Ashamed...but grateful for Blessing!

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iluvmybabies

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Well I did what I never thought I would do…And I never thought I would have to bring it up or even talk about it…ever…I thought it would just be the only mistake ever made that I didn’t have to think about any more…Just forget about it kind of thing…And move on…pretend it never happened and just continue with life!! But with every mistake comes a consequence and I am here confessing about it, just hoping for God’s miracle to continue…And the support of my brother’s and sister’s during this delicate moment…I am not making excuses for myself, I am an adult and am responsible for my mistakes, and I am not here trying to justify myself…I could have hidden this from everyone and could have come back here as a different person asking for advise, support and prayers, but nope I am facing the music and confessing I am not perfect nor do I pretend to be and yup I made a mistake…But not regretting the blessing that has come from it…

Allow me to explain…if most haven’t guessed all ready…

About a little over a month ago or so went to a party with fiance, it was his best friend’s good bye-moving out of state job and personal reason party-, and to celebrate early fiance’s bday since his bf was leaving…My closest friend took my kids for the night, the plan for me was to be home around midnight and enjoy my first night without my kids in my bathtub, and quiteness of our house without kids, for me to rest and sleep in…I always take hers, so she felt it was time she returned the favor, how could I say no!!!

Well by the time it was 10, I was a bit tipsy…I told my fiance it had been several months without me drinking and I wanted to take it slow the rest of the night…Well friends started coming in more, the party for me was all ready late for them it had just started…It has been a long time since I have partied and I wanted to get home…I needed the stress relieving of the quietness and rest…But they wouldn’t let me go! LOL I stopped drinking round 11, I remember because I kept being anxie about the time and my fiance said “what’s the matter you’re going to turn into a pumpkin?!” lol Well he got tore up…And so did everyone else, I had a couple after the toast around midnight…there were so many emotions of these guys whom grew up together and were like brothers, everyone was crying at their speeches of love and friendship and everything else… I was holding up my last cup sometime past midnight when they all looked like they were ready to crash…By then I knew I was feeling even more tipsy than before…And was trying to make my way out of the freaking party…but with everyon crying and sharing life’s stories and everything the commotion got to me…and well I stuck around…

Well in all the emotions and everything, I ended up crying with my fiance, and well one thing led to another and I gave into what I hoped to never do, and after all this time haven’t done and I ended up waking up the next morning with my fiance! I was completely irresponsible and never thought I would do such a thing…The weird thing is that I woke up with clothes on…Not sure how that happened but the more I thought about it the more I felt that nothing had happened that night at all!!! But the more I kept trying to remember the more flashbacks kept coming back and I didn’t want to go there, I wanted to believe that nothing did happen…I wanted to forget about it…I wasn’t sure what happened but I know that I was stupid and I was wrong…I left my fiance there and he didn’t think anything happened either, he kept telling me he knew he didn’t touch me, he would never do that to me and he would never take advantage of me…But the more he thought about it and the more I did the more the images kept showing up and the more we felt bad for what we did…He said he finally realized a couple of days later that something did happen, and all he kept doing was calling me, and all I wanted to do was to forget about it…I didn’t want to think about it…I was in denial…He kept apologizing and telling me that if I hated him that he would understand and I was like ok I need to grow up and get a grip…I finally spoke with him in person, and told him that if anything did happen both of us did it together not just him on me or me on him…
 
I asked him to stop apologizing and that we needed to keep a distance for what we did and try and make it to confession for what we let ourselves get temtped into as soon as possible… And to move on…I also requested that we kept a distance a bit, I felt uncomfortable thinking about the way it was even though I know the love and passion was there…I didn’t want it to interfere with my thoughts of our wedding and wedding night and what was supposed to be a wonderful blessing not a moment of passion only! 😦

He agreed…And let me have my space…He respects me so his apologies were never ending until we spoke about it…I too felt bad because I am not that way either…I mean he and I have been drinking before and didn’t go past a kiss and hugs…so it was interesting and a rude awakening to see how this turned out…

Well I went to my doctor for a regular routine pap, and he tells me he thinks I am pregnant! I am freaking out…because first of all I was told even with fertility monitorization the chances were slim I would ever get pg, and that I might have to think about getting a surrogate or even invitro in order to have children!!! So I am stuck with “what in the world are you talking about? When you said my chances were near impossible??” He said “I DON’T KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN!” Today I had an ultrasound, and I called my fiance, and told him the news…He was over joyed because he all ready had made up his mind there were going to be no children in the future, I had that mind set as well… I was like “we’re not married you know?” He said it didn’t change his feelings towards me and the fact that were were still getting married…What happened happened and that was it…We now have a responsibility on the way and I was told I was close to 4 weeks…

He’s excited and happy, he said “this was a blessing really it was because we didn’t think we would have a child, look at it in this way, I am being blessed by the woman I love carrying my baby a gift from GOD!”

