Argument With Mom?

[love-bias]

Hey there Saints,

just wondering, and I’d like some advice…

I have my own apartment. It’s a pretty quiet place. I am trying to get my life ordered as stress free as possible. My Mother lives across town. The reason I came back to this city is actually to feel closer to, and be with my Mom.

I enjoy my independence. I’ve been looking forward to doing my own laundry. However, my Mom has lately been coming over, unanounced, popping in, and doing my laundry for me. Then she puts my laundry in plastic bags for who knows why… to keep things clean or something.

I’m trying to tell my Mom that I want to establish specific days of the week for her to come over and hang out with me. I don’t want her doing my laundry for me though, nor do I want her to clean my apartment, etc.

Here’s the thing that happened tonight about which I need advice, if I may ask: My Mom’s boyfriend and I sort of ganged up on my Mom, and started pointing out her character defects. I was trying to help her… looking back I should probably reserve my two cents for when it’s asked for.

Anyway it somehow ended up that while she was in the basement doing laundry (her’s and mine), I could hear from my aparment that she was screeming at her boyfriend. I totally freaked out, went downstairs, and asked her to leave. Then somehow it got to a point where I asked her for the copy of my apartment keys I gave to her. She seemed totally crushed. I really didn’t mean to make her feel that way, I was just freaked out, panicking, and was trying my best to keep my apartment and not get kicked out for disruption.

I have apologized to my Mom, and told her that I don’t really want her to give me her keys. But she said I made her feel like a “bum” whom I was “tossing out on the street.”

I have apologized, but she seems to be relentlessely holding her grudge and her feelings of being hurt. I even tried to bribe her into accepting my apology. I asked her if there is anything she would like, say a nice new dress or a sweater or something. I want to buy her something, but I don’t even know if that will help. So I’m not sure how to handle all of this. I’m just trying to get ready for a new semester of school and maintaine a good relationship with anyone and everyone I can. I so do not want drama right now. Plus I am an all or nothing type of person, and I feel like if something is wrong between me and my Mom, then somehow everything is wrong.

I spoke with my Brother about this, and he actually says that I have no reason to feel bad. He even suggests I shouldn’t have given my Mom a key anyway.

I’m just trying to seek the Lord’s Peace… may I ask anyone for advice? Peace be with you all. ~Jason

 

[NonCatholic]

You sincerely apologized, that is all you can do…it’s on her now to forgive or not to forgive. It may take her some time to come around, so plan to be patient. It will work out Don’t get involved in any arguments unless you are asked, then decide if you can help, if not, then excuse yourself.

 

[love-bias]

Thank you, my friend. Will do.

 

[dulcissima]

I agree with your brother. Your mom has inserted herself way too much into your place and into your privacy. Her reaction that has you retreating, feeling guilty, and apologizing is a concern. You can be loving, polite and respectful to your mom without being so controlled by her emotions and her infringement on your personal space. I would try to put some more emotional space between her and you until you both figure out where the appropriate boundaries are between a mother and her adult son.

 

[shannyk]

My goodness. I have to say, I’m feeling very sad for your mommy right now.

Maybe she is overstepping her boundaries a bit, BUT, you said

I’ve been looking forward to doing my own laundry

which says to me she had been doing it for ya in the past at some point, and was there any way for her to know you didn’t want it done by her anymore? Or did you just expect her to know? Don’t get me wrong, you’re too old to have your mom doing your dirties, but I think it’s her wanting to be wanted and needed and useful and close to someone she loves. She’s not a mind reader so if you gave her a key, and had a relationship that included her doing laundry previously, she was only doing what she thought she should I think. Let’s not make mom into a monster because she’s not in tune with your sense of boundaries ok? Bearing wrongs patiently is something we are all called to do.

