Are you a 100% faithful devout Catholic and totally HAPPY in your mixed faith marriage?

[jmcrae]

It seems as if those who are making it work in mixed marriages have completely obliterated the self-expression of the non-Catholic spouse. For example, one person says, You would never know there was a non-Catholic in the house. His self-expression has been completely obliterated from the family. He censors himself for the sake of the children.

Is that really healthy? Obviously, it’s the way things have to be, but from the point of view of the non-Catholic (who most likely believes that his religion is the True Religion, or else he would not be a non-Catholic) it must be very painful for him to have to hide his faith all the time, and not be allowed to express himself at home.

 

[SeekerJen]

**
Forgive me if I’ve missed something, but it seems like the general consensus so far is that the marriages tend to work out ok if the other spouse is not strong in his/her own beliefs. Right?**

I think so. I’m sure it can work in some instances where the non-Catholic spouse is strong in his or her faith practice, but I imagine that the difficulties must be exponentially increased.

I’m a cradle/revert Catholic. My husband was baptized and raised in the Congregational church but is non-practicing at this point. My faith and its practice was a non-negotiable. He knows that if we are ever blessed with children, they will be baptized and raised Catholic- no exceptions. He’s spent enough time at my parish to be fine with this. I’m ashamed to admit that we used artificial birth control when we were first married, but when I had a Damascus moment he was fine with learning NFP. Turns out we don’t need it as we’re naturally infertile, and he is also against using immoral artificial methods to conceive (we’re hoping and planning for adoption). He is as adamant as I am that divorce is not an option for us unless one of us becomes abusive (and then we’d have to re-examine the issue).

In short, my husband is more “Catholic” than many Catholics. I do wish he would convert- it would connect us on yet another level. But I appreciate that we are honest and respectful of each other’s beliefs and practices.

 

[Lady_Of_Victory]

**Yes, I know there are probably hundreds of mixed faith marriage threads. But a lot of them are speculation. A lot of them have posters claiming that their mixed marriage “works” only to find out later that they have a different definition of “works” (like raising the kids in two faiths, no strong religious presence in the home, etc). Many posts are from people about to enter into a mixed faith marriage and have convinced themselves that it will all be just fine.

So, I would specifically like to know if there are any people here at CAF who are 100% faithful and devout to our Church’s teachings who have a spouse of a different (or no) religion and are totally happy with their marriage (no secret wishes of a shared faith, no trouble instilling the faith in their children etc). Also, the couples who have kids can share how they have made sure that Catholicism is important in the home when both parents do not share the same belief (since part of the teachings are that we raise our children Catholic despite our spouse’s religion).**
**
Please, do not post if you are just going to speculate, or attack. **There are already lots of those threads.

My husband and I have been married for 25 years. Around our 19th year of marriage, we were in a mixed marriage for a short length of time (2 years). We focused on building our relationship based on what we had in common, in union and obedience to the Holy Spirit.

Feanaro’s wife, it helped me tremendously that I had a priest for a Spiritual Director. I rarely met with him, because the little bit of advice he gave to me and attending daily Mass helped me persevere in remembering his counsel and to put my hope in God. ‘‘Live for God.’’

God understood I needed great support. Therefore he sent another priest to me. Fr. Brian Mc. ‘‘aka Fr. BMC.’’ He took my children and I under his wing. We had a lot of ‘‘strong effective holy support.’’

Clearly God imparted to me innumerable graces. Although I greatly struggled and fell numerous times, God helped me be obedient to the advice and direction of my Spiritual Director (Fr. Michael M.). He didn’t put me under strict obedience to his direction, but he was very firm with me. He gave me very clear direction to discern and understand to, resign my will to God’s most holy Will, as a love offering for Him . .

It was my responsibility as a Catholic mother to teach my children the faith of the holy Catholic Church. Quietly I taught them the faith.

