"as we forgive those who trespass against us."

[ChangingHeart]

I’ve heard forgiveness refered to as, “giving up your right to revenge.” I don’t feel that such is enough, however. How do we TRULY forgive someone who has wronged us, yet that we never need to interact with again? (Thus, reconciling isn’t the issue, but forgiving.) What if someone did something to us that hurt us sooooo bad, we’ve forsaken our right to revenge, we will never interact with the person again, but we are still drowning in the emotional pain that was caused by that person. (No, I’m NOT refering to a former lover, nor a family member.)

Please give me some advice(not platitudes, “pray about it,” “offer it up,” the parable of the merciless official, nor other Scripture that tells us we have to forgive. I already know that. I need to know how.) on this issue. Thank You.

 

[homewardbound]

I’m interested in an answer as well. I honestly don’t feel forgiveness is necessary in all things, but it is definitely best I’m sure…but how can one do that after someone has destroyed your life? To me, it seems almost impossible.

 

[Mirdath]

How long ago did it happen? Waiting – and keeping on going with your life, not looking back – may well be the only answer.

 

[whatevergirl]

I’ve heard forgiveness refered to as, “giving up your right to revenge.” I don’t feel that such is enough, however. How do we TRULY forgive someone who has wronged us, yet that we never need to interact with again? (Thus, reconciling isn’t the issue, but forgiving.) What if someone did something to us that hurt us sooooo bad, we’ve forsaken our right to revenge, we will never interact with the person again, but we are still drowning in the emotional pain that was caused by that person. (No, I’m NOT refering to a former lover, nor a family member.)

Please give me some advice(not platitudes, “pray about it,” “offer it up,” the parable of the merciless official, nor other Scripture that tells us we have to forgive. I already know that. I need to know how.) on this issue. Thank You.

Hi CH;

The way I have tried to view forgiveness is trying to see the person who hurt me, through Christ’s lense. See the person of Christ, in that person. My brother in law was very verbally abusive during my childhood, and for many years, I had a hard time forgiving him. But, I would continue to pray for him…and one day, I felt touched by an angel, so to speak. ‘See your BIL the way Christ does, as a weak sinner just like you.’ And, that did it. (Not that Christ only sees us as weak sinners, mind you …but in seeing my brother in law as flawed and weak…and thinking about my own flaws and weaknesses, I could understand the revelation that day) Christ also sees us without sin. Sees our best selves, and what He hopes us to be. That can be a tough leap, when you are angry/hurt/betrayed by someone.

Forgiveness is a choice…and even if you never hear I’m sorry, it’s still a choice to forgive someone, and see them as Christ does. Doesn’t mean you have to associate with the person, or be his/her best bud, just means that in forgiveness, we become more like Christ…who forgives us for offenses that pain Him as well. I hope this helps? God bless you…I’m sorry for your pain, CH. (I’m assuming you are speaking of your own pain?)

 

[homewardbound]

How long ago did it happen? Waiting – and keeping on going with your life, not looking back – may well be the only answer.

How does one do this when things from the past keep causing problems? Either physically or mentally? Such as PTSD, which causes flashbacks and panic with no warning or reason. Or stomach illnesses(GERD IBS) which stemmed from the events that cause one to be in constant pain that no meds help? My issue is abuse, and although I rarely think about it anymore, my mind will sometimes take me back anyway or cause mental distress in psychosis or mood disorders. Though I know I might still have some of these problems regardless of events occurring in my life, I do believe it wouldn’t be anywhere near as bad had those things not happened so I have a hard time not still being angry and not being able to forgive. Especially since none of them will admit to what they did.

I know praying and doing my best to move on is probably the best I can do, I do also wish I was able to just forgive and forget. Just seems the subconscious parts of my mind won’t let me and its draining. I long for the peace of forgiveness and moving on.

I don’t wanna take over this thread with just my issue so I hope the OP responds as well.

 

[whatevergirl]

How does one do this when things from the past keep causing problems? Either physically or mentally? Such as PTSD, which causes flashbacks and panic with no warning or reason. Or stomach illnesses(GERD IBS) which stemmed from the events that cause one to be in constant pain that no meds help? My issue is abuse, and although I rarely think about it anymore, my mind will sometimes take me back anyway or cause mental distress in psychosis or mood disorders. Though I know I might still have some of these problems regardless of events occurring in my life, I do believe it wouldn’t be anywhere near as bad had those things not happened so I have a hard time not still being angry and not being able to forgive. Especially since none of them will admit to what they did.