Sounds like she’s got one heck of a BF too…ganging up on her ‘faults’ as he sees them in front of her son??? Nice guy. Inappropriate. And you chimed in I think because you are feeling your oats and oh so independent. Why it is either of your places to be pointing out your mother’s faults is beyond me. For him to do so in front of you is low class as it gets. If YOU have issues with your mom, that is something to discuss, in an adult manner, with her in PRIVATE, not in front of her BF or anyone else.

If you don’t want her having your key, OK, but you took it away because she was yelling at her BF? Sounds to me like her giving it to him was warranted if he’s berating her in front of her son.

I think you owe your mom a more sincere apology. You can’t make her let it go but you need to do more than just say “I’m sorry” you need to talk to her. Like a grownup, since you want to be one.:twocents:

 

[love-bias]

My goodness. I have to say, I’m feeling very sad for your mommy right now.

Maybe she is overstepping her boundaries a bit, BUT, you said

which says to me she had been doing it for ya in the past at some point, and was there any way for her to know you didn’t want it done by her anymore? Or did you just expect her to know? Don’t get me wrong, you’re too old to have your mom doing your dirties, but I think it’s her wanting to be wanted and needed and useful and close to someone she loves. She’s not a mind reader so if you gave her a key, and had a relationship that included her doing laundry previously, she was only doing what she thought she should I think. Let’s not make mom into a monster because she’s not in tune with your sense of boundaries ok? Bearing wrongs patiently is something we are all called to do.

Sounds like she’s got one heck of a BF too…ganging up on her ‘faults’ as he sees them in front of her son??? Nice guy. Inappropriate. And you chimed in I think because you are feeling your oats and oh so independent. Why it is either of your places to be pointing out your mother’s faults is beyond me. For him to do so in front of you is low class as it gets. If YOU have issues with your mom, that is something to discuss, in an adult manner, with her in PRIVATE, not in front of her BF or anyone else.

If you don’t want her having your key, OK, but you took it away because she was yelling at her BF? Sounds to me like her giving it to him was warranted if he’s berating her in front of her son.

I think you owe your mom a more sincere apology. You can’t make her let it go but you need to do more than just say “I’m sorry” you need to talk to her. Like a grownup, since you want to be one.:twocents:

Well I would have appreciated it if you would not have been as condescending as you were. That makes it difficult to reasonably ask for help and advice when you’re going to be beaten up for something. I’m asking for advice, and I’m trying to learn my faults, but I wasn’t exactly expecting someone to mock me.

Other than that, you do have very good points. I agree, and I’ll try to contemplate more about what you’ve said. Thank you (for the most part).

 

[love-bias]

Well I would have appreciated it if you would not have been as condescending as you were. That makes it difficult to reasonably ask for help and advice when you’re going to be beaten up for something. I’m asking for advice, and I’m trying to learn my faults, but I wasn’t exactly expecting someone to mock me.

Other than that, you do have very good points. I agree, and I’ll try to contemplate more about what you’ve said. Thank you (for the most part).

Well, actually looking back, maybe I do deserve that. My bad. Actually every word you said makes perfect sense. And I’ve been trying to call my Mom, but her phone has been off for the past couple hours. I appreciate your wisdom.



Bless you and thank you.
~Jason

 

[Trishie]

Jason, it’s understandable that you want your independence. It can be difficult for mothers to let go…she wants to help all she can, and maybe she’s a bit scared of losing you to some degree.
Your mother does need to respect your boundaries now, though you should be clear about them. She’s looked after you for so long without restriction that it’s hard for her to adjust. She does need to learn that you are no longer her little boy. She needs to do so without any slipping into emotional blackmail though you actually were perhaps slipping into bargaining yourself, like offering to buy her something to make up. You used the word bribe. That could hurt too.

Yes, show her love…but clearly she’s not ready to forgive you yet. She would actually feel very betrayed, because both her boyfriend and her beloved son shocked her by what she would feel as betrayal. I understand that you didn’t want to be kicked out of the apartment because of the argument, so acted more harshly than you might have, in order to protect your interests. I understand too, that you wished her to learn. But it’s something she has to adjust to emotionally, losing her unique place of being there for you, protecting and helping you. I’m a mother of three sons and I had to let them go also.

