Arguing over who will be godparents!

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fortheloveofgod

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Hello. This is my first post and am in desperate need of help. My husband and I are having our son baptised at the end of the month, and we have to select godparents. My husband, though Catholic, doesn’t practice as devoutly as I do. He doesn’t understand the necessity of “practicing Catholic” as a requirement for a godparent. He feels very strongly that he wants someone in his side of the family to be a godparent. Problem is, none of his family goes to church (any denomination) though they may have been baptized (again, religion is not a focal point in any family conversation, so I don’t know this for sure, and even if it’s Catholic, though he thinks so). I’m sure they have not been fully initiated either.

My husband feels like his family is being left out in the whole baptism process. My extended family, though Catholic, don’t exactly practice faithfully either, but they have all been initiated, much more than I can say about my husband’s family. My brother goes to church with me every Sunday (we’re in the choir together) so I think he’s the perfect choice (perhaps only) for a godparent. If my husband picks his sister, she’ll only be a “Christian witness” but won’t be a godmother or even sign the register, right? I don’t know how to persuade my husband that this means our son will only have a godfather and not a godmother because of his insistence that his family “participate”.

Any advice for me? Please help…I’m losing sleep!

Cheryl
 
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fortheloveofgod:
Hello. This is my first post and am in desperate need of help. My husband and I are having our son baptised at the end of the month, and we have to select godparents. My husband, though Catholic, doesn’t practice as devoutly as I do. He doesn’t understand the necessity of “practicing Catholic” as a requirement for a godparent. He feels very strongly that he wants someone in his side of the family to be a godparent. Problem is, none of his family goes to church (any denomination) though they may have been baptized (again, religion is not a focal point in any family conversation, so I don’t know this for sure, and even if it’s Catholic, though he thinks so). I’m sure they have not been fully initiated either.

My husband feels like his family is being left out in the whole baptism process. My extended family, though Catholic, don’t exactly practice faithfully either, but they have all been initiated, much more than I can say about my husband’s family. My brother goes to church with me every Sunday (we’re in the choir together) so I think he’s the perfect choice (perhaps only) for a godparent. If my husband picks his sister, she’ll only be a “Christian witness” but won’t be a godmother or even sign the register, right? I don’t know how to persuade my husband that this means our son will only have a godfather and not a godmother because of his insistence that his family “participate”.

Any advice for me? Please help…I’m losing sleep!

Cheryl
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Have you asked (as opposed to telling) your husband what the duties of a godparent are? Have you attended any baptismal classes at your church (this should have been bought up there).

Why not suggest that there be a truce - both families can attend, and you will each choose someone who is not a family memeber but a memeber of the church?
 
Don’t discount asking your own parents if you are looking for someone faithful to Church teachings. You may ask grandparents to be Godparents.
 
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fortheloveofgod:
Hello. This is my first post and am in desperate need of help. My husband and I are having our son baptised at the end of the month, and we have to select godparents. My husband, though Catholic, doesn’t practice as devoutly as I do. He doesn’t understand the necessity of “practicing Catholic” as a requirement for a godparent. He feels very strongly that he wants someone in his side of the family to be a godparent. Problem is, none of his family goes to church (any denomination) though they may have been baptized (again, religion is not a focal point in any family conversation, so I don’t know this for sure, and even if it’s Catholic, though he thinks so). I’m sure they have not been fully initiated either.

My husband feels like his family is being left out in the whole baptism process. My extended family, though Catholic, don’t exactly practice faithfully either, but they have all been initiated, much more than I can say about my husband’s family. My brother goes to church with me every Sunday (we’re in the choir together) so I think he’s the perfect choice (perhaps only) for a godparent. If my husband picks his sister, she’ll only be a “Christian witness” but won’t be a godmother or even sign the register, right? I don’t know how to persuade my husband that this means our son will only have a godfather and not a godmother because of his insistence that his family “participate”.

Any advice for me? Please help…I’m losing sleep!

Cheryl
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Only one Godparent is required. The Church lays down very specific requirements that must be met by any prospective Godparent. His choice would have to meet these requirements.

Must be at least 16 and have received the Sacrament of Confirmation. Must be in good standing with the Church and a practicing Catholic.
 
