S
Shaolen
Guest
So I asked about what ritual in particular he saw as a road block and to give a little background and here’s what he responded with. Its quite lengthy and I’m not sure how to respond.
“Hey Len, my names Chris, I’m 40, married with 4 kids and in Scotland.
My mum was from a catholic background and my dad church of Scotland.
All my mum did was go to mass infrequently and she had a little statue of Mary.
We didn’t speak about God often, so I grew up not knowing anything besides the usual Sunday school generic stuff.
My mum was interested in the “spirit world” and that intrigued me so from an early age I consumed books about the occult. We saw “ghosts” a few times and that got me hooked on the supernatural.
From the age of three I started feeling afraid of people, at five I developed what I now know as obsessive compulsive disorder. I became very neurotic and always afraid of people so year by year id become more withdrawn and spend loads more time reading occult books than socialising.
Fast forward to my teenage years where I ended up on anti-depressants at 14 (which never removed the anxiety I felt) I discovered alcohol which helped n needless to say it became another problem.
At 17 I met my wife Caroline, she loved me besides all my problems and as I look back stopped me killing myself many times.
I’d gotten kicked out the house at 16 as my dad was very strict and wouldn’t accept i was ill, thinking I was workshy.
I held down part time jobs and attended college till I was 18 but my nerves were shot through, I couldn’t hold a conversation with people without my face going red or mixing my words up.
At the age of 21 I ended up on a psych ward for 2 weeks as I smashed my flat up whilst drunk. Was scary as my problem was my anxiety and to be thrown in with schizophrenics and psychopaths was a nightmare. So for the next 9 years I studied the occult more, cast spells and performed rituals all in the hope of getting better.
The turning point was at age 30, I’d been cheating on my wife and she found out and was devastated. I felt like the worst guy in the world and badly wanted to die.
I got on my knees and prayed and things started to pick up, my psychiatrist put me on a medication that helped (at the time) which I seen as the Lord intervening.
So I start attending a Pentecostal church with my wife and kids. It was great and I learned more about the Lord and his word but gradually the medications effectiveness wore off and my nerves got much worse.
My church sent me to ellel which is a healing retreat where I received ministry but no real help although the Lord showed me the anger I held in my heart towards my dad which I got rid of with his help.
For a few years I muddled through church where strangely enough was a place that drained me of the holy spirit. I could be feeling close to the lord all week and then at church and our house groups I’d dry up.
Also we were being fed mixed messages, one week it’d be about Gods love and grace and next it’d be warning us that we might not be saved. There was pressure to attend church events up to 3 or 4 times a week and if you didn’t make it the impression was given you weren’t truely commited to church or to God.
I started to feel worse and one day couldn’t face church and left after 7 years.
I felt guilty about taking my wife and kids out but insisted they could stay if they’d wanted but they wanted to leave too.
After a time I looked for another church, we found one that welcomed us but as I realised the doctrine being holiness and sanctification I left that too.
So for the last 2 years iv been out of church and developing my relationship with Jesus and its OK, I don’t feel condemned, in fact after a long battle I’m even starting to believe he won’t throw me into hell and maybe likes me lol
Iv found iv had to ditch the churchianity to find the things of God, iv had to relearn the salvation process, discovered that having the holy spirit is BETTER than being with Jesus as he told us it’d be more expedient if the HS comes, holy spirit being the power of God on earth and our encourager.
I see how the church generally stifles a personal daily 1 to 1 relationship with Jesus where it seems as scripture tells us 'the traditions of man make the word of God null and void” and just as I feel the catholic church is guilty I also see other churches equally guilty in not rightly dividing the word of God and of confusing the old and the new testament.
But just as much as I see false teaching in the church I see even more the sin in my heart but the apostle Paul tells us to have no more consciousness of sin so I’m learning to tackle it with correct motives being love of God rather than fear of God as I don’t believe we can lose our salvation (massive revelation for me
) and although I still suffer mentally with ocd and fear and social skills of a chimp lol I’m learning to stretch my faith for my healing.
For 5 long years I considered deliverance from demons was what I needed and listened to THOUSANDS of hours of teachings, spiritual warfare mp3s, deliverance radio, I even flew down to London twice to attend a deliverance workshop hosted by Jay Bartlett (a catholic believer I discovered)
and I got to a stage where nothing was changing and I was seeing demons everywhere instead of the light of the Lord I walked away from the daily binding and loosing rituals and what ended up a bondage.