I don’t know how you can heal the hurt just now…but if you can’t reach her by phone and you can’t get to see her, you’re going to need to let her know how much you love and appreciate all she’s done, all she is to you. You did, after all, come to this city to be near your Mom. Do you feel you can write to her? I don’t know whether it will take some time before your mother will trust you again. Please be patient with her as she is very hurt. And I know you feel very bad about it. It is a blight on your life at present.

She will get over it Jason, but be kind and patient. Don’t give up ground, don’t capitulate and let her do your laundry again because you’d not be helping her to face that you’re a man now and responsible for reasonable care of yourself now.

I’ll keep you and you mother [and your mother’s relationship with her boyfriend] in my prayers.

God bless you…Trishie

 

[Trishie]

Jason you can adapt this sort of poem-thing I wrote one time [for obvious reasons] for your Mom if you want to. It depends on how creative you are…or maybe it’ll inspire you to write something specific for your Mom.

Forgiveness
How to ask forgiveness–
when I should have understood in gentle, forgiving silence?
Too much said instead, forfeiting trust, fracturing relationship,
betraying kindnesses and truths entrusted and shared.

Repentant heart–seeing so much
that could wound another beneath words spoken
or behind misjudgement or inappropriate deed
longs to embrace the other but can find no way.
Too many misapprehensions hold us apart.

I pray for a holy smile to break through
flaming from heart to heart
to consume misunderstanding, sin and pain.
Until then, heart must wait in humble sadness and silence
Am I alone in poignant sense of loss?

I hurt whom I love–I who also am wronged,
because you cannot see how truly I love you.
But Lord, please touch and heal us!
Make us become sacrament of Yourself,
hearts purified, maturing in reciprocal love.

We neither of us intended hurt
Yet we caused each other pain…
My brother/sister, please forgive me.
I forgive you.

A hug from another mother

 

[lee_kim]

recently, i dont argue with my mom anymore. coz now i live faraway from home
when i think backt the time living at home with mom.
i’m not a good child
every kids has at least 1 time argue with their parents.
u must apologize . smile with her and buy her a present. please show her how much u love her
it’ll warm her heart up.
every mom love their children

 

[shannyk]

Well I would have appreciated it if you would not have been as condescending as you were. That makes it difficult to reasonably ask for help and advice when you’re going to be beaten up for something. I’m asking for advice, and I’m trying to learn my faults, but I wasn’t exactly expecting someone to mock me.

Other than that, you do have very good points. I agree, and I’ll try to contemplate more about what you’ve said. Thank you (for the most part).

You’re right, I could have worded that a lot better, my apologies. See my PM

 

[love-bias]

You’re right, I could have worded that a lot better, my apologies. See my PM

Actually truth be told, I think God meant for you to write what you did. It helped put things in perspective for me. When I criticised what you wrote, you may realize, I was just being defensive. You’ve got absolutely nothing to worry about. I wish my Mother could have a friend like you.

Thank you kindly.
Jason

 

[shannyk]

Actually truth be told, I think God meant for you to write what you did. It helped put things in perspective for me. When I criticised what you wrote, you may realize, I was just being defensive. You’ve got absolutely nothing to worry about. I wish my Mother could have a friend like you.

Thank you kindly.
Jason

You’re welcome, and we are neighbors so if there is any way I can help mom feel free to PM me

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Jason, any mom reading what you wrote would be annoyed, so forgive the motherly reactions.

Some things you may not know about your mom:

Since she found out she was pregnant with you, her world has revolved around your health, safety, welfare and happiness.

Taking care of you and seeing to your every need was often at the expense of her own needs, wants, dreams and freedom.

