Are there any single parents out there?

[Aesq]

OutinChgoburbs:

Did I say anything that would make you think otherwise? I think not. In fact, I was a single mother once upon a time, and I can validate that it can be a lonely, exclusionary experience. And I explained how sometimes single moms have to draw up their ranks and get things going for themselves.

So again…WITH WHOM ARE YOU ANGRY, DEAR?

I said another poster. I did not say you. Why did you think that? I am probably a little to old for you to be calling dear (only my parents or people their age generally call me that and unless you are around 70 I do not think you qualify) and I do not like to be yelled at either. Look back over the posts here. What I said previously was called “nonsense” by another poster. I do not intend to get into a flame with anyone here so I will not point to a particular person. You are free to look back over the posts yourself.

You asked what I was angry about and I told you. Then you yell at me? Seems a bit odd to me.

 

[Aesq]

OutinChgoburbs:

Did I say anything that would make you think otherwise? I think not. In fact, I was a single mother once upon a time, and I can validate that it can be a lonely, exclusionary experience. And I explained how sometimes single moms have to draw up their ranks and get things going for themselves.

So again…WITH WHOM ARE YOU ANGRY, DEAR?

Additionally, my previous post which you responded to about me being angry was not directed at you. You do not list yourself as being from NY. If I offended you in some way I am sorry. It was not intended. I never intended to direct a post at you unless I quoted your post.

 

[Aesq]

OutinChgoburbs:

Did I say anything that would make you think otherwise? I think not. In fact, I was a single mother once upon a time, and I can validate that it can be a lonely, exclusionary experience. And I explained how sometimes single moms have to draw up their ranks and get things going for themselves.

So again…WITH WHOM ARE YOU ANGRY, DEAR?

You and I seem to be in agreement. The only thing I would add is, let us not forget single fathers as I am one. It is not any easier to be a single father. I have the same child care issues as a single mom. I have the same issues with juggling my child and work and housework and cooking and everything else.

 

[Aesq]

I guess what I am trying to say is that we need to at least acknowlege that as a community we sometimes can make people or groups of people feel excluded. If we do not acknowlege that, we can not fix it. We need to see it, so that we can fix it. However, it may take a lot of work from both sides of any of these situations. I am not trying to blame. I just see the problem and think work needs to be done.

It is great to focus on marriage and family but we do not want to do it to the exclusion of singles and single parents. We do all need to reach out to each other as has been expressed by other posters here. We can not start to reach out to each other if we do not even see the need to do so.

 

[Philena]

I think that there is some shunning of single parents although I don’t believe it is intentional. Although sometimes I get the feeling that married people think that being divorced means that you didn’t try hard enough. And that it may be contagious. And I’m after their husbands. I feel tried, judged, and convicted before I even know that I’m on trial.

 

[vluvski]

Lately I’ve been taking two or three of my young nieces (well, really they’re my fiance’s nieces, not mine yet) to daily Mass on my way home from work. The girls wear dresses, but I look like a total scrag in jeans and a polo- my work attire- and am not wearing my engagement ring since it is a safetly hazard at work. By the time I get off work and can make it to their house to pick them up, I can barely get there in time for the Gospel. Basically, my attire and tardiness make an embarassing combination, and people probably think I’m a total mess. I am still new at the parish, so I get mistaken for a single mom. “Are they yours?”

Now maybe I just don’t read into it that much because I don’t carry that stigma of being a single parent, but most of them mainly just seem excited to see some young people at daily Mass, even if the ‘mom’ looks like she just went rolling in a pile of dirt and can’t get her kids out the door on time… and yes, even if she appears to be a single mom.

I think some of the anti-single-parent sentiment is grossly exaggerated (though not entirely imagined). I have noticed that singles parents tend to band together, divorced and remarried families hang together, and happily married families have their group, too. My parents, married once and forever, have a handful of friends who were or have since divorced, some who have remarried, and others who for one reason or another are single parents, but they do tend to do more things with other married or remarried couples. I think it’s more of a draw to commonality than a purposeful exclusion- kind of like black people tend to all sit at the same table in the lunchroom.

