Appropriate Friendships for Husbands and Wives

[taben]

The post about how the Men’s Group involved itself in a lot of drinking and then some inappropriate texting to a member’s wife (with the husbands encouragement) brought forth another issue I have been thinking of.

Do most friends for a husband and wife need to be friends of the couple vs. the individual?
Also, how do you handle a situation when you do not like, for faith based reasons, a friend you husband or wife has?

Many, many years ago my hubby had a friend from work who was not a Catholic or Christian of any faith. He was a good worker and they had a good working relationship. DH confided in me that the guy liked to go out for drinks a lot after work and outside of work his conversations sometimes were very inappropriate. Thankfully, this friendship ended with dh pulling back (not engaging in the after work drinks) and then work transfers.

Now, he has a buddy who left his wife and kids because he felt stifled and wanted freedom. We knew the couple, but the friend base was our husbands. I would prefer that hubby not golf with this man (that is their only occasional interaction). Mainly because I don’t like what he did to his wife! Am I unreasonable?

I must say generally my hubby has very few guy interactions or outings and the other few are very, very nice family men.

I am rambling, but when married and a person of faith do you try and limit friendships to only the same? And for men, if the Parish Men’s group is not very active, where else should men look for friendships? I DO think it is important that they be with other men of faith and my husband wants this, but it seems that the pickings are slim!

 

[hesso12]

The post about how the Men’s Group involved itself in a lot of drinking and then some inappropriate texting to a member’s wife (with the husbands encouragement) brought forth another issue I have been thinking of.

Do most friends for a husband and wife need to be friends of the couple vs. the individual?
Also, how do you handle a situation when you do not like, for faith based reasons, a friend you husband or wife has?

1."The second is this, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.’ There is no other commandment greater than these."Mark 12:31
2.Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.Matthew 18:21-22

Many, many years ago my hubby had a friend from work who was not a Catholic or Christian of any faith. He was a good worker and they had a good working relationship. DH confided in me that the guy liked to go out for drinks a lot after work and outside of work his conversations sometimes were very inappropriate. Thankfully, this friendship ended with dh pulling back (not engaging in the after work drinks) and then work transfers.

1.YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOUR AS YOURSELF,regardless of whether a person is catholic or not.
2.Although these close relationships are not recommended, it does not mean we turn our noses up and ignore unbelievers, either. Second Timothy 2:24-26 tells us that as servants of the Lord, we are to be kind to and not quarrel with anyone. We should gently teach those who oppose the truth, and be patient with difficult people. Matthew 5:16 tells us, “Let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly father.” We should serve unbelievers so that they may see God through us and turn to Him in praise. James 5:16 says that there is great power in the prayer of a righteous person, so bring your concerns for unbelievers before God, and He will listen.
3.tell Him that you don’t like this friendship he has.

Now, he has a buddy who left his wife and kids because he felt stifled and wanted freedom. We knew the couple, but the friend base was our husbands. I would prefer that hubby not golf with this man (that is their only occasional interaction). Mainly because I don’t like what he did to his wife! Am I unreasonable?

1.YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOUR AS YOURSELF,just because you don’t like this person because of what he did to his wife does not mean that you should hate him.

I must say generally my hubby has very few guy interactions or outings and the other few are very, very nice family men.

I am rambling, but when married and a person of faith do you try and limit friendships to only the same? And for men, if the Parish Men’s group is not very active, where else should men look for friendships? I DO think it is important that they be with other men of faith and my husband wants this, but it seems that the pickings are slim!

The book of Proverbs has a few wise verses on believers befriending non-believers: “The righteous should choose his friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray” (12:26). We should stay away from foolish people (13:20, 14:7), from people who lose their temper easily (22:24), and from the rebellious (24:21). All these things represent those who have not been saved. “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14). First Corinthians 15:33 tells us that bad company corrupts good character.

