Anyone insecure in their youth?

[Julie_de_Sales]

I’m in my early 20’s and just finished my Master’s degree. From my early childhood I was sure I was called to religious life because I wanted to serve God and give myself completely to him. After highschool I visited a number of communities for short periods of time and I could have entered long time ago but I was always having second thougths and wondering if it was the right congregation or not, kind of waiting for a divine confirmation.
For the past two years or so my desire to become a nun has decresed to the point where now I can’t even stand the thought of never getting married or having children. I’m also experiencing a faith crisis for a while now. Sometimes I still get excited about the idea of religious life, especially when I’m around sisters, and it was during one of these moments when I asked to make a live-in for several months with a certain community I know very well. The problem is that now I have no desire to do it anymore but I will still go because I kind of made a commitment. When I think about being a nun I don’t feel joy or peace anymore, just anxiety. I find myself wondering where I will apply for a job after I come back home or where to find a husband which is crazy, I shouldn’t be like this.
Needless to say, my family doesn’t understand what in the world is going on with me and neither do I. I have a SD but it’s not helping much. I feel very disappointed with myself for going back and forth and being so insecure, and my family is also pressuring me to make up my mind once and for all. I share this to ask for support and maybe you have had similar experiences, not necessary regarding a religious vocation but just making decisions in your 20’s…

 

[ShrodingersCat]

I had anxiety about vocation as a teen. But I never wanted to be a nun, I was just terrified that God was calling me to it (spoiler: he wasn’t and I’m married now).

So this was the best piece of advice I ever heard: God has a plan for you. But ultimately he only cares that you get to heaven. I don’t believe that there is only one path in life that will make you happy. You could be happy as a nun, single or married to any one of a dozen guys within a ten mile radius of you right now.

God rarely does a St. Paul on us and blinds us temporarily while pointing out the actual direction we need to go. So you really should just do what you feel like doing in terms of vocation. If you want to pursue live-ins as an experiment, do that. If you don’t, don’t. But just see it as an experiment. And ignore anyone who tries to rush you.

I also think, in my personal opinion, that months is too long a time to commit to staying for you. I’d advise a chat with the mother superior or whoever is organising the live-in. Explain all your misgivings and ask her advice. I wouldn’t worry about bailing out either: I’d say bailing is more common than you think

 

[ShrodingersCat]

I’d just like to add that I don’t think it’s common for anyone to have things figured out in their twenties. Most people don’t think much and just coast and then have a mid life crisis and buy a motorbike

But quarter life crises are a ‘thing’ for those 20 somethings who stop clubbing for long enough to realise that they have no idea what they want to do in life

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I’d just like to add that I don’t think it’s common for anyone to have things figured out in their twenties.

^^This. Also, many of the people who do think and act like they have “things figured out” in their early 20s all of a sudden feel an urge to make a major change around the time they hit 30.

There are a handful of people who are pretty sure what they want from their teens or maybe even their childhood, and go on to pursue that goal more or less, but it is rare. People in earlier times were more able to make their minds up young because people were expected to socially mature then much earlier in general; the lifespan was shorter and one wasn’t expected to spend so many years attending school or being supported by one’s parents as young people routinely do today.

You might ask yourself what gets you excited and interested in a vocation again when you are around sisters. Is it that you feel truly called to the vocation, or is it that once you enter the order, you would not have to make a lot of life decisions and the path would be more or less laid out for you, with a supportive community built in? Or is it just exciting and fun to spend time around a positive, upbeat faith community? You might want to see if there is some lay community group you could join for prayer and service projects and see if that gets you just as excited as being around the sisters.

Why is your family pressuring you to make a decision? Is there some impetus for this (like money, or needing you to move out of the house) or are they just getting impatient with you going back and forth? It’s really your decision to make on your own time, they shouldn’t be pressuring you unless you’re putting some drain on their resources, like expecting them to keep supporting you while you decide what to do.

 

[joeybaggz]

I feel very disappointed with myself for going back and forth and being so insecure, but just making decisions in your 20’s…

Julie, I didn’t really know what I wanted until I was 54. I know a great many priests and religious who found their true vocation to the religious life after leading a secular one. One of my favorite monks here where I live was an atheist and computer engineer until his late twenties. And he is not the only one.

You might look up the story of a nun who once starred in a movie with Elvis Presley in the 50’s or 60’s. (She wasn’t a nun at the time but simply a young single actress). I don’t remember her name (another poster might be more familiar) but I have read her story in Catholic publications and it is inspiring. She didn’t know what she truly wanted until later in life.

From you post, I think you have things pretty well figured out. I imagine religious communities are reluctant to accept people who express the doubt and confusion you do. As one poster said, the St. Paul moment is not a regular occurrence. God will eventually lead you where you belong. Have faith and put away the doubt and insecurity. You will eventually find your true calling.

Shalom

 

[Sarcelle]

If I was offered the chance to go back to my youth, I will turn it down.

The road from youth to the age I am now has been a hard road. I don’t want to walk it again.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

You might look up the story of a nun who once starred in a movie with Elvis Presley in the 50’s or 60’s. (She wasn’t a nun at the time but simply a young single actress). I don’t remember her name (another poster might be more familiar) but I have read her story in Catholic publications and it is inspiring. She didn’t know what she truly wanted until later in life.

You’re speaking of Mother Dolores Hart, and yes she is awesome. She was in “Loving You” with Elvis and “Where the Boys Are” with Connie Francis and a bunch of stars of the time, and several other movies with people like Montgomery Clift. But she felt a strong call to a religious vocation and in the middle of a promotional tour for her latest movie, she just took a one-way ride to the abbey and stayed there. There’s a documentary about her called “God is the Bigger Elvis” that’s really good.