I know praying and doing my best to move on is probably the best I can do, I do also wish I was able to just forgive and forget. Just seems the subconscious parts of my mind won’t let me and its draining. I long for the peace of forgiveness and moving on.

I don’t wanna take over this thread with just my issue so I hope the OP responds as well.

In some ways, like sin…forgiveness isn’t going to take away the effects of the pain someone caused. If that makes sense. I’m sorry to interrupt, just saw this and wanted to reply. I think that everything is in the striving…you may never fully forget…and the trauma may have long lasting effects…but you can strive daily to forgive…accepting that there will be days of great pain, and other days that you will be just fine. I think that we assume because we forgive someone, that our pain will go away. It never really went away from my BIL…but I am able to cope with it, through forgiving him. The choice I made to forgive him too, helped me to be released of the bondage I was in. I think it must be incredibly hard to suffer in the pain you’re in, and still need to forgive. Only God’s grace will help us when the cross gets so heavy. I will keep you in my prayers…but I hope that my thoughts helped.

 

[homewardbound]

In some ways, like sin…forgiveness isn’t going to take away the effects of the pain someone caused. If that makes sense. I’m sorry to interrupt, just saw this and wanted to reply. I think that everything is in the striving…you may never fully forget…and the trauma may have long lasting effects…but you can strive daily to forgive…accepting that there will be days of great pain, and other days that you will be just fine. I think that we assume because we forgive someone, that our pain will go away. It never really went away from my BIL…but I am able to cope with it, through forgiving him. The choice I made to forgive him too, helped me to be released of the bondage I was in. I think it must be incredibly hard to suffer in the pain you’re in, and still need to forgive. Only God’s grace will help us when the cross gets so heavy. I will keep you in my prayers…but I hope that my thoughts helped.

Thank you. I don’t think it will ever take away the pain of what happened, no…but I guess I think if I could bring myself to forgive them it might help me feel more at peace spiritually, with God. It took me a long time just to forgive God, and that I am most ashamed of and I guess I still feel awful about even though I have long realized how silly it was to be so angry with Him. Its just a hard thing to do(forgive), which many cannot understand. I am glad you have been able to forgive your BIL. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate them very much.

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

I’ve heard forgiveness refered to as, “giving up your right to revenge.” I don’t feel that such is enough, however. How do we TRULY forgive someone who has wronged us, yet that we never need to interact with again? (Thus, reconciling isn’t the issue, but forgiving.) What if someone did something to us that hurt us sooooo bad, we’ve forsaken our right to revenge, we will never interact with the person again, but we are still drowning in the emotional pain that was caused by that person. (No, I’m NOT refering to a former lover, nor a family member.)

Please give me some advice(not platitudes, “pray about it,” “offer it up,” the parable of the merciless official, nor other Scripture that tells us we have to forgive. I already know that. I need to know how.) on this issue. Thank You.

I guess that forgiveness, in the sense of letting it go, will free you from the need to feel the pain.

Easier said than done.

 

[whatevergirl]

Thank you. I don’t think it will ever take away the pain of what happened, no…but I guess I think if I could bring myself to forgive them it might help me feel more at peace spiritually, with God. It took me a long time just to forgive God, and that I am most ashamed of and I guess I still feel awful about even though I have long realized how silly it was to be so angry with Him. Its just a hard thing to do(forgive), which many cannot understand. I am glad you have been able to forgive your BIL. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate them very much.

You’re most welcome! I was angry with God growing up…my parents died when I was young, and my dad was replaced with my BIL, to raise me? Why was this happening to me? Why did God ‘do’ this to me? Over time, in much prayer, through confessions with priests, through reading excellent Catholic books on forgiveness…I came to the conclusion that God doesn’t mind if we are angry with Him. He minds if we disobey Him though, due to that anger. Interestingly, we have an obligation to God, to still follow His laws, despite our anger with Him. I recall feeling very ashamed as well…for my anger towards God. My resentment towards not having my parents to grow up with.

