F
FrenchGwen
Guest
Hi, LA
Well, from the point of view of somebody who has been married for 2 years, and lived through times where she definitely thought of her marriage as an “unhappy marriage”:
I soooo totally agree with Whitacre here
YES: because some people are, for many reasons, afraid of being alone and remain in a marriage while unhappy… and some of them often remain in this unhappy marriage without doing anything that would enable it to turn happy again. That’s exactly why I don’t like the whole concept of “staying for the kids” : it often means the same than “sitting around on a chair waiting for years to pass, kids to be old enough so that I can finally get away” : it’s passive. A more constructive version of “staying for the kids” would be “at a time where I feel tired and desperate and not strong enough to be willing to work on my marriage for its own sake, then I will work on my marriage for the sake of my kids, and make my spouse and myself fall in love all over again”: that’s active.
but NO, too, because, as several said it: many people, upon hitting what is merely a rough patch in their marriage, mistake this for a sign that “they are not meant for each other” and just quit. Therefore losing their chance of building a strong, intimate marriage.
). Here’s a warning: never make yourself unhappy because of what you perceive from others’ marriage / couple life. People may seem very happy in their marriage, yet well that may be because they just don’t share everything with you. Even people who share their happiness with you may do so in an attempt to deluding themselves. Conversely, people may seem not that happy in their marriage, but who knows what treasures of communication and intimacy unfold when just being the two of them alone ? Remember, a good marriage is all about intimacy. By definition, intimacy is when no one else is looking.
I really want to make a point here, because comparing one’s couple to other couples is sure to lead to some frustration. I can recall this young engaged couple that seemed so happy and balanced and everything, and who was my model when I got engaged. I soooo desperately wanted to be like them, I tended not to allow my future DH and myself to be ourselves. And then they split, and several months later the girl talked to me about their many, many, unsuspected problems.
So do not judge from what you perceive from others’ marriages !
One last word : even if most marriages were happy, this would’nt add one thing to your own chance of having a happy marriage, because your own marriage will be about what you and your spouse put into it. Nothing else. Same if most marriages were unhappy: you could’nt draw any conclusion for your own marriage !
Well, from the point of view of somebody who has been married for 2 years, and lived through times where she definitely thought of her marriage as an “unhappy marriage”:
YES
I soooo totally agree with Whitacre here
YES… and NO
YES: because some people are, for many reasons, afraid of being alone and remain in a marriage while unhappy… and some of them often remain in this unhappy marriage without doing anything that would enable it to turn happy again. That’s exactly why I don’t like the whole concept of “staying for the kids” : it often means the same than “sitting around on a chair waiting for years to pass, kids to be old enough so that I can finally get away” : it’s passive. A more constructive version of “staying for the kids” would be “at a time where I feel tired and desperate and not strong enough to be willing to work on my marriage for its own sake, then I will work on my marriage for the sake of my kids, and make my spouse and myself fall in love all over again”: that’s active.
but NO, too, because, as several said it: many people, upon hitting what is merely a rough patch in their marriage, mistake this for a sign that “they are not meant for each other” and just quit. Therefore losing their chance of building a strong, intimate marriage.
Definitely YES. That’s a capital point here : even in 70 years, you will NEVER, NEVER be able to know what REALLY happens in a marriage that is not your own (and even if it’s your own, that’s not always easy
). Here’s a warning: never make yourself unhappy because of what you perceive from others’ marriage / couple life. People may seem very happy in their marriage, yet well that may be because they just don’t share everything with you. Even people who share their happiness with you may do so in an attempt to deluding themselves. Conversely, people may seem not that happy in their marriage, but who knows what treasures of communication and intimacy unfold when just being the two of them alone ? Remember, a good marriage is all about intimacy. By definition, intimacy is when no one else is looking.I really want to make a point here, because comparing one’s couple to other couples is sure to lead to some frustration. I can recall this young engaged couple that seemed so happy and balanced and everything, and who was my model when I got engaged. I soooo desperately wanted to be like them, I tended not to allow my future DH and myself to be ourselves. And then they split, and several months later the girl talked to me about their many, many, unsuspected problems.
So do not judge from what you perceive from others’ marriages !
One last word : even if most marriages were happy, this would’nt add one thing to your own chance of having a happy marriage, because your own marriage will be about what you and your spouse put into it. Nothing else. Same if most marriages were unhappy: you could’nt draw any conclusion for your own marriage !