 

[KLM789]

I think the key to all this is, as was mentioned, we are to love our neighbors as ourselves. However, if any one of faith begins to step away from their faith because of a friendship, we should speak to that person and ask them if they realize what is happening. Our allegiance is to God first, not the friend first. Then its up to us to follow God’s rules and plans for us. Walking away from the friend if needed, but not necessarily. We gain something from every friendship if we include God in it.

 

[pensmama87]

Most of our friends are “our friends.” I think it has less to do with purposeful exclusion and more that my husband has more in common with other dads, and I have more in common with other moms. We still like our friends who are single, but the opportunities many of them like for socializing are not good for people who have to get up by 7am regardless of whether it’s a designated “workday,” or for people without a lot of disposable income.

I do make a point of being friendly with my husband’s single friends, but they are still more my husband’s friends than mine. And some of our couple friends are the friends we had when we were single, then adding their boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses.

But we both feel our primary social responsibility is to each other and our children, so if a friendship was interfering with that, we’d have to make some big changes (and this has happened a few times). I don’t mind at all if he goes out every once in a while, and we actually make room for each other to do that, but we OK it with each other (for both time and money reasons).

 

[Anglewannabe]

Many, many years ago my hubby had a friend from work who was not a Catholic or Christian of any faith. He was a good worker and they had a good working relationship. DH confided in me that the guy liked to go out for drinks a lot after work and outside of work his conversations sometimes were very inappropriate. Thankfully, this friendship ended with dh pulling back (not engaging in the after work drinks) and then work transfers.

Sounds like you have a great trustworthy husband.

Now, he has a buddy who left his wife and kids because he felt stifled and wanted freedom.

This is what he told people. No one really knows what happens in another ones marriage and no divorce person really spills the truth to others

I would prefer that hubby not golf with this man (that is their only occasional interaction). Mainly because I don’t like what he did to his wife! Am I unreasonable?

Extremely unreasonable. Your husband has already proven that he is trustworthy. And you can not judge what this man did to his wife and kids since you don’t really know. Not to mention, this man has not done anything to harm your marriage

 

[QuestLove]

The post about how the Men’s Group involved itself in a lot of drinking and then some inappropriate texting to a member’s wife (with the husbands encouragement) brought forth another issue I have been thinking of.

Do most friends for a husband and wife need to be friends of the couple vs. the individual?
Also, how do you handle a situation when you do not like, for faith based reasons, a friend you husband or wife has?

Many, many years ago my hubby had a friend from work who was not a Catholic or Christian of any faith. He was a good worker and they had a good working relationship. DH confided in me that the guy liked to go out for drinks a lot after work and outside of work his conversations sometimes were very inappropriate. Thankfully, this friendship ended with dh pulling back (not engaging in the after work drinks) and then work transfers.

Now, he has a buddy who left his wife and kids because he felt stifled and wanted freedom. We knew the couple, but the friend base was our husbands. I would prefer that hubby not golf with this man (that is their only occasional interaction). Mainly because I don’t like what he did to his wife! Am I unreasonable?

I must say generally my hubby has very few guy interactions or outings and the other few are very, very nice family men.

I am rambling, but when married and a person of faith do you try and limit friendships to only the same? And for men, if the Parish Men’s group is not very active, where else should men look for friendships? I DO think it is important that they be with other men of faith and my husband wants this, but it seems that the pickings are slim!

but when married and a person of faith do you try and limit friendships to only the same?

Not a good idea. This tends to breed resentment. Plus your husband sounds trustworthy.

 

[pianistclare]

Sounds like you have a great trustworthy husband.

This is what he told people. No one really knows what happens in another ones marriage and no divorce person really spills the truth to others

Extremely unreasonable. Your husband has already proven that he is trustworthy. And you can not judge what this man did to his wife and kids since you don’t really know. Not to mention, this man has not done anything to harm your marriage

Yup.
This is part of life. Handling relationships that start out good, and then sour.
So long as one behaves in a Christ-like manner, then all your relationships will follow suit.
One does not “find” friends. Relationships develop. If you husband meets someone with the same values…then voila! A friendship begins. If he finds that at some point, they make a wrong turn, he can try to BE a friend by influencing them positively, but is those helpful words are rejected…he has proven he can walk away.
Sounds like a good guy.

