Are some people inherently lonely

[traillius]

Some people, including myself, seem to be meant to be partially disconnected from everyone. This is my opinion anyway. Thoughts?

 

[Cat]

No.

Loneliness is a mindset and a lifestyle that is learned. Childhood and teenaged experiences have a lot to do with this.

Children learn anti-social habits from their parents or other adults, and don’t even realize that they have these habits that keep others at bay.

Children who are shy have a harder time making and keeping friends, and this can lead to habits that keep them isolated from others. Sometimes these shy children learn to be happy when they alone, but since humans are created to enjoy fellowship, many shy people are very lonely.

Some people have physical or mental conditions that make it harder for them to meet people and make/keep friends. If someone is physically-impaired, e.g., muscular dystrophy, they often find it easier to just stay home. In the same way, if someone has Aspberger’s or some other form of autism, or has some kind of mental illness; e.g., Obsessive-Compulsive disorder, it is off-putting to others, which often leads to being left alone by others who don’t understand the condition.

The best thing you could do is find a counselor that you trust and tell them that you are lonely, and ask them to help you identify the traits that you have developed that keep you from forming relationships with others, and even more important, change the behaviors that keep you lonely.

You can do it. But it’s work and it’s scary. Do it anyway. Being lonely gets worse as you get older.

 

[Hopey]

Some people, including myself, seem to be meant to be partially disconnected from everyone. This is my opinion anyway. Thoughts?

Have you done a temperament test?
The reason I ask is because I am introverted (doubly). Although introverted, I am not lonely tho unless I have other things going on.

 

[lax16]

Some people, including myself, seem to be meant to be partially disconnected from everyone. This is my opinion anyway. Thoughts?

Hello - I think sometimes our disconnect can stem from our moods. I highly recommend the book The Mood Cure for insight into why we feel the way we do and how it affects our life.

Here’s the link amazon.com/Mood-Cure-4-Step-Program-Emotions–Today/dp/0142003646/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1402062385&sr=1-1&keywords=the+mood+cure

 

[pensmama87]

There are natural differences in personality and temperament, sure, and some of those may make people more likely to experience loneliness, but it’s not “inherent.” I am a natural introvert, and I don’t see that as any kind of personality flaw, but that combined with some of my life experiences growing up meant that I did have a harder time learning how to be sociable, which meant that I was lonely sometimes, even when there were things I could have done to remedy that. It just seemed overwhelming to me. But social skills can be learned, and I’m very happy with the balance I have now.

Our society puts a lot of pressure on people to be extroverted, and thinks there must be something wrong with a person who isn’t. But if YOU are happy with the level of social interaction you have and feel fulfilled, then you are not lonely. Loneliness implies a kind of emptiness, a missing something. There are times that it is completely natural to feel lonely (if we are grieving the death of a loved one, for instance), but it shouldn’t be something you feel all of the time. That’s an indication that something is “off,” and I think counseling/life coaching or making some changes are in order.

 

[frobert]

There are natural differences in personality and temperament, sure, and some of those may make people more likely to experience loneliness, but it’s not “inherent.” I am a natural introvert, and I don’t see that as any kind of personality flaw, but that combined with some of my life experiences growing up meant that I did have a harder time learning how to be sociable, which meant that I was lonely sometimes, even when there were things I could have done to remedy that. It just seemed overwhelming to me. But social skills can be learned, and I’m very happy with the balance I have now.

Our society puts a lot of pressure on people to be extroverted, and thinks there must be something wrong with a person who isn’t. But if YOU are happy with the level of social interaction you have and feel fulfilled, then you are not lonely. Loneliness implies a kind of emptiness, a missing something. There are times that it is completely natural to feel lonely (if we are grieving the death of a loved one, for instance), but it shouldn’t be something you feel all of the time. That’s an indication that something is “off,” and I think counseling/life coaching or making some changes are in order.

Good summary and good advice. I too tend to move away from people and have had to fight against my natural impulses. For myself I have found that volunteering for charitable functions and organization was a good way to re-direct my natural tendencies to helping others.

 

[traillius]

points taken. I am going to talk to a doctor about medicine next week. I will also find a counselor. Thank you all for support.

 

[Quill_and_Sword]

If somebody has a disability that makes others judge them quickly, that’s not their fault.

If you’re happy with being lonely, that’s fine.

But if you just can’t seem to make friends, the problem may be with how you act. If you walk into a room expecting to be lonely and have no friends, you put off an air that makes people not want to talk to you. A great piece of advice is to act like who you want to become. If you walk into a room confidently like somebody with a great deal of friends, you will make them.

