Are there degrees of 'Honor your Mother & Father'?

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nr1985

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Hi all,

I’d be interested to get your views on the ‘Honor your Mother & Father’ commandment.

I raised this in a previous thread, and someone noted that it was interesting that breaking the commandments is a mortal sin- but are there ‘degrees’ of breaking the Honor your Mother & Father commandment; i.e. can one approach the point where it is definitively broken?

I have a situation where I am trying to respect my parents, but they have tested me severely, and my wife, too. We are currently maintaining a distance from them. We do live 100 miles away, so it’s quite easy, but they’ve caused us a lot of upset.

I my position, letting my parents in strains my marriage. No children yet…but I want to try to set boundaries regardless, as I don’t want kids to have to encounter my parent’s lack of respect for us.

In trying to protect my marriage, my spouse, and be a good husband, provider, etc; how culpable am I in maintaining distance? My priest says to visit occasionally for a short time, but keep my wife away for now until she is more comfortable and I have smoothed things out.

Problem is, they don’t see they have ever done anything wrong. Everything I have raised has gone in one ear and out the other. We should be playing happy families, and I’m not playing ball…
 
This is the exact situation we were in 6 months ago since we got married. Total years we had to deal with this issue were 3 and a half. Sadly my Inlaws wouldn’t change their behavior or accept their wrong doings no matter what we tried. Then we got pregnant and still they wouldn’t change knowing I guess that we would anyways need their help and we will never put distance between us. But, we summoned up our courage and told them no thank you. They did not get to see their grandchild Sisnce he was born and suddenly it dawned on them that their actions have severe repercussions and as more time passed and they didn’t hear anything but formal telephone calls,slowly they came forward and apologized. Things are ok ok at the moment but we have severe trust issues.
don’t mistake the above as revenge, but truly we tried everything, and we couldn’t let our child also get hurt. Some families are sadly so dysfunctional that one can’t help but keep distance. Three priests told us to keep distance.

I hope things work out for you, it can be so hard to deal with difficult family members.
 
It is difficult to know what you are talking about without more detail. “Honor” means respect, it does not mean that adults must obey their parents. Honoring parents does not mean allowing them to disrespect your wife. You should try to stay in touch with them and visit occasionally. You should be quite clear and honest with them about behavior requirements if they want to see your wife and future children.
 
If one finds it hard, or it is impossible, to honour our natural parents then honouring our Father and Mother in Heaven is another way of fulfilling this commandment.
 
Sometimes honoring your parents is doing just what you are doing. It doesn’t mean exposing yourself to dysfunction and the hurtful behavior of people who don’t acknowledge your view of being hurt.

Good luck with your situation.
 
ChurchSoldier said:
Sometimes honoring your parents is doing just what you are doing. It doesn’t mean exposing yourself to dysfunction and the hurtful behavior of people who don’t acknowledge your view of being hurt.

Good luck with your situation.
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Right. There’s also the fact that, while they’re responsible for their behavior, you aren’t doing them any favors by giving them the opportunity to treat you or your wife badly.

My parents are extremely abusive and dysfunctional. My confessor–a very conservative and traditional priest, for the record–told me to pray for my mother, but to go ahead and cut contact because nothing good was coming out of our relationship, and in a way I was giving her the opportunity to sin against me by setting up the same scene over and over again. (I.e., I’d do the “right” thing by calling/emailing/what-have-you, and she’d stomp all over me/violate boundaries right, left, and center.) I have since extended this to my father. I deserve better than that, and my husband and daughter do, too. In this case, I’m honoring them by treating them like adults who have natural consequences for poor behavior, rather than like over-protected children.
 
nr1985 said:
Hi all,

I’d be interested to get your views on the ‘Honor your Mother & Father’ commandment.
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Instead of asking the question, “Are there degrees?” it might be more useful to ask from the perspective of what is intended by honoring. And likewise we should know what does not honor parents.

The parents don’t have the final say about what honoring means. God decides.

