Anyone here with experience with online/long-distance relationships?

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What sort of things did you do when you first met up, for those who met up on online relationships?
 
Yeah, sightseeing and meal dates. Didn’t meet his parents on the first visit. They lived 500 miles away, I had already driven for two hours then flown for ten over an ocean and across six time zones to get to him, and I was only there for the weekend. But that happened two months later.

He also did some research so I would be able to go to Mass. Although we didn’t go together (he’s not Catholic), he did understand how important it was to me and was careful not to monopolize the limited time we had so I could attend.
 
We met at restaurants for awhile then began going for long walks, met at the mall a few times.
 
DarkLight said:
I’m wondering if anyone here has experience with a long-distance relationship. If so, how did it work out? What sort of things did you do to get to know each other?

Even if you haven’t been in one, I take general advice too.
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Online? No. Long-distance? Yes. Met at university then our studies took us apart (by a full continent: Vancouver and Montreal). Then we rekindled but still lived apart for about 2 years until we could be together. In those two years she lived much closer in Toronto, and me an hour from Montreal. I tried almost every method of public and private transit (car, plane, train but I drew the line at “bus”). No Internet in those days, lots of phone calls, lots of mileage on my car, a big fat hole in my bank account, and a big fat Visa bill.

I remember the 6 pm Friday night Quebecair (now long defunct) 737 flight to Toronto, $69 each way. I called it the “boyfriend/girlfriend airlift”. As soon as the captain announced we were starting our descent, the girls would all take out their makeup kits and start primping. On the Sunday night return flight, the exact same people would be on the plane. But, as they were heading home, no makeup before landing. Also spent a Friday evening on a siding on the mainline to Toronto, on a broken-down train in the dead of winter with no heat or lights.

We’ve been married 28 years now. I’ve known her for 39 years. We have three adult sons.

So yes, I’d say it worked out pretty good 😛

Was it easy? Nope. Was it rewarding? Well, for the same woman I’d gladly do it all over again.
 
DarkLight said:
What sort of things did you do when you first met up, for those who met up on online relationships?
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When I first met my wife we had arranged to do a walking pilgrimage across Latvia to a shrine to the Our Lady. It was a great chance for us to pray and talk together and for her friends to meet me and decide if I was a nice guy or not…lol 😃
 
The first time we met in person we just happened to be in Chicago at the same time. We went to dinner the first night and then the next day, we went to Mass. When he came to visit me, we did mostly sight-seeing, dining out, and spent a little bit of time with my family. When I visited him, there wasn’t as much to do where he lived and his parents were two hours away, so we watched a lot of movies and took long walks.
 
Now the question is how I convince my parents that I’m not going to end up in a back alley dumpster because of this. 😃
 
adampeter said:
when i first met my wife we had arranged to do a walking pilgrimage across latvia to a shrine to the our lady. It was a great chance for us to pray and talk together and for her friends to meet me and decide if i was a nice guy or not…lol :d
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awwww!
 
Xantippe said:
Don’t wind up in a dumpster.

Easy peasy.
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Yep!

IIRC, your situation with parents is a little fraught anyway. I’m not saying hide it from them in the early stages, and give them the means to contact you if you travel, but you might find other reasons to disclose why you are travelling (and maybe those reasons can be what you do to get to know this person.)

But yes - stay in public, daylight, know how to make a hasty exit if needed. All the usual safety stuff.
 
pensmama87 said:
Yep!

IIRC, your situation with parents is a little fraught anyway. I’m not saying hide it from them in the early stages, and give them the means to contact you if you travel, but you might find other reasons to disclose why you are travelling (and maybe those reasons can be what you do to get to know this person.)

But yes - stay in public, daylight, know how to make a hasty exit if needed. All the usual safety stuff.
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And make sure somebody else knows where you are and with whom.
 
DarkLight said:
Now the question is how I convince my parents that I’m not going to end up in a back alley dumpster because of this. 😃
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At first, I simply didn’t tell mine. :whistle: They were brought into it after I’d seen The Future Husband several times. Other people knew, but not Mom and certainly not Dad.
 
I think you have to smart about it, and take every safety precaution.
Don’t let your heart push you into silly choices.
Even if you think this guy is the kindest, most upright, and gentlemanly person…
take precautions. He’ll respect you for it.

Meet in a very public place in daylight hours
Make your own lodging arrangements.
Have enough cab fare at all times.
Have all emergency numbers preprogrammed in your phone.
Tell everyone you know where you are going, his full name, where he works, etc.

Sound crazy?
I don’t want to be PM-ing people 3 months from now going “Whatever happened to DarkLight??? She’s gone missing!”

😃
Just be safe and careful and have a good time.

😉
 
DarkLight said:
I’m wondering if anyone here has experience with a long-distance relationship. If so, how did it work out? What sort of things did you do to get to know each other?

Even if you haven’t been in one, I take general advice too.
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To be honest with you, when I saw: ‘Anyone here with experience with online/long-distance relationships?,’ my first thought was: ‘oh poor you, what have you got yourself in.’

There are plenty of people for whom such relationships have worked, let’s say, some period of dating and a year or two of engagement before marrying and moving in together and somehow they haven’t missed too many yellow flags or misconstrued the other party’s personality before. And then it’s just like with everybody else.

