Are you still "in love" with your spouse?

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LongingSoul said:
Thankyou for you answer, bmaj. It’s a comment that has always incited my curiousity when people use it as the reason for separating or worse, but as you describe love as opposed to ‘in love’ I do understand more clearly.

You say that in this state you have ‘a much stronger desire to become closer to God’… to be ‘in love’ with God perhaps as a way of preserving the marriage and your graciousness towards your husband who is hard to respect due to his actions. I think that is a perfect example of love for a spouse in the absence of a mutually joyful unity.

As I said, my family seem to have the art of staying ‘in love’ and in their marriages are all very affectionate and hold their spouses in esteem. I haven’t been lucky enough to find that in my own marriage but yes, I can say that my search for God has been deeply motivated by the grief… so that has to be something worth valuing in the end.
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Yes, LongingSoul, you are very correct that your search for God in marriage, although it may be sadly and deeply motivated by grief, is definitely something worth valuing both now and in the end. Cardinal Dolan once said that married love will always have a share in the Cross with struggles and suffering. But he also said when that occurs (and he said it WILL) we shouldn’t ask what’s wrong with our marriage but can be very confident that something is definitely RIGHT with it because we’re able to share in Christ’s Cross. Part of the sacramental vocation of marriage itself, I’m guessing.

Sometimes couples that we know and see may appear to be miraculously still “in love” after many, many years, but behind closed doors there may still be sadness. Some people have learned through years of experience (and maybe even lots of counseling) to look beyond certain issues in a marriage and diligently search out the divine face of Jesus in their spouse despite human qualities in them that could make that very difficult. I wish that were an easier task so that I could do it more often! In many cases things are not always what they appear on the surface.

I find that prayers for intercession by Our Lady of Sorrows as recommended by my Priest can have an amazing result. May God bless you always and keep you in His tender care. It also helps me to remember that He loves each and every one of us more than anyone on this earth ever could, and one day we can be joined with Him in Heaven where we will truly comprehend that eternal and all-consuming love.
 
truetofaith said:
So you still hold hands walking down the street & steal a kiss in a store or sit on his lap at a house party?
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We still hold hands walking down the street, while watching TV and while at the movies.

We still kiss hello and goodbye. And yes, we will kiss each other at the store or at the movies. (No, we don’t “make out,” in public.)

I haven’t sat on his lap in a long time. And unless I lose about 100 pounds, I don’t plan on doing it anytime soon. But I will sit next to him and hold hands.

I’ve been told that I light up when he walks into the room. And I know that he does, I’ve seen it.
 
maryjk said:
We still hold hands walking down the street, while watching TV and while at the movies.

We still kiss hello and goodbye. And yes, we will kiss each other at the store or at the movies. (No, we don’t “make out,” in public.)

I haven’t sat on his lap in a long time. And unless I lose about 100 pounds, I don’t plan on doing it anytime soon. But I will sit next to him and hold hands.

I’ve been told that I light up when he walks into the room. And I know that he does, I’ve seen it.
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this is so nice to read! God bless!
 
Still very much in love. We’ve been together 15 years, married 12.

How intensely I’m feeling that love varies. Some days, maybe when I am angry at DH or just really busy, the love is there in the background like white noise. Some days the feelings are very intense and more like music playing from a concert hall speaker system.
 
truetofaith said:
So you still hold hands walking down the street & steal a kiss in a store or sit on his lap at a house party?
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I’m not Mary, but would like to respond to this:

Still holding hands, often. He says he always wanted someone to hold hands with.
Joe does kiss me in “publix”, LOL
And lastly, if I sat on his lap, he’d need emergency services. :o
 
pianistclare said:
I’m not Mary, but would like to respond to this:

Still holding hands, often. He says he always wanted someone to hold hands with.
Joe does kiss me in “publix”, LOL
And lastly, if I sat on his lap, he’d need emergency services. :o
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Also not Mary but responding anyway. This goes for us too. We do still hold hands when we are out and about (at least when we don’t have the kids and have free hands). We do kiss in public (not making out but kissing). I do sit on his lap from time to time but less often (and much more cautiously) than I used to.
 
