Apology needed?

[Tiber2001]

I unknowingly offended a friend from church because I designed a registration form for a group we’re in without consulting her- a founding member (I did consult the board members, one of whom is my husband, and those who were at the prior meeting where it was decided that I’d make the form). She contacted my husband to explain that I was out of line for what I wrote, possibly not expecting that he’d speak to me about it. I emailed her, cc’ing my husband and the board members and attempting to explain my reasoning for the wording on the form that she didn’t like. She responded by writing about me (not to me) to the others. My husband, who like me is usually quick to apologize, told me that I didn’t do anything wrong and should not apologize. He says that she is jealous of me and being manipulative, and that this is a way for her to try to dominate me. Indeed, she has already talked negatively about me behind my back, according to a friend of mine, and she has done this to four other women from our church (for other reasons). I’m so busy with my family (lots of kids) and I don’t have time to socialize as much as she does with other parishioners in order to figure out and/or correct the damage to my character. I’m thinking it’s best to obey my husband and let this rest, since she doesn’t seem to want any interaction with me, but then I’ve always thought that I should apologize for every offense. Christ says to forgive seven times seventy- perhaps I’m getting this mixed up with apologizing?
As a side-- Does this happen at other churches? How do you recover when your good name is tarnished?

 

[Xantippe]

I unknowingly offended a friend from church because I designed a registration form for a group we’re in without consulting her- a founding member (I did consult the board members, one of whom is my husband, and those who were at the prior meeting where it was decided that I’d make the form). She contacted my husband to explain that I was out of line for what I wrote, possibly not expecting that he’d speak to me about it. I emailed her, cc’ing my husband and the board members and attempting to explain my reasoning for the wording on the form that she didn’t like. She responded by writing about me (not to me) to the others. My husband, who like me is usually quick to apologize, told me that I didn’t do anything wrong and should not apologize. He says that she is jealous of me and being manipulative, and that this is a way for her to try to dominate me. Indeed, she has already talked negatively about me behind my back, according to a friend of mine, and she has done this to four other women from our church (for other reasons). I’m so busy with my family (lots of kids) and I don’t have time to socialize as much as she does with other parishioners in order to figure out and/or correct the damage to my character. I’m thinking it’s best to obey my husband and let this rest, since she doesn’t seem to want any interaction with me, but then I’ve always thought that I should apologize for every offense. Christ says to forgive seven times seventy- perhaps I’m getting this mixed up with apologizing?
As a side-- Does this happen at other churches? How do you recover when your good name is tarnished?

Friend sounds kind of nuts. I think anybody that hears this story is going to sympathize with you. If anybody does bring this up, just say something neutral like, “It’s too bad she feels that way.”

But make sure you CC her in future, if she’s supposed to be in the loop.

 

[agnes_therese]

I unknowingly offended a friend from church because I designed a registration form for a group we’re in without consulting her- a founding member (I did consult the board members, one of whom is my husband, and those who were at the prior meeting where it was decided that I’d make the form). She contacted my husband to explain that I was out of line for what I wrote, possibly not expecting that he’d speak to me about it. I emailed her, cc’ing my husband and the board members and attempting to explain my reasoning for the wording on the form that she didn’t like. She responded by writing about me (not to me) to the others. My husband, who like me is usually quick to apologize, told me that I didn’t do anything wrong and should not apologize. He says that she is jealous of me and being manipulative, and that this is a way for her to try to dominate me. Indeed, she has already talked negatively about me behind my back, according to a friend of mine, and she has done this to four other women from our church (for other reasons). I’m so busy with my family (lots of kids) and I don’t have time to socialize as much as she does with other parishioners in order to figure out and/or correct the damage to my character. I’m thinking it’s best to obey my husband and let this rest, since she doesn’t seem to want any interaction with me, but then I’ve always thought that I should apologize for every offense. Christ says to forgive seven times seventy- perhaps I’m getting this mixed up with apologizing?
As a side-- Does this happen at other churches? How do you recover when your good name is tarnished?

First of all, I can’t imagine that she really thought she could criticize you to your husband, and not have it get back to you. That’s probably exactly what she intended.
She may be a “founding member,” but you say you consulted with the board members, so that seems to say she isn’t one;so why does she get a say in the form? Did anyone on the board say, “Hey, before we finalize this, run it past her?”

Sounds like your husband is exactly right. Ignore it.

 

[Beryllos]

I think your emailed explanation was close enough to an apology.

I agree with Xantippe’s advice and expectation that you have little to worry about. In all likelihood, she has already garnered a reputation for being a drama queen and/or control freak. If someone brings up the subject, respond with charity and brevity; the less said, the better.

