Are you a 100% faithful devout Catholic and totally HAPPY in your mixed faith marriage?

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**Yes, I know there are probably hundreds of mixed faith marriage threads. But a lot of them are speculation. A lot of them have posters claiming that their mixed marriage “works” only to find out later that they have a different definition of “works” (like raising the kids in two faiths, no strong religious presence in the home, etc). Many posts are from people about to enter into a mixed faith marriage and have convinced themselves that it will all be just fine.

So, I would specifically like to know if there are any people here at CAF who are 100% faithful and devout to our Church’s teachings who have a spouse of a different (or no) religion and are totally happy with their marriage (no secret wishes of a shared faith, no trouble instilling the faith in their children etc). Also, the couples who have kids can share how they have made sure that Catholicism is important in the home when both parents do not share the same belief (since part of the teachings are that we raise our children Catholic despite our spouse’s religion).**
**
Please, do not post if you are just going to speculate, or attack. **There are already lots of those threads.

 

[aurora77]

I consider myself a 100% faithful Catholic who is married to a non-practicing protestant. I admit to having tiny twinges every now and again where I wish he would be Catholic. I pray that God will lead him to the Church in His time, not mine, and just leave it up to Him.

I am completely happy in my marriage. My DH is an absolute gift from God and I know without a doubt that he is the man God has chosen for me. I don’t know why He matched me up with a non-Catholic, but I do know that I wouldn’t be the person I am (including the devout Catholic) without my amazing husband.

We don’t have children, so there haven’t been any issues there. Before we married, though, we did talk about religion and any kids we would have and he said (without me prodding, I might add) that families should go to church together, so when we had kids, every Sunday, we’d be at Mass together.

I don’t know if I’ve completely answered your post, but I hope this helps!

 

[Brenda_V]

Malia I was going to say that I was one and then you added in your post

no secret wishes of a shared faith, no trouble instilling the faith in their children etc

I don’t think you are going to get anyone in a mixed faith marriage who doesn’t have a wish of shared faith. That is the only thing in your question that disqualifies me - but you have to know that 30 years ago exactly I was going to Daily Mass (except Saturdays) praying about whether we should be married or not, then one night when I was in my parents finished basement sewing together carpet samples for our first rug I got a strong voice telling me “he will become Catholic” - you have to know that the entire months of November and December I was praying about this and when I got this answer in a real voice I knew that it was right and good that we get married. Has he become Catholic yet? No, I have come to the conclusion that this will happen in God’s time and not mine.

Our children were Baptized and catechized in the Catholic Faith with no fights from their dad. We prayed as a family every evening and for many years we also read from the Bible as part of our bed time routine. Now I have one practicing and one agnostic - they are adults and the gift of Faith was theirs to accept or reject I gave them what I had in the way of instructions and example. I am now in prayer mode for the child who is agnostic.

Now, does that answer your question?

BTW, I tend to stay out of these discussions because of how some are so adamant that I am most likely going to hell because I married a non-Catholic (not in those words but it sure comes across that way).

Brenda V.

 

[jmcrae]

My case is a little different from most, because we were “equally yoked” (of the same religion, and practicing it at the same level as each other) at the time of our wedding.

I converted after we were married.

My marriage is a happy marriage, but yes, I think it would be nice if the rest of them also converted. It would uncomplicate Christmas, for one thing.

 

[aurora77]

BTW, I tend to stay out of these discussions because of how some are so adamant that I am most likely going to hell because I married a non-Catholic (not in those words but it sure comes across that way).

Me, too. I used to post more often on those threads, but the negativity just got to me. I definitely wouldn’t push someone to go into a mixed marriage, especially if they have doubts, but I truly believe in my heart that God, for whatever reason, put DH and I together. Others don’t seem to understand that and want to be condemning of His path for us.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I don’t know if I’ve completely answered your post, but I hope this helps!