Still_Hoping said:
. And yes, we can still be “in love” despite all the obligations in our lives or how many children we have. True love transcends all that negative stuff.
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My children are “negative stuff”? :confused: Every time I look at my daughter, I’m more in love with my husband!
 
MJJean said:
Still very much in love. We’ve been together 15 years, married 12.

How intensely I’m feeling that love varies. Some days, maybe when I am angry at DH or just really busy, the love is there in the background like white noise. Some days the feelings are very intense and more like music playing from a concert hall speaker system.
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I like to say, I can be annoyed, even angry, but I never stop loving…its worked for 34 years!

This thread makes me both happy and a bit sad. Happy there are so many couples like my wife and I, sad that we aren’t as unique as we may have thought!
 
I’ve been married for 25 years and I cannot see the difference between loving someone and being ‘in love’. Love is love. I love my wife more now than I did 25 years ago, I am more in love with my wife now than I was 25 years ago. It is the same thing. Being in love is not about flowers, nice meals, romance and warm, fuzzy feelings, it is about self-giving and being joined to that person from the core of your being.
 
ToeInTheWater said:
However, I’ve certainly seen enough “old married couples” that still have “stars in their eyes”, speak about their spouses really dreamily, even “gush” over then, to think it’s as simple as that. Many such people really do seem to still be “in love” with their spouses, even after many years of marriage. Are they just “immature”? Or are they lucky?
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Don’t be fooled 😉
How a married couple appears in public and how they are alone behind closed doors is quite different. This particularly true of elderly who have been married a long time.
The longer a couple is married the greater they perfect their persona in public. :two cents:

I would not equate dreamy, gushy and star struck eyes with real mature marital love.
 
Brendan_64 said:
I’ve been married for 25 years and I cannot see the difference between loving someone and being ‘in love’. Love is love. I love my wife more now than I did 25 years ago, I am more in love with my wife now than I was 25 years ago. It is the same thing. Being in love is not about flowers, nice meals, romance and warm, fuzzy feelings, it is about self-giving and being joined to that person from the core of your being.
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Quite right.
 
My observation of ‘in love’ is not necessarily just the presence of affection, its the presence of mutual trust that the other cares for you as much for themselves. I think it takes trust to be ‘in love’. They would never ‘dis’ each other behind each others backs or act in anyway vengefully or play one upmanship in any way. Those things would rupture the environment of trust. There’s a dependence but not codependence. Mostly I believe that a couple ‘in love’ in the godly sense, emanate what a Christian might call holiness or a new ager might call holistic. Their company leaves you better for it.
 
Beautiful said:
Don’t be fooled 😉
How a married couple appears in public and how they are alone behind closed doors is quite different. This particularly true of elderly who have been married a long time.
The longer a couple is married the greater they perfect their persona in public. :two cents:

I would not equate dreamy, gushy and star struck eyes with real mature marital love.
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How about instead of saying that it **is **different, say that it can be different.

With my husband and me, what you see is what you get. 🤷
 
pianistclare said:
I’m not Mary, but would like to respond to this:

Still holding hands, often. He says he always wanted someone to hold hands with.
Joe does kiss me in “publix”, LOL
And lastly, if I sat on his lap, he’d need emergency services. :o
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Well, my wife & I must still be “in love” because we do the same things as you & Mary. She can sit on my lap since she’s only 112lbs. & I’m 130.

I still feel these are signs of love but not of being “in love.”
 
When you are faced with a problem of any type, your first thought is of how it will impact your spouse, that is love.
 
Brendan_64 said:
I’ve been married for 25 years and I cannot see the difference between loving someone and being ‘in love’. Love is love. I love my wife more now than I did 25 years ago, I am more in love with my wife now than I was 25 years ago. It is the same thing. Being in love is not about flowers, nice meals, romance and warm, fuzzy feelings, it is about self-giving and being joined to that person from the core of your being.
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That’s my point…there is a difference between being “in love” & loving that person after many years.

The poll should reflect that difference.
 
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