Are girls ever nice to guys for no reason?

[gradstud35]

Absolutely. But it’s not for “no reason.” I feel as a Christian, I’m called to love my neighbor. That means being kind and cheerful to everyone. However, I have found that ALOT of men I know takes that to mean that I am interested in them.

For example, I find it rude and disrespectful to not listen to people when they are talking. So I usually listen intently to what most people have to say. That often gets misinterpreted by people that I am interested in them in a way that I am not.

 

[ack]

Haha, after reading over the posts on this thread, I can’t help but think…with all the confusion out there, it’s a miracle that anyone gets married at all!

This is very true. There are many women like that and I also (being a woman myself) find them very…annoying (that’s the nice way of saying it ). Personally, if you held a door for me or pulled out a chair, I’d think you were a gentleman; nothing more.

I think the difference is…some women think every man would want her if given the opportunity(narcissist). Me, I don’t generalize and think every man is looking for an ‘opportunity’ with me. Plus, I just genuinely like men and find them easy to get along with and fun to talk to so, that’s why I’m ‘nice’. Actually, if I were interested in someone, I probably wouldn’t talk to him all that much:blush:

 

[chevalier]

This is very true. There are many women like that and I also (being a woman myself) find them very…annoying (that’s the nice way of saying it ). Personally, if you held a door for me or pulled out a chair, I’d think you were a gentleman; nothing more.

Thank you, that’s quite reassuring. I think I’ve scared away at least one girl by being nice to a lady friend and I’m not talking about less important cases.

I think the difference is…some women think every man would want her if given the opportunity(narcissist).

Yeah. And if not forever, or an extended period of time, then at least here and now. I don’t like that kind of thinking. Just because I’m male doesn’t mean I want any girl at any place at any time. This is however also reflected even in the very traditional “reward” scheme, cf. kissing a guy for taking a risk or performing a feat, as if the best reward can be “favours”. An offshot of that is probably the gradation of niceness along the lines of attractiveness or a similar factor. But please don’t take this as a mysoginist’s rant.

Me, I don’t generalize and think every man is looking for an ‘opportunity’ with me. Plus, I just genuinely like men and find them easy to get along with and fun to talk to so, that’s why I’m ‘nice’.

I think I have or have had more female friends than male, but that’s because girls have appeared if not more intelligent, then at least more conversant and more agreeable, without testosterone and petty rivalisations getting in the way. Above all, girls were generally more cultured than boys when I was younger.

Actually, if I were interested in someone, I probably wouldn’t talk to him all that much:blush:

It’ll be a nice moment to see when you find you prince charming.

 

[catechumen08]

Misinterpreting kindness or courtesy as interest is not a male speciality. Women sometimes seem to have a knack for taking courtesy as an act of courting and will think things just because you pull the chair or help with the coat. It sometimes annoys me when they start acting all hard to get and I wasn’t remotely thinking about that kind of thing. I suppose it stems from narcissism or lack of experience. I can excuse the latter since people honestly get little opportunity these days to practice manners and girls don’t get enough samples to learn how to react to a guy actually being a gentleman. But narcissism I don’t take well.

Yes, miscommunication happens both ways. That’s why I appreciate it when girls are direct with me when I make my interest clear to them. I try to be a gentleman at all times; guess it’s just the way I’m raised, and I can’t help it. Kindness is fast becoming a rare commodity these days.

As for girls being nice to guys, my experience is that they are often cold and matter-of-fact direct because they don’t want to be confusing. In order to avoid sending mixed signals, they prefer to be too harsh rather than too blurry.

Agreed. As a guy, I prefer this approach by girls.

The other side of the coin is that girls are generally more comfortable around friends. If they like you, they will relax, they will be less cautious and careful with terms of endearment and other such addresses, they will hug or cuddle and they will even care less to cover up. Frankly, whether with men or with women, such things often depend on the looks of the friend or overall attractiveness. Besides, friendship seems to be different between genders than within one gender. For example, guys will not normally hold hands in any circumstances, while a female friend comforting a male friend, will. Or the other way round. Cheek kisses happen between genders or between girls, but not between guys. Could come up with more examples but anyway.

