Are my actions unforgiveable?

[grumpycat]

Hello - I am a new member, interested in the Catholic faith, and I have a question - I will try to keep it as short and to the point as I can.

As a child/teen, I was hurt and scarred deeply on a mental and emotional level by people who twisted and abused God’s teachings, and unfortunately, this really poisoned my relationship with God. It took me YEARS to realise that this was not God’s fault.

What unfortunately happened in my late teens was that I began to believe that the devil was the true saviour… I thought he was simply misunderstood, that he was “the good guy”, so I began to pray to him.

Eventually I got involved in a cult-like group of people, who shattered my pretty illusion, but then found myself caught in the web, and had a hard time breaking free from it again.

I would like to make it clear that I never participated in anything you may have seen in horror films… I never wanted to harm anyone or anything. And ironically, I ALWAYS had certain morals and standards for myself that equals what the Bible teaches. But still, it doesn’t change the fact that I did worship the devil, and tried to convert others to do the same. It doesn’t change the fact that I thought and said things about God that I now wish I hadn’t. And when I finally broke free, I felt like my soul had rotted away.

That is a long time ago now, and I have since tried to live a very different life. I have been very drawn to Catholicism for years, but have held back for two reasons: one being the scars from my childhood, but I think I am past that now.

The other is much worse…

Recent dramatic events in my life, where I nearly lost my life, made me realise what is really important to me… and the ONE thing that was constantly on my mind was that I was desperate to repair my relationship with God… and a burning need to be “cleansed”, forgiven for my stupidity back then.

But… can I be forgiven at all for what I have done? Would God even “want me back” now? Would the Church welcome someone like me? I really want to contact my local church, but I am worried about how I will be received.

The truth is that I can’t even forgive myself, and i don’t feel I deserve anything good in life… and I’ve tried to pray, I’ve tried to apologise, but unlike that warm feeling I had as a kid when I prayed… I just feel nothing, like there’s no connection, and that scares me. I don’t know if it’s just in my head, because honestly, I don’t feel like I’m worthy of having my prayers heard. Or am I just a hopeless case now?

 

[Gorgias]

Hello - I am a new member, interested in the Catholic faith, and I have a question - I will try to keep it as short and to the point as I can.

But… can I be forgiven at all for what I have done? Would God even “want me back” now? Would the Church welcome someone like me? I really want to contact my local church, but I am worried about how I will be received.

Yes, yes, YES! Yes – you can be forgiven. YES – God “wants you back”! Yes – the Church welcomes you!

The path to joining the Catholic Church is a process known as ‘RCIA’ (the “Rite of Catholic Initiation of Adults”). Contact your local parish and ask them about it. RCIA programs tend to start in September or October and end at Easter Vigil, so you might not be able to jump in and be baptized this spring. However, your parish might allow you to sit in on classes now, and go through the program completely next year. Your participation this year, if the opportunity is offered you, will give you a head-start and a basis to begin to integrate into the parish community.

The truth is that I can’t even forgive myself, and i don’t feel I deserve anything good in life

This is one of the most difficult parts of forgiveness – allowing yourself permission to believe that you are, in fact, forgiven. Look around, ask around, and see if you can’t find a priest who is a good counselor. Perhaps you might have the opportunity to sit down with him and talk about your apprehensions.

I don’t feel like I’m worthy of having my prayers heard. Or am I just a hopeless case now?

You are absolutely worthy of having your prayers heard! You are absolutely not a hopeless case! I’ll be praying for you!

 

[BrassAnkles]

I once had demonic thoughts and struggled with my sexuality. Jesus received me warts and all. (the warts are going little by little).

 

[SuperLuigi]

YES!! God wants you back! You can be forgiven!!

 

[faith_always]

I would definitely talk to a priest, and keeping praying. Keeping asking for forgiveness

We are all children of God!

May God Bless you

peace on your journey back to Him

 

[josh987654321]

Extract from the book 'The Dolorous Passion of Our Lord Jesus Christ' by Anne Catherine Emmerich:

The Dolorous Passion of Our Lord Jesus Christ - jesus-passion.com/DOLOROUS_PASSION_OF_OUR_LORD_JESUS_CHRIST.htm