I have a choice to get my husband upset or to not get him upset. If sharing my faith gets him upset - because I love him - I choose to remain quiet…

As a result of adhering to the direction of my holy priest’s advice, my docile spirit attracted my husband to me. He noted something was different. Actually my Spiritual Director (Fr. Michael M) was hoping my husband would note my ''before and after conversion difference." Truly Fr. heard the words of the Holy Spirit’s counsel for me . . Within 3 months after I reverted to the holy Catholic Church, my husband told me:* ''Your decision to be a Catholic was the best decision you ever made… ‘’ *

I privately and briefly told my priests my husband’s response after the Holy Mass ended. As a response, they smiled, blushed and firmly shook my hand for a long time. My priests spoke few words, but the few they spoke were amazingly powerful… They echoed Christ’s words. They pointed me to Christ our Lord…

Within two years of being in a mixed marriage and my priest’s sacrifices and prayers, St. Michael the Archangel & Blessed Mother’s intercession, receiving the most holy Eucharist, and the sacrifices offered to God by Catholics for conversion of souls, almost my entire family converted to the Catholic Church.

One son did not convert.

He is open to praying a Hail Mary. He likes Blessed Mother . . .

A blessed green scapular hangs in his room. The green scapular prayers and our faith in union with God and the whole Church (the Church Militant, The Church Suffering and The Church Triumphant) are very powerful, Mrs. Feanaro.

Their prayers move the Heart of the Father.

Their prayers attract an unbelieving soul to believe, *believe in the Gentle Hearts of Jesus and Mary…
*

 

[choose_to_love]

Not to be too personal, but of those who have posted as having the types of marriages the OP described, do you use NFP or some other method of fertility awareness? Are you providentialists, or does one spouse use contraception? I am asking because not many posters addressed this issue (one who was OK w/NFP due to health, one spouse who was OK but couple has fertiity issues), and in our culture, I would think this would be potentially a rather large stumbling block. How is/was this handled in your marriages?

 

[maryjk]

Is that really healthy? Obviously, it’s the way things have to be, but from the point of view of the non-Catholic (who most likely believes that his religion is the True Religion, or else he would not be a non-Catholic) it must be very painful for him to have to hide his faith all the time, and not be allowed to express himself at home.

He doesn’t have a faith. In fact, he was baptized Catholic. But his parents wanted him to choose when he got older. Great plan. So there is no faith to hide.
Feanaro's Wife:

I honestly want to know if a mixed faith marriage where one is a devout Catholic and the other is not CAN be happy, fulfilling (spiritually), if it works for the children involved, and if it is something that we should advise others to do.

So, yes, it can work. Most people would consider me devout. My husband is not Catholic, he is not anything. It works for us. It seems to be working for our child. But that is something I can not be sure of until he is an adult. I do think it would be more difficult if my husband was “something.”

BUT, I would not jump right up and advise others to try this. My husband is a very special person. He is incredibly understanding and supportive.

 

[Alix1912]

Forgive me if I’ve missed something, but it seems like the general consensus so far is that the marriages tend to work out ok if the other spouse is not strong in his/her own beliefs. Right?

I completely disagreed with this statement. My marriage is happy and I am a strong Lutheran. I refuse to believe that to make a interfaith marriage work the non catholic spouse has to surpress and hide their feelings or be non commital to their faith. My husband laughs that it was my strength of faith that helped him rediscover his Catholic faith, and that it was one of the main things that drew him to me.

It seems as if those who are making it work in mixed marriages have completely obliterated the self-expression of the non-Catholic spouse. For example, one person says, You would never know there was a non-Catholic in the house. His self-expression has been completely obliterated from the family. He censors himself for the sake of the children.

Is that really healthy? Obviously, it’s the way things have to be, but from the point of view of the non-Catholic (who most likely believes that his religion is the True Religion, or else he would not be a non-Catholic) it must be very painful for him to have to hide his faith all the time, and not be allowed to express himself at home.

I think that this is the one thing that frustrates me the most about many people’s approach to intrafaith marriage. It especially infuriates me when applied to my situation. My husband was non practicing, and rediscovered his faith about a year after we married. Suddenly all the rules about how our family can function changed, because of a decision he made without my imput at all. Yet, according to many on this board, I am expected to hide my faith away because he rediscovered his. No understanding, no working to find an acceptable solution for both parties.