**Thank you
**

I don’t think you are going to get anyone in a mixed faith marriage who doesn’t have a wish of shared faith. That is the only thing in your question that disqualifies me - but you have to know that 30 years ago exactly I was going to Daily Mass (except Saturdays) praying about whether we should be married or not, then one night when I was in my parents finished basement sewing together carpet samples for our first rug I got a strong voice telling me “he will become Catholic” - you have to know that the entire months of November and December I was praying about this and when I got this answer in a real voice I knew that it was right and good that we get married. Has he become Catholic yet? No, I have come to the conclusion that this will happen in God’s time and not mine.

Our children were Baptized and catechized in the Catholic Faith with no fights from their dad. We prayed as a family every evening and for many years we also read from the Bible as part of our bed time routine. Now I have one practicing and one agnostic - they are adults and the gift of Faith was theirs to accept or reject I gave them what I had in the way of instructions and example. I am now in prayer mode for the child who is agnostic.

Now, does that answer your question?

BTW, I tend to stay out of these discussions because of how some are so adamant that I am most likely going to hell because I married a non-Catholic (not in those words but it sure comes across that way).

Brenda V.

**Yes, Brenda…that answers it… thank you so much for sharing.
**

My marriage is a happy marriage, but yes, I think it would be nice if the rest of them also converted. It would uncomplicate Christmas, for one thing.

Thank you too

 

[graceandglory]

** But a lot of them are speculation. A lot of them have posters claiming that their mixed marriage “works” only to find out later that they have a different definition of “works” (like raising the kids in two faiths, no strong religious presence in the home, etc). **.

You’ve heard it before:

"Once Catholic, Always Catholic."

I didn’t really get that until I came back to the Church after a failed attempt at a marriage with a protestant.

There were years when it seemed on the outside that it was “happy.” I could be happy almost anywhere. But when it comes right down to it, forced contraception for years in the name of "wives submit yourself to your husband" takes its toll.

It reduced the “marital embrace” to nothing more than what the animals do. I felt like an unpaid prostitute.

I’ve since heard it said that “Contraception makes women make bad choices in marriage partners.” I’d have to agree.

MIL for years (10 yrs before I reverted) tried to break up my attempted marriage. She hated that I was raised Catholic. I was an active involved protestant evangelical when she accused me of trying to catholicize my ex. (To this day, I don’t know what she meant by that)

Some things don’t really become clear until later.

I don’t see how anyone would do this knowing what the ramifications are.

I didn’t know any better.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Some things don’t really become clear until later.

I don’t see how anyone would do this knowing what the ramifications are.

I didn’t know any better.

**
Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut but I fear it will lead us off topic quickly. I know your viewpoint (and share it) as do many others here. And there are as many more who will likely try to “prove” you wrong and I hope that doesn’t happen to this thread.

I honestly want to know if a mixed faith marriage where one is a devout Catholic and the other is not CAN be happy, fulfilling (spiritually), if it works for the children involved, and if it is something that we should advise others to do.**

 

[chrisb]

Grace and Peace,

It can be challenging.

I am an Irish American Catholic in a mixed-race and mixed-faith marriage with my African-American Baptist. We currently have one child (a daughter) who is being raised Catholic but has had it’s challenges but I love my wife and we really make it work. Praise God Almighty.

 

[Mintaka]

I’ve pointed it out before; my parents have been happily married for a gazillion years. Dad’s a UMethodist, and attends both his church and Mass with us. Mom is very Catholic. Dad agreed to have us kids raised Catholic, and he stuck by the agreement without argument.

But in a lot of ways, my dad is more Catholic than a lot of Catholics. He was raised right, believes, and has similar views to my mom on most moral and religious topics. The areas of disagreement are fairly small, and do seem to have gotten smaller over the years. (The first time my dad sang along with a Marian hymn at Mass was only a few years ago! But that sort of thing went totally over my head as a kid; Dad never said a word about having Marian issues until I asked him about it when I was in college.)

So if you have someone non-Catholic who honors his promises as straightforwardly as my dad and is as Christlike, a mixed marriage is not the worst idea in the world.