 

[Memaw]

I’m in my early 20’s and just finished my Master’s degree. From my early childhood I was sure I was called to religious life because I wanted to serve God and give myself completely to him. After highschool I visited a number of communities for short periods of time and I could have entered long time ago but I was always having second thougths and wondering if it was the right congregation or not, kind of waiting for a divine confirmation.
For the past two years or so my desire to become a nun has decresed to the point where now I can’t even stand the thought of never getting married or having children. I’m also experiencing a faith crisis for a while now. Sometimes I still get excited about the idea of religious life, especially when I’m around sisters, and it was during one of these moments when I asked to make a live-in for several months with a certain community I know very well. The problem is that now I have no desire to do it anymore but I will still go because I kind of made a commitment. When I think about being a nun I don’t feel joy or peace anymore, just anxiety. I find myself wondering where I will apply for a job after I come back home or where to find a husband which is crazy, I shouldn’t be like this.
Needless to say, my family doesn’t understand what in the world is going on with me and neither do I. I have a SD but it’s not helping much. I feel very disappointed with myself for going back and forth and being so insecure, and my family is also pressuring me to make up my mind once and for all. I share this to ask for support and maybe you have had similar experiences, not necessary regarding a religious vocation but just making decisions in your 20’s…

When I was young I really wanted to be a Nun and I even wrote to a Teaching Order because I also wanted to teach kids. I felt that way from about 11 on, and when I was 16 ( I had been writing to them for about a year), they invited me to come spend a month with them to get acquainted with the Order. My older sister started talking to me and scared the daylights out of me. She told me they would ship me off to a foreign country and I would never see Mom again. I was quite shy at the time and had never been away from home. I loved my Mom dearly and did not want to go the rest of my life not seeing her. I just told my Mother I changed my mind and didn’t want to go. She helped me write a nice letter to the Order. I never told Mom why. She thought I was just to shy to go. We could not afford for me to go to college to be a teacher as I had wished I could. Eventually I married and had a family. I loved my family and even was privileged to get to teach CCD for nearly 20 years. I am Blessed. BUT in my heart of hearts, I STILL wish I could have been a NUN. I was sad when the Nuns left their habits behind and my heart still leaps when I see a Nun in her habit. I always go talk to her. My kids are raised and I am a Gr. Grandmother and in my 80’s but my heart still yearns. Please talk to someone who can help you discern what God has waiting for you. Years later my Mom and I were talking and I told her why I changed my mind and she said, “Oh, I wish you had told me, I could have helped you , your sister didn’t know anything about different Orders or she wouldn’t have told you that.” Mom did explain. You have plenty of time to check out the Order before you make up your mind. The Holy Spirit will help you with that if you sincerely pray about it. God Bless, Memaw

 

[joeybaggz]

You’re speaking of Mother Dolores Hart, and yes she is awesome. She was in “Loving You” with Elvis and “Where the Boys Are” with Connie Francis and a bunch of stars of the time, and several other movies with people like Montgomery Clift. But she felt a strong call to a religious vocation and in the middle of a promotional tour for her latest movie, she just took a one-way ride to the abbey and stayed there. There’s a documentary about her called “God is the Bigger Elvis” that’s really good.

Thank you for the citation. I agree it is a heartwarming and inspirational story about finding one’s true vocation. I would hope the OP gets a chance to read her story. That tug as to a life’s vocation often takes some help from beyond oneself to discern. Again, thanks for the update.

Shalom

 

[egretps]

When I was young I really wanted to be a Nun and I even wrote to a Teaching Order because I also wanted to teach kids. I felt that way from about 11 on, and when I was 16 ( I had been writing to them for about a year), they invited me to come spend a month with them to get acquainted with the Order. My older sister started talking to me and scared the daylights out of me. She told me they would ship me off to a foreign country and I would never see Mom again. I was quite shy at the time and had never been away from home. I loved my Mom dearly and did not want to go the rest of my life not seeing her. I just told my Mother I changed my mind and didn’t want to go. She helped me write a nice letter to the Order. I never told Mom why. She thought I was just to shy to go. We could not afford for me to go to college to be a teacher as I had wished I could. Eventually I married and had a family. I loved my family and even was privileged to get to teach CCD for nearly 20 years. I am Blessed. BUT in my heart of hearts, I STILL wish I could have been a NUN. I was sad when the Nuns left their habits behind and my heart still leaps when I see a Nun in her habit. I always go talk to her. My kids are raised and I am a Gr. Grandmother and in my 80’s but my heart still yearns. Please talk to someone who can help you discern what God has waiting for you. Years later my Mom and I were talking and I told her why I changed my mind and she said, “Oh, I wish you had told me, I could have helped you , your sister didn’t know anything about different Orders or she wouldn’t have told you that.” Mom did explain. You have plenty of time to check out the Order before you make up your mind. The Holy Spirit will help you with that if you sincerely pray about it. God Bless, Memaw

Memaw you did serve God in your life anyway. I wish I had not listened to some people who I looked up to in my youth. My life may or may not be different now, but it underscored for me that when a young person comes to me for advice it is important enough for me to think and pray about it. That is a good lesson I learned.

 

[egretps]

I would say to you OP that maybe you should just go and see. You don’t have to commit right then.

I have a beautiful great aunt who went to the convent as a teenager. She became quite ill while she was there and the doctor advised the community that her health was too poor and she should be sent home. My grandmother went to retrieve her and the community really didn’t want to part with my great aunt, but sadly they said good bye.

My aunt eventually recovered, married, and had five children. She is a very faith-filled woman and an example to me in many ways.

I will tell you her marriage and her health has been no picnic either. We have challenges no matter our vocation, profession, or state in life.

And as
ShrodingersCat said

God has a plan for you. But ultimately he only cares that you get to heaven.

That is ultimately it.