I ask if your advice would be the same if the life altering decision was say moving overseas for a job. If I came to this board going, my husband has decided to move us overseas without getting my imput, you would all talk about how unfair and unkind what he did was. If I had decided to convert back to the religon of my great grandfather and become Mormon, and change our family over to that religion without consulting my husband, you would cry out for him to resist and fight back, and offer to pray for him, and tell him I was being unfair, and wrong. Yet when I have those same feeling at time, I am the one in the wrong because I’m not Catholic, and then you wonder why I don’t want to convert.

I’m happy my husband has found a renewed faith, and a closer relationship to Christ, and I am supportive of him, but I don’t see the need to sacrifice and hide my faith, simply because he rediscovered his. Thankfully, he has not asked me to, and we constantly work each day to find ways to honor both traditions and each other, and “make it work”.

 

[Alix1912]

Not to be too personal, but of those who have posted as having the types of marriages the OP described, do you use NFP or some other method of fertility awareness? Are you providentialists, or does one spouse use contraception? I am asking because not many posters addressed this issue (one who was OK w/NFP due to health, one spouse who was OK but couple has fertiity issues), and in our culture, I would think this would be potentially a rather large stumbling block. How is/was this handled in your marriages?

I am Lutheran, and I have several friends who are protestant as well, and we are all big believers in NFP. I started using it only about 4 months ago, but I will never regret going off the pill. I am happier, and I feel much better off the pill. I think in a committed marriage NFP is an awesome thing. However, I am not opposed to ABC in the right situations, as long as it prevents conception, and doesn’t harm a fertilized egg.

EXP. I have a friend in the foreign service working in somewhat dangerous and primative 3rd world conditions, she get a treatment once a year that shuts off her ovaries completely for several reasons, one she is in an area where feminie products aren’t exactly what they are here, and there is violence in areas near her. In her situation, I’d probably make the same call.

My aunt is a serious diabetic, she cannot get pregnant because she would die if she did. Her cycles were always erratic at best, and would have been impossible to predict, she had her entire system yanked at a early age to prevent pregnancy and other possible problems. Again in her situation, I’d make the same choice.

For my situation NFP, is the best choice hands down.

 

[Lady_Of_Victory]

Not to be too personal, but of those who have posted as having the types of marriages the OP described, do you use NFP or some other method of fertility awareness? Are you providentialists, or does one spouse use contraception? I am asking because not many posters addressed this issue (one who was OK w/NFP due to health, one spouse who was OK but couple has fertiity issues), and in our culture, I would think this would be potentially a rather large stumbling block. How is/was this handled in your marriages?

Using contraception is at all times an immoral grave evil.

Under no circumstances can using any form of contraception be bent as a rule and excuse to be used by either partner.

If not using contraception results in a pregnancy and frequent miscarriages. Or if the physician tells the mother’s she’s at high risk for death due to another pregnancy and very poor health – let it be.

My priest boldy publicly presented this info:

Using contraception destroys the very core of the woman’s being. God’s ways are better than man’s ways. We can trust Him.

 

[jmcrae]

I completely disagreed with this statement. My marriage is happy and I am a strong Lutheran. I refuse to believe that to make a interfaith marriage work the non catholic spouse has to surpress and hide their feelings or be non commital to their faith. My husband laughs that it was my strength of faith that helped him rediscover his Catholic faith, and that it was one of the main things that drew him to me.

And if children come, there will be a huge battle over how to raise them, I would expect, since I doubt you would want them baptized Catholic; you would (quite naturally, I think) want them to share in your Lutheran faith, but he certainly would feel required to raise them in the Catholic faith.

I think that this is the one thing that frustrates me the most about many people’s approach to intrafaith marriage. It especially infuriates me when applied to my situation. My husband was non practicing, and rediscovered his faith about a year after we married. Suddenly all the rules about how our family can function changed, because of a decision he made without my imput at all. Yet, according to many on this board, I am expected to hide my faith away because he rediscovered his. No understanding, no working to find an acceptable solution for both parties.

I can certainly understand how that would be very annoying and frustrating for you.

I ask if your advice would be the same if the life altering decision was say moving overseas for a job. If I came to this board going, my husband has decided to move us overseas without getting my imput, you would all talk about how unfair and unkind what he did was. If I had decided to convert back to the religon of my great grandfather and become Mormon, and change our family over to that religion without consulting my husband, you would cry out for him to resist and fight back, and offer to pray for him, and tell him I was being unfair, and wrong. Yet when I have those same feeling at time, I am the one in the wrong because I’m not Catholic, and then you wonder why I don’t want to convert.