In forgiving the person/people who hurt you, betrayed you…you will find a closeness to Christ, that is hard to explain. I have always looked at not forgiving someone, as a barrier between not only me and my ‘neighbor,’ but me and God. God can be a tough task master at times. lol But, He asks us to forgive, because His son did on the cross. Imagine being crucified, and as you die…bleeding from a horrific scourging…you can manage to muster up…‘Father forgive them for they do now know what they are doing.’ Imagine that! I can’t imagine it. But, if our Lord can forgive like that…perhaps, we could strive to be like that. Just strive. No need to move mountains…just take it slow. Forgiveness is a process…just let it flow through you…and hopefully, you will find the peace you are seeking. :hug1:

 

[TMC]

The way I have tried to view forgiveness is trying to see the person who hurt me, through Christ’s lense. See the person of Christ, in that person.
…
Forgiveness is a choice…and even if you never hear I’m sorry, it’s still a choice to forgive someone, and see them as Christ does.

In some ways, like sin…forgiveness isn’t going to take away the effects of the pain someone caused.
…

The choice I made to forgive him too, helped me to be released of the bondage I was in. I think it must be incredibly hard to suffer in the pain you’re in, and still need to forgive. Only God’s grace will help us when the cross gets so heavy.

In forgiving the person/people who hurt you, betrayed you…you will find a closeness to Christ, that is hard to explain. I have always looked at not forgiving someone, as a barrier between not only me and my ‘neighbor,’ but me and God.

Wow, I just have to chime in to say that this is a wise and deep understanding of forgiveness, and that I think you have hit upon what I think is the most important and least understood part of our faith.

Forgiveness is hard. We always hear that it is hard to be a good Christian, and how we have to pick up our Cross and follow Him. Many equate that to getting to all the right Masses, following the rules on sex and other moral issues, studying religion, donating to charity, etc. But I always say the toughest rule is the simplest, “love your neighbor as yourself”, for the very reasons Whatevergirl sets out. To love and forgive means a lot more than not seeking vengence. Its hard to love and forgive those that don’t love and forgive us back. But Christ pointed out that there is no merit in loving those that love us back, everyone does that! And forgiving may help you get past what happened, but it may not. If the point of forgiveness was to make you feel better, it would be rooted in selfishness, not love.

Whatevergirl has it right. I also try to see that person as Christ does. The meanest, most vile SOB you ever ran across has the same divinely granted dignity that you or I or anyone has. If Christ can love him, who am I to reject him? You can choose to truly forgive someone who has truly hurt you. It is within your power. Like anything else you may not have had to do before, it won’t come easily or naturally. But it is the most Christ-like thing a human being is capable of. It will bring you closer to Christ. Hopefully this type of forgiveness is not required of you more than a few times in your life. But those times give you an oppourtunity to glimpse what Christ has done for each of us.

Have patience. Christ loves you also, and understands your difficulty. Really wanting to is most of the battle. I pray that you find peace in your efforts. Keep the Faith.

 

[Newbie2]

I guess that forgiveness, in the sense of letting it go, will free you from the need to feel the pain.

Easier said than done.

Yes, indeed.

Forgiving isn’t necessarily reconciling, if the other party isn’t intereted in reconciling. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you don’t necessarily want to put yourself in the presence of that particular person again, if you know or think that interacting will lead to more problems.

OK, here’s a platitude (sorry ) You have to love them but you don’t have to like them.

 

[daeve]

The day I was able to give up my anger and resentment toward my ex-husband was the day I realized I was the only who was hurt by it. HE didn’t care. There was no physical abuse involved, but he made me feel useless, worthless, ugly and stupid. I’m none of those things. I forgave him – in my mind, I didn’t say I forgive you for hurting me – and was able to give up the pain it caused me too. I don’t think this is easy, but it was the right way for me to do it.

 

[Malcolm_McLean]

It’s an imperfect forgiveness. You’ve given up your right to revenge, or maybe for the money back, but you haven’t restored that person to the status they held before the offence.

However a perfect forgiveness is very costly, particularly if the person hasn’t perfectly repented. Also you don’t have to be suckered twice.

 

[whatevergirl]

Wow, I just have to chime in to say that this is a wise and deep understanding of forgiveness, and that I think you have hit upon what I think is the most important and least understood part of our faith.