You may think you are grown up and don’t need a mother, but when you came along, you made an irreplaceable hole in her heart that only you can fill. You may be eager to escape it now that you are “grown up” but when you do, know that she will still have that hole in her heart shaped like you.

You are an “adult” now and feel you can see all her faults and failings and judge her. She still remembers everything about you and all your faults, weaknesses and wrongdoing and loves you madly anyway.

You want to tell her what she is allowed to do and be in your life. She just wants to be a part of your life, if only as your laundress. How sad you haven’t found a better way for her to be involved that didn’t involve maid duties.

Time to rectify this. Don’t give mom a key unless you want her letting herself into your apartment. Do your own laundry.

Instead of being a child and freeloader dependent upon her, now is the time for you to be a real adult and see her on adult ground. Take HER out to lunch and pay for it. Talk to her about your life. Have a relationship for her that doesn’t involve her being your maid. Take her shopping and buy HER some lovely shoes or something. Your turn to spoil her a little bit. Sound boring? Years of dragging small children through stores buying them food, clothes and shoes wasn’t so fun for her either. Trust me.

Once in a while make her happy by asking her to cook your favorite food. At her house. Moms live for that. Bring a gift. Talk about yourself, your life. Don’t bring laundry.

And as for boyfriends… you don’t know what the dynamic there is. NEVER EVER say anything to boyfriend that he could use against her to control her or hurt her at a later time. Do you really want someone you don’t know too well taking YOUR words and using them to hurt her? “Even your son says you are…” There are men who do this kind of thing. Your first loyalty is to your mom. Boyfriends come and go, but a son should be forever. And a man who would sit and diss your mom to you behind her back isn’t that great. Mom needs you to watch her back. You need to tell him that you made a mistake doing that and you won’t repeat that again, and you don’t want to hear him say anything negative about your mom either.

In short… you are renegotiating your place in your mom’s life. But do it gently. She is a mom and no one will ever love you like she does. What you see as “controlling” is really the fact that no one ever tells you how not to be a mother anymore. It’s like unlearning how to read. Once you know how, it’s such a part of you, you can’t not read when you see words.

Buy a lovely card. Find what church she goes to and slip into the pew with her at the next Sunday Mass if she goes. Pray with her. Take her to breakfast afterward. Love her. She loves you and you made her feel you were kicking her out of your life. You hurt her deeply. You need to fix that and set kind boundaries. Apparently she needs to be protected from you as much as you need to be protected from her.

When you were two and exerted your individuality, you did it with kicking and tantrums. When you were a teen and you asserted your individuality, you were probably equally obnoxious. Now you are an adult reaching for a new stage of independence. Try to do it like an adult this time. With patience, love and kindness.

And by the way: Did you ever think anyone else telling you all your faults and failings was “helpful?” That probably isn’t a good idea.

You need to have an honest conversation, just you and mom, and make a list of things you both will and won’t do. “No laundry, ma. Call before you come. I’ll do the same.” That kind of thing. Admit you handled it wrong the other day and want to fix things. Good luck.

 

[happymommy]

Jason, any mom reading what you wrote would be annoyed, so forgive the motherly reactions.

Some things you may not know about your mom:

Since she found out she was pregnant with you, her world has revolved around your health, safety, welfare and happiness.

Taking care of you and seeing to your every need was often at the expense of her own needs, wants, dreams and freedom.

You may think you are grown up and don’t need a mother, but when you came along, you made an irreplaceable hole in her heart that only you can fill. You may be eager to escape it now that you are “grown up” but when you do, know that she will still have that hole in her heart shaped like you.

You are an “adult” now and feel you can see all her faults and failings and judge her. She still remembers everything about you and all your faults, weaknesses and wrongdoing and loves you madly anyway.

You want to tell her what she is allowed to do and be in your life. She just wants to be a part of your life, if only as your laundress. How sad you haven’t found a better way for her to be involved that didn’t involve maid duties.

