll their eyes at my despair, due to the argument stated above, I just fear that because I wasn’t always Catholic, and I’m not A-list material here in terms of social lifestyle (I think my degree says more than I can put in words ). Furthermore, a lot of people here seem to have found their spouse via services such as Ava Maria singles. I’m from the UK, so I don’t really have that luxury, so I resort to traditional conventions, which I am incredibly self-concious of.

So yea, I’m afraid. I want a girl!

End Note
I think the way to battle this, which can apply to all of us, is that prayer is to be our greatest spiritual tool. Glancing over the posts, I am thrilled to see people already take this into action.

Key people to pray to:
St. Joseph
St. Mary
Elizabeth, the mother of John the Baptist (is she a saint? I don’t know)
Jesus (goes without saying, but there, I said it)
Holy Spirit

I also think we should speak to our priests honestly about how we feel. It could well be the desire for marriage is a sign for our vocation to marriage, but what we must not do is cut ourselves off from everything else that is possible in our lives. It would be selfish to pursue marriage if it is not for us - we have to be open to God’s will for us, because marriage is meant to compliment the reality of God’s love, not to replace it.

We should pray for each other. Maybe we can all get each others emails and start a support group via email/IM. We have come as far as to admit our fears. If we can tell each other them, we should be able to actively help each other out and offer up our sufferings and progresses to God.

 

[Morwenna]

We should pray for each other. Maybe we can all get each others emails and start a support group via email/IM. We have come as far as to admit our fears. If we can tell each other them, we should be able to actively help each other out and offer up our sufferings and progresses to God.

Hi Archus, You’re absolutely right, and some of us on this thread are indeed praying for each other I am adding you to our list

For those who are praying along with me for the future marriage intentions of those on the thread, here is an updated list:

Harmony1988
beckers
ladylinguist
Norseman82
chevalier
Gisella
Sierrah
JustinL
Felicity in TX
azgirl
Cosmo23
lampstand
Morwenna
Alan
Trevor
bookish
CarolAnnSFO
agapewolf
Lady Bug
Taya (Ambrose)
unixfudotnet
catherine m
macian
LSK
Belgarion
Archus
and all others who are not mentioned.

I am praying for each of us by (screen)name as often as possible.

I am praying that God will make each of us ready for our future spouse (and them ready for us), lead us to each other, and to pour out grace upon us to give us strength and hope while we’re waiting. :heaven:

Thank you to all who are joining in prayer for these intentions. If I’ve missed anyone, or if anyone would like to be added to this list, please post here or send me a PM … same applies to anyone who is on the list and wants to be removed (I certainly don’t want to offend or make anyone uncomfortable!).

May Our Lord bless these intentions, and may the Blessed Virgin Mary and St Joseph intercede for us.

 

[phantom]

Just as the thread title says. Also, some married people now, did you have such thoughts when you were younger. I do not mean this in a way such as a vocation regarding celibacy, but rather that they won’t ever find someone and doomed to live a single life.

Of course this depends on whether you feel the ‘single life’ is ‘doom’ - Personally, for me, I do.

The single life really isn’t so bad. When I was single, my attitude was: I have to be happy by myself before I will be able to be happy with someone else. I think that was a good way to look at it. Marriage is difficult, but I would recommend it. Don’t expect marriage to give a sexual satisfaction. I really think I was more satisified sexually when I was single and abstaining from sex. Sexual abstinence was very rewarding at times. Once I got married it was more difficult to abstain and difficult to schedule relations with my wife. The children are great and the commitment is great. It is a very worthwhile experience. Don’t expect to control your spouse and definately don’t expect to change your spouse. My mother always said: “Be good and you will always be happy”. Happiness is a personal choice.

 

[Lady_James]

I am 42 and still looking for love. I have joined the Catholic Unattached directory but everyone I write to either doesn’t write back or has already found someone. I am really miserable and think I will spend the rest of my life alone.:crying: I try not to feel sorry for myself and keep myself busy 0 but there is only so much a girl can do

 

[Trishie]

Father, in Jesus’ name please help all those on this thread to find suitable, good Catholic spouses in lasting happy marriages.

 

[Catholic_Kenpo]

I think you can add me to that list as well. I’m 34 and haven’t met anyone yet. It probably doesn’t help that I live in NC, which, if I remember correctly, has the lowest Catholic population in the country.

-CK

 

[Sierrah]

I am 42 and still looking for love. I have joined the Catholic Unattached directory but everyone I write to either doesn’t write back or has already found someone. I am really miserable and think I will spend the rest of my life alone.:crying: I try not to feel sorry for myself and keep myself busy 0 but there is only so much a girl can do

Yep know exactly where you’re coming from. Best put it aside and accept what may be reality. Volunteer work helps me. I feel like at least I’m contributing something other then mopping but it’s still hard on holidays and don’t get me started on Valentines day.

 

[agapewolf]

you should probably put ages and whether the person is femaile or male after their name on that prayer list.