Are My Parents Being Unreasonable?

[Corki]

Lovedance4ever,

Your parents may be overly dramatic but they aren’t being unreasonable.

1. you believe yourself to be in love with a man you haven’t met yet
2. you are contemplating marriage with someone who is not Christian, let alone Catholic and not an American citizen or resident (mixed marriage AND immigration issues involved)
3. you are still pretty young (20) to be getting married. You mentioned college - are you still in school?

You say you feel your parents are “not on your side”. What is it that you expect of them? I think it is unrealistic for you to expect unconditional approval of this relationship at this point. It has too many red flags and they haven’t even met him yet (nor have you). At best, you should hope that they come to love him as much as you do but that is going to happen over time.

 

[aloe]

You are not coming across as immature. I actually am spending time to respond to you because I think you listen. Glad you are thinking about these issues. And how wonderful you have both your parents and your parents really care about your relationships.
How did you meet this guy from India to be involved in this way?

Him saying you need to stay with your parents reflects his culture more than anything else. His culture also tells him you will have to stay with him and his parents. If he was really interested in mass he would attend alone or not. Could it be he likes telling you what you want to hear as well as your parents? Why not? What is the real risk for him?
Keep in mind it is super easy to say you will do one thing before you have kids but when you actually have kids it changes everything in ways you really can’t imagine until becoming a parent. I know how that sounds but I found it to be so true. I could have never prepared myself for the ways in which I would change my thinking after I became a mom.

What is there in this relationship for you? For him? For his family? For your family? What types of history and stories about their parents do you want to be able to tell your own children? Where will those children live? Will they see their grandparents on each side much? Cousins? Aunts? Uncles? What type of influence will they be on your children?
Do you have things in life you would like to do before you settle down, goals to accomplish? What is the rush to meet? There is no rush. There is no rush to marry. No rush on any of this.

Also, there are little signs in the back of your head, like intuition, about money, about the meeting, certain things people have told you, like little red flags. Listen to those signs forever and always, they are there for a real reason. They help you on the journey of life to avoid painful mistakes.

 

[abinjoy]

Being an Indian I can’t believe when you say that a conservative Hindu family is happy with their son marrying a American Christian.His family does not seem to be a conservative.Sounds ultra progressive.A conservative Hindu family has many things to look at like caste.(Caste system is prevalent in many parts of India.Look up caste system in google).Many Hindus generally tend to many people only from their caste.Cant actually believe if you say they are fine with marrying an American catholic. Any clue from which place in India is he from?.
Honestly no big deal if he asked to stay with your parents.Our society emphasize on on family values and is much more collective in an nature unlike Western societies which are more individualistic.Children stay with their parents until they get married or till they move to a place away from home for job/studies etc… I am 30 and single and had I been working in my home town I would have been still staying with my parents.
Again no conservative family will be willing to send his son to US to see a girl whom he has met online.An average Indian cannot afford to send his son to US for a trip… He is either super rich/acting a drama.
Just be aware a conservative Hindu family just wont accept American culture.
Indian culture and American culture are light years apart…
During your skype chats did he ever show you his parents or did he just show you people your age?Do you still know that Indian society is still very much male-dominated one?
And most Indian guys have a fascination for white women possibly bcoz Indians are brown skinned.An Indian guy marrying an online friend (from US) happens to be one in a million case.

Robwar has mentioned some valid points in his post.The blog in hopenhappiness’ post also has some valid points.To be very honest with you this whole thing looks like a scam to me.But I could very well be wrong.
So ask holy spirit to guide you and pray to St.Raphael to show you the right path…

I know a couple of other Indian’s in this forums.Try to gather opinion from them too.If you want to know their usernames let me know.

 

[Xantippe]

abinjoy said:

“Being an Indian I can’t believe when you say that a conservative Hindu family is happy with their son marrying a American Christian.His family does not seem to be a conservative.Sounds ultra progressive.A conservative Hindu family has many things to look at like caste.(Caste system is prevalent in many parts of India.Look up caste system in google).Many Hindus generally tend to many people only from their caste.Cant actually believe if you say they are fine with marrying an American catholic. Any clue from which place in India is he from?.”

Here’s a possibility–what the OP means is that they are Hindu and (on the American scale of things) traditional, which (correct me if I’m wrong), 90% of Indian families probably qualify as.

