"As for me and my house we will serve the Lord"...even adult children?

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taylor147

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My legally seperated daughter her 2 children, our grandchildren, recently moved in with us. I’m terribly upset about the seperation for starters. I don’t believe she put any effort in to save to marriage. My son in law seems desperate to work on himself and win her back but she blatenly ignores him and only does what her lawyer says. I’ve tried talking to her but she won’t speak a word about it to me. But my biggest quelm is about her lost interest in her faith. She was brought up Catholic in a tight knit Catholic community. She was a perfect student, smart girl with a zest for life and lived to serve. Now she refuses to go to mass or let is take my grandchildren. At first she excused herself in one way or another. Then she finally said she was an atheist, she knew it upset me but it was her choice as was the religious instruction of her children. Of course I never wanted her marriage to crumble but her being here has helped tremendously. She is a nurse so she takes care of my elderly father who is battling late stage cancer. If my wife and i had to do this on our own I’d likely have to put him in a facility. She also pays rent, buys food, cooks and helps with her younger siblings when she isn’t at work. Physically and financially it would be difficult if she moved out. But spiritually, not so much. I feel she is setting a bad example for my younger children. in my living room I have a plaque that reads"As for me and my house we will serve the Lord". she’s my daughter, living in my house, eating at my table. My wife and i are wrestling with asking her to leave and could really use other opinions and advice.
 
It’s very hard to respond to such a complex and emotional situaton, but I’ll pray for your family and you.
I’m sad for the hurt you are feeling regarding your father, a great sorrow to have your Dad so ill,
and the added sadness of you daughter’s marriage breakup, the harm to her children, concern for your son-in-law, and worry regarding your grandchildren’s spiritual life.

Bottom line, I suppose, is that you have to choose between your dear father and your children, regarding the bad example given daily and weekly to your children. However as your Dad is in late-stage cancer, he certainly is a priority. Presumably, your Dad is too ill not to need a resident nurse, so she cannot move elsewhere just now.

Your daughter has possibly chosen the easy option of going back home which makes it easier not to try to save her marriage, even if she wanted to, which as you say, she doesn’t. If/when she works, the convenience is for free childcare, on the one hard, and for you, the payoff is to have a nurse for your Dad in his final-stage illness.

For the sake of your younger children and your responsibility towards their spiritual welfare, when that time comes for your dear father, perhaps you should consider that your daughter has a deadline to find a place of her own and make provision for her children for the life she has chosen of a divorced woman. It seems a choice, as she is not willing to respond to her husband’s efforts.

You have no control over your daughter’s choices or how she intends to raise her children. Those and her intransigence are her choices as an adult.
Ultimately, ou can only continue to uphold the responsibility to your own children under your care.

God bless you and your family.
 
I would just say if you want to stay in this house you have to obey the rules. If I had an adult child that refused to attend mass etc. I’d be asking them to leave for precisely the reason you state. Bad example to younger children.
 
taylor147 said:
and only does what her lawyer says.
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I understand your concerns, but this is usually the right thing to do. There may be things about the marriage that she has not shared with you.

It’s your house, so it’s of course up to you about letting her and her children stay. But it sounds like she is contributing a great deal to the family, despite going through a terrible time herself. Is not going to church – which may be a temporary reaction to her marriage crumbling – worth kicking them out?
 
You might want to have some conversations with her about her beliefs. It takes a lot of faith to be an atheist!

Educate yourself on the new atheism, on the common atheist apologetics. Two great sources are Trent Horn’s work and the Red Pill Religion website/podcast.

Make it a dialogue with your daughter.
 
That is a good idea. I’ve tried speaking to her about it but she has always been a child of science and as much as I hate to admit it is smarter than me when it comes to such things and she’s a heck of a debater. She has a master’s degree I’m science for nursing and knows much about my faith as well. discussions about faith always end with nothing accomplished but bruised egos and hurt feelings.
 
Honestly it would make me feel horrible to use her like that. If she needs to go I’d rather her just go. I don’t want to use her for free healthcare then kick her out. I don’t imagine she’d struggle to much. She makes good money. She has friends and other family that would help with her children. I am also concerned about my relationship with her and my grandchildren. How do i ask her to leave without causing a rift?
 
