“Or perhaps he knows there is the life insurance policy and he figures that will cover it?” I think this explanation is very likely, but nonetheless I would prefer to avoid any possible estate entanglements later on with my wife’s sister by being paid back now. And the truth is that he can afford to do so. If he could not afford to do so, I would not even be bring up the issue at all.
Face to face is not possible as I live in CA and lives in MD. That said, I just sent a letter that articulated your sentiment that I can no longer afford to go without the money any longer.
He is in good health and his father lived into his 90’s. The best thing for all parties involved is for him to honor his commitment and pay me back the money he owes.
I do not lend money to family as rule as well, until I was faced with a situation where my FIL did not have immediate access to funds to pay for his wife’s funeral/burial. As such, I did the charitable and only thing that a person could do in the moment and paid for the final expenses with the understanding that I would be paid back when he inherited money from his wife. He is a devout Catholic with good character that I did not think in a million years would decide not to pay half of the money back going on two years after her death. During this sensitive moment at a funeral home no less, no person is going to bring up the notion of having my FIL sign a promissory note. The situation just does not lend itself to that formality, especially because my FIL has impeccable character and the shock of losing his wife of 37 years.
This question sounds a lot like “do you want to get along or do you want to be right” false dichotomy. My family just visited him on the East Coast in April. My relationship to my FIL should not suffer by the act of me bringing up a debt that is owed to me going on almost two years. As such, I have no qualms on bringing this up in a polite letter (that was sent last week). If he chooses to get offended or the relationship deteriorates by some metric, then so be it. I have no control on how another person reacts - FIL or not. I have done nothing wrong here, so the onus is really on him to fulfill his obligation that he knows he has and can afford to pay back.
If he ignores the letter, then I do not say anything further on the issue. However, it is important to me to bring this matter to his attention in a polite manner one time because I am disappointed that my charity has been abused by not being paid back in a timely manner on a substantial sum of money. To give the benefit of the doubt to my FIL, it is possible that he has forgotten that he owes the money, which is another reason why I felt compelled to send him a letter on the matter. And it does not help when I learned that he bought a new car when we visited him and my wife’s sister in April. Hopefully, paying me back was a matter that slipped his mind. Sending him a polite letter to him one time on the issue will have no impact on my marriage.
Again, having a bit of insight into the ethnic practices of the Philippines, I would wager that our OP’s wife is using this term instead of stating that she is mortified and embarrassed. That burying one’s parent is both a duty and a responsibility in the Filipino families I know.
Thank you for acknowledging that my FIL is clearly in the wrong. If he did not have the ability to pay me back, I would not even bring up the issue even though there was an understanding that he would pay me back. My close friends are supportive of me on this issue, but do raise caution in terms of how to bring the matter up. I wrote him a very positive letter on the matter while mentioning other non-financial issues in the letter. There is nothing that a normal person will find even remotely offensive in my letter, unless my FIL is just mad that he has to pay back the money while he is alive instead of some indeterminate time frame when he dies. And no, I would not go to small claims court over this matter. And yes, there is always the possibility that he complains to my wife’s sister but he is a very prideful and prudent person who refrains from gossip as part of his personality disposition.
Burying one’s parent is a duty and a responsibility, assuming both parents are dead. In this case, my MIL passed away and it is and was the responsibility of the surviving spouse (FIL in this case) to make the appropriate decisions to not only let her die in the hospital, but also make the funeral arrangements. It would be seen as “offensive” for my wife to tell my FIL how to make these decisions as a matter of fact even under the spirit of helping out. When my FIL dies, then his two daughters (one being my wife) will carry out the decisions on the final arrangements.
Why wouldn’t you have a conversation with him, in person or on the phone?
He lives in MD. We live in CA. I was not going to spend my trip in April on this matter when I was on vacation. In terms of talking on the phone, he trouble hearing and tone/content can easily be misconstrued. Furthermore, he is a former English teacher and communicates extensively via email. Lastly, writing a letter allowed me to better express myself in a more objective and cordial manner that if for some reason the conversation became defensive for whatever reason.
I hope he sends the money after receiving the letter as well. He is a very honest and decent man who I actually consider a “living saint.” This is why I am disappointed and shocked that he seems to rationalize after the fact that he will pay me back after he dies shortly after I loaned the money to him. I agreed to take him and MIL into our house for almost two years for free even though they were easily paying the rent in Vegas. I also took them both to medical appointments in addition loaning him money to cover my MIL final expenses. As such, I feel compelled to at least write him a letter to bring up this issue in a polite way even if it does not bear any fruit. And I think your assessment on my wife feeling uncomfortable is correct and she does not want to get in the middle of it either, which I completely understand. Thank you very much for the prayers.
I will not be taking it that far.