I think there’s a possible problem in equating conservative and traditional in the American context with conservative and traditional in the Indian context. Those could easily be dramatically different things. I suspect that for an American woman (even a conservative and/or devout one), a “progressive” Indian family might be a lot easier to deal with.

 

[Viki63]

Don’t decide to get married to him or anybody until you’ve lived outside your parental home for a full calendar year and have had a really fun, productive, happy, independent life. This guy is not going to fix you. You need to learn how to be happy before you can be a good wife to anybody.

You need your freedom, but this guy is not necessarily your ticket out. You are your ticket out.

This is superb advice. Xantippe’s whole post is really good.
You are too young to be making life-altering decisions when you haven’t experienced being your own person yet. I say this because you stated you try hard to please your parents and meet their expectations.

There is a certain amount of pulling away from one’s parents that is normal in late adolescence and early adulthood. It looks like you haven’t reached that stage yet, through no fault of your own. I too got to that stage late, around 18 to 19, and it was heavy-duty when it happened. But it is something we need to go through.

You will see that your perspective on many things changes drastically if you move out to live independently. I advise you not to enter into any serious relationships until you’ve done that for awhile. You need to discover your own values and self.

 

[CathLifeHacker]

I don’t agree that one has to live outside the parental home before they get married. This is a waste of money (rent, utilities, etc). This is totally a modern concept. Additionally, living at home allows the parents to be part of the dating/courtship process.

I do agree though that the OP is too young to pursue this relationship which is entirely impractical and with a non-believer.

 

[Xantippe]

CathLifeHacker said:

“I don’t agree that one has to live outside the parental home before they get married. This is a waste of money (rent, utilities, etc).”

The OP’s semi-abusive home situation makes her living outside the parental home before marriage particularly desirable.

I agree about the financial practicality of living at home with parents, but I think one year of independence is worth financially sacrificing for in the interests of personal development, even with the very best of parents and adult children. I will definitely encourage my kids to do that, even while thinking that financially speaking, living at home makes more sense. A little solo financial independence is a good thing to experiment with before attempting to do it with a spouse. I would not want my daughter to marry a man who had never paid an electric bill or rent, and ditto my son. I think going straight from the parental home to married life puts unnecessary strain on that first year of marriage, which is eventful enough without that.

 

[Allegra]

I don’t agree that one has to live outside the parental home before they get married. This is a waste of money (rent, utilities, etc). This is totally a modern concept. Additionally, living at home allows the parents to be part of the dating/courtship process.

I do agree though that the OP is too young to pursue this relationship which is entirely impractical and with a non-believer.

I vehemently disagree. It seems to me that precious few young people are leaving home capable of taking care of themselves, much less caring for a spouse and children. Some families may do a good job of training their children to care for a home, create and stick to a long-term budget, prepare taxes, plan, purchase for, and prepare a weeks worth of healthy meals, deal with various forms of beuracracy, etc. but the vast majority of people learn these skills in the trenches. A year or two without mommy wiping your rear end for you is good for everyone. 5 is better. I don’t think I would date a man who still had his mother rolling up his socks and his father handling his financial affairs. I know I don’t have time to finish raising someone else’s child.

 

[Xantippe]

Allegra said:

“It seems to me that precious few young people are leaving home capable of taking care of themselves, much less caring for a spouse and children.”

Exactly. Given that childhood now extends to around 30, it’s really important to be able to hit the ground running as a newlywed and to know that your prospective spouse is ready for adult life.

 

[Allegra]

Allegra said:

“It seems to me that precious few young people are leaving home capable of taking care of themselves, much less caring for a spouse and children.”

Exactly. Given that childhood now extends to around 30, it’s really important to be able to hit the ground running as a newlywed and to know that your prospective spouse is ready for adult life.

Furthermore, checking out at a reasonable age isn’t a “modern” concept. Young men have been moving out to attend school, join the army, begin an apprenticeship, travel the world, and prepare for adult life for quite some time. It’s only girls and the whichever son was going to inherit the farm that stayed at home, because home WAS their future. Now that women are expected to run the world in addition to keeping the home together, it is in their best interest to do the same.

 

[lovedance4ever]

Since a good deal of this thread is focused on suggesting that I move, out I thought I’d clear some things up.