Oh, absolutely.

I’m happy my husband has found a renewed faith, and a closer relationship to Christ, and I am supportive of him, but I don’t see the need to sacrifice and hide my faith, simply because he rediscovered his. Thankfully, he has not asked me to, and we constantly work each day to find ways to honor both traditions and each other, and “make it work”.

Yes - and it is because being in a mixed marriage is, in fact, more difficult, and ends up being very frustrating for at least one of the two parties to it - unless they go the route of indifferentism - which is also a bad thing …

 

[Phemie]

Using contraception is at all times an immoral grave evil.

Under no circumstances can using any form of contraception be bent as a rule and excuse to be used by either partner.

If not using contraception results in a pregnancy and frequent miscarriages. Or if the physician tells the mother’s she’s at high risk for death due to another pregnancy and very poor health – let it be.

My priest boldy publicly presented this info:

Using contraception destroys the very core of the woman’s being. God’s ways are better than man’s ways. We can trust Him.

You’re lucky you heard this. I’m a Canadian Baby-boomer and the only times I ever heard this addressed by priests they said that it was up to the couple’s conscience and if they had a good reason it was ok. I never looked further – what reason would I have had to?

I used ABC throughout our marriage until DH had a vasectomy after my 5th pregnancy/3rd baby. I would have preferred to avoid the permanent solution because I knew I’d want more kids but I also knew that DH had reached the end of his rope in the children dept so went along with his decision.

 

[Alix1912]

If not using contraception results in a pregnancy and frequent miscarriages. Or if the physician tells the mother’s she’s at high risk for death due to another pregnancy and very poor health – let it be.

What exactly do you mean by “let it be”. Do you mean take your chances and endanger your health, or abstain, or what.

 

[choose_to_love]

Lady_Of_Victory, I believe you have misunderstood what I was getting at in my prior post. I am well aware of the gravity of contraception; my bride and I both use and teach sympto-thermal NFP.

In some of the posts regarding the happiness and faithfulness of the interfaith marriages, the Catholic spouse was described, or self-described, as faithful and devout. In one couple’s case, the non-Catholic spouse was OK with NFP; in another, the couple turned out to have fertility issues. Now, with more responses, we have seen that two posters who responded in the affirmative (that is, 100% faithful devout Catholic for one spouse) does not appear to be strictly true. I am not throwing stones or judging, but I have to believe this could be a major, major issue in an interfaith marriage, as it gets to the heart of our design in God’s image, the meaning of nuptial love, trusting in God’s love and plan for us, trusting the Church, etc.

As I perceive one of the reasons for the thread to be whether a couple can have a happy marriage wherein one spouse is 100% faithful, devout, etc., I think it is pertinent to know if those who support the proposition that it can be done actually are living out their faith in accord with our design in God’s image in this most personal way.

Again, I am not looking to assign personal culpability or judge anyone, but how this issue is handled has to be one of the great challenges of an interfaith marriage, given the widespread use of contraception and the relatively rare practice of NFP. Obviously we are all sinners and all have our various personal struggles and failings, but contraception is one topic that is specific to married life in this context, and that’s why I’m asking.

 

[Phemie]

In some of the posts regarding the happiness and faithfulness of the interfaith marriages, the Catholic spouse was described, or self-described, as faithful and devout. In one couple’s case, the non-Catholic spouse was OK with NFP; in another, the couple turned out to have fertility issues. Now, with more responses, we have seen that two posters who responded in the affirmative (that is, 100% faithful devout Catholic for one spouse) does not appear to be strictly true. I am not throwing stones or judging, but I have to believe this could be a major, major issue in an interfaith marriage, as it gets to the heart of our design in God’s image, the meaning of nuptial love, trusting in God’s love and plan for us, trusting the Church, etc…

What you have to understand is that as a Catholic I thought what I was doing was in line with Church teaching because I’d been specifically told so by a priest as had several of my friends and relatives.

NFP was something I only found out about after the vasectomy and would probably have explored further had I been advised that it was the only acceptable method for a Catholic. As it is, my non-Catholic DH had nothing to do with my decision to go with ABC – the priest who advised me when I was in university told me ABC was ok if I had a good reason to use it. I thought I did.

