Are my lack of loving feelings for my husband a sin?

[debber]

I am living in a state of confusion right now and I just want to give my worries and concerns to God but I am not sure if it is too late.
I will try to keep this short. I have been married for just over 4 years. My husband has a compulsive lying disorder and often doesn’t appear to know the difference between the truth and a lie. I was not aware of lies until a few months after we married. He has stolen from me on different occasions, been out of work twice without letting me know, and lied to both of our families. We have been to counseling twice and to see priests. Because of the lack of honesty…I fell out of love with him. I continued to try to be a good wife (including the physical aspect) until a few months ago. I just could not lie any longer about my feelings. Last summer I was reunited with an old friend from college, out of state. It was innocent but we ended up seeing each other a few more times and realized that we had true feelings for one another. I am certaintly not proud of it but we did have relations and I did confess to a priest. I don’t think that I can’t just stop the feelings that I have for him.
I am very confused. Even though I confess, if I have committed a mortal sin, am I still going to go to hell? I am staying in my marriage only for my children right now. It is very hard for me and I am not sure that it’s actually the best thing for my daughter to see me upset frequently. Is it a sin that I still have feelings for my friend? I have had those feelings for 20 years but he married someone else so I am not expecting us to ever be together. Is it a sin that I cannot emotionally provide for my husband sexually? I do everything else for him but I feel like I’m not being true to anyone if I do that.
Please help. I don’t feel that I have any purpose on this earth if I cannot be a good Catholic and a good mother.

 

[Fr.Vincent_Serpa]

Dear Confused,

Love essentially consists in the will—not feelings, no matter how strong they are. You say that you are remaining in the marriage for the benefit of your children. This isn’t an easy thing to do, but it IS an act of love. Love is measured by sacrifice. We know how much we love another person by how willing we are to put ourselves out for that person.

Now this isn’t to deny the reality of feelings. They add zest and are like auxiliary generators. They make good actions better and bad actions worse, but they do not determine the good or evil of our actions. Our wills do that.

The fact that you have involuntary feelings for someone other than your husband is not a sin. The fact that you don’t have feelings for him is also not a sin. If you have confessed a mortal in, that sin is forgiven no matter how many guilt feelings you still may have.

You are not alone. The Lord knows what it is like to feel betrayed and lied to. He has given you a share in that part of his passion. You can offer such pain to him as an act of love for what He has suffered for you.

If you should ever want to have your marriage annulled by the Church, I suspect that there are grounds for one. You are in my prayers.

Fr. Vincent Serpa, O.P.