The most important way adults honor their parents is by making sure their needs are met. In first world countries we tend to think that parents should have planned for their own retirement or that the government should provide for it but from God’s standpoint, children owe it to their parents to provide for them. (That doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with parents taking care of their own needs or accepting government benefits.)

With some parents it is better that children accept this responsibility from a distance. In fact, if the parents are behaving in a destructive, cruel, evil way, then it may be giving honor to the parents by staying away and making it harder for the parents to continue to do harm. Enabling a parent to hurt others is not honoring them.
 
friardchips said:
If one finds it hard, or it is impossible, to honour our natural parents then honouring our Father and Mother in Heaven is another way of fulfilling this commandment.
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…and so you could pray to your Father and Mother in Heaven for your natural Father and Mother on earth. And in the meantime, just being kind about them and not dishing dirt to the people you know even if they have hurt you, and hoping they are well, can be honouring them - prayer can give you the right, peaceful, Christ-centred, disposition.
 
Honoring doesn’t mean letting them walk all over you and your wife.

Simple disagreements are one thing. Them doing something to undermine your marriage relationship is another.

Take it to a trusted priest.
 
Hard to answer since we don’t have examples. If your parents are trying to run your life, even from a distance, you don’t have to accept that. You can be civil to them, help them out if they are in need, but once you are an adult with your own household they don’t get to call the shots.
 
God bless you all for these replies so far; I’ll remember you all in my prayers, especially those who have had similar issues. I really appreciate your advice- thank you.
 
UbiCaritas said:
Right. There’s also the fact that, while they’re responsible for their behavior, you aren’t doing them any favors by giving them the opportunity to treat you or your wife badly.

My parents are extremely abusive and dysfunctional. My confessor–a very conservative and traditional priest, for the record–told me to pray for my mother, but to go ahead and cut contact because nothing good was coming out of our relationship, and in a way I was giving her the opportunity to sin against me by setting up the same scene over and over again. (I.e., I’d do the “right” thing by calling/emailing/what-have-you, and she’d stomp all over me/violate boundaries right, left, and center.) I have since extended this to my father. I deserve better than that, and my husband and daughter do, too. In this case, I’m honoring them by treating them like adults who have natural consequences for poor behavior, rather than like over-protected children.
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Well said.
 
nr1985 said:
Hi all,

I’d be interested to get your views on the ‘Honor your Mother & Father’ commandment.

I raised this in a previous thread, and someone noted that it was interesting that breaking the commandments is a mortal sin- but are there ‘degrees’ of breaking the Honor your Mother & Father commandment; i.e. can one approach the point where it is definitively broken?

I have a situation where I am trying to respect my parents, but they have tested me severely, and my wife, too. We are currently maintaining a distance from them. We do live 100 miles away, so it’s quite easy, but they’ve caused us a lot of upset.

I my position, letting my parents in strains my marriage. No children yet…but I want to try to set boundaries regardless, as I don’t want kids to have to encounter my parent’s lack of respect for us.

In trying to protect my marriage, my spouse, and be a good husband, provider, etc; how culpable am I in maintaining distance? My priest says to visit occasionally for a short time, but keep my wife away for now until she is more comfortable and I have smoothed things out.

Problem is, they don’t see they have ever done anything wrong. Everything I have raised has gone in one ear and out the other. We should be playing happy families, and I’m not playing ball…
Click to expand...
Catholic Encyclopedia has: Theologians find their criterion for determining the grievousness of the sin of disobedience by scrutinizing the command given as well as the matter with which it is concerned. They say that the offence is then to be rated as mortal when the communication of the parental will takes the form of a real precept given in earnest and not merely a counsel or exhortation. They further require that this behest should have to with something important. There is no hard and fast rule to gauge the gravity of the matter in which an infraction of the duty of obedience will become a mortal sin.
newadvent.org/cathen/11478c.htm

Baltimore Catechism:Q. 1257. What is the fourth Commandment?
A. The fourth Commandment is: Honor thy father and thy mother.