 

[friardchips]

The post about how the Men’s Group involved itself in a lot of drinking and then some inappropriate texting to a member’s wife (with the husbands encouragement) brought forth another issue I have been thinking of.

Do most friends for a husband and wife need to be friends of the couple vs. the individual?
Also, how do you handle a situation when you do not like, for faith based reasons, a friend you husband or wife has?

Many, many years ago my hubby had a friend from work who was not a Catholic or Christian of any faith. He was a good worker and they had a good working relationship. DH confided in me that the guy liked to go out for drinks a lot after work and outside of work his conversations sometimes were very inappropriate. Thankfully, this friendship ended with dh pulling back (not engaging in the after work drinks) and then work transfers.

Now, he has a buddy who left his wife and kids because he felt stifled and wanted freedom. We knew the couple, but the friend base was our husbands. I would prefer that hubby not golf with this man (that is their only occasional interaction). Mainly because I don’t like what he did to his wife! Am I unreasonable?

I must say generally my hubby has very few guy interactions or outings and the other few are very, very nice family men.

I am rambling, but when married and a person of faith do you try and limit friendships to only the same? And for men, if the Parish Men’s group is not very active, where else should men look for friendships? I DO think it is important that they be with other men of faith and my husband wants this, but it seems that the pickings are slim!

I disgree with the emphasis on some of these posts.

Yes, loving neighbour as oneself is important. But…

…this is all a fat load of no good if you don’t put your marriage first.

First, it probably is okay to have individual friends but not sole friends whom you hardly ever see because this can come between marriages. Your spouse should also be your best friend, and you, his.

You caring about your husband having relationships you feel comfortable with is important for your marriage. And your instinct may be on alert for a reason.

IMO, a solid Catholic married couple should be comfortable enough to have friends whom both feel they can spend time with together, altogether, with the occasional room for individual time with those friends, but ultimately if you don’t feel comfortable with certain aspects of a marriage then they need to be talked about and your husband needs to be able to listen and respond by compromising, with the possibility of even stopping something altogether for your marriage’s sake. Sometimes friends when having lots and lots of room given for individual time with their pals can be inappropriate, maybe sometimes needed if the spouse’s friend is going through something bad, but definitely not good if there is some discomfort between said-friend and the other half of the marriage, which can then cause conflict in that marriage.

Talk to your husband. Marriage comes first. You could always pray about it and then see if this can’t help you to resolve the issue in case the issue is within yourself. Nevertheless, if you are having to go on to a forum to ask, then this is already a stage you shouldn’t have felt you’d have to go to.

 

[Anglewannabe]

…this is all a fat load of no good if you don’t put your marriage first.

Please explain how the OP’s husband is not putting his marriage first.

Your spouse should also be your best friend, and you, his…

Again, please explain how the OP’s husband is not the OP’s best friend

You caring about your husband having relationships you feel comfortable with is important for your marriage. And your instinct may be on alert for a reason…

True but the OP had no problem with her husband’s friend until he got divorced. That is VERY judgmental. Most divorced men I know always say ‘I left her’ because they are too ashamed to admit they were dumped

IMO, a solid Catholic married couple should be comfortable enough to have friends whom both feel they can spend time with together, altogether, with the occasional room for individual time with those friends, …

IMO it is good for a marriage for the man to occasionally go golfing with another man without his wife. It is an innocent golf game

 

[friardchips]

Please explain how the OP’s husband is not putting his marriage first.

