Are parents owed affection?

[fakename]

I was reading and the Catholic Encyclopedia says that parents as parents are owed affection. But some parents are just hard to put with and that which is a pill is difficult to show affection for.

So are they really owed deep-seated love for having caused your birth?

 

[Irishgal49]

I was reading and the Catholic Encyclopedia says that parents as parents are owed affection. But some parents are just hard to put with and that which is a pill is difficult to show affection for.

So are they really owed deep-seated love for having caused your birth?

Mine aren’t—I think they are talking about the average parents who make their mistakes but they have their children’s best interests at heart.

But abusive parents who deliberately abuse and hurt their children do not deserve respect. All you can do in that case is pray for them. My instructor at college said it best, “Respect is earned.”

 

[fakename]

Mine aren’t—I think they are talking about the average parents who make their mistakes but they have their children’s best interests at heart.

But abusive parents who deliberately abuse and hurt their children do not deserve respect. All you can do in that case is pray for them. My instructor at college said it best, “Respect is earned.”

There are other types of parents too -those who act indifferent but say they love you. After years of this treatment, one becomes a little tired-out. What should we do about this scenario, should we keep our affections for these people?

 

[grasscutter]

I think that with difficult and/or abusive parents our duty is to simply ensure (to the best of our ability) their basic needs, food, shelter, clothing, etc. And we do this regardless of personal feelings in order to obey the commandment. We are not obliged to feel something we don’t. Our actions are a prayer.

 

[I_love_rocks]

So are they really owed deep-seated love for having caused your birth?

love is an action word. We love them sometimes by NOT telling them everything we’re thinking, or reminding them of everything they’ve ever done wrong. We love by being kind to them even when they make steam come out of our ears. We love them by not revealing things about them to others, that would humililate them, disparage their reputation, cause them anxiety, strip them of their human dignity - basically we honor them. When people used to have arranged marriages back in the old days, they weren’t necessarily head over heels in love at first sight. Love grows day by day - through respecting and honoring. The feelings follow, and as demonstrated throughout history. It lasts. So we can apply the same principle to our parents. We respect and honor them. Treat them affectionately, regardless of whether they return it. Regardless of whether we feel like it.If they don’t return it, that’s between them and God if they choose not to love us. But we love them with the Truth. We do not honor them by covering it up when they instruct us in sin, rather than righteousness. But we honor them by telling them privately, not in front of any one else. And in answer to your question above about … because they caused our birth - yup. But much more importantly - because we are either loving and obeying God when we love and obey - for minors, submit for adults… as in … St. Paul - in all things, submit yourselves, one to another…) them, or conversely if we belittle them, intimidate them, dishonor them - we have done this to the Lord our God, as He alone places all in every position of authority and establishes the peace of the nations.

 

[Tantum_ergo]

God has affection for all of us. . .even the abusive (who were often abused themselves), the unloveable, the hateful, mean and cruel. . .because He knows they were created in His image too and as long as they live they can repent and change. . .

Aren’t we called to be perfect as Our Heavenly Father is perfect?

 

[MaryTeresa2]

The commandment is to honor thy father and mother. Affection is a feeling, one can’t create a feeling that doesn’t exist but one can honor their parents with due respect as they deserve. This may be, in some cases, honor only for having cooperated with God in giving life to you.

I had great love and affection for my father and still honor his memory. I never was able to feel that way for my mother, due to her behavior to wards me even as a young child. I do still honor her. My father died suddenly, leaving me to care for my mother as I’m an only child. My mother was always a difficult person, more so now as she has Alzheimer’s. A dear priest/confessor told me that I owe my mother a happy death. I am making sure that I do that for her and I pray for her always. It has cost me so far, 15 yrs of sacrificing my own choices for my life, yet it has given me the opportunity to serve.

I devoted myself to Our Blessed Mother and sought her intercession. Therein lies the grace and strength needed to make this my service for my mother and for Jesus in turn. It also opened doors for me to make great strides in genuine love for my mother. I’d not have it any other way.