Time to rectify this. Don’t give mom a key unless you want her letting herself into your apartment. Do your own laundry.

Instead of being a child and freeloader dependent upon her, now is the time for you to be a real adult and see her on adult ground. Take HER out to lunch and pay for it. Talk to her about your life. Have a relationship for her that doesn’t involve her being your maid. Take her shopping and buy HER some lovely shoes or something. Your turn to spoil her a little bit. Sound boring? Years of dragging small children through stores buying them food, clothes and shoes wasn’t so fun for her either. Trust me.

Once in a while make her happy by asking her to cook your favorite food. At her house. Moms live for that. Bring a gift. Talk about yourself, your life. Don’t bring laundry.

And as for boyfriends… you don’t know what the dynamic there is. NEVER EVER say anything to boyfriend that he could use against her to control her or hurt her at a later time. Do you really want someone you don’t know too well taking YOUR words and using them to hurt her? “Even your son says you are…” There are men who do this kind of thing. Your first loyalty is to your mom. Boyfriends come and go, but a son should be forever. And a man who would sit and diss your mom to you behind her back isn’t that great. Mom needs you to watch her back. You need to tell him that you made a mistake doing that and you won’t repeat that again, and you don’t want to hear him say anything negative about your mom either.

In short… you are renegotiating your place in your mom’s life. But do it gently. She is a mom and no one will ever love you like she does. What you see as “controlling” is really the fact that no one ever tells you how not to be a mother anymore. It’s like unlearning how to read. Once you know how, it’s such a part of you, you can’t not read when you see words.

Buy a lovely card. Find what church she goes to and slip into the pew with her at the next Sunday Mass if she goes. Pray with her. Take her to breakfast afterward. Love her. She loves you and you made her feel you were kicking her out of your life. You hurt her deeply. You need to fix that and set kind boundaries. Apparently she needs to be protected from you as much as you need to be protected from her.

When you were two and exerted your individuality, you did it with kicking and tantrums. When you were a teen and you asserted your individuality, you were probably equally obnoxious. Now you are an adult reaching for a new stage of independence. Try to do it like an adult this time. With patience, love and kindness.

And by the way: Did you ever think anyone else telling you all your faults and failings was “helpful?” That probably isn’t a good idea.

You need to have an honest conversation, just you and mom, and make a list of things you both will and won’t do. “No laundry, ma. Call before you come. I’ll do the same.” That kind of thing. Admit you handled it wrong the other day and want to fix things. Good luck.

And then hug her and tell her you love her. And say thank you too!! Love her and her faults while you have her!! Someday you will miss her!

 

[KCtheMommy]

Actually truth be told, I think God meant for you to write what you did. It helped put things in perspective for me. When I criticised what you wrote, you may realize, I was just being defensive. You’ve got absolutely nothing to worry about. I wish my Mother could have a friend like you.

Thank you kindly.
Jason

You’re a good guy. How can I tell? You took your lumps and now can apologize appropriately to your momma. She did what she did because she loves you, you know that.

I liked Shanny’s post too, but I tend to be up front as well. She already said what I was going to say so I’ll spare you.

If I can make make you laugh for just a second? When I first started reading I wasn’t sure of your gender so I was about to shout out “OH GIRL LET HER DO IT NOW BEORE YOU HAVE FOUR KIDS AND ALL YOU DO DAY IN AND DAY OUT IS LAUNDRY!!!” But then, I could change to “OH BOY” because with four kids, three people in my home having to wear uniforms, not to mention cloth diapering, my DH has to help with laundry. And still we have Mount Laundry-Oha in the garage.

Anyway, I understand your need for independence. Your mom’s BF is a jerk talking that way to her in front of you. Tell him to knock it off next time he starts in on her in front of you – and that it’s none of your business.

Keep saying sorry – or better yet, buy her a Hallmark card and send it over. Women love that. Mom’s love it even more.

God Bless