Our baptism class isn’t until tomorrow, but I’m assuming godparents have to be picked by then, because they have to attend the class too. There is only one class before the baptism ceremony at the end of the month, so it’s now or never.

After a frustrating debate yesterday afternoon, my husband told me he wants either his sister or brother to be a godparent. His brother, to me, is absolutely out of the question (he’s living with his girlfriend at my in-laws place and has had premarital sex and had never gone to church for the 14 years I’ve known him - he’s 26 years old) while his 22 year old sister has not committed any mortal sins that I know of but also since I’ve known her, I don’t recall anyone mentioning she’s had Communion and I sure didn’t attend no Confirmation in the past 14 years.

My husband is so adamant that he wants one of them to be godparent and I said it’s impossible. Who says, he said to me. I insisted it’s part of the Canon Law. He thinks that this belittles his family, that they don’t deserve to be godparents. Frankly, I said that it didn’t belittle them, but also they don’t deserve the honour.

I went for a long walk right after our fight (our only fight ever in 3 years) and even knocked on the rectory door for some solice. Our pastor wasn’t there, and I just sat crying on the church grounds for a while (the church doors were locked).

We still haven’t discussed it any further. I’m considering cancelling the baptism now but that would be avoiding the issue.

My apologies for the ranting. I’m just terribly upset.
 
The option of one godparent is adequate, though I’d like two. But my husband’s not going to want only one when he wants to add one from his family too…so we can’t really resolve the tssue by saying we’ll only have one godparent.

Picking either my father or mother would in addition to my brother is still not anyone from his side (plus, my grandparents have already passed away). His grandmothers don’t go to church, and his grandfather is Greek Orthodox, so not much choice there.

Unfortunately I’m not close enough to anyone at church who’s not family that I would consider for a godparent. It would definitely be an option if that was the case.
 
Would your husband be OK if his sister were a Christian witness and your brother be the Godfather?

That’s the solution my husband and I came up with and both of them actually signed the baptismal certificate, (though under my sister-in-laws name it said “Christian witness” instead of Godmother.)

That way, you are at least assured that your brother would help instruct your child in the faith (and fulfill the church requirement of needing only one Godparent), but also includes your husband’s side of the family?
 
I hope it all works out for you.

My husband and I are way behind on this since we are having a hard time figuring out who to ask. And we don’t want to upset his family by not asking his brother even though we can’t.
The person we were thinking about asking to be godfather decided he is atheist. His family is the only Catholic family that we know other than ones who show up once every couple of months (Christmas and Easter).

I am thinking about calling and asking the office about it. It is really hard to figure it all out.
Kat
 
I would go the route of your brother and his sister.

But I would ask him if he doesn’t believe this religious stuff is so important, why put up such a fuss? Just for the honor of telling his errant brother that he’s the Godfather???

Where are the priorities?

My goodness- this is his child’s first Sacrament! You need to remain firm in your conviction for your child.

If you both STILL cannot decide- find a nice couple in your parish who practice the faith. I’m sure there are a number of very wonderfull people who would be just tickled. And these people would hopefully be at every religious function for your child- supporting their religious life AS A GODPARENT SHOULD.

Bless you for your discernment in this. Your child is lucky to have such a Faithful mother.
 
Thank you very much for your support. I feel like I’m alone in this. My husband DOES think “this religion stuff” is important, but still does not understand why his sister can’t be a godmother. (Vicious cycle!)

His opinion is that it’s like his family “isn’t good enough” and are “bad people”. How do you respond to that?

I said they are NOT bad but are just not appropriate for the purposes of a godparent.

During my storming out the other day, my husband ended up calling his mother to vent. She phoned him back last night and said that she’s “insulted” that their family wasn’t considered at all for the baptism from the get-go. She reamed my husband out last night and now they’re mad at my husband. Their own son! She layed the guilt trip even more so on him and she’s insulted by both of us for considering only my side of the family, making his family “bad people”. My husband was distraught last night because now his mom is angry at him (she’s SUPER SENSITIVE about everything, and I’m not suprised how immaturely - IMHO - she’s handling it).

The meeting is tonight, the only one prior to the baptism. Sadly, my parish priest is on vacation and there will be someone else leading the session----I think he would be more convincing in the requirement that the godparent be fully initiated and practicing. (Husband’s family seems to think baptism is only required).