Very true. It’s hard to be friends with single girls, though, in my opinion, because one person always seems to develop feelings for the other one. Even when the feelings are mutual, you’re no longer strictly friends. In fact, for girls that I like, I never let it fall into the “friends” category by making my intentions clear from the get-go. If they still want to be friends with me, that means they’re open to the idea of being something more down the road at least.

Besides, women are more situational than men are. Guys are more into thinking in absolute terms and women tend to respond to situations… although there is no strict rule here. Sometimes they don’t like you instinctly and then they go to great lenghts giving you the hint.

I wholeheartedly agree in absolute terms.

As for being nice exclusively when it pays, that’s a modern thing and not limited to any one gender. Same for being nice only when in a particularly good mood. Both genders do that. Personally, I hate when people flirt to get something and even that is done these days.

Agreed. In that case, you’re not really being nice in the sense of that word; that person is being manipulative in this case.

Yeah, they can be. Is this a specific situation, or just a general question? As another poster said, some guys can’t tell the difference between a girl who is being nice and coming on to him, and that can actually differ from girl to girl. So without knowing more about the situation, it’s hard to say. Some girls are more flirtatious, and others are more kind hearted. It might help to watch the way she interacts with other guys in her life, if she flirts or is kind to everyone.

It’s just a general question, based on past experiences, with no specific person in mind. The barometer that I use is that if she acts differently with me than she does with everyone else, she either likes me or hates my guts.

Well actually in my life right now I prefer to ignore such impulses, and do not want to put out any hints that might mislead someone. Because right now I am in a place of inner healing after a failed marriage.

Thank you for doing that Eliza10. When I’m not ready for a relationship, I let the other person my situation; likewise, I also really appreciate it when the other person lets me know beforehand.

 

[catechumen08]

Okay, apparently, there’s a limit of 5000 characters per post, so I had to break my post in half. Here’s the second half.

But, speaking of myself in a different time, if I were attracted to a man, I would withdraw that into myself partly because, for one, its too easy to see what I am thinking/feeling and I want to keep those feelings to myself - for many reasons. Like, maybe that person is not what he seems, and observing him without engaging will give me time to learn more of who he is. Maybe he is unavailable, and I don’t want to be sending out hints, so, I keep to myself and later an answer to that will be revealed. If those things are cleared, and also time and patience did not make these feelings go away (they weren’t just fleeting), then I might get closer to his proximity, where he has a chance to notice me, or engage in conversation if he wants, and then I would notice how eager he seems to be to engage with me.

I think it’s a good way to go; however, some may find it more on the reactive side, and not proactive enough. It’s a good way to protect yourself from getting hurt, though.

I don’t know if that helps - I was trying to help. It was actually hard for me to write, because I had to work at remembering how I am. Its been so long.

Yup, you definitely helped, Eliza10! Thanks for the comments!

Oh, I wasn’t thinking of you at all. I was thinking that you wrote your query because you had been subject to girls who are nice to you only because they want to get something from you. But maybe that wasn’t your motivation for asking.

Actually, the opposite is true. Most of the girls who are nice to me turned out to be interested in me. It’s something I’m very grateful for.

By the way, you attributed this quote to me, Eliza10:

Oops, sorry about that! Guess I need to work on my copy-and-pasting skills!

Absolutely. But it’s not for “no reason.” I feel as a Christian, I’m called to love my neighbor. That means being kind and cheerful to everyone. However, I have found that ALOT of men I know takes that to mean that I am interested in them.

Very true, bro!

For example, I find it rude and disrespectful to not listen to people when they are talking. So I usually listen intently to what most people have to say. That often gets misinterpreted by people that I am interested in them in a way that I am not.

Well, girls like guys who are good listeners. I’d like to think that I’m a good listener, but that doesn’t necessarily send the wrong message, although sometimes it does.

 

[RobNY]

As for girls being nice to guys, my experience is that they are often cold and matter-of-fact direct because they don’t want to be confusing. In order to avoid sending mixed signals, they prefer to be too harsh rather than too blurry.

Haha, this is so true. In fact, my girlfriend tried the, “better harsh than blurry” treatment on me, when she mistakenly thought I was interested in her. Obviously, it didn’t work. Somehow, things didn’t work out as either of us planned.

