Anyone NOT want to get married? Why?

[Trilor]

Marriage has never been an issue for me. I have no interest in it. As for sex, I find the very concept of sex physically repulsive, never mind the act. I understand several billion people disagree with me on that point. That is fine with me.

I am certainly the introvert’s introvert. But I think it is more than that. marriage simply does not appeal to me. It is not tha I hate women, in fact I have more female friends than male friends. I am not sure how to explain my utter lack of interest in marriage.

Saying that was anathema as a fundamentalist. Whenever I would say that, inevitably someone would say “:but what if God WANTS you to be married.” Somehow saying “then I would have an interest in marriage” was never a good answer fo them. I would just get condescending looks.

Sad.

 

[Faira21]

Great question!

It is refreshing to see others who think like me or somewhat like me

It confuses me when friends/strangers say to me, “so, have you met any romantic interests?” or “I hope you will find the right one for you.”

It is as though I am a train on a track, happily rolling along, and suddenly I am de-railed. As if someone throws a big stone on the track that says “hey, something is wrong with you! Why haven’t you met anyone yet? I hope you will!”

It is as though people think you cannot find happiness and contentment without a romantic partner. Like you are missing something.

I used to want to be married when I was younger. I was even engaged. I had a lot of “worldly” expectations about romance and marriage pumped into me. A wedding day seemed like a fantasy of such happiness and a husband seemed just grand to.

But as I have gotten older, I have realized this is our modern illusion of romance. Now if I say that to someone, they think I am bitter.Even my MOTHER thinks I must be hiding some secret “bitterness” to think this way. They cannot understand how someone could NOT want to be married unless they were somehow bitter and reeling from somethiing. The funny thing is, I do not feel bitter about it at all. I feel liberated.

Before, when I was younger, I spent so much time longing after something that could never make me truly happy. It could give me momentary happiness I am sure, but not true, deep happiness within. I was under an illusion, and I longed for that fantasy illusion of the spouse.

But now I am free of that longing, and it feels freeing because it is the truth that I can see and that set me free of those chains of desire.

I have seen so many marriages fall apart, stagnate, fade, wither, become stale…and I have realized that marriage is not a source of happiness. It is instead a path you choose when you want to learn to love by putting another person first in everything - a spouse - even when the bad times hit and you wish divorce was not a toxic choice.

Marriage is for “good and bad” - but so few remember that vow when the bad actually comes around.

Personally, I just do not want all the hassles that come with marriage. To me, it would be another distraction in my life leading me away from God.

Sometimes I wonder if people who married for practical reasons were smarter. Romance is beautiful but it tangles everything up and absorbs you and obsesses you and distracts you under a beautiful, shining illusion.

I guess I am with the apostle (was it Paul?) who said if you can handle it, it is better to remain single as you will have less troubles in the world and will have more time to think of God rather than having to divide yourself between God and a husband.

 

[Ryan_Love]

I know how ya feel. When people try to pressure you into getting into a relationship as if your doing something wrong because you choose not to such foolishness. I believe in god with all my heart and soul but lets be honest. Yeshu has more important things to do the to force you to get married the choice is and always was yours. I hate how society tries to pressure people into stuff. I on the other hand and glade to see that I am not alone on this issue. But one thing is for sure ,I will never make a vow to god about this because Yeshu said its better to say I will do it or I wont do it your word is good enough. Don’t swear by the heavens or by the earth, so I am sure he would not someone to swear by him swear by God. you can but you can never break these Vows. without punishment.

 

[karow]

For me it was never an issue of not wanting to get married. It was more a matter of timing. I dated a lot in college but knew I wasn’t going to get married until after I finished my graduate work; I’d seen too many women drop out of college after getting married, even though they’d sworn that wasn’t going to happen to them, to go down that road. And then after college I spent years living in places where either 1.) few eligible men were around; 2.) it would have been dangerous to be pregnant; or 3.) both.

Fast forward many, many moons. I moved to where I am now, I’d entered another phase of my career, bought a house, settled down. I was 39 with absolutely no thought of getting married. And then I met my husband. We got married the following year and the year after that we had our daughters. And if you would have told me when I was 38 that in five years I was going to be a wife and mother, I would have told you to check your medications.

Honestly, I did go through periods in my early 30s when I wondered if I shouldn’t be searching for a husband and having a family. It took me some time to realize that, as counterintuitive as this might seem, the more I looked for a mate, the less likely I was going to find one. So I learned to celebrate my single-hood, as it were, and got really comfortable with my station in life. And one thing I take great comfort in, and one thing I try to teach my girls, is the fact that I know from first-hand experience that it is possible to be a deliriously happy single woman.

 

[Angel_Bradford]

Do you want to remain single for the rest of your life? Why? Do you think your reasons are selfish?