Frankly, I would like my MIL, FIL, and SIL to attend the meeting tonight, to find out what a responsibility it is to be a godparent and the requirements, even though I’m upset at them for thinking that they deserve the honour. If they don’t show up, then I’ve missed the opportunity to have an appropriate “replacement sponsor” attend (I have one in mind - my cousin’s wife who got fully initiated last year to get married in the Church)

Am I really being unreasonable in insisting the requirements? Do all churches go by this “Christian Witness” option or do some churches “let it slide” that the requirements aren’t followed to the T? I really want our church to be strict about this, but won’t know this for sure until tonight or the next couple of weeks.

I can’t sleep…
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Shiann:
But I would ask him if he doesn’t believe this religious stuff is so important, why put up such a fuss? Just for the honor of telling his errant brother that he’s the Godfather???

Where are the priorities?

My goodness- this is his child’s first Sacrament! You need to remain firm in your conviction for your child.
Bless you for your discernment in this. Your child is lucky to have such a Faithful mother.
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fortheloveofgod - just a thought, if you want to find someone in the parish who would be a good godparent and don’t know anyone, ask one of the older ladies in the parish. you know the ones, they go to church every day, they are always there saying the rosary when you arrive, and also they live out the virtures of humility, charity, and is recognized by those who know her as a holy person. She might know someone who would be willing and able to help, and you might make a friend too 🙂
 
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fortheloveofgod:
Thank you very much for your support. I feel like I’m alone in this. My husband DOES think “this religion stuff” is important, but still does not understand why his sister can’t be a godmother. (Vicious cycle!)
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First, I didn’t mean to insult your husband. You might not have taken it that way, but as I reread my post to you, I got that impression… My apologies to you for that.

Maybe approach it this way:
Do we allow just anyone who wishes to be a doctor or a mechanic work on us or our cars?

Of course not. They need to prove (through schooling and experience) that they are qualified to hold such a position and provide that service for us.

Would you have your child, when he or she is of school age, be instructed by a woman or man who feel like they want to teach, but have never had any instruction- and certainly no experience!? Of course not.

Well if your husband truly understands the priority of religion in family life- he wouldn’t even consider someone who is less that qualified for that position. Even if they are family. IMHO. He certainly understands the need for qualifications in the other parts of our lives.

You have pointed out the religious inadequacies in the other people in your family and have decided that your child is in need and is deserving of a godparent who is qualified for the position!

And now you are seen as being self righteous and inconsiderate. How droll.
His opinion is that it’s like his family “isn’t good enough” and are “bad people”. How do you respond to that?
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They aren’t “bad people” any more than I am a bad person for turning someone away who asks me a question about the differential system in a 4x4. They do not sound like they have the education or experience necessary for the job! And of course I’m “not good enough” to work on a FWD system in a truck. But again, it doesn’t make me a bad person.
I said they are NOT bad but are just not appropriate for the purposes of a godparent.
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Exactly right.
During my storming out the other day, my husband ended up calling his mother to vent. She phoned him back last night and said that she’s “insulted” that their family wasn’t considered at all for the baptism from the get-go.
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Of course she’s insulted. Wouldn’t you be? I’m sure she feels like she has to justify her religious beliefs and that of her family to you- just for the opportunity for you to include them in your discernment of godparent.

I’m a little dissapointed that your husband did not show a united front with his new family- even if he disagreed with you. You are his wife and he needs to show you respect by acknowledging your opinions and not undermining you with his mother and his siblings. He never should have brought them into this. The knowledge that they weren’t considered by you to be godparents was only damaging to your relationships. People do not contact eachother for 20 and 30 years over less. What a shame.
She reamed my husband out last night and now they’re mad at my husband. Their own son! She layed the guilt trip even more so on him and she’s insulted by both of us for considering only my side of the family, making his family “bad people”.
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Of course she’s upset. I’m sure she doesn’t understand why you wouldn’t consider them. I’m sure she believes they are just regular christian americans who want to do what is right. And that should be good enough to be considered for this role. If I were in her shoes I would feel the same way. And to top it off, my son’s new wife is trying tell me my family isn’t good enough.

