Aomething shocking about your spouse's beliefs?

[Miserissima]

How do you cope with finding out something shocking about your spouse’s beliefs or system of values?

For example, you learn that your spouse has been a closet racist all of his or her life, or anything else that doesn’t jive with what you’ve been led to believe about them (although you’ve had conversations about it before and it was hidden from you)?

What do you do when the person to whom you are married reveals (in action or in deed) that he or she has been covering up who they are for years?

How much blame do you take upon yourself that they couldn’t open up sooner?

And how do you accept who they are when you find out they’ve been hiding this from you?

I know, that’s a lot of questions. ::whew!::

 

[baylee]

Are you sure you had no indication? If you think back, were there any signs of this?

 

[noclevername]

Yeah, what baylee said. Are you sure you didn’t know. After looking back on my life after divorcing my husband, I see things that happened that should have been huge red flags for me that should have told me not to marry him but I was young and stupid and ignored them.

 

[Trishie]

I guess it’s hard when you realise suddenly. My husband has number of attitudes that are contrary to those I wish. He didn’t hide them when we married, they just hadn’t emerged yet. But my husband isn’t someone you can talk around. I learned long ago that all I did when I tried was to hurt myself on him, but I couldn’t change anything, however much I tried. I do try to modify things sometimes, quietly, because basically I’m empathetic and a peacemaker…but I can’t change him or his attitudes which can be very intolerant. It’s not racism just a very low tolerance for others, sometimes including me. I accept who he is because I can’t change him. I know his good qualities and am thankful for those.

If your husband hid the truth about his attitudes it was probably because he didn’t wish to displease you. But the mere fact that he hid the attitudes indicates that there may not be a lot of hope for changing them. Good luck anyway. Love, Trishie

 

[Miserissima]

Are you sure you had no indication? If you think back, were there any signs of this?

It’s humiliating, but here goes: Ok, I found out he’s racist. We’'re both different races. Our child will be biracial. It’s always been a sensitive topic for me, and my radar is always on because of this (yes, I’ve suffered prejudice from being married to him). I never heard such things from him before, not even in passing.

That’s how I’m sure.

I can see inolerance for others, as we all fall short of kindness at times. But to throw race in on top of it? That’s a little too far.

And no, there were no signs, for obvious reasons.

 

[yellowbicycle]

So, let me make sure I get this - you are of one race, and your spouse is of another race. And he is prejudiced against people of your race?
I can definitely see how that would catch you by surprise!
My word!
What did he say? And how does he explain why he’s married to you if he considers your race to be so horrid?
I’m in shock over here. I can only imagine how you must be feeling.

 

[Trishie]

Is he just afraid that your son will meet with racist problems? I’m sure he’ll be gorgeous. And he’ll be American. Your son may look semi-Asian, but I think that Asian children are beautiful. I don’t ‘get’ racism. Jesus was descended from the desert people, the tribe of Abraham. He wasn’t Caucasian. But he’s the most loved man in the world and through the ages. I can’t wait to see email pictures of your baby when he’s born.

 

[noclevername]

Yeah, what Yellowbicycle says. Why did he marry you. There must be something he loves about you and your race.

 

[Trishie]

Maybe he’s just scared as the great event approaches. Maybe he’s scared for his son? I think many of us are scared as we approach the birth of our first child. Excited, but scared.

 

[Miserissima]

Yeah, what baylee said.

We are a mixed-race couple and we’re going to have a biracial child. I have always been very sensitive to issues of race, because I have been through several instances of prejudice for being with my husband. Also, there have been a few folks in the past 6 years who don’t know that I’m married to someone who is other than my race, and they’ve made comments about mixed race marriages and other races they thought they could get away with. And if I even get an inking, I will ask what they mean nicely, but bluntly.

I have always known my husband’s father to be racist, and have confronted his father about it when he’s in the house. For exaple, we had a roommate at one time who was a different race from both my husband and me. When my father in law came over, he mentioned it in his native language, and I answered him in his native language, asking if it was a problem. Hoo boy, he was shocked.

So, I knew my husband was brought up that way, as was I. But we grew up and overcame that. Well, at least, I thought he did.

Now, out of the blue, I hear epithets and insinuations from my husband’s mouth. He’s not making fun of the absurdity of stereotypes, but it’s as Trishie mentioned, he is demonstrating an intolerance of people. But now, that intolerance includes race, weight, and other such factors, when they never did before.

And, since we’re a mixed-race couple, I don’t want that attitude being passed on to our biracial son.

Shoot, if you don’t like someone because they’re a braggart, say that’s the reason why. Don’t throw in things like race, sex, weight, nationality, ethnicity, stereotypes…or any of that.

So now that I’ve answerd your questions with uncomfortable detail, I will repeat mine:

What do you do when the person to whom you are married reveals (in action or in deed) that he or she has been covering up who they are for years?

How much blame do you take upon yourself that they couldn’t open up sooner?

And how do you accept who they are when you find out they’ve been hiding this from you?

Thanks!

 

[Miserissima]

Wow! So many posts while I was answering! Thank you all!

So, let me make sure I get this - you are of one race, and your spouse is of another race. And he is prejudiced against people of your race?
I can definitely see how that would catch you by surprise!

My race, and especially others. Man, this just bugs me to no living end.

You know, I dated a man once who actually hid his biracial kids from me, because he was afraid of my reaction. Anynoe who’s that ashamed of their family has no place in my life.

I think many of us are scared as we approach the birth of our first child. Excited, but scared. - Trishie

I agree. I think he’s acting out, and afraid how he’s going to deal with what our son might face, so he may be preparing himself? I know it’s conjecture, but don’t know how to approach him about this.

It’s still a shock.

 

[whatevergirl]

Wow! So many posts while I was answering! Thank you all!