I have never felt called to marriage. I don’t see how that can be selfish if the call is from God.

 

[cecilia97]

To me, it would be another distraction in my life leading me away from God.

AMEN and AMEN!!!

 

[Norseman82]

After reading this thread, I think we have found a prime reason why there are other threads about the difficulty of finding a good Catholic spouse.

 

[dusty_david]

After reading this thread, I think we have found a prime reason why there are other threads about the difficulty of finding a good Catholic spouse.

I don’t think people who don’t want to be married would good spouses.

I’m into my 50s and happy living with my lady friend. Naturally sterile here so no chance of kids with my lady friend also in her 50s. We get along fine. She had her kids who are now all married and making her a happy grandma. Think I’ve had a good life w/out a wife and kids. Also both of us nota catholic.

I wish the best to married couples and hope they remain together. Sorry to see so many don’t. Also happy to see so many of us older couples, married or not, hanging together.

 

[cecilia97]

After reading this thread, I think we have found a prime reason why there are other threads about the difficulty of finding a good Catholic spouse.

Marriage is a VOCATION. If one is not called to a vocation, he should not undertake it. Would you suggest that people who have discerned no vocation to marry just make themselves available for the convenience of people who have that vocation?

A strange type of spiritual prostitution if you ask me!

 

[Faira21]

Marriage is a VOCATION. If one is not called to a vocation, he should not undertake it. Would you suggest that people who have discerned no vocation to marry just make themselves available for the convenience of people who have that vocation?

A strange type of spiritual prostitution if you ask me!

Maybe the poster meant it as an off-hand compliment - like, "all the really devout Catholics want to be single! Sigh "

That sort of thing? Just a thought

 

[Faira21]

AMEN and AMEN!!!

Thanks!

 

[Norseman82]

Marriage is a VOCATION. If one is not called to a vocation, he should not undertake it. Would you suggest that people who have discerned no vocation to marry just make themselves available for the convenience of people who have that vocation?

A strange type of spiritual prostitution if you ask me!

Yes, it is a vocation, but not a vocation that only an elite few are called to. In fact, it is quite the opposite; CCC 1603 states that the vocation to marriage is written into our very nature and it comes from the hand of God. Therefore, one need not wait to be called for it; the only discernment is whether or not you have a vocation to “virginity for the sake of the kingdom”, which is clarified in the CCC as “priestly ministry and consecrated life”.

Would you suggest that people who have discerned no vocation to marry just make themselves available for the convenience of people who have that vocation?

Maybe they do have it but they have scales over their eyes because they have heard false teachings about how only a certain elite are ready for marriage and when God decides it is time He will drop a spouse of His choosing onto your doorstep.

Besides, don’t you see the bind that this puts people in who have discerned that they do not have a vocation to a celibate vocation but cannot find a spouse? How are they going to find spouses? What are they supposed to do? Go outside the Church? How many souls do we lose that way?

Additionally, have you not read that one of the side effects about China’s abortion policy is that it is resulting in an imbalance of males to females, and that there is concern that millions of males who can’t find wives will pose a greeat social problem? In fact, I’ve heard it said, “when men cannot find wives, wars begin”.

A strange type of spiritual prostitution if you ask me!

That type of remark I would expect from a feminazi women’s libber, not a proper Catholic lady.

Besides, since God created woman as a suitable partner/helpmate after He said “it is not good for the man to be alone”, are you going to accuse God of being a “spiritual pimp”?

 

[cecilia97]

Yes, it is a vocation, but not a vocation that only an elite few are called to. In fact, it is quite the opposite; CCC 1603 states that the vocation to marriage is written into our very nature and it comes from the hand of God. Therefore, one need not wait to be called for it; the only discernment is whether or not you have a vocation to “virginity for the sake of the kingdom”, which is clarified in the CCC as “priestly ministry and consecrated life”.

Maybe they do have it but they have scales over their eyes because they have heard false teachings about how only a certain elite are ready for marriage and when God decides it is time He will drop a spouse of His choosing onto your doorstep.

Besides, don’t you see the bind that this puts people in who have discerned that they do not have a vocation to a celibate vocation but cannot find a spouse? How are they going to find spouses? What are they supposed to do? Go outside the Church? How many souls do we lose that way?

Additionally, have you not read that one of the side effects about China’s abortion policy is that it is resulting in an imbalance of males to females, and that there is concern that millions of males who can’t find wives will pose a greeat social problem? In fact, I’ve heard it said, “when men cannot find wives, wars begin”.

That type of remark I would expect from a feminazi women’s libber, not a proper Catholic lady.