But it’s probably going to work better if everybody lays down ground rules ahead of time and sticks to them…

 

[Brenda_V]

I’ve pointed it out before; my parents have been happily married for a gazillion years. Dad’s a UMethodist, and attends both his church and Mass with us. Mom is very Catholic. Dad agreed to have us kids raised Catholic, and he stuck by the agreement without argument.

But in a lot of ways, my dad is more Catholic than a lot of Catholics. He was raised right, believes, and has similar views to my mom on most moral and religious topics. The areas of disagreement are fairly small, and do seem to have gotten smaller over the years. (The first time my dad sang along with a Marian hymn at Mass was only a few years ago! But that sort of thing went totally over my head as a kid; Dad never said a word about having Marian issues until I asked him about it when I was in college.)

So if you have someone non-Catholic who honors his promises as straightforwardly as my dad and is as Christlike, a mixed marriage is not the worst idea in the world.

But it’s probably going to work better if everybody lays down ground rules ahead of time and sticks to them…

You got it Mintaka - that describes my marriage right down to the ground rules ahead of time!

Malia, I will say that it takes a special couple who includes God in their Marriage where this will work. Yes, there are problems but like I told you, I have on agnostic child, my sister married a Catholic and neither of her boys go to church or practice the faith so it takes more than just both being Catholic to make it work. I will say though that I won’t recommend to my daughters to marry someone who is not Catholic or for that matter a CINO (Catholic in name only, cultural Catholic).

Rob’s Wife (Martha) is another happily married Catholic to non-Catholic. We exist out here in the real world. I think of Bud Jr. (Pierced by a Sword author) and am reminded that it takes more than both being Catholic for a marriage to work, none of us knows (or needs to know) the details of what happened in that situation but there you have it, what appeared to be a good marriage between two good and practicing Catholics failed - even his wife Bai doesn’t know what happened.

Brenda V.

 

[Phemie]

33 years ago I married a member of the United Church of Canada. We dated for 3 years but had decided to marry 2 weeks after we met. At some point in our relationship I asked “What about children?” “You mean, what religion would they be raised in? Well, I was discussing that with Aunt B. a while ago and she said that they should be raised in the religion of the one who is strongest in his/her faith so that would mean Catholic for us.”

While DH didn’t always accompany us to church, he did come with us any time I was involved in ministry and needed his help with the kids as well as at Christmas, Easter and any time one of the children was doing anything relating to the sacraments.

He learned prayers in French, including the Hail Mary, so that he would be able to help the kids with their prayers on the nights when, for some reason, I wasn’t there to put them to bed.

He now sings in our church choir.

Now, none of our 3 adult children go to church. Is it because we’re in a mixed-marriage? I don’t know but based on what I see in my own immediate family, I doubt it.

My brothers never go to church either and we ate, breathed and slept Catholicism in our devout home. One is an atheist and the other has his own ideas about God and Jesus, ideas that certainly don’t have anything to do with Catholicism. Both think that I’m insane for having ‘brain-washed’ my kids in the same way our parents did.

The youngest has so little respect for our faith that when our 90 year old Dad lived with him in the last year of his life and couldn’t get to Mass, instead of going to Mass and bringing him communion (no, let’s not go into the appropriateness of that practice) he’d go to the local coffee shop and then swing by his office where he kept a bag of ‘hosts’ in his desk, pop one into the pyx and bring that back to Dad. I only discovered that when Dad was on his death bed at the hospital and receiving Communion regularly. Brother thought what he’d done was quite funny. I can’t tell you how saddened I was by that betrayal of Dad.

My 3 cousins, who lived next door to us and were raised exactly as we were in a devout home, no longer practice their Catholic faith either.

I think parents have do their best to pass on their faith to their children but no matter how devout the home, the children will still make their own choice as they become adults and there is no guarantee that a totally Catholic home will reap a different harvest from a mixed-marriage home. Society and peers have more influence in the matter than we would care to admit.