What speaks in favour of those relationships not being that much different is that, realistically, distance matters little when it’s already there, as in whether you you have to drive 1 hour or 5 it doesn’t really matter as much as having to travel at all vs living on the other side of the same street. Also, depending on how much time your work or school or other occupations consume, you may even live in the same town and still see each other only during the weekends or even not every weekend. Besides, while you probably aren’t going to be setting up video calls on Skype with someone from the same town, a lot of the time it’s still going to be just a long phone call instead of a proper date. At that point it doesn’t really make that much of a relevant difference how long your dating commute takes when you do meet up, especially if there aren’t too big expenses or logistical problems.

… But the long-distance categorization may still live in the brain and live its own life and do strange things, compared to ‘normal’ relationships that could not be described as long-distance.

The point: geographical distance itself is of only relative importance. But it’s all in the brain. Everything depends on how well you guys, both of you, are going to take it. That is unfortunately something very subjective and something you can’t tell before you try, anyway.

Here are some typical problems:
  1. In dating someone you can’t really just date, so it’s more likely to be texting, chatting, Skype calls etc., the distance is likely to be something that you can’t obviously physically put your hand on but can also quite obviously feel it quite physically anyway. It’s like a wall or a sea or rivers and mountains, you get the point, it’s there.
  2. Being in a relationship triggers a need for closeness, warmth, companionship. Due to the distance the other party can’t provide it. It may end up being unfulfilled. And that may lead to frustration. Or temptation.
  3. There may be some temptation for vicarious relationships such as an affectionate friendship with someone of the opposite sex who also has a long-distance romantic interest. And meeting interesting, engaging people one would otherwise be interested in but has to ‘forsake’ because of an uncertain relationship, which is in some way more prospective than actual, and which is already experiencing some problems, suffice to say it’s a sacrifice that is felt.
  4. Uneven pacing at which the relationship is progressing for each of you also can be a problem, especially if the need for spending time together having those video calls on Skype in between rare meetings is something that is not felt with equal intensity by both of the parties.
  5. You’re going to spend some time thinking about the relationship, planning etc. without the other person around, and that can lead to some wishful thinking, taking for granted or other ways of not being on the same page.
  6. Also the risk of being in love with an image rather than a person is at least a bit higher.
  7. Not being part of the other person’s normal environment is a pain.
  8. Apart from just geographical distance, there are cultural differences. In the US several hundred miles doesn’t make as much of a cultural difference as in Europe, but it can still be a problem. Point being: distances is not just counting miles.
  9. Unless you can find something sensible to do together, such as playing chess or battleships, the conversations may become boring, repetitive, there can be a greater risk of either debating for the sake of it (which is not very healthy in a romantic relationship if taken to excess) or, let’s say, flirting too heavily. It could also be a sensible idea to emphasize ‘physical’ meetings instead, perhaps even not insist on talking for the sake of talking.
  10. Speaking of which, it’s good to be on the same page re: talking for the sake of talking (e.g. just bridging a call since you’re both online anyway) vs putting concentrated effort in the conversation. And especially if you’re chatting by typing rather than talking via Skype, even something like taking 5 minutes instead of 3 to reply can lead to problems.
  11. This is simply because of how emotionally draining the situation is on both parties and how the lack of offline presence complicates reading the other party’s behaviour, intentions etc.
On the plus side, there are people who say the long distance taught them to appreciate their meetings, appreciate each other, not waste time arguing etc. It can certainly be a bonding experience, as well as actually a great adventure if you’re so minded.
 
Still, for myself I’ve decided not to try again unless both parties are ready to marry as it is and one party is ready to move. A lot of this is obviously not something you know from the get-go, even if you’ve already been friends for a while before discovering romantic feelings.

What else? As much as money can’t buy happiness, it can buy tickets and reservations and everything else that has a monetary cost. Being in reduced financial circumstances means fewer meetings, and being in a good place financially means more meetings, which makes things easier.

And, for the record, the only people who don’t have any form of long-distance relationships are students who date someone from the same college or people who date their next-door neighbour. Otherwise everybody has to cope with some measure of distance anyway, so we’re all in this situation in some degree.

Best wishes, whatever you decide. Hope it works out for you, either way.
 
I’m not going to be stupid, of course.

But my mother’s initial response was to shudder and say “ew creepy” when I told her (he’s planning on coming up to my area). Followed by a pointed “well he says he’s Catholic.” So I can safely say they’re not exactly keen on the idea - it’s nothing about him specifically, she just doesn’t like the idea of me talking to people online in the first place.
 
DarkLight said:
I’m not going to be stupid, of course.

But my mother’s initial response was to shudder and say “ew creepy” when I told her (he’s planning on coming up to my area). Followed by a pointed “well he says he’s Catholic.” So I can safely say they’re not exactly keen on the idea - it’s nothing about him specifically, she just doesn’t like the idea of me talking to people online in the first place.
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All the more reason to invite him to dinner. At home. With mom.
 
pianistclare said:
All the more reason to invite him to dinner. At home. With mom.
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I will consider that, but I’m not sure my parents would be comfortable with that. All I can imagine is “You told a man off the internet our street address?”
 
DarkLight said:
I will consider that, but I’m not sure my parents would be comfortable with that. All I can imagine is “You told a man off the internet our street address?”
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How is that different from telling a guy form college or work you address?
At some point, they have to trust your judgments.
Especially if you’re being smart about it.
Would they rather you met him in a dark restaurant across town?
Home seems reasonable. If he doesn’t WANT to come, that says more about him. 🤷
 
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