Now we all know that isn’t exactly right from your perspective- but I’m sure you can see why they are all upset. Again, IMHO, your husband should have never gone back to his mama for support. That is why he married you.
My husband was distraught last night because now his mom is angry at him (she’s SUPER SENSITIVE about everything, and I’m not suprised how immaturely - IMHO - she’s handling it).
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Why isn’t he upset that you are upset? He created the situation with his mother by offering her information she never should have known. Now his attentions are turned toward making things right with his mom, not with making a decision regarding the child and making things right in his marriage.
 
The meeting is tonight, the only one prior to the baptism. Sadly, my parish priest is on vacation and there will be someone else leading the session----I think he would be more convincing in the requirement that the godparent be fully initiated and practicing.
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I’m sure he would be.
(Husband’s family seems to think baptism is only required).
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He and they are wrong.
Frankly, I would like my MIL, FIL, and SIL to attend the meeting tonight, to find out what a responsibility it is to be a godparent and the requirements, even though I’m upset at them for thinking that they deserve the honour. If they don’t show up, then I’ve missed the opportunity to have an appropriate “replacement sponsor” attend (I have one in mind - my cousin’s wife who got fully initiated last year to get married in the Church).
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If you have invited them, and they don’t show up, all the more reason to find someone else for the job. And all the more proof to your husband that they were not the people for the job to begin with. Christians do not act in such a petty manner. They understand their limitations (or should) and attempt to be humble about it.(or should)

Make arrangements on the side for your replacement to speak with the priest or the person coordinating baptism instruction.
Am I really being unreasonable in insisting the requirements?
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IMHO a big resounding NO.
Do all churches go by this “Christian Witness” option or do some churches “let it slide” that the requirements aren’t followed to the T?
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If they are Catholic they shouldn’t. If they are Catholic and they do- they are doing a disservice to the people that attend that parish.
I really want our church to be strict about this, but won’t know this for sure until tonight or the next couple of weeks.

I can’t sleep…
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Have you tried giving this to God?

I know that sounds a little flippant while you are waist deep in this family problem- but you would be so surprised at the ingenious ways that God works through our problems when we just GIVE THEM TO HIM!

Tell God you want what is best for your child.

Tell Him you want your husband and you to find peace with his family.

Tell Him you want and need a good godparent.

Tell Him you trust Him and have faith that He will do what is best for you and your family.

Give him your frustrations. Tell him you will do what He Wills for you.

Give him your troubles. And sleep easier.

Go with God.
 
But for Grace:
just a thought, if you want to find someone in the parish who would be a good godparent and don’t know anyone, ask one of the older ladies in the parish. 🙂
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Because I’m in the choir, I do know some people who would fare well. However, I really can’t consider this option because my in-laws would be even MORE offended if I picked non-family over them.

Thank you, Shiann, for your continued support. I am in much need of prayer at this moment and have been praying for myself and my families and for my son. BTW, I did not think that you offended my husband, so please don’t think otherwise. I merely tend to use “” a lot when replying! 😉
Do we allow just anyone who wishes to be a doctor or a mechanic work on us or our cars? Of course not. They need to prove (through schooling and experience) that they are qualified to hold such a position and provide that service for us. Would you have your child, when he or she is of school age, be instructed by a woman or man who feel like they want to teach, but have never had any instruction- and certainly no experience!? Of course not
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I loved the analogies you used in explaining how important the requirements are. I don’t think ill of my inlaws, nor think of them as horrible people, but they can’t teach what they don’t know (or practice).