 

[_Jenn]

So, I would specifically like to know if there are any people here at CAF who are 100% faithful and devout to our Church’s teachings who have a spouse of a different (or no) religion and are totally happy with their marriage (no secret wishes of a shared faith, no trouble instilling the faith in their children etc). Also, the couples who have kids can share how they have made sure that Catholicism is important in the home when both parents do not share the same belief (since part of the teachings are that we raise our children Catholic despite our spouse’s religion).
**
Please, do not post if you are just going to speculate, or attack. **There are already lots of those threads.

I’m one. I’m a cradle Catholic married to a non-practicing Lutheran. I don’t secretly wish for him to convert. God brought us together for a reason, and we have a wonderful marriage and together have a wonderful son. I married him for who he is, and have no desire to change him. Our son is being raised Catholic, which my husband has zero issues with. He comes to Mass, sits & talks to our son each week about his CCD class, will ask me questions if he has any, etc.

What we plan on doing is what a lot of people will probably take issue with. Once our son is older, and if he questions anything like why doesn’t Dad go to communion, or anything else, we are going to be 100% honest with him. Dad was baptized Lutheran, he is a Christian man who doesn’t practice in any one particular denomination, but supports ds being raised in the faith I was raised in and practice. And that it doesn’t make he (ds) & I any better than dh, because in the end, we are all Christians who wish to enter heaven someday. What ds chooses to do with that will be his choice, and his alone.

 

[maryjk]

Malia I was going to say that I was one and then you added in your post

**no secret wishes of a shared faith,
**
I don’t think you are going to get anyone in a mixed faith marriage who doesn’t have a wish of shared faith. Brenda V.

I agree. I am one, but for the prayers that my husband becomes a faithful practicing Catholic.

If you walked into our house, you would never know that one of us is not Catholic, not anything.

We have a number of crucifixes, statues and the like. There is a Last Supper in the dining room, a prayer corner in the living room. Each bedroom had a crucifix over the door. We have two holy water fonts, one by the garage door where we go in and out, and one near our son’s bedroom.

We have one child, due to my health issues, but we use NFP. I work at the church, teach CCD and attend Mass with our son every Sunday. (And Holy days.) Our son serves, sometimes, for daily Mass.

My non-Catholic husband will drive me to Mass, if circumstances demand it. You know, illness, injury and the like. He will also take our son if I cannot attend. He reminds me to say grace if I forget. He recently attended a “come and see” Mass, because our son asked him to.

Our son is preparing for Confirmation and asked his Dad if he approved of our son’s choice for a sponsor. It wasn’t our son’s Godfather, who is also my husband’s best friend. My husband approved; the man he chose is a wonderful, faithful man.

So, no, we have no problems being a “mixed” family. Save for the fact that I want him to become a faithful Catholic. We have been married 17 years, tomorrow.

 

[shannyk]

. Save for the fact that I want him to become a faithful Catholic

I think this might leave you out of Malia’s group then…

I don’t want to derail, but I have to wonder, how can a faithful, orthodox Catholic, NOT want their spouse to convert? Do we not pray for the conversion of ALL and wouldn’t that include your spouse, even above and beyond others? I mean yeah, I know that you can want them to do something, and pray for it, and it may not happen, but I guess I can’t understand someone saying they don’t mind or don’t care if their spouse is Catholic or not

I think I would have to wonder if the faithful Catholic who ‘doesn’t mind’ if their spouse is non Catholic, fully understands what it means to be Catholic?

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

I would specifically like to know if there are any people here at CAF who are 100% faithful and devout to our Church’s teachings who have a spouse of a different (or no) religion

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**I’m a Catholic convert. I suppose how faithful or devout depends on others views more than mine. **

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Dh is sorta christian. obviously non-practicing any particuliar denom.

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** and are totally happy with their marriage**

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very happy.
** (no secret wishes of a shared faith**

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I don’t know that this would be a good thing.
I don’t know that I’d consider it good for a marriage for a spouse to not want the non-believing spouse to embrace the one true God and his church, kwim?

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**, no trouble instilling the faith in their children **

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if by “no trouble” you mean my dh supports, permits, and even encourages it - we have no troubles.