-Rob

 

[Eliza10]

I think it’s a good way to go; however, some may find it more on the reactive side, and not proactive enough. It’s a good way to protect yourself from getting hurt, though…

Its responding, not reacting. Letting the man take the lead. Its not being self-protective, either. Its being “not misleading”. It seems my face registers my thoughts unless I am careful, and if I wear them in this instance, it can appear to be an invitation, and I don’t want to mislead. If I am inviting to someone who turns out to be someone who I would not want to be with, now I have to reject him, and thats not so nice to him. Or if its someone unavailable, I am going to trespass, or put the guy in an awkward position. So I keep it to myself, until I am more sure of things.

And letting him make the first move, however subtle, and responding to that, is more natrual and prevents awkward situations. I think its very awkward for a guy when a woman shows interest and he doesn’t return the interest. Its also embarassing to the guy if a woman acts as if she is interested and then when he goes to the trouble to approach her or extend an invitation, she turns him down. So thats why I am cautious about sending signals I don’t mean to send.

 

[catechumen08]

Its responding, not reacting. Letting the man take the lead. Its not being self-protective, either. Its being “not misleading”. It seems my face registers my thoughts unless I am careful, and if I wear them in this instance, it can appear to be an invitation, and I don’t want to mislead. If I am inviting to someone who turns out to be someone who I would not want to be with, now I have to reject him, and thats not so nice to him. Or if its someone unavailable, I am going to trespass, or put the guy in an awkward position. So I keep it to myself, until I am more sure of things.

Letting the man take the lead, eh? I’m pretty sure I’ve heard that one before somewhere. I’m the kind of person who smiles a lot and always maintains eye contact, so I guess that could send out the wrong message, but you know, that’s just who I am.

And letting him make the first move, however subtle, and responding to that, is more natrual and prevents awkward situations. I think its very awkward for a guy when a woman shows interest and he doesn’t return the interest. Its also embarassing to the guy if a woman acts as if she is interested and then when he goes to the trouble to approach her or extend an invitation, she turns him down. So thats why I am cautious about sending signals I don’t mean to send.

I agree. I guess sometimes maintaining the status quo makes sense. Every so often, though, I get a girl who does make the first move, and I often get intimated in that case. Interestingly enough, it’s more often older women, as in 1 or 2 years older me, who tend to do that.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Okay, people! This is what you do! You get your best friend to ask her best friend if she likes you! (It’s best if you do this in a note passed during Algebra class…)



I think we all need to evolve here.

A nice person will be nice to you, probably not knowing or caring that a lot of guys will take that to mean “Dude, she really wants me!”

A mean girl will sometimes only be nice to a guy she wants. Or someone from whom she wants something.

In other words, you can’t tell by looking. You actually have to develop a relationship with a person to see if they are genuinely nice, or a manipulative fraud.

And during the evolution (there’s that word again!) of the friendship, you either become more than friends, or stay just friends. I for one believe that males and females can be wonderful platonic friends. And often those friendships last longer than anything that became romantic and then spluttered to an ignominious end.

The woman usually sets the tune. If you start talking to a female friend and dropping hints like “Would you like to go to a romantic candlelit dinner with me?” and she says, “Wonderful! Can my boyfriend come too?” then you have a clue she is not interested. If she looks at you kindly and mumbles something about she’s kind of involved with someone or she’s in the beginning of a relationship, just figure it’s her way of saying she wants to be your friend, but that’s it. Then you can decide whether you’re only being nice to her because you like her, or because you’re just a nice person too.

 

[Chyna]

Quote:
Misinterpreting kindness or courtesy as interest is not a male speciality. Women sometimes seem to have a knack for taking courtesy as an act of courting and will think things just because you pull the chair or help with the coat. It sometimes annoys me when they start acting all hard to get and I wasn’t remotely thinking about that kind of thing. I suppose it stems from narcissism or lack of experience. I can excuse the latter since people honestly get little opportunity these days to practice manners and girls don’t get enough samples to learn how to react to a guy actually being a gentleman. But narcissism I don’t take well.