Q. 1258. What does the word “honor” in this commandment include?
A. The word “honor” in this commandment includes the doing of everything necessary for our parents’ spiritual and temporal welfare, the showing of proper respect, and the fulfillment of all our duties to them.

Q. 1259. What are we commanded by the fourth Commandment?
A. We are commanded by the fourth Commandment to honor, love and obey our parents in all that is not sin.

Q. 1260. Why should we refuse to obey parents or superiors who command us to sin?
A. We should refuse to obey parents or superiors who command us to sin because they are not then acting with God’s authority, but contrary to it and in violation of His laws.

Q. 1265. Have parents and superiors any duties toward those who are under their charge?
A. It is the duty of parents and superiors to take good care of all under their charge and give them proper direction and example.

Q. 1266. If parents or superiors neglect their duty or abuse their authority in any particular, should we follow their direction and example in that particular?
A. If parents or superiors neglect their duty or abuse their authority in any particular we should not follow their direction or example in that particular, but follow the dictates of our conscience in the performance of our duty.
 
Some advice I got from a Jewish source:

In the sort of society the ten commandments are written, “honor” means not only to respect, but to bring honor to someone. Part of what honoring our father and mother means is to live in a way that your behavior reflects well on your upbringing. You honor your parents by living as though they brought you up to be a good, godly individual - even if your parents aren’t actually fully cooperating in that venture.
 
It feels like I’m being guilted into seeing them- which is like venturing into the unknown for me just now…or rather- actually- i DO know what it involves. Same old comments and annoyances.

I’m considering a meeting with my father to tell him how we both think, and how we just don’t want to carry on as we have been- that there need to be changes.
I’d ask your prayers that I can sort something out.
 
The commandment of honoring you parents comes with an admonition to the parents as well:

Ephesians 6:1-4 Douay-Rheims said:
1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is just.
2 Honour thy father and thy mother, which is the first commandment with a promise:
3 That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest be long lived upon earth.
4 And you, fathers, provoke not your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and correction of the Lord.
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It is not right that they provoke you to anger and hurt as verse 4 above indicates.

My wife and I went through something similar with her family. They feel entitled to opinions and to make decisions for us about our relationship, children, etc. They are in most ways overstepping authority and abusing their roles as parents, culturally speaking. It was harmful to our marriage because a wedge was formed - they would talk bad about me if I was hesitant or questioning of their involvement. While my wife buy into it it still strained our relationship.

A breaking point came and we confronted them together, set clear boundaries, and told them that they have a choice between respecting those boundaries or having us and our children removed from their lives until they could respect the boundaries. We approached it respectfully and as kindly as we could, explained the harm that they had caused us in our relationship and emphasized that we forgave them. Even with the forgiveness though we had the right to raise our family according to our consciences and would do what we had to do to protect that. I asked them to put themselves in our shoes and how they would feel had their parents done and said the things they had.

In the end, they agreed,and apologized for the harm caused. They have been respectful of us ever since and as result our relationships with them have healed and improved greatly.

Remember the key to disagreement with anyone is to do so with kindness, respect, and forgiveness.
 
nr1985 said:
It feels like I’m being guilted into seeing them- which is like venturing into the unknown for me just now…or rather- actually- i DO know what it involves. Same old comments and annoyances.

I’m considering a meeting with my father to tell him how we both think, and how we just don’t want to carry on as we have been- that there need to be changes.
I’d ask your prayers that I can sort something out.
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I don’t recommend doing such a meeting as they usually don’t end well. (I’m a member on another site where we deal specifically with in-law and family issues; we refer to such meetings as “Come to Jesus” or “CTJ” meetings and they are NOT recommended.) Often an email outlining your expectations tends to work better.
 
Really? I thought a meeting might be a good way to clear the air. I did write a letter once, and it was completely misunderstood!

XuDan -thanks and I will remember you in my prayers that things continue to improve.
 
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