They dont’ even know The Apostles’ Creed…is that proof enough?
I’m a little dissapointed that your husband did not show a united front with his new family- even if he disagreed with you. You are his wife and he needs to show you respect by acknowledging your opinions and not undermining you with his mother and his siblings. He never should have brought them into this.
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My husband was upset last night: he didn’t know what to do, because of my view and because of his mother’s view. I have not confronted my husband as to why he even consulted her, as it’s our decision. Perhaps he was looking for her to comiserate, but it looks like it backfired since she’s now angry at him too (so he says). I think because he’s torn between his new family and his old is why he’s so confused now.
Of course she’s upset. I’m sure she doesn’t understand why you wouldn’t consider them. I’m sure she believes they are just regular christian americans who want to do what is right. And that should be good enough to be considered for this role. If I were in her shoes I would feel the same way. And to top it off, my son’s new wife is trying tell me my family isn’t good enough.
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You have a point…but do you think she could be offended partly because she has not raised her own family in the Catholic faith? Would she have done so, in retrospect, to want to earn the family’s “right” to be considered godparents or do so simply for her love of the Church without any strings attached? Am I self-righteous by even thinking this?
Why isn’t he upset that you are upset? He created the situation with his mother by offering her information she never should have known. Now his attentions are turned toward making things right with his mom, not with making a decision regarding the child and making things right in his marriage.
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He’s upset that I’m upset BUT he likes to please EVERYONE (that’s just his nature). And with his mother being so fragile as she is (OT - downsizing after 20 years in the same house and hating her new location, extreme obesity with health problems) he does not enjoy any of her guilt trips.
Do all churches go by this “Christian Witness” option or do some churches “let it slide” that the requirements aren’t followed to the T?
– If they are Catholic they shouldn’t. If they are Catholic and they do- they are doing a disservice to the people that attend that parish.
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I suppose I wouldn’t be able to debate the fact that a disservice occurred if they end up taking his SIL as Godparent and not a Christian Witness…that would be like appealing the decision and I’d really be made to look bad.

My husband has called his sister and she will try to attend tonight (she’s a pitcher on a softball league). He did not phone his mother but since his mom attends all her games, no doubt she’ll know what’s up. I’m saddened by this all and wish it all to go away. I’ll keep you posted.
 
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fortheloveofgod:
You have a point…but do you think she could be offended partly because she has not raised her own family in the Catholic faith? Would she have done so, in retrospect, to want to earn the family’s “right” to be considered godparents or do so simply for her love of the Church without any strings attached? Am I self-righteous by even thinking this?
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I’d wager you are correct in your discernment, and that this is probably the Holy Spirit acting on her conscious and she is fighting it… (like we can all do at times ;))

I think you have a great perspective in this dilema. Try not to get hooked in with particulars as the basic problem is finding an adequate Godparent or two for your son or daughter.

I can relate to your husbands difficulties with his mother. That is a very tough position to be in, and I’m sure he feels torn in both directions. He knows and loves you- but you seem like a strong person. His mother sounds like she isn’t as strong (or acts like it) and therefore he feels compelled to fix the relationship strain with her first.

Hang in there. Just as long as you and your husband come to an agreement on a Godparent (or two) for your child, others will just need to like it “or lump it”. 😉

If you don’t mind, I would like to say this evening’s prayers for your family’s benefit.

Bless you.
 
Hmmm…It would seem if you chose a practicing Catholic not related to you then it would show that this is not a “your family is better than his” thing but that it simply revolves around the godparents being Catholic. They should get worked up if your family isn’t chosen either.
 
BTW, cancelling the baptism should never be a choice in the matter. It would be great to have Mother Teresa and John Paul II be the godparents but the most important thing is to have the baby baptized ASAP.
 
I am sorry your husband is putting you through this, and I can really see your point. And I have to say, the chances of anybody raising your child in the Faith but you two are slim.

If you haven’t left yet for the meeting…I like the idea of one of the older ladies from the parish.

If not one of them, then how about an out-of-town friend who is a good Catholic? I know you don’t have many friends where you are, but do you have one out of town? Does your husband? They don’t have to fly in for the sacrament. Anybody can stand in for them, even the two of you, what is known as proxy. That is what my daughter did for her younger child, had their parish send a brief letter stating they were good Catholics. They are marvelous godparents, even from a distance.
 
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SavedByHim:
Would your husband be OK if his sister were a Christian witness and your brother be the Godfather?

That’s the solution my husband and I came up with and both of them actually signed the baptismal certificate, (though under my sister-in-laws name it said “Christian witness” instead of Godmother.)

That way, you are at least assured that your brother would help instruct your child in the faith (and fulfill the church requirement of needing only one Godparent), but also includes your husband’s side of the family?
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That realy does not work either. Because a Christian Witness is a Baptized Christian who is NOT Catholic and in good standing with their church.
 
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