Arguing with teenagers

[PhilliesFan]

We have a 17 yo teenage son. He is very snotty and disrespectful to us in general.

Yesterday at a church event he was constantly teasing an guy a few years older than him.

My wife and I got in a protracted discussion with him which became heated.

Our understanding is that he is jealous of this guy, who is about to graduate college, has a car and a job, dresses well, sings in the choir and is self assured.

We did not mention this to him, but tried to tell him that his behavior is beyond the norm. He thought it was good natured teasing.

My question though is how do you argue with teenagers without it getting heated?

My thoughts are you state your case. You listen to their points, you state what you want done and then tell them what will happen if they don’t change their behavior, then you monitor and enforce your threat.

You also pick your battles to ensure that they do have some autonomy.

I am curious as to what other parents think about this as our teens seem positively squirrely and arguing with them is pointless.

 

[pensmama87]

As a former teenager, I say it’s probably best not to argue. Have your expectations and follow through, but focusing excessively on authority and giving in to an escalating argument does not model keeping your temper in check. I’m a natural hothead, but it was definitely at its worst in my teens.

My mother, who is very even-tempered, was willing to live with me thinking she was nuts. So we could agree to disagree, but I had to (even if grudgingly) be respectful. She only had a few things she really insisted on, and they were related to respect and safety. For other things, she was willing to let me deal with the consequences of my own actions, because she knew that would teach me more than a lecture ever would (and when she was serious about me listening to her, I knew it must be A Big Deal.) So, as I’ve gotten older and had my own children, I’ve really learned to appreciate much about her methods.

I don’t think you can avoid emotion totally because that just comes with the territory of teens. But you can pick your battles, have clear expectations, and be firm for the purpose of teaching, instead of being right. If your goal is to never have your teen be mad, I don’t see how that can work without neglecting some important things. And if you’re getting just as mad as often or almost as often, then you probably need to work on detachment from your own feelings. As an adult, that should be easier for you than a teen.

 

[TruthSeeker319]

I was a teenager not too long ago, and I work with them now.

Rather than arguing (because it too often gets heated) its sometimes better to ask questions as to why they think that way. Then, respond to their responses in a charitable manner. Play devil’s advocate, and point out inconsistencies in their ideas. Remember, your goal isn’t to corner their argument or win, it is to teach the teen how to broaden their perspective.

We often forget that our teens are still learning a lot about the complex social world around us. Its our job to help them. I have found that the best way to help is to not force the truth down their throats, but rather to probe with questions until they realize they were wrong. This Socratic method of teaching works extremely well with teens because they arrive at the conclusions, rather than having to be handed them in an authoritarian manner by dear mom and dad.

 

[pianistclare]

We have a 17 yo teenage son. He is very snotty and disrespectful to us in general.

Yesterday at a church event he was constantly teasing an guy a few years older than him.

My wife and I got in a protracted discussion with him which became heated.

Our understanding is that he is jealous of this guy, who is about to graduate college, has a car and a job, dresses well, sings in the choir and is self assured.

We did not mention this to him, but tried to tell him that his behavior is beyond the norm. He thought it was good natured teasing.

My question though is how do you argue with teenagers without it getting heated?

My thoughts are you state your case. You listen to their points, you state what you want done and then tell them what will happen if they don’t change their behavior, then you monitor and enforce your threat.

You also pick your battles to ensure that they do have some autonomy.

I am curious as to what other parents think about this as our teens seem positively squirrely and arguing with them is pointless.

You don’t argue you instruct.
Time for a serious re-boot if he’s that disrespectful to you, and this has extended to others.

 

[Xantippe]

We have a 17 yo teenage son. He is very snotty and disrespectful to us in general.

Yesterday at a church event he was constantly teasing an guy a few years older than him.

My wife and I got in a protracted discussion with him which became heated.

Our understanding is that he is jealous of this guy, who is about to graduate college, has a car and a job, dresses well, sings in the choir and is self assured.

**We did not mention this to him, but tried to tell him that his behavior is beyond the norm. **He thought it was good natured teasing.

My question though is how do you argue with teenagers without it getting heated?

My thoughts are you state your case. You listen to their points, you state what you want done and then tell them what will happen if they don’t change their behavior, then you monitor and enforce your threat.

You also pick your battles to ensure that they do have some autonomy.

I am curious as to what other parents think about this as our teens seem positively squirrely and arguing with them is pointless.

I haven’t caught up with the thread, so maybe mentioning that would have been the best way of shutting the behavior down. “Beave, is it maybe the case that you’re a little jealous of Eddie, and that’s the reason you were giving him such a hard time?”

Connecting the dots for him between teasing and jealousy might make teasing less attractive to him in future.

I agree with other recommendations to avoid arguing with teenagers. Teenagers have more energy and more emotions to throw into it than you do, so it’s to be avoided.

 

[Xantippe]

As a former teenager, I say it’s probably best not to argue. Have your expectations and follow through, but focusing excessively on authority and giving in to an escalating argument does not model keeping your temper in check. I’m a natural hothead, but it was definitely at its worst in my teens.

My mother, who is very even-tempered, was willing to live with me thinking she was nuts. So we could agree to disagree, but I had to (even if grudgingly) be respectful. She only had a few things she really insisted on, and they were related to respect and safety. For other things, she was willing to let me deal with the consequences of my own actions, because she knew that would teach me more than a lecture ever would (and when she was serious about me listening to her, I knew it must be A Big Deal.) So, as I’ve gotten older and had my own children, I’ve really learned to appreciate much about her methods.

I don’t think you can avoid emotion totally because that just comes with the territory of teens. But you can pick your battles, have clear expectations, and be firm for the purpose of teaching, instead of being right. If your goal is to never have your teen be mad, I don’t see how that can work without neglecting some important things. And if you’re getting just as mad as often or almost as often, then you probably need to work on detachment from your own feelings. As an adult, that should be easier for you than a teen.

Very good.

 

[MomaMary8]

My response to any of my children (4 - 23) is “I’m sorry, are you arguing with me??” They get the hint quickly. There is no room for negotiation on this point. I do not argue with my children.

If they have questions and points of discussion, sure thing. I love talking to my children openly. My duty, as another poster mentioned, is to instruct.

Sounds like you need to redraw those lines of authority and permissiveness if your son has gotten to be so disrespectful. Also examine if you are baiting your son into arguments. Instructions have to be given in a way the person can he learn from them, not feel the need to defend himself.

 

[mommy_k]

My response to any of my children (4 - 23) is “I’m sorry, are you arguing with me??” They get the hint quickly. There is no room for negotiation on this point. I do not argue with my children.

If they have questions and points of discussion, sure thing. I love talking to my children openly. My duty, as another poster mentioned, is to instruct.

Sounds like you need to redraw those lines of authority and permissiveness if your son has gotten to be so disrespectful. Also examine if you are baiting your son into arguments. Instructions have to be given in a way the person can he learn from them, not feel the need to defend himself.

Yes, I agree and do the same. My phrase is excuse me? Most of our older kids are respectful and this is all that is needed with them.

For this example I would have told them not to tease anyone in my presence. A teen knows what’s right and wrong and they secretly know this is wrong. So I would say- don’t do it again. Period. No debate. No-why’s–no explaination. Just don’t do it.

For the op too, you have to also realize when they are baiting YOU–why would a teen tease another in front of you? Perhaps to irk you and get a response.