 

[EasterJoy]

There is almost certainly a biological component to how quickly and deeply a person makes emotional connections with others. To have fewer or less-intense connections with others is not the same as being lonely, however. When someone feels lonely, there is a felt discomfort at connections one believes one wants but does not have.

That is something that can be worked on–even if you are missing a particular someone, you can find ways to cope–but the answer is not just in making more connections. The answer also lies in learning how to cope with the discomfort that you are interpreting as an unmet desire for others. It may be that at least part of what you are experiencing is an inner hunger for the beatific vision, not a hunger for what ordinary human contact is actually capable of giving you.

This idea was famously articulated by Blaise Pascal:
“There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every person, and it can never be filled by any created thing. It can only be filled by God, made known through Jesus Christ.”

 

[Kal2012]

There are natural differences in personality and temperament, sure, and some of those may make people more likely to experience loneliness, but it’s not “inherent.” I am a natural introvert, and I don’t see that as any kind of personality flaw, but that combined with some of my life experiences growing up meant that I did have a harder time learning how to be sociable, which meant that I was lonely sometimes, even when there were things I could have done to remedy that. It just seemed overwhelming to me. But social skills can be learned, and I’m very happy with the balance I have now.

Our society puts a lot of pressure on people to be extroverted, and thinks there must be something wrong with a person who isn’t. But if YOU are happy with the level of social interaction you have and feel fulfilled, then you are not lonely. Loneliness implies a kind of emptiness, a missing something. There are times that it is completely natural to feel lonely (if we are grieving the death of a loved one, for instance), but it shouldn’t be something you feel all of the time. That’s an indication that something is “off,” and I think counseling/life coaching or making some changes are in order.

Agree 100% with this.

Some people like being busy, busy, busy. Always interacting with people, etc. However, sometimes people do this because they don’t want to deal with the fact that they are lonely and are trying to fill a void.

It’s all about finding balance and what works for you. I like being out and about, but I also need downtime at home.

Sometimes people really aren’t what they seem to be on the outside.

 

[bsf]

Agree 100% with this.

Some people like being busy, busy, busy. Always interacting with people, etc. However, sometimes people do this because they don’t want to deal with the fact that they are lonely and are trying to fill a void.

It’s all about finding balance and what works for you. I like being out and about, but I also need downtime at home.

Sometimes people really aren’t what they seem to be on the outside.

The bolded part describes a condition the late Clark E. Moustakas coined “loneliness anxiety” in his book Loneliness.

traillius, I have recommended that book numerous times here, but I doubt anyone has actually read it. I personally found it helpful when I was trying to understand my own loneliness. It can be a bit difficult to read though, in that it prompts considerable introspection. Note, I consider it a secular work, and I feel a proper understanding of loneliness should also incorporate Catholic teachings.

 

[Luvz2travel]

Some people, including myself, seem to be meant to be partially disconnected from everyone. This is my opinion anyway. Thoughts?

Very true I’ve always been a bit of a loner myself and enjoy being with and doing things with people but I seem to lack whatever skill it takes to really connect with others on a deeper lever sometimes or they see something lacking in me I guess. I have a lot of aquaintances but no real friends. I keep myself busy and try not to dwell on it but life can be a bit lonely at times.

 

[Cackles]

Some people, including myself, seem to be meant to be partially disconnected from everyone. This is my opinion anyway. Thoughts?

Often Autism or a personality disorder like Scitzoid is responsible. Or maybe you’re a very good person and in todays world you dont have a lot in common with others. Maybe you dont like 3rd Rock.

But both disorders are from Gods working so you were meant to have these. It’s part of what makes all of us different.

(Of course, in an unusually credentialized society where our success is determined by paper credentials, we are now all under the pressure to fit a certain, single mold so differences are increasingly less acceptable. What’s desired in this day and age are for everyone to be Autistic and math minded.).

 

[Anglewannabe]

I know that I need a very high level of connectedness to feel close to someone. I have often considered some people to be aquaitances because I felt disconnected from them only to find out, they considered me a good friend. Being capable of sharing at a deep level, I couldn’t understand other people aren’t. I had to come to realize different people have different ideas of what a close friend is.

I still prefer to share at a deep level, but I don’t automatically assume someone is not a friend if they can’t. I try to appreciate what people can give me instead of focusing on what they can’t.

I only make this as a suggestion, only you know if it is applicable to your situation.

Regardless, this is something that can be offered up to God. Only he can really help you understand

 

[Kurisu35712]

I view loneliness as nearly as much of a perception thing as it is environmental. I went through a few years in elementary to middle school where I didn’t really feel like I had any close friends left, and while I was did feel sad and kind of unwanted, I learned how to spend my time and enjoy myself by myself. I have a lot more of a social life now than I did when I was younger, but I still find myself needing alone time, if only to think.