The flip side of the coin is that I have a daughter who leads a completely disruptive, immoral, down right evil lifestyle. She’s denounced God, and all of our family. She’s left the Church and says she’s a wiccan. She’s abandoned her children (the ones she didn’t abort), subjected them to homelessness, lack of education (schooling and religious) and dragged them through numerous affairs with men, all of whom are drug addicts and unemployed. She will lie to our faces, steal from our home and ridicule me for my religious beliefs. She has done every act imaginable to not honor a single person in her family and of course, ultimately herself and God. She is 40 yrs old now and has been this way since her teens. The only times we see her is when she wants something from us.

What do I owe my daughter? I’ve given her life, affection, love, home, help, respect, forgiveness, prayers, education, religious education… and years of welcoming her with open arms… only to have it used, abused and tossed back in my face. Where does a parent draw the line between loving and enabling bad behavior? What about the grandkids we love but never see? We’ve had to ask her not to come around, this to preserve our own sanity and frankly to not be abused.

Are we not owed honor, as we have honored our own parents? Do we owe her an inheritance, to share equally with our son who has always been a good son to us? The prodigal son in the Bible returns and repents, she had never once even said she is sorry for all she has done, let alone repent.

These are rhetorical questions, I have worked and prayed to discover the answers and do my best to live according to God’s Will. It’s still a cross to bear, but I do so more easily when I join my little cross to His Cross.

Maybe there are some insights in this for your questions. Thank you for allowing me to express this.

Blessings to you and may you find the guidance you seek. Ask Mother Mary, she knows everything about family life and sacrifice and never fails to guide you to her Son.

My prayers are with you.

 

[svid2]

We are told to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. If we are to do this, we can love and pray for our parents.

 

[revert_jen]

Much as I hate to argue with the Catholic Encyclopedia, I don’t think it is possible to owe anyone affection. Affection is an emotion and cannot be produced at will.

What the Catechism says is that parents must be treated with respect. Respect is behavior, not an emotion, so it is something that you have control over.

The respect with which parents should be treated is due to their “position” as parents, not due to their behavior. “… This respect has its roots in the fear of God…” (CCC #2217) In extreme circumstances (including abuse, but not “perceived coldness”) I don’t think this respect needs to include any personal contact.

Your best bet is to read the relevant part of the Catechism (2214-2220).

Also, keep in mind that you may not know what goes on in their minds. Even if they don’t appear to be affectionate, they may be doing their best. Also, maybe something in their own upbringing make it difficult for them to display or inspire affection. That doesn’t mean you have to feel affection for them (because like I said, that isn’t in your control), but you could give them the benefit of the doubt, if there is any.

God bless you!

–Jen

 

[Michael19682]

I was reading and the Catholic Encyclopedia says that parents as parents are owed affection. But some parents are just hard to put with and that which is a pill is difficult to show affection for.

So are they really owed deep-seated love for having caused your birth?

Hi. Thanks for posting this thread. As a student of psychology–probably not alone here–I thought of affection in terms of ‘affect’ towards vs. for. I think it’s not necessarily referring in the Encyclopedia to a heartfelt feeling that should exist by law of commandment. It can, for me at least, be understood to begin with one’s affect towards them–a smile, a polite respectful tone of voice, a gesture of love like a hug, an offer to help out in their house, etc. If the fondness or love that should be driving the affect isn’t there, then the important thing is probably to remember that you fulfilled the script like a good son or daughter should who put on Christ with baptism. Affection should follow–very behavioral. Like the dog that got hungry when Pavlov rang the bell. In this case, hug enough, smile enough, help enough, and say you love enough–you probably will feel the fondness eventually if you haven’t already. I love my parents dearly and have had somewhat of the opposite problem. I feel great affection ‘for’ them, but have trouble often showing it ‘towards’ them.

I hope this does not sound dry or unfeeling, but what do they know the difference if you feel a deep rooted love and devotion for them when you hug and smile? If they are wise towards their children, they will probably see value in being honored to the point of these great lengths which are, arguably, more expressive of true love and concern when done in the absence of affect ‘for’. If you have conditioned hostility for your parent(s) but can still muster enough affect towards them to show honor and respect, that’s amazing grace for you and them.

In sum, if the affect does come easily, that’s a grace in itself; if it takes effort to show affect, that’s amazing grace. Look at Christ’s affect on the cross–arms spread out in embrace of the world, head tilted in gesture of a kiss. I once heard a priest comment that he regarded as penance having to shake hands publicly with someone who was very disreputable in the community.