“Hey Len, my names Chris, I’m 40, married with 4 kids and in Scotland.
My mum was from a catholic background and my dad church of Scotland.
All my mum did was go to mass infrequently and she had a little statue of Mary.
We didn’t speak about God often, so I grew up not knowing anything besides the usual Sunday school generic stuff.
My mum was interested in the “spirit world” and that intrigued me so from an early age I consumed books about the occult. We saw “ghosts” a few times and that got me hooked on the supernatural.
From the age of three I started feeling afraid of people, at five I developed what I now know as obsessive compulsive disorder. I became very neurotic and always afraid of people so year by year id become more withdrawn and spend loads more time reading occult books than socialising.
Fast forward to my teenage years where I ended up on anti-depressants at 14 (which never removed the anxiety I felt) I discovered alcohol which helped n needless to say it became another problem.
At 17 I met my wife Caroline, she loved me besides all my problems and as I look back stopped me killing myself many times.
I’d gotten kicked out the house at 16 as my dad was very strict and wouldn’t accept i was ill, thinking I was workshy.
I held down part time jobs and attended college till I was 18 but my nerves were shot through, I couldn’t hold a conversation with people without my face going red or mixing my words up.
At the age of 21 I ended up on a psych ward for 2 weeks as I smashed my flat up whilst drunk. Was scary as my problem was my anxiety and to be thrown in with schizophrenics and psychopaths was a nightmare. So for the next 9 years I studied the occult more, cast spells and performed rituals all in the hope of getting better.
The turning point was at age 30, I’d been cheating on my wife and she found out and was devastated. I felt like the worst guy in the world and badly wanted to die.
I got on my knees and prayed and things started to pick up, my psychiatrist put me on a medication that helped (at the time) which I seen as the Lord intervening.
So I start attending a Pentecostal church with my wife and kids. It was great and I learned more about the Lord and his word but gradually the medications effectiveness wore off and my nerves got much worse.
My church sent me to ellel which is a healing retreat where I received ministry but no real help although the Lord showed me the anger I held in my heart towards my dad which I got rid of with his help.
For a few years I muddled through church where strangely enough was a place that drained me of the holy spirit. I could be feeling close to the lord all week and then at church and our house groups I’d dry up.
Also we were being fed mixed messages, one week it’d be about Gods love and grace and next it’d be warning us that we might not be saved. There was pressure to attend church events up to 3 or 4 times a week and if you didn’t make it the impression was given you weren’t truely commited to church or to God.
I started to feel worse and one day couldn’t face church and left after 7 years.
I felt guilty about taking my wife and kids out but insisted they could stay if they’d wanted but they wanted to leave too.
After a time I looked for another church, we found one that welcomed us but as I realised the doctrine being holiness and sanctification I left that too.
So for the last 2 years iv been out of church and developing my relationship with Jesus and its OK, I don’t feel condemned, in fact after a long battle I’m even starting to believe he won’t throw me into hell and maybe likes me lol
Iv found iv had to ditch the churchianity to find the things of God, iv had to relearn the salvation process, discovered that having the holy spirit is BETTER than being with Jesus as he told us it’d be more expedient if the HS comes, holy spirit being the power of God on earth and our encourager.
I see how the church generally stifles a personal daily 1 to 1 relationship with Jesus where it seems as scripture tells us 'the traditions of man make the word of God null and void” and just as I feel the catholic church is guilty I also see other churches equally guilty in not rightly dividing the word of God and of confusing the old and the new testament.
But just as much as I see false teaching in the church I see even more the sin in my heart but the apostle Paul tells us to have no more consciousness of sin so I’m learning to tackle it with correct motives being love of God rather than fear of God as I don’t believe we can lose our salvation (massive revelation for me
) and although I still suffer mentally with ocd and fear and social skills of a chimp lol I’m learning to stretch my faith for my healing.For 5 long years I considered deliverance from demons was what I needed and listened to THOUSANDS of hours of teachings, spiritual warfare mp3s, deliverance radio, I even flew down to London twice to attend a deliverance workshop hosted by Jay Bartlett (a catholic believer I discovered)
and I got to a stage where nothing was changing and I was seeing demons everywhere instead of the light of the Lord I walked away from the daily binding and loosing rituals and what ended up a bondage.