This is very true, i come from a Southern father, i have not seen “gentleman” behavior out there. Only in my house, father to mother. i have dated some, and seems to me that if one does not (excuse my language) put out, then you are not seen again.
My last date a month ago took me to a bar, of course i was not comfortable and was tense. He wanted to take me to his house, (to get to know me) i said no. He later told my friend that i was too up tight and thinks i am a “Bible thumper”. Not once did he open the door or act as a gentleman, he was more interested in himself and used bad behavior. Needless to say, i have not seen him again.

Chyna

 

[ack]

Same with me, except in my case, the “girls” are all 7-10 years older than me and divorced…it’s pretty creepy actually…

(Maybe you’re just really young, but I’d hardly consider a woman who’s 1-2 years older as an “older woman”…)

Every so often, though, I get a girl who does make the first move, and I often get intimated in that case. Interestingly enough, it’s more often older women, as in 1 or 2 years older me, who tend to do that.

 

[chevalier]

I try to be a gentleman at all times; guess it’s just the way I’m raised,

Yup, and today’s world generally sees kindness and unkindness on par as alternative “styles”, I guess.

Kindness is fast becoming a rare commodity these days.

Indeed. Indeed.

Agreed. As a guy, I prefer this approach by girls.

Well… I’d rather they were direct, but without unnecessary unkindness. Sometimes it comes off rude.

Very true. It’s hard to be friends with single girls, though, in my opinion, because one person always seems to develop feelings for the other one. Even when the feelings are mutual, you’re no longer strictly friends. In fact, for girls that I like, I never let it fall into the “friends” category by making my intentions clear from the get-go. If they still want to be friends with me, that means they’re open to the idea of being something more down the road at least.

For me, it’s different in a way. Friends may but don’t have to be potential love interests and the possibility of a feeling appearing where there is none is such an obvious matter of life that doesn’t need confirming - and where there is some attraction, I don’t hide it, although it doesn’t mean a relationship starting. For me, romantic relationships are strictly exclusive, so just some attraction doesn’t make a relationship yet, even if it’s actually fully admitted and mutual. Obviously, this doesn’t mean friends-with-benefits arrangements are okay, either.

I wholeheartedly agree in absolute terms.

I cannot disagree with that.

Agreed. In that case, you’re not really being nice in the sense of that word; that person is being manipulative in this case.

I don’t know if I’m being objective here: as a rule, I hate when people use their bodies or charms to get ahead under the false pretence of some attraction or by implying a false hope.

The barometer that I use is that if she acts differently with me than she does with everyone else, she either likes me or hates my guts.

Girs as a rule act differently with me than with other guys. I don’t know why, but this is a fact. This entails rudeness as well on occasions.

 

[chevalier]

Haha, this is so true. In fact, my girlfriend tried the, “better harsh than blurry” treatment on me, when she mistakenly thought I was interested in her. Obviously, it didn’t work. Somehow, things didn’t work out as either of us planned.

-Rob

Yup. Sometimes they’re exceptionally nice and even somewhat romantic when it’s friends. But once you actually speak out a real interest, then boooom. Well, admittedly, it must feel awkward to hug a person who will feel different about it from what we do. In fact it does. I do know. Well, all in all better harshness than confusion, although rudeness always hurts me.

 

[catechumen08]

Misinterpreting kindness or courtesy as interest is not a male speciality. Women sometimes seem to have a knack for taking courtesy as an act of courting and will think things just because you pull the chair or help with the coat.

Haha, really? I thought the guys had a monopoly on that!

It sometimes annoys me when they start acting all hard to get and I wasn’t remotely thinking about that kind of thing. I suppose it stems from narcissism or lack of experience. I can excuse the latter since people honestly get little opportunity these days to practice manners and girls don’t get enough samples to learn how to react to a guy actually being a gentleman. But narcissism I don’t take well.

I agree. This could also be due to miscommunication. I have to admit that I’m sometimes guilty of this, too, not so much out of narcissism or lack of experience, but just not sure quite how to react when that happens, kind of caught by surprise, you know?

This is very true, i come from a Southern father, i have not seen “gentleman” behavior out there. Only in my house, father to mother. i have dated some, and seems to me that if one does not (excuse my language) put out, then you are not seen again.