Forgiveness is hard. We always hear that it is hard to be a good Christian, and how we have to pick up our Cross and follow Him. Many equate that to getting to all the right Masses, following the rules on sex and other moral issues, studying religion, donating to charity, etc. But I always say the toughest rule is the simplest, “love your neighbor as yourself”, for the very reasons Whatevergirl sets out. To love and forgive means a lot more than not seeking vengence. Its hard to love and forgive those that don’t love and forgive us back. But Christ pointed out that there is no merit in loving those that love us back, everyone does that! And forgiving may help you get past what happened, but it may not. If the point of forgiveness was to make you feel better, it would be rooted in selfishness, not love.

Whatevergirl has it right. I also try to see that person as Christ does. The meanest, most vile SOB you ever ran across has the same divinely granted dignity that you or I or anyone has. If Christ can love him, who am I to reject him? You can choose to truly forgive someone who has truly hurt you. It is within your power. Like anything else you may not have had to do before, it won’t come easily or naturally. But it is the most Christ-like thing a human being is capable of. It will bring you closer to Christ. Hopefully this type of forgiveness is not required of you more than a few times in your life. But those times give you an oppourtunity to glimpse what Christ has done for each of us.

Have patience. Christ loves you also, and understands your difficulty. Really wanting to is most of the battle. I pray that you find peace in your efforts. Keep the Faith.

Thank you for your comments and wise insights, as well!

To CH, and others struggling to forgive…

It took me 15 years to forgive my BIL. I actually thought I had forgiven him, but what I learned through the process, is that when we don’t forgive others, we will NOT TRUST people who had nothing to do with hurting us in the first place. Forgiveness can be a very therapeutic thing!

I discovered that if a person doesn’t forgive, he/she will have future hang ups with trusting others. (that others won’t hurt them in some other way, perhaps) While we think we are keeping forgivenes in check, and only targeted at a specific person, the longer we go holding on to that, the less room in our hearts we will have to love others. Really, trust me…this is true. I remember becoming very cynical about men in my life, even after I married, I had a hard time trusting that my husband was not going to hurt me in some way.

My husband has two brothers who do not speak to one another at all…for the past 12 years, due to a business arrangement disagreement. Basically, they don’t speak over money. (Family and money don’t always mix, topic for another time) My husband’s one brother has apologized to the other brother, but the one is still hanging on to the past…to the grudge. And, trust me–he is very cynical and even mean spirited at times. He trusts no one, and has told me as much, when I have visited with him and his wife. So…forgiveness…if he would just release it, he would be a free man!

Plus, I think people feel that if they forgive someone, they think that their feelings didn’t matter, or they will be viewed like a doormat. No, it doesn’t mean to just act like whatever it was that hurt you, did not happen. But, it is to enable you to free up your heart to love. That’s what UNforgiveness does…it gives us a heart attack, so to speak. It attacks our ability to trust and love others. If you disagree, get your heart checked, and see if not forgiving someone has affected you adversely with others. I am not going to bet on it, but I suspect the forgiveness that you won’t release, has caused some major heart problems for you.

Plus–and probably the most important reason of all–is we need to have a clean heart when we receive our Lord in the Eucharist. (I guess my heart wasn’t the cleanest during those years when I wouldn’t forgive my BIL ) So, God has a very good reason for wanting us to forgive others…because we then are free to love Him, and those He created.

I’m praying for everyone who has struggles in this area. Hang in there…

 

[homewardbound]

Thank you for your comments and wise insights, as well!

To CH, and others struggling to forgive…

It took me 15 years to forgive my BIL. I actually thought I had forgiven him, but what I learned through the process, is that when we don’t forgive others, we will NOT TRUST people who had nothing to do with hurting us in the first place. Forgiveness can be a very therapeutic thing!

I discovered that if a person doesn’t forgive, he/she will have future hang ups with trusting others. (that others won’t hurt them in some other way, perhaps) While we think we are keeping forgivenes in check, and only targeted at a specific person, the longer we go holding on to that, the less room in our hearts we will have to love others. Really, trust me…this is true. I remember becoming very cynical about men in my life, even after I married, I had a hard time trusting that my husband was not going to hurt me in some way.