 

[shannin]

Philena:

I’m a single parent of three teenagers. This is both a joy and a challenge. Are there any other single parents out there?

If you aren’t a single parent, how do you feel about them? Do you think that they should have tried harder in their marriage? Do you socialize with single parents? Do you ever invite a single parent family over for dinner?

I love the Catholic faith, but being a part of the Catholic Church in parish life is hard on single parents.

Hi Philena:wave: ,
I was divorced when my two daughters were in kindergarten and first grade. Your feelings are not nonsense.

What I decided to do was get my daughters involved in Catholic Daughters and I volunteered to be their leader. Soon, we were going on week-end camping trips, baking cookies, going on field trips, etc. You are going to have to make some effort to get involved.

Both of my daughters are now out of college, married and each have two children. My youngest daughter just obtained her second Masters Degree. They both have wonderful husbands. I look back on the years as a single mother as very happy years even though at the time they were very hard.

Start making the first move - invite people to your house for dinner, volunteer at your parish, get involved in school. **You will become a very strong woman. **

Many Blessings,
Shannin

 

[Aesq]

Philena:

I think that there is some shunning of single parents although I don’t believe it is intentional. Although sometimes I get the feeling that married people think that being divorced means that you didn’t try hard enough. And that it may be contagious. And I’m after their husbands. I feel tried, judged, and convicted before I even know that I’m on trial.

I would agree that it is not an intentional thing. It does happen though. It can be very difficult to interact with couples when you are a single parent. I have several friends who are married and we and our children interact together. However, most of those couples I knew and hung out with before I was divorced.

I have to say that I did not convert until after my divorce and I truly believe that other demoninations do a better job at times of welcoming single parents. If we as the Church are going to bring single parents into the Church, we must make strides to change how welcoming we are. We can not simply say that the single parent is responsible for working to become a part of parish life. We must work to make them a part. If we do not, we will possibly see Catholic single parents leave for other denominations or not see as many converts as we could. The issues of exclusion are in all demoninations. It is just sometimes a little more pronounced in the Catholic Church. We need to strive to correct this. We should be reaching out in love to persons in all conditions of life and striving to bring them to the Church.

 

[jrabs]

Aesq:

I said another poster. I did not say you.

I am that poster - and I sincerely apologize. Really, from the bottom of my heart.

I reread all posts above and do not find anyone assuming anything about you. But life is exactly what you make it. Not how you wish it could be and that is is different than what you expected it to be- but what you make of your circumstances.

I’ll bet dollars to donuts that the majority of folks in your parish do not judge you. You may think that, but reality may in fact be different unless you have done something to offend a vast majority of folks. I am sure that is NOT the case as you seem like a kind soul.

But when I joined parish council and got active in social events - all people were thrilled to have me there regardless of marital standing.

Please consider that we are merely offering you suggestions on how to overcome your feelings of isolation.

God Bless you in your attempts at reaching out.

 

[shannin]

Hi again
I want to say one other thing to all of you young single mothers. I know firsthand how hard it can be at times. Many times I felt lonely and frustrated. At first I felt like a “social reject” because my former married friends stopped inviting me to social functions. I remember feeling awkward in Church because everyone seemed to be married. I eventually made new friends (true friends) and made an effort to get involved in Church, school and joined a singles support group. Like JRAB said - YOU must make the effort.
I don’t want to give any you more advice because it sounds to me as though you’re all trying to do the right thing. I just want to offer you my prayers and support. Being a single working mom is one of the hardest things to be but, trust me, it all pays off in the end. You will have such respect from your adult children and you will receive special blessings from God.

Many blessings,
Shannin

 

[Aesq]

jrabs:

I am that poster - and I sincerely apologize. Really, from the bottom of my heart.

Please don’t worry about it. I am sorry as well. I am quite certain I overreacted a bit. I have been in the middle of a major criminal trial all week, trying to get some drug manufacturers off the street. Very little sleep, lots of work, trying not to look too stressed or overworked in front of my child. I am sure you can relate.