**CHAPTER XIV

The Despair of Judas**

Whilst the Jews were conducting Jesus to Pilate, the traitor Judas walked about listening to the conversation of the crowd who followed, and his ears were struck by words such as these: ‘They are taking him before Pilate; the High Priests have condemned the Galilean to death; he will be crucified; they will accomplish his death; he has been already dreadfully ill-treated; his patience is wonderful; he answers not; his only words are that he is the Messiah, and that he will be seated at the right hand of God; they will crucify him on account of those words; had he not said them they could not have condemned him to death. The miscreant who sold him was one of his disciples, and had a short time before eaten the Paschal lamb with him; not for worlds would I have had to do with such an act; however guilty the Galilean may be, he has not at all events sold his friend for money; such an infamous character as this disciple is infinitely more deserving of death.’ Then, but too late, anguish, despair, and remorse took possession of the mind of Judas. Satan instantly prompted him to fly. He fled as if a thousand furies were at his heel, and the bag which was hanging at his side struck him as he ran, and propelled him as a spur from hell; but he took it into his hand to prevent its blows. He fled as fast as possible, but where did he fly? Not towards the crowd, that he might cast himself at the feet of Jesus, his merciful Saviour, implore his pardon, and beg to die with him,— not to confess his fault with true repentance before God, but to endeavour to unburden himself before the world of his crime, and of the price of his treachery. He ran like one beside himself into the Temple, where several members of the Council had gathered together after the judgment of Jesus. They looked at one another with astonishment; and then turned their haughty countenances, on which a smile of irony was visible, upon Judas. He with a frantic gesture tore the thirty pieces of silver from his side, and holding them forth with his right hand, exclaimed in accents of the most deep despair, ‘ Take back your silver—that silver with which you bribed me to betray this just man; take back your silver; release Jesus; our compact is at an end; I have sinned grievously, for I have betrayed innocent blood.’ The priests answered him in the most contemptuous manner, and, as if fearful of contaminating themselves by the contact of the reward of the traitor, would not touch the silver he tended, but replied, ‘What have we to do with thy sin? If thou thinkest to have sold innocent blood, it is thine own affair; we know what we have paid for, and we have judged him worthy of death. Thou hast thy money, say no more.’ They addressed these words to him in the abrupt tone in which men usually speak when anxious to get rid of a troublesome person, and instantly arose and walked away. These words filled Judas with such rage and despair that he became almost frantic: his hair stood on end on his head; he rent in two the bag which contained the thirty pieces of silver, cast them down in the Temple, and fled to the outskirts of the town.

175

I again beheld him rushing to and fro like a madman in the valley of Hinnom: Satan was by his side in a hideous form, whispering in his ear, to endeavour to drive him to despair, all the curses which the prophets had hurled upon this valley, where the Jews formerly sacrificed their children to idols.

It appeared as if all these maledictions were directed against him, as in these words, for instance: ‘ They shall go forth, and behold the carcases of those who have sinned against me, whose worm dieth not, and whose fire shall never be extinguished.’ Then the devil murmured in his ears, ‘Cain, where is thy brother Abel? What hast thou done?—his blood cries to me for vengeance: thou art cursed upon earth, a wanderer for ever.’ When he reached the torrent of Cedron, and saw Mount Olivet, he shuddered, turned away, and again the words vibrated in his ear, ‘Friend, whereto art thou come? Judas, dost thou betray the Son of Man with a kiss?’ Horror filled his soul, his head began to wander, and the arch fiend again whispered, ‘It was here that David crossed the Cedron when he fled from Absalom. Absalom put an end to his life by hanging himself. It was of thee that David spoke when he said: “And they repaid me evil for good; hatred for my love. May the devil stand at his right hand; when he is judged, may he go out condemned. May his days be few, and his bishopric let another take. May the iniquity of his father be remembered in the sight of the Lord; and let not the sin of his mother be blotted out, because he remembered not to show mercy, but persecuted the poor man and the beggar and the broken in heart, to put him to death. And he loved cursing, and it shall come unto him. And he put on cursing like a garment, and it went in like water into his entrails, and like oil into his bones. May it be unto him like a garment which covereth him and like a girdle, with which he is girded continually.”’

Please continue to next post -

 

[josh987654321]

Continued:

Overcome by these terrible thoughts Judas rushed on, and reached the foot of the mountain. It was a dreary, desolate spot filled with rubbish and putrid remains; discordant sounds from the city reverberated in his ears, and Satan continually repeated, ‘They are now about to put him to death; thou hast sold him. Knowest thou not the words of the law, “He who sells a soul among his brethren, and receives the price of it, let him die the death”? Put an end to thy misery, wretched one; put an end to thy misery.’ Overcome by despair Judas tore off his girdle, and hung himself on a tree which grew in a crevice of the rock, and after death his body burst asunder, and his bowels were scattered around.
Jesus to Catalina:

The Passion - loveandmercy.org/Eng-TP-Reg.pdf

**2) After Judas handed Me over in the Garden of Olives, he wandered off and took flight, unable to stifle the cries of his conscience, which accused him of the most horrible sacrilege. When the news of My death sentence reached his ears, he gave in to the most terrible despair and hanged himself.