My husband has two brothers who do not speak to one another at all…for the past 12 years, due to a business arrangement disagreement. Basically, they don’t speak over money. (Family and money don’t always mix, topic for another time) My husband’s one brother has apologized to the other brother, but the one is still hanging on to the past…to the grudge. And, trust me–he is very cynical and even mean spirited at times. He trusts no one, and has told me as much, when I have visited with him and his wife. So…forgiveness…if he would just release it, he would be a free man!

Plus, I think people feel that if they forgive someone, they think that their feelings didn’t matter, or they will be viewed like a doormat. No, it doesn’t mean to just act like whatever it was that hurt you, did not happen. But, it is to enable you to free up your heart to love. That’s what UNforgiveness does…it gives us a heart attack, so to speak. It attacks our ability to trust and love others. If you disagree, get your heart checked, and see if not forgiving someone has affected you adversely with others. I am not going to bet on it, but I suspect the forgiveness that you won’t release, has caused some major heart problems for you.

Plus–and probably the most important reason of all–is we need to have a clean heart when we receive our Lord in the Eucharist. (I guess my heart wasn’t the cleanest during those years when I wouldn’t forgive my BIL ) So, God has a very good reason for wanting us to forgive others…because we then are free to love Him, and those He created.

I’m praying for everyone who has struggles in this area. Hang in there…

What a great post. I am going to start working on forgiving. Its something I’ve put on the back burner for years because I first had to learn to forgive myself(though I now know I wasn’t to blame). Now, I think I finally have, so maybe now I am ready to start trying to forgive others. I hope so.

God Bless you and everyone else who has or is struggling with forgiveness.

 

[whatevergirl]

What a great post. I am going to start working on forgiving. Its something I’ve put on the back burner for years because I first had to learn to forgive myself(though I now know I wasn’t to blame). Now, I think I finally have, so maybe now I am ready to start trying to forgive others. I hope so.

God Bless you and everyone else who has or is struggling with forgiveness.

You can do it–keep praying…God has been so waiting for you to say this!:bounce: :hug1: Where you can’t manage it, He will take over.

It will be hard…at times. But, there will come a day…that you will be looking for that weight to put on in the morning, you know, the weight that is bogging your heart down–and it won’t be there. And you will be able to really…REALLY …live the life God has promised to us all. I’m so happy that you wrote this, can you tell???

 

[mark_a]

Forgiveness ideally presupposes remorse.

If remorse is not forthcoming, forgiving heals the forgiver.

 

[otjm]

Part of the problem is that we are thinking beings with emotions, and too often we confuse emotions with thought.

Forgiveness is an act of the will, just as loving someone is an act of the will.

Too often we associate loving someone with having good feelings towards them, or warm feelings about them; and when the feeling wan, or appear to be gone, we assume we don’t love them any more. and if the feelings come back, we assume we love them again. Neither are the truth.

Love is a choice; so is forgiveness. Emotions come and emotions go; they are not always or even usually controlled. But our choices are controlled; we either make them, or make a different choice. We either choose to forgive, or choose to not forgive. Doing so (choosing to forgive) is not any automatic guarantee that our feelings will change. Our feeling may well do so, but are rarely changed instantaneously, or even necessarily quickly. But feelings can be influenced by our choices, or lack of them. The operative term is “can” not “will” be influenced.

Another issue that can hold back the issue of forgiveness and play hob with our feelings is the need of some to “understand” why something happened. A continuing need to “understand” is often a way to hold on to the issue instead of letting it go. Most harm is not truly understandable to many, if not most people. again, forgiveness is a choice, and one does not need to understand why someone was hurtful to make an act of the will to forgive them.

as to the emotional pain that comes from a deep betrayal, it is sometimes very helpful to seek professional advice. A good counselor can be a guide to dealing with the issues.

 

[ChangingHeart]

I thank you all for your replies. I am looking to delve even deeper into this, however. What if it isn’t even one specific person that you are looking to forgive, but the human race in general, or at least the members of it by which you interacted during a certain time of your life. How do you handle feeling deep emotional hurt resulting from prolonged emotional abuse? My understanding is that forgiveness towards others is at the root of this, but am I properly viewing the situation?

 

[JoePurnell]

In order to forgive that kind of hurt, it helps immensely to focus, in a good way, on helping someone else instead of focusing inwardly on ourselves. Volunteering is the best advice I can give you. Go straight to that worthwhile cause that God’s been calling you toward in these past few days.

God bless,
Joe