 

[choose_to_love]

Phemie, I think I do understand - - you were given incorrect advice.

My point, however, is that the OP described a particular set of marriages - - one nonCatholic, one “100% faithful devout Catholic” - - who have a happy marriage. The OP specifically noted that the self-definition of an interfaith marriage that “works” often includes things that would be incompatible with authentic Church teaching and living a Catholic life. I would suggest that using contraception is contrary to living a truly Catholic married life.

As it relates to this thread, you identified as having the type of marriage described by the OP. However, you guys used contraception, and your nonCatholic spouse had a vasectomy. While I am sure you would have looked into NFP had you been correctly advised, I think the point is that the issue of not using contraception, it seems, was not discussed between you and your hubby as you were preparing for, and during, your married life, because you both considered it acceptable (again, due to the incorrect advice you got, at least on your part).

However, for the person currently considering an interfaith marriage, and who is properly informed, I would think this would be a major issue, and one of the types of major issues that interfaith couples experience, which is what I believe Malia was getting at with her post.

Malia, I hope you do not consider me to have hijacked the thread.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Malia, I hope you do not consider me to have hijacked the thread.

**
Nope, sincere questions are more than welcome. I am just looking for a perspective on the issue and your contributions have added to that. As long as things don’t disintegrate into meanness and attacks and back and forth bickering, ask away!**

 

[Lady_Of_Victory]

What exactly do you mean by “let it be”. Do you mean take your chances and endanger your health, or abstain, or what.

You never ‘‘take a chance’’ during ‘‘times of fertility’’ and ‘‘endanger’’ poor health that can end in death with a pregnancy.

But ‘‘using contraception’’ is never a valid reason and excuse ‘‘to avoid’’ a possible death of a woman in poor health…

To use any form of contraception under all circumstances is always a mortal sin. Contraception strips the woman of her true worth and true dignity, our priest very compassionately presented to us from the pulpit.

To ‘‘avoid pregnancy’’ under ‘‘very poor health conditions,’’ ‘‘abstain’’ from relations during her ‘‘short time of fertility’’ and pray.

If a woman is in very poor health, she gets pregnant and she’s high risk of dying, then we can still trust in God for the final outcome :

Receiving the Sacrament of the Sick, the Holy Eucharist and the Sacrament of Reconciliation are very powerful aids to strengthen our faith in God and to persevere in hope until our very last breath.

To understand the enormous beauty of mutual self giving, I recommend reading and studying Humanae Vitae. :yup:

vatican.va/holy_father/paul_vi/encyclicals/documents/hf_p-vi_enc_25071968_humanae-vitae_en.html

If your spouse is not a Catholic, I’d recommend asking your priest for an appropriate 100% Catholic married couples retreat.

:nope: I don’t recommend Retrouvaille. Leaders in my area are not allowed to discuss the advantages of self giving and the disadvantages of ‘‘self centeredness’’ behind the idea of using contraception.

Greg and Julie Alexander are a fabulous married couple to couple 100% Catholic source. :yup:

 

[RyanL_s_Wife]

I am the Baptist portion of our extremely happy marriage. My husband is a devout Catholic, although he wasn’t when we first got married. I have never been happier and I believe my husband feels the same way.

As for NFP… we use it. In fact, it was my idea. It was also one of the things that brought my husband back to his faith. He was not at all on board when I first brought it up and had no idea it was even a Catholic based “thing.” But it pretty much changed our lives. We have been blessed with two kids and one on the way because of NFP.

In regards to the comment that one party must not be practicing or very devout to make it work… Again, we are the opposite. It is because I was so devout that (eventually) made our transition to a Catholic family possible. I firmly believe that God declared the Husband the spiritual leader of the family. If I believe my husband is the spiritual head of the household, then there is no way I could not allow him to lead, without disobeying our Lord. Therefore, since my husband was Catholic, our children should be raised Catholic. I honestly felt I had no other choice. (Don’t think that for a while, I didn’t hope his Catholicism was just a phase… but when it become clear he had truly reverted, it was something I accepted… how could I be upset by his spiritual growth?)