I am a college junior, studying criminal justice. First of all, I took the corrections exam last April, passed that, and am in the beginning stages of the hiring process for that. It will take over a year, but I will have the opportunity to take the job and move upstate.

Secondly, I took the police exam this past November, and am awaiting the results. If I passed it (which I am confident I did well), then I will be called in for the physical this April, and will from there (if all goes well, which I have no idea why it shouldn’t) be sent to the police academy in the fall. After that, I would have to move to a town that is two hours away from where I currently live.

I have two very likely ways out of my house, I am just waiting for the right time. Both careers pay extremely well, and I would be more than capable of supporting myself on either salary. It’s not like I do not have a plan. I plan on moving out within the next year and a half.

Also, my career is first and foremost in my life - NOT a boyfriend. I’ve even said to my parents before that all I need in life is my Faith and my career, nothing more. My grades have been fabulous thus far, and I intend to graduate with what I like to refer to as “academic bling.” My ultimate goal is to have a career with the FBI working in counterterrorism. I can read some Arabic, and am working to enhance my skills. As I always say, nothing gives me more butterflies than the thought of working in my dream job.

Thank you to all who have answered so far! I truly appreciate it. I just wanted to post and let you know that I do have a plan…it might not get me out of the house right away, but it will eventually. Please continue to pray for me!

 

[Beryllos]

Wow, what an awesome vision for your career! Thanks for letting us know.

I am praying for you.

 

[lovedance4ever]

Wow, what an awesome vision for your career! Thanks for letting us know.

I am praying for you.

Thanks so much, Beryllos! God bless

 

[SuperLuigi]

If only I had 5 American dollars every time I heard a response like this:

We’ve talked about the possibility of marriage, and he is 100% okay with raising our children Catholic.

You’ve talked about marrying someone you’ve never met? That’s rich!

Besides, I’ve heard it all before. They’ll say anything in order to get what they want. You have no idea if he’ll stick to it.

He has no problem whatsoever with the Church, and has said that he has always dreamed of attending Mass - he doesn’t now, because he has no Catholic near his home with whom he can attend.

Of course not.

What do you think the odds of someone changing his/her religion from meeting someone on skype are? Especially from a country rooted in solid religious (Hindu and Muslim) tradition?

My decision at this point is to wait until I meet him.

And you’ll find out it won’t solve anything.

Only time

No it won’t. I don’t think you’ll ever be able to trust him.

AND PRAYER will tell.

I’ve heard this one, too. I think it’s sometimes used to try and get people off your back—ie, only God can tell me.

Well, look at it like this: You came on here for a reason and are asking for a reason, and that reason is you don’t trust him yourself.

It’s as simple as that.

I cannot even begin to tell you how much I have been praying about this - not for what I want, but for God’s will. I pray that the Lord will lead me in the direction He wants me to go, and to send me a good man if my current boyfriend is not who He intends for my life. “Thy will be done.”

Prayer is fine, but don’t use it as your excuse to keep up what I think deep down you know may well be a scandal.

Eventually, you’ll need to use some common sense. You have prayed, and God may have very well sent on here.

Thank you again. And I hope I have not come across as some immature, airheaded little girl.

Ha! Now I think you’re just trying to caveat your uncertainty here. You’re using everything from your GPA to comparing yourself to other family members to evaluate your decision??

Talk about faulty comparisons!

I am not.

You are pretty naive if you think that meeting him will solve all these problems. As I said, these types of international are a waste of time.

I’m known for my levelheadedness in my family; the one who makes good decisions and is usually the voice of reason in times of angst.

Irrelevant. You shouldn’t have to use such comparisons to justify and verify your relationship.

This has just put me in a frenzied state and I want to please everyone - including myself!

That’s not what is happening. You don’t trust this man, and meeting him won’t change that. You’ll find that out soon enough, I’m sure.

This sounds more and more like a scam of some kind to me and there’s nothing you’ve said at the core that I haven’t heard before.

 

[SuperLuigi]

1. Has he asked for money or tried to make you feel guilty about giving him money (ie my uncle is sick and its sad and we can’t afford XYZ)(
2. Have you sent him money?
3. Is there a big age difference between you two?
4. When did you start talking about marriage? Since this is happening, you both have said you love each other. When did this first happen?
5. How did you meet? Who contacted whom?
6. Is he ever on-line and not talking to you? If so, do you message him? What hours of the day do you talk? There’s a time difference to consider.