Besides, since God created woman as a suitable partner/helpmate after He said “it is not good for the man to be alone”, are you going to accuse God of being a “spiritual pimp”?

By the conclusion you reach by taking one paragraph of the CCC at face value without respect to the rest of the teachings, people with SSA should also marry against reason, as well as anyone who reaches 18 years without discerning a vocation to the priesthood or religious life.

Have you been in a marriage that was not blessed by God and in which one of the partners did not have respect for the other? I have. Until you can understand that kind of evil, please leave the judgments to God. It is not my job to help lonely Catholics get married. It is my job to follow the path put before me by my Father in heaven.

I refer you to Catherine of Siena…single laywoman and Saint.

 

[Norseman82]

By the conclusion you reach by taking one paragraph of the CCC at face value without respect to the rest of the teachings, people with SSA should also marry against reason, as well as anyone who reaches 18 years without discerning a vocation to the priesthood or religious life.

Have you been in a marriage that was not blessed by God and in which one of the partners did not have respect for the other? I have. Until you can understand that kind of evil, please leave the judgments to God. It is not my job to help lonely Catholics get married. It is my job to follow the path put before me by my Father in heaven.

I refer you to Catherine of Siena…single laywoman and Saint.

I am not referring to people who have impediments.

SSA people most likely have an impediment.

People who reach 18 most likely are not yet ready to support a family, as they need to get established in a job or finish their education.

So, the above two are not examples I am referring to.

As far as your situation, did you have any indication that this marriage would not be blessed by God or that your partner would not respect you? Are you saying that God led you down this path? I presume you are divorced. Have you received an annulment? If not, this also is an impediment.

 

[cecilia97]

I am not referring to people who have impediments.

SSA people most likely have an impediment.

People who reach 18 most likely are not yet ready to support a family, as they need to get established in a job or finish their education.

So, the above two are not examples I am referring to.

As far as your situation, did you have any indication that this marriage would not be blessed by God or that your partner would not respect you? Are you saying that God led you down this path? I presume you are divorced. Have you received an annulment? If not, this also is an impediment.

I’m not looking for an impediment, or your agreement. I’m telling you that the Church does not require people to marry against their will. If you think otherwise, that is very sad.

Here is the entire CCC paragraph you quoted above. It tells us that God is the author of the married state, that it is written in our nature, and that it benefits society. I agree with all these things. Nowhere, however, does it say that Catholics who are not called to other vocation MUST marry. You are making an argument that is not Church teaching.

What do you have to say about St. Catherine of Siena? St. Mary Magdalene?

1603 “The intimate community of life and love which constitutes the married state has been established by the Creator and endowed by him with its own proper laws. . . . God himself is the author of marriage.” The vocation to marriage is written in the very nature of man and woman as they came from the hand of the Creator. Marriage is not a purely human institution despite the many variations it may have undergone through the centuries in different cultures, social structures, and spiritual attitudes. These differences should not cause us to forget its common and permanent characteristics. Although the dignity of this institution is not transparent everywhere with the same clarity, some sense of the greatness of the matrimonial union exists in all cultures. “The well-being of the individual person and of both human and Christian society is closely bound up with the healthy state of conjugal and family life.”

 

[Norseman82]

I’m not looking for an impediment, or your agreement. I’m telling you that the Church does not require people to marry against their will. If you think otherwise, that is very sad.

Here is the entire CCC paragraph you quoted above. It tells us that God is the author of the married state, that it is written in our nature, and that it benefits society. I agree with all these things. Nowhere, however, does it say that Catholics who are not called to other vocation MUST marry. You are making an argument that is not Church teaching.

What do you have to say about St. Catherine of Siena? St. Mary Magdalene?

1603 “The intimate community of life and love which constitutes the married state has been established by the Creator and endowed by him with its own proper laws. . . . God himself is the author of marriage.” The vocation to marriage is written in the very nature of man and woman as they came from the hand of the Creator. Marriage is not a purely human institution despite the many variations it may have undergone through the centuries in different cultures, social structures, and spiritual attitudes. These differences should not cause us to forget its common and permanent characteristics. Although the dignity of this institution is not transparent everywhere with the same clarity, some sense of the greatness of the matrimonial union exists in all cultures. “The well-being of the individual person and of both human and Christian society is closely bound up with the healthy state of conjugal and family life.”

I am not saying to run off and marry someone that is not suitable or eligible to be married due to an impediment. What I am saying is that we are all called to marriage unless we find ourselves called to a celibate vocation. If one is single because they haven’t found the right person yet, that’s different; however, the whole notion of Catholics who are eligible and have no impediments taking themselves “off the market”, so to speak (with an exception for those discerning or in religious life), only makes it harder to find a good Catholic spouse.

