"Are you done having kids yet?!"

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Cathmomof6

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I need a good, simple answer to this question. We just had our 7th baby - a beautiful, healthy boy - 2 weeks ago! I am over the moon in love with him (and all my kiddos for that matter, but newborn snuggles are the best!). Since he has born, I think I have heard this question from a million and one people!! I am 37 and my husband is 39. We had a scare during this past pregnancy that baby would have trisomy 18, a genetic abnormality more likely due to my advanced maternal age, but he seems to be completely healthy! We are financially doing well, even if we could use a bigger house,etc. and are in good health with the exception of some hip arthritis on my part. While the arthritis is not debilitating(actually improved during my last pregnancy), 3 orthopedic surgeons have told me I will need a new hip. In the past, the easiest way to answer this question, has been “yes, we’re done” just to get them off the subject. My parents have made numerous comments about this being my “last baby”. I know mostly out of concern for my well-being, though. However, I am at a healthy weight, exercise regularly, try to eat right, and live a very healthy lifestyle. I consider this arthritis my “cross to bear” as I am otherwise healthy and possibly caused by my “healthy lifestyle” as I have run a lot in the past (2 marathons). However, the doctors tell me running did not cause it:shrug:

If I say we would welcome more or are not sure, I always get this look like I am some completely insane individual and I get dragged into a conversation where I get defensive and feel I need to defend myself. I don’t want to be rude as I understand, for the most part, people are really just being curious, and I don’t want to sound like some “religious freak” (not to offend anyone, but I definitely know this is some people’s perception of us).

I sometimes think I would like “just one more baby” (been saying that since #4:D!!), but maybe we are getting too old? I just don’t know, but to say we are 100% done is hard too since we struggle with NFP and complete abstinence does not seem necessary either. I also had some postpartum hemmorrhaging with last baby, which I guess is somewhat common after 7 babies!

I know I do not have to completely decide this now but everyone else seems to think I should have a definitive answer!!!
 
You can say, “Thank you for your concern but we’re fine.” If that doesn’t suffice, you can say, “We will decide that, thank you.” IOW, keep it short and pointed, which is not the same thing as being rude. After all, those asking the question are the ones being rude. A short but simple reply might get the more astute of them to see that. And finally, you can simply stare at them like they are from an alien planet and then turn away. That usually kills any further efforts to intrude into what is none of their business. 😉
 
“Is that really any of your business?”

“What a rude question”

“Why do you feel like that’s any of your business”

very loudly “No I will not discuss my sex life with you”
 
“I don’t know if we are done. We don’t know what causes it. Do you?”
 
Cathmomof6 said:
I need a good, simple answer to this question. We just had our 7th baby - a beautiful, healthy boy - 2 weeks ago! I am over the moon in love with him (and all my kiddos for that matter, but newborn snuggles are the best!). Since he has born, I think I have heard this question from a million and one people!! I am 37 and my husband is 39. …If I say we would welcome more or are not sure, I always get this look like I am some completely insane individual and I get dragged into a conversation where I get defensive and feel I need to defend myself. …
I know I do not have to completely decide this now but everyone else seems to think I should have a definitive answer!!!
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Many people who ask this question really think the correct answer should be, “Yes, we’re done”. You didn’t say that five children ago and when you’re not looking these people may already be looking at you like you’re completely insane. :whacky: Don’t let them or their looks bother you. They just don’t get it. Nor do they realize how* incredibly rude *that question is, but when they ask it gives us an opportunity to educate them.

Here are some responses:
“I believe children are blessings, and I don’t know if I want to ask God to stop blessing me.”

or “At some point, I won’t be able to have more even if I wanted more. Nature puts an end to women’s fertility eventually.” If needed you can add, “And I really don’t want to discuss my age with you.” (That usually ends the conversation with strangers!)

If it’s a friend of family, you could quickly change the subject, with or without answering the question. “Did you see the baby’s learned to ___”. Changing the subject usually gives people the hint, but before you change the subject you could say something like, “We don’t know if we’re done. If and when we have another, we’ll be sure to let you know.”

BTW, Congratulations on your new baby!!! And 37 is not *that *old. I had children past when I was past that age and so did my mom. (Thanks, mommy.)
 
My Mum thought she was ‘done having kids’ when she was 40… My little sister was born when she was 42!!