 

[lovedance4ever]

Thanks again to all who have taken the time to comment thus far.

After a lot of prayer and giving the situation a lot of thought (with the help of reading over everyone’s comments), I have come to the difficult conclusion that the relationship…or whatever you would like to call it…needs to come to an end. As fond as I am of him, the differences in culture and religion are exactly what you all have told me - problematic, to say the least.

The whole thing is causing a lot of angst in my parents’ lives, and I just cannot do this to them anymore - I can only imagine how much worse things would get if I were to marry the guy. Neither of them are in good health, and although they tend to be a bit controlling and overprotective, I still want to make them happy. They are and have been good parents.

But I ask all of you to pray for me as I make this extremely hard transition. It is harder for me than I can even describe, as I have gotten so fond of and attached to his company; and I know he has felt the same. Please pray that the both of us take it well, that I can stay strong, and that he finds happiness in his life.

I guess what also upsets me is that I feel as though I will never find a good, Catholic American guy. I’m sure it sounds stupid to you, but that is how I honestly feel. I’ve had some bad experiences with Catholic guys and feel distrustful of them now. Well, anyway…

Thank you all again.

God bless

 

[Xantippe]

“After a lot of prayer and giving the situation a lot of thought (with the help of reading over everyone’s comments), I have come to the difficult conclusion that the relationship…or whatever you would like to call it…needs to come to an end. As fond as I am of him, the differences in culture and religion are exactly what you all have told me - problematic, to say the least.”

This is going to be hard on you, but probably for the best.

There’s a proverb in Polish (and Russian, too, I think) that says something like, you aren’t really friends until you’ve eaten a barrel of salt together. That’s a good goal for you to work toward.

“The whole thing is causing a lot of angst in my parents’ lives, and I just cannot do this to them anymore - I can only imagine how much worse things would get if I were to marry the guy. Neither of them are in good health, and although they tend to be a bit controlling and overprotective, I still want to make them happy. They are and have been good parents.”

It isn’t your job to make your parents happy.

Also, newsflash–you could probably bring home a clone of St. Joseph, and your parents wouldn’t like him at all. “Isn’t he too old for you? Don’t you think the cultural difference is a problem? Does he want to marry you just for a green card? What do you mean you’re moving to Egypt?”

“I guess what also upsets me is that I feel as though I will never find a good, Catholic American guy. I’m sure it sounds stupid to you, but that is how I honestly feel.”

Give it time and work on your social life. I know you’ve often complained about your lack of friends in real life. Work on being a good friend and making good friends (of both sexes) and leading a happy, productive, virtuous life. That’s really the primary task of the college/early young adult years.

Also, bear in mind that the US contains many good Catholic men who are not Americans that you can get to know in person. My husband, for instance, is a non-US citizen. When we were getting engaged, I had an auntie and uncle worried that he was marrying me just for a green card, but as we’ve been married 15+ years now and have three kids, that is looking progressively less likely.

You may be the sort of person who is destined to marry a non-American, but give American Catholics a fair chance.

“I’ve had some bad experiences with Catholic guys and feel distrustful of them now. Well, anyway…”

You haven’t even dated every single Catholic guy in your town, let alone your county or your state or the country. Be patient, learn to be more discerning about character, and take care of yourself physically and emotionally.

 

[abinjoy]

I guess what also upsets me is that I feel as though I will never find a good, Catholic American guy. I’m sure it sounds stupid to you, but that is how I honestly feel. I’ve had some bad experiences with Catholic guys and feel distrustful of them now. Well, anyway…

Thank you all again.

God bless

Don’t easily come to the conclusion that you may never find a nice American Catholic guy…Keep praying to St.Raphael.You are 20 only …Lets say you pray for 5yrs-(It may sound too lengthy a period but in the bigger scheme of things it might be nothing).It will be better than marrying a bad guy soon and bear him for the rest of your life:
Last yr I prayed to St.Raphael for friends and I was immediately led to a prayer group and I have some good acquaintances from that prayer group for almost an year…(I live in a different country from my native country)…So hang in there.