If it were me, I’d be appreciative of the fact that she is paying rent and buying her food and extraordinarily grateful that she was caring for my dying father.

But that’s just me…
taylor147 said:
How do i ask her to leave without causing a rift?
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Yeah…asking her to leave - especially under the circumstances you have described - is very likely to cause a rift…

And if she did continue to care for your dying father after you kick her out, then I’d suggest you have a good hard think about who is the more Christ-like in this situation.

But, again, that’s just me…
 
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Trishie said:
For the sake of your younger children and your responsibility towards their spiritual welfare, when that time comes for your dear father, perhaps you should consider that your daughter has a deadline to find a place of her own and make provision for her children for the life she has chosen of a divorced woman. It seems a choice, as she is not willing to respond to her husband’s efforts.
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But really, we don’t know anything about why she is leaving him. She may have excellent reasons. It’s not fair to say she’s “choosing” to be divorced when we don’t know.
 
You don’t.
You raised her, she is an adult and it is her choice to practice or not practice her faith.
If you give her an ultimatum, attend Mass or move out, chances are she will move out and you will have no relationship with any of them.

I am pretty sure that is not what you want.
 
Exactly. It doesn’t sound like the OP is doing her a favor so much as this is a family of adults coming together to take care of children and an elderly relative. It’s actually really touching. If I were paying rent and helping out and I was met with that, my relationship with my parents would never be the same, and their relationship with my child would suffer as a result.

Even if you could get her to go to mass out of respect for you, she has her own kids to think about and would probably be horrified at the idea of taking them to a church to be taught things that she believes are factually incorrect at best, and immoral at worst.

From the sounds of it, she’s not trying to interfere with the religious upbringing of the OP’s other children. He should show his adult daughter the same respect.
 
From what you are describing, your daughter is doing right by you, her siblings, and her dying grandfather. Sounds like she is a good person. Isn’t caring for the sick, and caring for her siblings serving the Lord too? I understand that the fact that her marriage is crumbling and that she does not go to church anymore is painful for you. However, she is going through a very hard period of her life. Even though she is your daughter, you likely do not know or understand every detail of her marriage, what she may have already done trying to save it, and all the reasons for separation. If I were in your shoes, I would withhold my judgment on both her marriage and her lack of faith, and support her. In my opinion, asking her to leave now because she does not go to Mass will not make her more likely to return to Catholic Church and will damage your relationship long-term. As for your younger children, they already live in a world with many atheists and people of different faiths, I do not believe that having an elder sister who is an atheist will damage their faith as much as you think. Moreover, showing your love and care for their sibling with whom you fundamentally disagree on important issues, may make them more secure in your love for them.
 
Perhaps your daughter does not wish to speak of her marriage because she wants to protect you or the father of her children. There may be some strong reason relevant to her decision but no one else’s business but theirs. She may be strong enough to deal with her marriage problems without drawing others in to whatever difficulties encountered.

I reacted too much to the emotion of your parental concerns and the pain of your dilemma to give a balanced response, but you may need just to trust in God to protect your younger children’s faith when they see your grandchildren aren’t made to go to Mass, despite any fear that any of your younger children think, “why should I have to go then. They don’t have to”. They might, but there is not any guarantee that any of our children will remain faithful to Mass as they grow and leave home despite best efforts and prayers.

God bless you and your family
 
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Wow, she is an example of Christian charity in helping you out and you want to kick her out?
 
The only thing that I can add to the good responses is that whatever you decide please consider communicating with her instead of giving ultimatums or deadlines and evictions.
Eg:I think saying to your daughter “I’m not sure what to do because I’m concerned that the other children’s spiritual lives are being negatively affected and you know that I’m a Catholic” will be more conducive to maintaining a harmonious relationship rather than harshly saying “you’ve got 30 days to move out because your spiritual non beliefs are affecting the other children”.

What also comes to mind is while your daughter technically doesn’t believe in Jesus etc is she still actually being Christian in a way because she’s selflessly looking after your father?
Contrast that to many other children in the world who simply live self absorbed lives.
 
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I understand what you are going through.
I don't know what to say, except pray day in and day out about this.
 
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