1. Who can possibly understand the intense pain in My Heart when I saw that soul cast himself into eternal damnation? He who had spent three years in the school of My Love learning My doctrine, receiving My teaching, and many times hearing My lips forgive the greatest sinners.
2. Judas! Why do you not come and throw yourself at My feet so that I may forgive you? If you do not dare to come near Me for fear of those who surround Me and so ardently abuse Me, at least look at Me and you will see how soon My eyes will fix on you.
3. Souls, who are entangled in the greatest sins… If at times you have lived wandering as fugitives because of your crimes, if the sins of which you are guilty have blinded you and hardened your hearts, if in the pursuit of some passion you have fallen into greater disorder, do not allow desperation to take possession of you when the accomplices to your sin abandon you and your soul realizes its guilt. As long as man has an instant of life, he still has time to appeal to My Mercy and implore forgiveness.
4. If you are young and the scandals of your past life have left you in a state of degradation before men, do not be afraid! Even though the world may despise you, treat you as wicked, insult and abandon you, be certain that your God does not want your soul to be fodder for the flames of hell. He wants you to dare to speak to Him, to direct your gaze and the sighs of your heart at Him, and you will soon see that His kind and paternal hand will lead you to the source of forgiveness and of life.
5. If out of malice you have perhaps spent a large part of your life in disorder and indifference, and now near eternity, desperation wants to blindfold your eyes, do not allow yourself to be deceived. There is still time for forgiveness. Listen carefully: if you have left but a second of life, take advantage of it because you could gain eternal life during that second.
6. If your existence has passed in ignorance and in error, if you have been the cause of great harm to people, to society, and even to religion, and for any reason you recognize your mistake, do not allow yourself to be pulled down by the burden of your sins or by the harm for which you have been instrumental. But instead, allow your soul to be penetrated with the deepest sorrow, absorb yourself in trust and turn to the One who is always waiting to forgive you.
7. The same happens for a soul who has spent the first years of its life in faithful observance of My Commandments, but has little by little fallen away from fervor into a lukewarm and comfortable life …
8. Do not hide anything that I tell you, for it is all for the benefit of the whole of humanity. Repeat it in broad daylight; preach it to those who truly want to hear it.
9. The soul who one day receives a strong jolt that awaken it, all of a sudden sees its life fruitless, empty and undeserving of eternity. The Evil One, with infernal jealousy, attacks it in a thousand ways, exaggerating its faults. He inspires in it sadness and discouragement, leading in the end to fear and desperation.
10. Soul that belongs to Me, do not pay attention to the cruel enemy. As soon as you feel the movement of grace at the beginning of your struggle, come to My Heart. Feel and watch how it pours a drop of its Blood upon your soul, and come to Me. You know where I am, under the veil of faith… Lift it and, with complete trust, tell Me all your sorrows, your miseries, your falls… Listen to My words with respect and do not fear for the past. My Heart has submerged it in the endless depths of My Mercy and My Love.
11. Your past life will give you the humility that will fill you. And if you want to give Me the best proof of love, trust Me and count on My forgiveness. Believe that your sins will never be greater than My infinite Mercy.**

Please continue to next post -

 

[josh987654321]

http://s28.postimg.org/6bvy5pai5/Prodigal_Son.jpg
Jesus to Catalina:

The Passion - loveandmercy.org/Eng-TP-Reg.pdf

I want to teach sinners that because they have sinned, they should not distance themselves from Me thinking that they no longer have recourse and that they will never be loved as before they sinned. Poor souls! These are not the feelings of a God who has shed all His Blood for you. Come to Me all of you and fear not, because I love you. I will cleanse you with My Blood and you will be as white as snow. I will drown your sins in the water of My Mercy and nothing will be able to snatch from My Heart the Love that I have for you.

http://s24.postimg.org/s91lh9u91/Crucifixion.jpg
The Gospel of Luke:

The Crucifixion of Jesus

34 And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.” And they cast lots to divide his garments.

Jesus to Catalina:

The Passion - loveandmercy.org/Eng-TP-Reg.pdf

**"Contemplate My wounds and see if there is anyone who has suffered as much as I, to show their love…

"Contemplate for a moment these bloodstained hands and feet… This naked body, covered with wounds, with urine, and blood. Dirty… This head punctured by sharp thorns, soaked in sweat, full of dust, and covered in Blood…