One exception might be if the pastor or the director of parish ministries asks you privately for an honest opinion about her leadership style. Then you could state the facts — what happened, what you did, what she did, how you feel — but avoid analyzing or judging her. Your objective is to promote a healthy and thriving parish, and your purpose in speaking would be to inform the pastor or director so that he/she can effectively manage the situation.

Best of luck, and once again, do not worry! (Matthew 6:25-34)

 

[pianistclare]

Yes it happens in churches. Especially with older members. Their “ministry” in any given area become their little fiefdom…and they rant at anyone on their turf. We see this all the time. Leadership tend to ignore it because in acknowledging it, it just makes things worse in the long run. As everyone says,
Ignore it.
And say a prayer for those who need to feel they are in charge. People tend to be lonely at times. Try to show her a kindness at some point in the future. You’ll feel better.
God bless you.

 

[spedteacherita]

I unknowingly offended a friend from church because I designed a registration form for a group we’re in without consulting her- a founding member (I did consult the board members, one of whom is my husband, and those who were at the prior meeting where it was decided that I’d make the form). She contacted my husband to explain that I was out of line for what I wrote, possibly not expecting that he’d speak to me about it. I emailed her, cc’ing my husband and the board members and attempting to explain my reasoning for the wording on the form that she didn’t like. She responded by writing about me (not to me) to the others. My husband, who like me is usually quick to apologize, told me that I didn’t do anything wrong and should not apologize. He says that she is jealous of me and being manipulative, and that this is a way for her to try to dominate me. Indeed, she has already talked negatively about me behind my back, according to a friend of mine, and she has done this to four other women from our church (for other reasons). I’m so busy with my family (lots of kids) and I don’t have time to socialize as much as she does with other parishioners in order to figure out and/or correct the damage to my character. I’m thinking it’s best to obey my husband and let this rest, since she doesn’t seem to want any interaction with me, but then I’ve always thought that I should apologize for every offense. Christ says to forgive seven times seventy- perhaps I’m getting this mixed up with apologizing?
As a side-- Does this happen at other churches? How do you recover when your good name is tarnished?

When I moved back to my hometown I wanted to join and attend the church where I was baptized and confirmed in the faith. I visited one Sunday and was pleased to have a person in front of me (a retired teacher of the connected school) turn around and start a short conversation with me. I was excited that I would have a person to chat with on the way out of sanctuary.

During the service the organist missed one of the hymns. She has a different personality that ruffles people feathers and, I just found out, is dealing with early signs of Alzheimers. As soon as the service was over, the retired teacher got up and raced back four or five pews and started “dissing” the organist for her mistake.

While this doesn’t concern me personally, the point of me relating this story is that this type of stuff goes on in ALL churches. I find it so hard to believe that someone who has just spent time worshiping our Lord and celebrating communion could only have that issue on her mind.

It’s difficult to understand but I agree with the other posters that your email is sufficient and what I would do is to try to go about your church activities without it weighing you down. Keep it in prayer and perhaps down the line you will be able to speak with her about it when hard feelings aren’t complicating your conversation.

 

[Xantippe]

I think your emailed explanation was close enough to an apology.

I agree with Xantippe’s advice and expectation that you have little to worry about. In all likelihood, she has already garnered a reputation for being a drama queen and/or control freak. If someone brings up the subject, respond with charity and brevity; the less said, the better.

One exception might be if the pastor or the director of parish ministries asks you privately for an honest opinion about her leadership style. Then you could state the facts — what happened, what you did, what she did, how you feel — but avoid analyzing or judging her. Your objective is to promote a healthy and thriving parish, and your purpose in speaking would be to inform the pastor or director so that he/she can effectively manage the situation.

Best of luck, and once again, do not worry! (Matthew 6:25-34)

Yes. If anybody in authority asks you about her, just be very factual, without being judgy or saying more than you know for sure.

Just the facts are bad enough.

Good luck!

 

[Tiber2001]

Thank you all so very much for your advice! Just in this process of explaining the situation, asking for help, and reading your responses, I’ve been able to step outside of my little world and look at things from a more objective point of view. I especially appreciate the advice to not say anything unless asked, and then to be brief and stick to the facts, because she does involve herself in so many people’s lives, and I think people might assume that I’m in agreement with the way she does things, and so I’ve wondered if I should speak up- but I think you have good advice, and it would best to do what you said. Thankfully I’ve only spoken to my husband, one board member, and one very close friend about it. I did reach out to her twice (once with with a mass card for a mass I had said for a deceased family member of hers, and another time with the news of a new book from an author I know she likes), but she didn’t respond either time. I’ll just stick with prayer for a while!
Thank you again and have a blessed lent!