Again, please explain how the OP’s husband is not the OP’s best friend

True but the OP had no problem with her husband’s friend until he got divorced. That is VERY judgmental. Most divorced men I know always say ‘I left her’ because they are too ashamed to admit they were dumped

IMO it is good for a marriage for the man to occasionally go golfing with another man without his wife. It is an innocent golf game

I wasn’t raging torrents of bile at the OP’s husband. I was stating prerequisites for a solid Catholic relationship. This they have from reading.

To the OP: meeting people together is maybe a good idea. Some people find that relationships come naturally from being involved in Churches, or, when one side of a marriage has a friend who is married then the other side of the marriage can get to know the spouse from the other marriage. It is important to have friends that are solidly grounded in strong Catholic relationships, and sometimes, in an indirect way, this can serve to add solid foundation to your life. Cutting yourselves off from people is not good, but certainly not spending loads of personal time - you or your husband - with immoral folks is sensible. If you have concerns, I think you are right to think it over, to put your marriage first, and maybe it might be best if you were both to spend time with the man who has broken with his family, rather than just your husband on his own. And also, to limit the time, a little. With concern not judgement.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

For the most party, I’d say any friendship that doesn’t cause strife in the marriage or that doesn’t encourage one of the spouses to behave in unfavorable ways is fine. I think it’s better if it’s two couples, or if the friend is a friend to both the husband and wife, but if the person is just a friend to the one spouse and doesn’t cause any hardship in any way, there shouldn’t be an issue.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I wasn’t raging torrents of bile at the OP’s husband. I was stating prerequisites for a solid Catholic relationship. This they have from reading.

.

Oh, thanks for explaining

 

[friardchips]

Oh, thanks for explaining

I wasn’t as clear as I could’ve been. Thanks.

 

[Lorelei12]

My husband and I mostly have separate friends. Most of them don’t live nearby anyway, but when we do get together it’s usually not as a couple. I might go out for lunch with a friend, and he might go to a friend’s for a poker game or something. We don’t really have a lot of time for this anymore, but we do know each other’s friends.

Admittedly a few of his friends I used to not be particularly fond of (until they got married- now they seem to have settled down a bit). They were nice enough people, but just never really grew up and spent a lot of time drinking and acting like bachelors in their mid-30s. They way they talked and conducted themselves, in my opinion, wasn’t very becoming and was immature. Though I didn’t always love when my husband would spend time with them, I never made a big deal about it because I have known him for over a decade now and he can absolutely be trusted not to act like his friends, no matter how immature they get. One of the things that initially attracted me to him was just that- everyone around him could be drinking and acting like fools but he always remained the level headed, respectful man I knew. Generally I think who your friends are says a lot about who you are, but in his case it doesn’t really apply.

I personally wouldn’t try to dictate who my husband is friends with unless it was causing trouble for our marriage or our son. Occasional golfing with a man whose life choices were less than respectable wouldn’t really bother me- especially if I didn’t know the whole story and if I trusted my husband.

 

[Gliggle]

Hi,

As some others have said, I think its important not to judge others too harshly “But for the grace of God go I” and all that. This silly freedom wanting golfing man may not have had the same graces as your husband and you, and God has made it that way, because he loved us so much, as Christians he allows us to share in the task of bringing others to him ourselves. This is because of the love of God, not because he needs us to.

I do of course think if your husband was starting to feel himself influenced the other way, it would be wise to limit or end the friendship, but I think only he can be in a position to make that judgement in the early stages of the friendship himself. And to be afraid of such an occurrence when he has no history of such issues is probably an unholy fear.

Also as others have said, this other person may even be good for your husband too in his own way. I have a close friend who I met through work who constantly horrifies me with the wicked things she says and does. But she gives me so much support intellectually, and laughter, and just, that warmth of friendship which is so precious. I have no idea actually if I do her any good at all, but I feel as though she does me good.

Also often I pray for her extremely fervently, because I am reminded to do so by my love and concern for her every time I see her. If I had run scared when I first met her, I would not be praying for her so much, I would probably have forgotten about her, and there may be no one else in the world who prays for her specifically.