That being said, if I ever find myself feeling any kind of despair from being alone, it always helps me to remember that the God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, Mary, my Guardian Angel, the Saints, and the saints are all there for me. We can’t necessarily see them, but I always feel some measure of peace just remembering that, even if I feel alone, they’re all there rooting for me. It’s a comforting thought.

 

[dedo]

You are probably normal.

Some people are better at forming connections / relationships with others. I am not very good at it either.

You could try a sport / activity where you interact with others as a way to meet people.

A common interest goes a long way toward building bridges with others.

Good luck.

 

[kb360]

Something for you (if you haven’t already seen this):

youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

 

[otjm]

points taken. I am going to talk to a doctor about medicine next week. I will also find a counselor. Thank you all for support.

If I could make a suggestion, I would reverse the order, and speak with a counselor first.

Why? If you have a medically treatable condition (for example, depression), you are going to end up with some psychotropics, and they may be able to treat the issue, but may have little or nothing to do with the issue of integrating with others. There are levels of issues such as depression; some levels are disabling; others are a bummer, but you can soldier through, and some are just a grey cloud. But an MD is likely to treat them all with meds; and the result may not have anything to do with the issue you are writing about.

I mention depression because some of the meds for it basically leave you in a position of having CRS, and if you can’t remember, there is nothing to be depressed about - with the possible exceptions that you can’t remember, and your life takes on a (bleak) monotone.

 

[bsf]

It has been a few days since the OP, traillius, has responded. I hope the OP is doing well.

However, I suggest that some disagree with the following statement, especially the bolded part.

If I could make a suggestion, I would reverse the order, and speak with a counselor first.

Why? If you have a medically treatable condition (for example, depression), you are going to end up with some psychotropics, and they may be able to treat the issue, but may have little or nothing to do with the issue of integrating with others. There are levels of issues such as depression; some levels are disabling; others are a bummer, but you can soldier through, and some are just a grey cloud. But an MD is likely to treat them all with meds; and the result may not have anything to do with the issue you are writing about.

I mention depression because some of the meds for it basically leave you in a position of having CRS, and if you can’t remember, there is nothing to be depressed about - with the possible exceptions that you can’t remember, and your life takes on a (bleak) monotone.

Consider what [Aaron Kheriaty, M.D.]((http://www.catholic.com/profiles/dr-aaron-kheriaty) wrote about depression in The Catholic Guide to Depression (p.28).

One of the reasons it is important to get an evaluation form a psychiatrist, or at least a primary care physician, is that several medical illnesses can have signs and symptoms that look a lot like depression. A psychotherapist or counselor who is not medically trained may mistake another medical illness for depression and thus miss the correct diagnosis and approach to treatment. A common example is hypothyroidism (low levels of thyroid hormone, which regulates many metabolic functions). This can present with low energy, weight gain, fatigue, and other symptoms similar to depression. Other medical conditions, such as anemia and vitamin deficiencies, should be ruled out by an appropriate medical evaluation before making a diagnosis of depression. This sometimes requires a physical examination, lab tests, or other medical tests to rule out a general medical condition that mimics depression.

 

[otjm]

It has been a few days since the OP, traillius, has responded. I hope the OP is doing well.

However, I suggest that some disagree with the following statement, especially the bolded part.

Consider what [Aaron Kheriaty, M.D.]((http://www.catholic.com/profiles/dr-aaron-kheriaty) wrote about depression in The Catholic Guide to Depression (p.28).

One of the reasons it is important to get an evaluation form a psychiatrist, or at least a primary care physician, is that several medical illnesses can have signs and symptoms that look a lot like depression. A psychotherapist or counselor who is not medically trained may mistake another medical illness for depression and thus miss the correct diagnosis and approach to treatment. A common example is hypothyroidism (low levels of thyroid hormone, which regulates many metabolic functions). This can present with low energy, weight gain, fatigue, and other symptoms similar to depression. Other medical conditions, such as anemia and vitamin deficiencies, should be ruled out by an appropriate medical evaluation before making a diagnosis of depression. This sometimes requires a physical examination, lab tests, or other medical tests to rule out a general medical condition that mimics depression.

I am well aware of the differences between MDs and counselors.

I am also aware that too many doctors want to treat everything with a pill. Pills have their place; but they are not the magic bullet. If the problem is not medical, but rather social, then going to an MD is more likely to not answer the problem; and the problem seems to be that the OP does not make friends well.

Last I checked, there is no pill for that.

And it may be there is an issue of mild depression; but that is not necessarily something one needs a pill for.