My race, and especially others. Man, this just bugs me to no living end.

You know, I dated a man once who actually hid his biracial kids from me, because he was afraid of my reaction. Anynoe who’s that ashamed of their family has no place in my life.

I agree. I think he’s acting out, and afraid how he’s going to deal with what our son might face, so he may be preparing himself? I know it’s conjecture, but don’t know how to approach him about this.

It’s still a shock.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Definitely odd timing, right? I will keep you and him in my prayers. You have a beautiful baby coming, he needs to focus on that…talk to him about your feelings, maybe even get some counseling before the baby arrives. Praying for you! ((hugs))

 

[kage_ar]

Get some counseling, if he will not go - you go yourself. Racism is a horrible, cowardly thing. It needs to be removed from your home. God CAN heal your husband’s heart. Never stop praying for him.

 

[baylee]

I think counseling is too big of a jump here. I think you need to talk to him about this…express how disappointed you felt when you heard him say…xyz. I think this will get the ball rolling. If you can’t talk to him about it, then that’s a bigger problem than the racist remarks.

 

[noclevername]

I was in a mixed race marriage. But it took me reading all of the responses on this post to realize it. My ex-husband is Korean, I am caucasion. I have never thought about it in the slightest bit. BUt it’s funny how things can stimulate ones memory. And reading these posts stimulated mine.

When we were first married, we lived in a very very small country town. My husband was one of about five Asians in the entire town. I can remember going to certain restaurants and people would stare at us because they had never seen an Asian before. I know it bothered my husband but unfortunately I never could fully understand what he was going through.

Then one night, he came into the restaurant/bar where I was working. (I was in college at the time and waiting tables to make money). He had just been at an outdoor concert at a festival in our town and some redneck (yes he was a redneck) had called him Charlie Chan. That was the last straw for him and he almost beat the guy up. (yeah, he had a temper which is part of the reason we divorced) When he arrived at my restaurant he was very angry and I was actually scared of him. But the worst part is I didn’t know waht to say because I didn’t fully understand what he was going through. Then my friend who was Latin came and took him aside and talked to him for quite a long time. I knew she was Latin but it never occured to me that she could understand what my husband was going through. That girl was the best thing that could have happened. From then on, he would occasionally talk to her about issues like that he was going through. A few years later, we moved to a large city where I live now and he blends in here.

My point is that sometimes it’s hard to understand what your spouse is really going through. Since you are asian (as someone eluded to) do any of your asian friends have caucasian husbands that he can hang out with and talk to? And maybe you can find some asian friends who are married to caucasians that you can talk to. As I saw with my husband, it really helps to talk to someone who understands.

Also, I am so sorry you are going through this. Deep in my heart I want to think that your husband is not a racist, he is just a causasian who has never had to deal with this sort of thing before.

 

[baylee]

It’s humiliating, but here goes: Ok, I found out he’s racist. We’'re both different races. Our child will be biracial. It’s always been a sensitive topic for me, and my radar is always on because of this (yes, I’ve suffered prejudice from being married to him). I never heard such things from him before, not even in passing.

That’s how I’m sure.

I can see inolerance for others, as we all fall short of kindness at times. But to throw race in on top of it? That’s a little too far.

And no, there were no signs, for obvious reasons.

I apologize that my question made you feel this way. I figured you were talking about your own situation. I hope you didn’t feel obligated to share more than you wanted to…I usually provide an out when I ask such blunt, forward questions…lol.

 

[chevalier]

Miserissima, if he doesn’t consider you or your family or your future children inferior, most of the practical implications of his attitude are out.

Also, you say there have been no indications until now. So, are you sure it’s a well-though attitude he consciously chooses to follow or can it actually have been something stupid he said? Don’t be incensed and don’t jump on the ready solution - a person who is a Ku Klux Klan candidate doesn’t marry outside his race.

This said, I can imagine what you’re feeling because it must be difficult to think that someone you love may hold you in contempt. But don’t give in to imaginations. Try to concentrate on the facts. Give the man a fair chance and some benefit of doubt.

This said, I’m a 6’4’’ tall light-brown-haired guy with rather diagonal eyes. It was more visible when I was younger.

 

[ChristinaM]

My race, and especially others. Man, this just bugs me to no living end.

Gosh, how sad and awful. hugs I was wondering about that - if he was anti-Asian or just hateful towards blacks and Hispanics. I’ve known some people like that. They were against mixed-race marriages between black people and white people - but somehow they considered white & Asian to be an acceptable combination. Hatred really has no logic.

I’m actually biracial, too - my mother is Asian and my father is white. I had to deal with some taunting and teasing when I was growing up, especially since we lived in a community where there were very few Asians. If your son is ever so unfortunate as to have those experiences, he will need the loving support of both his parents to deal with it in a healthy way. I actually think counseling is not out of order here. I bet your husband’s attitudes have a lot to do with his father and how he was raised. That’s pretty deep seated stuff and I doubt he can change it in a day…

Praying for you!

 

[Miserissima]

My point is that sometimes it’s hard to understand what your spouse is really going through. Since you are asian (as someone eluded to) do any of your asian friends have caucasian husbands that he can hang out with and talk to? And maybe you can find some asian friends who are married to caucasians that you can talk to. As I saw with my husband, it really helps to talk to someone who understands.

Also, I am so sorry you are going through this. Deep in my heart I want to think that your husband is not a racist, he is just a causasian who has never had to deal with this sort of thing before.

The shoe is on the other foot: I’m caucasian, my husband is asian, our roommate was black.

I already mentioned this to my counselor who said that I can’t change anyone.

Sincere thanks to everyone who has replied!

 

[chevalier]

Oh, in that case maybe it’s possible it’s more about the fear of outsiders than about contempt?