I too look at this as a special blessing…It’s very early on but I know that if it wouldn’t have been meant to be it wouldn’t have happened…It goes to show me and the doctor that only GOD decides whom can have children and when…seriously because this was never expected…I still can’t believe it…Not because I am unmarried but because I was told there was almost no possible way…

I let my children know and they are over excited…My daughter said “finally hopefully this time it will be a girl and I can finally have a sister!!!” One of my boys was like “I hope we have a sister so she can finally stop crying about being the only girl!” The other one said “WOW I get to be a big brother now! Not just the little brother!”

I haven’t been so emotionally happy about it after all this isn’t the way I wanted GOD to bless us with a child, but I am grateful I get to have the opportunity of being blessed even if it’s out of wedlock…Believe me I am grateful and I don’t regret what I did… I thank GOD my fiance is working and is super excited, his first child after all…I am not ready to confess to my family. after all they thought this kind of stuff was an every day thing, sis-in-law and even sister would ask me if I would ever have a child, I said after marriage if GOD decides we are worth it, we are more than welcoming…But I know they were hoping like I too was, marriage first and then baby…But what can I say, I am responsible and just hope baby and I make it out ok!

But the blessing came unexpected and very early…and even though it was a hectic night, I know the love was there…So we are happy and hope that we have a healthy pregnancy…With the swineflu epidemic and all it’s scary to think about it…I pray and hope to GOD we make it ok…It’s going to be a long winter, and I hope GOD allows this blessing and myself to make it out safely…And that my fiance gets to stay employed…and that our engagement continues and wedding is fulfilled…through God’s grace and mercy.

Your prayers are appreciated…and I am grateful to share in my joy of being blessed with a baby again…after I was told several years ago that was not going to happen ever again…

Thank you all, GOD bless and hope you have a blessed day!
 
It just goes to show you that God knows what is our hearts. Even though you made a mistake (getting drunk - having sex wasn’t really a concious decision) God made an awesome thing out of it. I personally don’t think any less of you. We are human beings and we mess up from time to time. How soon to the wedding and can you get your dress adjusted? Please tell me it’s not white? lol. ;)😛 Just kidding.

Life is always to be cherished. Besides although it doesn’t nullify anything at least you have been married before so atleast it wasn’t the first time with the big F and it will at least be the first time that you can REMEMBER.
 
Congratulations.

I…well… just would have waited to tell the kids so they don’t get the idea what you did was a good thing, and would have moved up the wedding. Like immediately.

I"ve seen God send babies to other people who had no expectation at all they could ever be parents. Sometimes it happens.

What are you waiting for on the wedding?
 
joandarc2008 said:
It just goes to show you that God knows what is our hearts. Even though you made a mistake (getting drunk - having sex wasn’t really a concious decision) God made an awesome thing out of it. I personally don’t think any less of you. We are human beings and we mess up from time to time. How soon to the wedding and can you get your dress adjusted? Please tell me it’s not white? lol. ;)😛 Just kidding.

Life is always to be cherished. Besides although it doesn’t nullify anything at least you have been married before so atleast it wasn’t the first time with the big F and it will at least be the first time that you can REMEMBER.
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Thanks Joandarc, I wasn’t that drunk, it was stupid all the emotions man I couldn’t believe I let myself get caught up…I am not that way…Seriously!! AND yeah even tipsy it’s not an excuse to say it wasn’t a conscious decision, you know I was there he was and whatever…BUT yes, uhm, I spent a few days crying about it and beating myself up for it, then out of no where this lady I work with saw that I was kind of down, she was like “whatever it may be it isn’t as bad as you think, look at you, you are here healthy and I am sure your children are too…What’s the reason to be sad about? A problem you are having, a mistake that was made, life is all about learning and now you can learn from this, enjoy your life, count your blessings and keep on going, GOD loves you and HE will never give you something you can’t handle!” I was like huh you are talking to me??? Kind of look…And she smiled and was like have a great day hon! 😃 I was like What in the world? And I hadn’t spoken with my fiance, so I was trying to avoid him at all costs because I couldn’t forgive myself…I really couldn’t…guilty conscience and all but I was trying to pretend it didn’t happen you know, kind of like “oh as long as I don’t think about it it will go away!” Kind of attitude…