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if you mean the kids just soak it up with any troubles. no. I have to be very vigilant. esp now that the boys are getting older and noticing that dad doesn’t participate.

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while in the thick raising them in the faith, I can’t say we have no troubles.

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the real questions is whether they grow into strong catholic adults, troubles or not.

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in my case, the verdict is out on that for some years to come.

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Also, the couples who have kids can share how they have made sure that Catholicism is important in the home when both parents do not share the same belief (since part of the teachings are that we raise our children Catholic despite our spouse’s religion).

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homeschooling helps, our entire curriculum in some touches faith in various ways, only a few obviously.

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simple things in daily life make a far bigger impact than people think
grace before meals. a rosary the baby teethes on, art, the books we read…

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just this morning the 4 yr old asked if he could play with Jesus - one of those little 3 inch plastic statues

 

[Alix1912]

First of all, I’m not sure there is anyone, anywhere who can be100% faithful to a religion, we are a fallen world, and 100% faithfulness would require perfection. I also don’t believe that anyone’s marriage is TOTALLY 100% of the time Happy.

That being said, my husband is catholic and I would argue fairly faithful, and our marriage has been good for the most part. We have struggled a lot with the Interfaith Marriage question and in response have discussed and studied both faiths a lot. It has lead to a deeper understanding in Christ for both of us.

Will we continue to struggle in our married faith journey? Absolutely. I think even two Catholics married to each other will have struggles in faith.

I think what you are looking for is people to tell you that a 100% happy marriage in the situation you have laid out requires the protestant spouse to practice their religion alone and separate from the family. That might work in a case where the protestant spouse is not as strong in their faith, but in my husband’s and my case it is not an acceptable solution.

I think the happy solution is exactly what you were questioning above; you have to make a solution that works for your specific situation. Basically, you do have to figure out what “works” for your family.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**Thank to all who have shared so far…

About the secret desire that the other spouse converts. You have shown me that there is a right and wrong way to go about this. Yes I believe that a 100% faithful Catholic SHOULD desire their spouse’s conversion. I guess in my OP I was thinking more of the people who let it drive a wedge in the relationship. You know, the ones who’s non-Catholic spouse feels like they aren’t good enough the way they are.

Forgive me if I’ve missed something, but it seems like the general consensus so far is that the marriages tend to work out ok if the other spouse is not strong in his/her own beliefs. Right?**

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

First of all, I’m not sure there is anyone, anywhere who can be100% faithful to a religion, we are a fallen world, and 100% faithfulness would require perfection. I also don’t believe that anyone’s marriage is TOTALLY 100% of the time Happy.

**
Ok, let me clarify. By 100% faithful I meant it as in 100% committed to following the teachings of the Church, not perfection in doing so. We are all sinners… the 100% faithful ones know when they have made a mistake, confess, and try to do better.

As for 100% happy with the marriage, I meant only in the context of faith. Happy in the way that they would recommend (or at least not dissuade others) to do what they did. That the difference in faith doesn’t cause ongoing arguments or dissatisfaction or a feeling of “if only things were different”. Basically no feelings of having had to compromise your beliefs/values or those of your children.
**

 

[SMHW]

Thank to all who have shared so far…

I hadn’t posted so far because I am in what started as a mixed marriage but my husband eventually converted. But I’m jumping in now.

About the secret desire that the other spouse converts. You have shown me that there is a right and wrong way to go about this. Yes I believe that a 100% faithful Catholic SHOULD desire their spouse’s conversion. I guess in my OP I was thinking more of the people who let it drive a wedge in the relationship. You know, the ones who’s non-Catholic spouse feels like they aren’t good enough the way they are.

I think that’s very well said.

Forgive me if I’ve missed something, but it seems like the general consensus so far is that the marriages tend to work out ok if the other spouse is not strong in his/her own beliefs. Right?

I think you are generally correct here. I think both spouses have to have the same general morals and (non-religious) values. But I think things tend to work best when practices that are peculiar to a particular faith/sect/denomination are only important to one spouse… in the case of this thread, the Catholic practices.