I’m hoping and praying that kind of thing is in my genes because I have only one son and I’m 38. God bless you, your husband and your lovely big family. I’m not jealous… much. 😉
 
I get this question all the time, and I only have four children. To most people I know, that seems like a large family… but to me (one of seven children), it seems small. I love being from a big family and always wanted a big family of my own.

But, I always said I didn’t want any more babies after 40. Well, I’m now 40 and really wouldn’t mind “just one more”. We’re not trying, but I am open to more if God so chooses to bless us with another.

But I do hate the question. Family size is a personal choice and nobody’s business, IMO. I usually just say, “I’m content with four if that’s all that is meant to be, but would gladly welcome another if God decides to bless us again!”
 
I always just say, “I don’t know”. Then I smile and give the “slow blink”.

It’s true. And it’s the nice way to say “none of your business”.

I never, EVER have to explain myself after that.
 
I always answer “We are open to more” and smile.

The other day I had a lady come up to look at my youngest and she started chatting a little asking me if she was my first (no), how many kids did I have (6), am I done? (We are open to more) and then she started calling out to her friend, who was a decent distance away, saying out loud, for everyone around us to hear, something along the lines of “Come here see this baby. This girl has 6 kids and she is open to having more!”

I did laugh at FrenzyJen’s suggested response:
very loudly “No I will not discuss my sex life with you”
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gardenswithkids said:
And 37 is not *that *old. I had children past when I was past that age and so did my mom. (Thanks, mommy.)
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This too… 37 isn’t old! 🙂 I am in my early 30’s, so I may be biased since I am not that far from 37, but I don’t feel like I will be old when I turn 37 :).
 
Pumpk(name removed by moderator)ies37 said:
I always just say, “I don’t know”. Then I smile and give the “slow blink”.

It’s true. And it’s the nice way to say “none of your business”.
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Love this!!! You can say more without having said anything.

I also like the idea of just giving an incredulous look that says that they said something completely crazy, and change the subject like you’re saving them from embarrassing themselves further.
 
lifeisbeautiful said:
This too… 37 isn’t old! 🙂 I am in my early 30’s, so I may be biased since I am not that far from 37, but I don’t feel like I will be old when I turn 37 :).
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When my husband and I were in our early 20s, we always said we would be done having kids at 35. However, now that we are past that and have more fully embraced our faith, we don’t really have a “cut-off” number anymore!! But I do have some reservations. My experience with this last pregnancy was eye-opening. At 19 weeks I was told our baby had a high likelihood of trisomy 18. We were sent to see a maternal fetal specialist and genetic counselors, who kept repeating the statistics of my “advanced maternal age” and increased risk of genetic abnormalities!! This all put in me almost a feeling of shame and irresponsibility, like we would have caused our baby to have a lifetime of difficulty! However, my pregnancy went smoothly and we had our very healthy baby boy 2 weeks ago! I bled a lot immediately after birth - looked like a horror movie - and was given a shot to stop the bleeding! Again I was told this was probably because of all the babies I’ve had. I really don’t know exactly the risks of postpartum hemmorhaging and maternal death, but this concerns me with a future pregnancy too. Obviously, I NEED to stick around here to raise these little ones I already have!!! So we are currently “discerning” if these are serious reasons to “be done”!! Any thoughts???
 
My favourite has always been “We’re probably going to go for at least 12”. Gets in early before someone starts suggesting you should feel bad for having 3 or 4. 🙂
 
Cathmomof6 said:
I need a good, simple answer to this question.
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For the nice but nosy, I’ve used these answers with a big smile:

“I have no clue. Too happy to think about it right now.”

“Well, we’ve always said we’d stop when we got an ugly one, and that hasn’t happened yet, so ::🤷:::”

and for the really persistent:

“With all that is going on in the world today, MY REPRODUCTIVE CAPACITY is what you’re concerned WITH!!!” (Said in a loud, shocked voice followed by a head shake, eye roll and walking away)

😃
 
ephesians4 said:
My favourite has always been “We’re probably going to go for at least 12”. Gets in early before someone starts suggesting you should feel bad for having 3 or 4. 🙂
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I think I like this one!! Lighthearted enough but kind of avoids directly answering question and the resulting discussion!!!
 
“We’ll be done when we get an ugly one!” is cute too but eventually there will be a last one and if my other kids hear that, he/she may be the butt of a lot of ugly jokes in his lifetime:D
 
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