"Contemplate your Jesus, hanging on the Cross, without being able to make the slightest movement… naked, without fame, without honor, without liberty…

"Contemplate Me in the image of the Christ that weeps and bleeds. There and in this way the world has Me**

Divine Mercy Image - St. Faustina

http://s8.postimg.org/422f1cyxh/Christ_9.jpg

Jesus to St Faustina -

"These two rays issued forth from the very depths of My tender mercy when My agonized Heart was opened by a lance on the Cross." (Diary, 299)

"…when you go to confession, to this fountain of My mercy, the Blood and Water which came forth from My Heart always flows down upon your soul and ennobles it. Every time you go to confession, immerse yourself entirely in My mercy, with great trust, so that I may pour the bounty of My grace upon your soul. When you approach the confessional, know this, that I myself am waiting there for you. I am only hidden by the priest, but I myself act in your soul. Here the misery of the soul meets the God of mercy. Souls draw graces solely with the vessel of trust. If their trust is great, there is no limit to My generosity. The torrents of grace inundate humble souls." (Diary, 1603).

"Tell sinful souls not to be afraid to approach Me; speak to them of My great mercy" (Diary, 1396).

God Bless

Thank you for reading
Josh

 

[crumblymunky]

Yes. Talk to a priest ASAP. Also, be on the look out for demonic activity. Demons can attach themselves to people, and you probably are at risk due to the devil worship.

EDIT: I mean yes you can be forgiven, not yes in reply to the title.

 

[grumpycat]

Thank you so much for your replies! That is really a big relief… and Josh, your posts in particular really made me feel a lot better

I feel a little bad about the fact that I had to go through a personal tragedy to get to this point… but on the other hand, in an extreme situation like that, you stop caring about all the superficial stuff, you stop overthinking everything… you only focus on what is actually really important, especially in a situation where you don’t know how much time you have left.

Please don’t get me wrong, though, it’s not because I am looking for something to “fix me”… it’s simply that I realised just how important it was and is for me to get my spiritual life in order, and how much it was bothering me.

Yes. Talk to a priest ASAP. Also, be on the look out for demonic activity. Demons can attach themselves tople, and you probably are at risk due to the devil worship.

I have wondered about that for a few years, to be honest. It just seems as if every time I am about to do something good and positive, something bad happens out of the blue, usually health related, that stops me from completing it. I don’t know, maybe I’m reading too much into things… but even during my recent crisis, as I was having this entire eye-opening experience, things just kept getting worse, to the point where I have to admit I wondered if something wanted me to give up again. It’s all just speculation, of course.

Anyway… I was really happy to log on here and read everyone’s replys, so thank you all… as soon as my health allows it, I will get in touch with my local church. I will also stick around this forum, as I am sure I can learn a thing or two from it

 

[BrassAnkles]

Thank you so much for your replies! That is really a big relief… and Josh, your posts in particular really made me feel a lot better

I feel a little bad about the fact that I had to go through a personal tragedy to get to this point… but on the other hand, in an extreme situation like that, you stop caring about all the superficial stuff, you stop overthinking everything… you only focus on what is actually really important, especially in a situation where you don’t know how much time you have left.

Please don’t get me wrong, though, it’s not because I am looking for something to “fix me”… it’s simply that I realised just how important it was and is for me to get my spiritual life in order, and how much it was bothering me.

I have wondered about that for a few years, to be honest. It just seems as if every time I am about to do something good and positive, something bad happens out of the blue, usually health related, that stops me from completing it. I don’t know, maybe I’m reading too much into things… but even during my recent crisis, as I was having this entire eye-opening experience, things just kept getting worse, to the point where I have to admit I wondered if something wanted me to give up again. It’s all just speculation, of course.

Anyway… I was really happy to log on here and read everyone’s replys, so thank you all… as soon as my health allows it, I will get in touch with my local church. I will also stick around this forum, as I am sure I can learn a thing or two from it

 

[josh987654321]

I hope you don’t mind if I share with you another small piece that I believe may help
Extract from the book 'Divine Providence':

Divine Providence - loveandmercy.org/Eng-DP-Reg.pdf

On Tuesday July 8th, we travelled to Cozumel because we had been invited to speak there at a conference. The Lord dictated to me a message for a young lady, saying: “Tell her that I have waited for a long time for this moment and I await her surrender.” She was a young lady who had gone looking for our spiritual director to make her life’s confession. When I handed her the message she cried. Then the Lord asked me to help her.