My husband was also very charitable in this time of transition. When we married we agreed to raise the kids Baptist, he reverted and was very careful not to force anything on me. He did his thing, went to Mass, stated his wishes for our Children to be baptized in the Church, etc etc… And I soon, decided I had no other choice than to agreed. Not because of any pressure from him, but rather pressure from HIM above.) This was about a two year process. But even during the transition, which didn’t come easy, we were very blessed and happy with our marriage. I think we had one major fight (if you can call it that) And the rest was just discussion, letter writing, we found it easier to communicate our feelings that way, and lots of pray.)

Now, I will admit, that I have not converted. I have gone through RCIA, I have read and studied, but I don’t feel called to convert. If I felt God wanted me to, I would. (I know this sound illogical considering my reasoning for allowing my children to be raised Catholic, but God has always spoken very clearly to me and I am not being called to convert, at least for now… so you will just have to trust me on this.)

But yes, we are extremely happy. I attend Mass with my family every Sunday, I participate as much as I feel appropriate. (I do not cross myself, or go up for a blessing) If people don’t know me well, they all assume I am Catholic. But I openly admit and claim to be Baptist. My Baptist parent’s, who are heartbroken with my decision, understand it and would never do anything to influence my children against the Catholic church. It all works out amazing well. Of course, my husband wants me to convert. I am sure he prays about it often. But he has never pressured me. We are open about and discussed our religions often. Our situation just works.

God brought us together. He arranged our marriage, whatever happens with our marriage is what God planned for us from the beginning. We are 100% happy with God’s plan for us and wouldn’t change it for the world.

So can interfaith marriages work? Absolutely!!! Are we Happy? Extremely!!! Are we the norm? Most likely not.
But the fact of the matter is… Interfaith marriage can be extremely happy marriages. Our marriage is living proof of it.

God Bless,
RyanL’s Wife

 

[Lady_Of_Victory]

RyanL’s wife,

As Catholics, my husband a convert and I a revert to the Catholic Church – we are very familiar with Baptists. Many of my closest friends throughout my many years of living were conservative evangelicals of all colors and flavors (e.g. denominations and non-denominations), including Baptists.

We had many-many in-depth Bible studies together and wonderful times of fellowship. As a matter of fact I’m still in contact with some of my evangelical friends. We build our relationship in unity in Christ, based on what we have in common: Christ our Lord.

Your mix marriage testifies to Christ. You both build your relationship based on what you have in common: Christ the Prince of Peace. It’s quite lovely to hear mutual respect… Our dear Lord is one of a kind… He’s absolutely amazing…

A true understanding of Christo-centric Christian Catholic teaching is to never advise you to enter into full communion with the One Holy Catholic Apostolic Church – going against your conscience.

Your will and consent is very important to Almighty God. As you and your husband very well understand, our Lord’s not a Dictator.

May the Lord bless you!! Thanks for sharing!!

 

[RyanL_s_Wife]

RyanL’s wife,

…Your mix marriage testifies to Christ. You both build your relationship based on what you have in common: Christ the Prince of Peace. It’s quite lovely to hear mutual respect… Our dear Lord is one of a kind… He’s absolutely amazing…

A true understanding of Christo-centric Christian Catholic teaching is to never advise you to enter into full communion with the One Holy Catholic Apostolic Church – going against your conscience.

Your will and consent is very important to Almighty God. As you and your husband very well understand, our Lord’s not a Dictator.

May the Lord bless you!! Thanks for sharing!!

Thank you, I sincerely appreciate your response.

And Thanks Malia, for starting this thread. It is so nice to have a positive thread for “people like us.” Everything is always so negative… I usually end up leaving CAF for a while after reading a mixed marriage thread, they irk me so much. (I honestly don’t know why I read them… I should know better.) But this thread is different and I truly appreciate that. Thanks so much for allowing a positive thread on this topic.

God Bless,

RyanL’s Wife

 

[MCH]

No.It’s hard and it’s stressful and having children makes it more difficult.You are a ‘single parent’ at Baptisms, First Holy Communion.In my experience no matter how much you and your spouse love each other if you cannot share your faith, in fact feel awkward even talking about it(not trying to convert him),there is a strain.And that is after 16 years of marriage.