 

[Katie966]

I am not saying to run off and marry someone that is not suitable or eligible to be married due to an impediment. What I am saying is that we are all called to marriage unless we find ourselves called to a celibate vocation. If one is single because they haven’t found the right person yet, that’s different; however, the whole notion of Catholics who are eligible and have no impediments taking themselves “off the market”, so to speak (with an exception for those discerning or in religious life), only makes it harder to find a good Catholic spouse.

Are most people called to marriage? Yeah, sure. But the people who have discerned that, for the time being, or even indefinitely, they should not be married…why would you even want to consider someone who had reasons that prevented them from being available for marriage?

Why would the church choose to canonize someone who never married and was not a priest or nun? There are many examples. Would you say that those people were wrong to take themselves “off the market”?

When it comes down to it, it’s none of anyone’s business when someone chooses to make him or herself unavailable to someone else. Just because someone cannot find a spouse doesn’t mean people should make themselves available to him or her. If you want to talk about the problems of people leaving the church or not being properly catechized, I’m with you there. But to say that other women who do not feel they should be married should make themselves “available” to people who are having trouble finding spouses?

 

[cecilia97]

I am not saying to run off and marry someone that is not suitable or eligible to be married due to an impediment. What I am saying is that we are all called to marriage unless we find ourselves called to a celibate vocation. If one is single because they haven’t found the right person yet, that’s different; however, the whole notion of Catholics who are eligible and have no impediments taking themselves “off the market”, so to speak (with an exception for those discerning or in religious life), only makes it harder to find a good Catholic spouse.

You still have not told us your thoughts on St. Catherine of Siena. What do you think of her remaining single her whole life, please? What of the “poor gentleman” she deprived of a wife because she was focused on her work for God?

The Church even allows for the conscience of the individual in matters of conversion. i.e…the Church never asks someone to come to the Truth of the faith against their own conscience. Why would She want someone to go against their own conscience in a matter that involves their own body and soul AND that of another person?

The vocation of marriage is to help one’s spouse reach heaven. I can say with confidence that, if I married against my will (not to mention having sexual relations AGAINST MY WILL…which is akin to prostitution) I would not help my spouse move one step closer to heaven. Additionally, I would have less time and energy for the work God has already called me to do, so my relationship with my heavenly Father would suffer doubly.

I am “off the market”, and all the good Catholic gentlemen can now breathe a sigh of relief.

This discussion assumes much about the private prayer life of an individual. How do you (or I, for that matter) know that God is not preparing me to enter the religious life 20 years from now? With all respect for those present, I wait on Him, not the dubious advice of people on internet forums.

 

[cecilia97]

why would you even want to consider someone who had reasons that prevented them from being available for marriage?

Amen, Katie. If marriage is just about finding a willing warm body, there is something seriously wrong.

If someone feels called to marriage, God will provide a spouse for them in due time. If the spouse doesn’t appear, maybe that person did not have a vocation to marriage. Or, maybe the would-be spouse has some personal work to do…how do we know all these people searching for spouses are going about it the right way? What are their social skills like? Why should single people get the blame for all these unmarried Catholics?

If there are that many Catholic people looking for spouses, it sounds to me like they’d get some benefit out of organizing a national convention and MARRYING EACH OTHER.

 

[Norseman82]

You still have not told us your thoughts on St. Catherine of Siena. What do you think of her remaining single her whole life, please? What of the “poor gentleman” she deprived of a wife because she was focused on her work for God?

The Church even allows for the conscience of the individual in matters of conversion. i.e…the Church never asks someone to come to the Truth of the faith against their own conscience. Why would She want someone to go against their own conscience in a matter that involves their own body and soul AND that of another person?

The vocation of marriage is to help one’s spouse reach heaven. I can say with confidence that, if I married against my will (not to mention having sexual relations AGAINST MY WILL…which is akin to prostitution) I would not help my spouse move one step closer to heaven. Additionally, I would have less time and energy for the work God has already called me to do, so my relationship with my heavenly Father would suffer doubly.

I am “off the market”, and all the good Catholic gentlemen can now breathe a sigh of relief.

This discussion assumes much about the private prayer life of an individual. How do you (or I, for that matter) know that God is not preparing me to enter the religious life 20 years from now? With all respect for those present, I wait on Him, not the dubious advice of people on internet forums.

I do not know about St. Catherine of Siena, nor does it concern me. Demographics may have been different back then. She may have been a rare exception. All I know is that today, in the rotten world that we live in, good Catholic spouses are harder to come by, and encouraging more people to take themselves off the market makes matters worse, not better.

And if you feel you may be called to religious life, I already covered that when I mentioned the exception for discerners.

But when I hear women saying that marriage would interfere with their sports leagues, well, there is something seriously disordered there.

(continued).