1. We spoke until the arrival of the priest. When they left the room together, heading toward another for the [Sacrament of] Confession, I saw unexpectedly that there were a great number of people around her, possibly ten or twelve who wanted to enter with her into the [confessional] room. I was surprised to see that but soon understood it to be a mystical experience and I began to pray.
2. You could hear, on the one hand, some voices speaking loudly and with music to the rhythm of drums that was shocking. And at the same time you could hear a choir, people singing the Ave of Fatima, and another choir sang in the distance: “Glory and praise to God the Creator, to the Son the Redeemer, and to the Holy Spirit…!”
3. I knelt down and asked the Lord to enlighten that Confession. Suddenly I heard the rumble of many people screaming. I immediately looked towards the place where all the noise was coming from, and it was the balcony of the room where the young lady was having her confession heard.
4. What I saw was frightful: absolutely unpleasant figures, deformed creatures that would go out running and screaming, throwing themselves from the balcony into the empty space below. As I reached my window to see the fall, which was my first impulse, I no longer saw anybody.
5. At that moment the friend, who had asked Father [the spiritual director] to hear her [the young lady’s] confession, came in and we both could clearly hear the noise from chains and rubbing of metal that seemed to be ripping off the roof and walls. We began to pray, and I told him not to be afraid, that they were the typical noises and annoyances from the devil because he had a soul being taken away from him. He accompanied me for some minutes in prayer and then he had to leave.
6. I remained alone in prayer for a few minutes. I do not know for how many, and suddenly a light made me open my eyes. I realized that the wall in front of me, which separated my room from the room in which the confession was being heard, had disappeared.
7. I could see then the young lady seated in Confession, but not in front of the priest, but in front of Jesus Himself. I did not see the priest; it was Jesus who had taken his place. Our Lord was visible from the side with His hands entwined, as in a praying position, and His chin resting on them, listening attentively.
8. Behind the young woman and near the door of the room, was a group of people. Among them I could make out a nun dressed in blue with a black veil. Next to her an Angel stood out with very large wings, a very majestic character with a very big lance in his right hand, looking left and right on the alert. I thought that it might be St. Michael the Archangel or one of his captains from his Celestial Militia.
9. In the background, to the right hand side of Jesus and the young lady in Confession, I recognised the Virgin Mary, standing, dressed like Our Lady of Perpetual Help, in a gown that seemed of silk, pearl in color, with a dark yellow or caramel mantle with the emblems usually associated with that image.
10. Two very tall Angels stood and held their lances in one hand, watching attentively, in the same way as the Angel at the door. They were vigilant and alert, as guarding the Blessed Virgin, who remained standing with her hands in prayer, looking towards Heaven, while the Angels appeared to be guarding the whole place.
11. There were many small Angels that went and came, as if they were transparent. At a certain moment, Jesus raised His right hand, positioning His palm a certain distance from the young woman’s head. His whole hand was full of light from which golden rays were coming out and covering her entirely in all splendour, transforming her. I could see how the face of the penitent was changing progressively, as if someone was removing a mask from her… I saw how the hard face from before was transforming itself into another, a more noble, sweet, and peaceful one.
12. At the instant that Jesus was imparting absolution, the Holy Virgin genuflected and bowed Her head and all the beings that were around Her did the same. Jesus stood up, approached the penitent, and, just then, I could just see the priest seated where Jesus was before.
13. The Lord embraced the young lady and kissed her cheek. He then turned around, embraced the priest and also kissed his cheek. At that instant, everything filled with an intense light, which disappeared as it ascending towards the ceiling at the same time that the whole vision was disappearing and I was once again looking at my wall.
14. After having presented me with such an exceptional mystical experience, the Lord spoke to me and said:

16) “If you [My children] only knew how a soul who has made a good confession is transformed, all those near it would welcome this soul on their knees, because by virtue of sanctifying grace, such a soul is filled with the Holy Spirit.”

1. When the young woman came out of Confession, I felt a true desire to kneel before her, but instead I embraced her with all my love, for I knew that I was embracing the person who earlier had been embraced by the Lord. She looked different, much younger and very happy. I told everything to my spiritual director, and we both remained in prayer, giving thanks to God.

 

[grumpycat]

Thank you again - and sorry for my late reply, my Internet access is a bit limited at the moment. It definitely did help

 

[Dranu]

Don’t worry as long as you are seeking God’s forgiveness! There is no such thing as unforgivable sin this side of the grave. Only dying in the state of mortal sin is unforgivable.