It is not really a feeling of being judged. I really do not feel that way. It is more excluded. It is just hard for people to relate I think. Also, being a small parish in an anti-Catholic part of the country means that there are very few single parents and single adults in either parish we have locally. As a result, basically all of the programs within the parish are geared toward other populations within the Church. Attempts to get programs going for singles and single parents have been a failure. I think it is also difficult at times for lifetime Catholics to relate very well to divorced single parents. I really do not feel there is anyone intentionally excluding me or any other single parent in the parish. It is more of a subtle systemic issue. We just need to do a better job of reaching out to single adults and single parents both within and without the Church.

 

[jrabs]

Aesq:

. Very little sleep, lots of work, trying not to look too stressed or overworked in front of my child. I am sure you can relate.

been there. In fact I was there last night all stressed out!

God Bless you in what you do.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Aesq:

You and I seem to be in agreement. The only thing I would add is, let us not forget single fathers as I am one. It is not any easier to be a single father. I have the same child care issues as a single mom. I have the same issues with juggling my child and work and housework and cooking and everything else.

No it isn’t, yes they do, and yes they ARE forgotten. This is why I included them in my idea for all of you single parents to try to change things if things weren’t changing in your parishes.

And I am a grandmother (a young one, but that’s something somebody else makes you), so I tend to “dear” and “sweetie” people. I’ve always “honeyed” everybody.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Philena:

And that it may be contagious.

I think that is their biggest fear. “He/ She seems so normal. If it could happen to him/ her, could it happen to me?”

 

[gmarie21]

I know that this is a couple of months later, but hey, maybe this will come to the front of the list so that men and women in our situation will see this. I am a single mother of a 1 1/2 year old, and I do think that some members of parishes do not “get it” when talking with single parents. All of us are hopefully from very open pro-life Catholic churches. Even though your children are older, maybe you can start Project Gabriel at your parish as an outreach to women in unwed/high risk pregnancies. Yes, you didn’t start out raising your children on your own, but you know the challenges involved. That is a great way to get single parents into your parish also.

Let me tell you my experience. I have never been married and have had to correct the few in my parish who thought that I was married to my daughter’s father (wearing my grandma’s ring on my ring finger b/c it doesn’t fit any other finger). When my daughter was an infant I really didn’t get involved beyond Mass attendance. As she became older (7 mo.) I began to take her to Eucharistic Adoration with me. Now I am a permanent adorer two hours per week and am a pm coordinator. I have received nasty comments from one particular woman both after mass and a few months later in Adoration, but have come to find out that she has issues with the littlest things (if the flowers are not arranged as she would like, she complains). And recently during my hour a man came in and started huffing and puffing as my daughter was just walking around the chapel and kissing all the crosses on the pew. However, these bad experiences are few and far between and probably upset me more than they should.

If my daughter can come with me, I will volunteer with the parish in any way I can help. People know that that is my one condition and they understand. I do come from a very involved pro-life parish (we are sponsors for a Catholic women’s crisis pregnancy center and have many members who pray outside the local abortion clinic, not to mention we have a pro-life ministry and Project Gabriel).

My best advice is to look into any pro-life organizations at your parish. If there isn’t one, start one. The people who want to be involved in pro-life are more than accepting of single parents and they treat you with respect and actually care about you and feed you the adult conversation that you need, not to mention a few will probably invite you and your family over or suggest that you all go out to the park or wherever sometime.

I would love to see more Catholic single parents contacting this site for support.

Peace in Christ,
Gina

 

[LeahInancsi]

jrabs:

I say this is nonsense. I am a single parent of a 9 and 12 yr old. with little to no help with the kids . You are as active as you chose to be!

You are very fortunate, but you cannot judge other people by yourself. Not very charitable.

It is very hard for some and those around them should be supportive. It’s been hard enough to get myself into the Catholic church as a single person, I can’t imagine what it would be like for a single parent.