I think it’s only normal for girls to expect a gentleman, because they shouldn’t expect anything less. I’m sorry guys, but if a guy is serious about a girl, he’d respect her and show that through his actions. The flipside of that is that respect is something that’s earned, which leads me to the next point that you brought up below.

My last date a month ago took me to a bar, of course i was not comfortable and was tense. He wanted to take me to his house, (to get to know me) i said no. He later told my friend that i was too up tight and thinks i am a “Bible thumper”. Not once did he open the door or act as a gentleman, he was more interested in himself and used bad behavior. Needless to say, i have not seen him again.

I agree. When a girl respects herself, that goes a long way in earning my respect.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Same with me, except in my case, the “girls” are all 7-10 years older than me and divorced…it’s pretty creepy actually…

How come guys think it’s “pretty creepy” when it’s done to them, but divorced men 7-10 years older than a woman think she should be flattered when they come on to her?

And why do you think women 7 to 10 years older than you are pretty creepy?

Their ex-husbands are probably fishing the waters for the women your age, except they have much more money than you do. Those women are probably NOT interested in the men 7 - 10 years older than they are who think they deserve the younger divorcee.

It’s a real vicious cycle.

 

[ack]

Because I was 23, and the age difference between a 23-year-old and someone who is 30-33 years old is generally an issue.

Also, the fact that the women are divorced, and I’m never-married makes the age difference seem even greater. Marriage makes people mature faster. A divorced woman has so much “experience” with male-female relationships…there was definitely an “asymmetrical” dynamic between me and these women, where the older, experienced women want to teach the naive young kid about the finer things in life.

I can’t speak for the divorced men because I’m not an older divorced man. The situation you described sounds pretty creepy too.

How come guys think it’s “pretty creepy” when it’s done to them, but divorced men 7-10 years older than a woman think she should be flattered when they come on to her?

And why do you think women 7 to 10 years older than you are pretty creepy?

Their ex-husbands are probably fishing the waters for the women your age, except they have much more money than you do. Those women are probably NOT interested in the men 7 - 10 years older than they are who think they deserve the younger divorcee.

It’s a real vicious cycle.

 

[beckers]

This is very true, i come from a Southern father, i have not seen “gentleman” behavior out there. Only in my house, father to mother. i have dated some, and seems to me that if one does not (excuse my language) put out, then you are not seen again.
My last date a month ago took me to a bar, of course i was not comfortable and was tense. He wanted to take me to his house, (to get to know me) i said no. He later told my friend that i was too up tight and thinks i am a “Bible thumper”. Not once did he open the door or act as a gentleman, he was more interested in himself and used bad behavior. Needless to say, i have not seen him again.

Chyna

Don’t worry about being labelled a “bible thumper”. Take it as a compilment. Your letting God drive you in the right direction by not falling for a man who has no idea the vaule of a women. We women have to be strong!

 

[chevalier]

Haha, really? I thought the guys had a monopoly on that!

Nope. But it depends on the upbringing. By the way, the quotation was from me actually.

I think it’s only normal for girls to expect a gentleman, because they shouldn’t expect anything less.

Shouldn’t a gentleman be expecting a lady, though?

I’m sorry guys, but if a guy is serious about a girl, he’d respect her and show that through his actions. The flipside of that is that respect is something that’s earned,

One part is always due, another needs to be extended until proven inapplicable, yet another needs to be earned beforehand. A lady ought to expect the respect which is always due and the one which can be presumed, but not the one which relies on personal appreciation of a person’s conduct - a mistake commonly made.

 

[chevalier]

Because I was 23, and the age difference between a 23-year-old and someone who is 30-33 years old is generally an issue.

Also, the fact that the women are divorced, and I’m never-married makes the age difference seem even greater. Marriage makes people mature faster. A divorced woman has so much “experience” with male-female relationships…there was definitely an “asymmetrical” dynamic between me and these women, where the older, experienced women want to teach the naive young kid about the finer things in life.

Agreed. Not precluding the merit of a particular relationship, in general, it’s not a healthy situation and there’s no denying this.