And she made me smile and I felt so foolish and was like I need to grow up… I spoke with my fiance and he’s hated himself too like I did myself…But I told him what she said and I was like WOW she just read right through me…crazy!!! And well found out today so hurray and GOD bless…

Yeah I wouldn’t get a white dress even if the church said I had to…I don’t like white, I am kind of pale and it makes look gross, I didn’t marry in white the first time, I had a champagne colored dress with off white little characters, I actually wanted a light blue or even a champagne with some pink or lavender colors in it but I couldn’t find a dress like that 11 years ago without paying an arm and a leg! A friend of mine got married with a gorgeous white silky gown with huge red roses all over it…I was like WOW!!! That’s different! But they were like “why wear white when it shouldn’t even matter what color your dress is, you’re not here to celebrate the dress you are here to celebrate the new couple being welcomed by GOD to His family!!!” Good point…

This time I am going with a different colored gown, thinking again, champaign with a tan or brown color in it…I saw a couple of pics and I love it…The colors chosen were either dark brown/red cherry, or truffle and tan… Still debating…Maid of honor wants the dark brown/cherry colors but finding the suits for that is even harder than I thought!!! 😦

Anyhow, we’re excited and yeah it was completely immature and out of character for even me… But GOD definitely showed me to stop believing in what others say and really trust in Him only…I had seriously given up the thought wasn’t even praying for a child in the future any more…I just stopped hearing about the doctor’s plan and the costs I was like UHM what? And this invitro stuff and everything in case I wanted to in the future was not something I was looking forward to and I did make my fiance believe it was not going to happen…I was just not willing to endure the horrors of the fertility stuff he had shown me later on in the future! I really was not!

And he said he was grateful GOD taught us a lesson…Of course not how we wanted it, but you know His will isn’t ours…And even then GOD didn’t have to bless us after our mistake, but He did and we are super excited to have an ever growing family…thank GOD you know!

God bless…
 
Liberanosamalo said:
Congratulations.

I…well… just would have waited to tell the kids so they don’t get the idea what you did was a good thing, and would have moved up the wedding. Like immediately.

I"ve seen God send babies to other people who had no expectation at all they could ever be parents. Sometimes it happens.

What are you waiting for on the wedding?
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Yeah I did talk to them about the wrongness of us not being married but that we were still with the date set and everything…My daugther said “well God does work in mysterious ways!” lol I was like yup…But it doesn’t mean that my choice was correct…And she looked at me and said “but that doesn’t mean GOD doesn’t love you or that he won’t forgive you!” I said maybe but that’s not the point, the point is that we are supposed to live the right way not the wrong way…She said she was excited to see the baby and hope he was in the wedding! LOL I was like uhm…yeah…

Oh man moving up the wedding was not in the plans at all…On the contrary…We had to move it for a later date, my brother just got engaged and beat us in telling the family about the wedding date, my parents bought their tickets and everything for their june wedding, and my dad planned on taking off 2 weeks to spend in Idaho with my brother before the wedding! My sister had plans all ready before he announced for July and August with their family to go on vacation, so when he told her about the wedding she destroyed their July plans because her hubby only has so much in vacation…When I announced the August wedding well everyone was disappointed!!! 😦 I was like HUH? We live so far away everything has to be saved and told a head of time, a lot of time! And unless I don’t want family there, I had to move it for the year after!!! My brother is getting married June next year and I had to move mine for the year after… Seems unfair but it was the only way to get my family here…

Otherwise we’d get married just the 2 of us and my kids…we had a nice small family wedding planned…photographer and all chosen…budget set and money saved and everything…Not sure how it will work out now…
 
Honestly - the wedding is not about family, the dress, etc. It is about five people.

You
Him
The Father
The Son
The Holy Spirit

I agree - move the date up and hey - the moeny saved by not having the big party can be put in the kids’ college funds.
 
Have you talked to Father about this? Most of the time your priest will not move a wedding up because of a pregnancy. That can be pressure to marry and invalidate the marriage (you must get married without pressure to do so).
 
joandarc2008 said:
Honestly - the wedding is not about family, the dress, etc. It is about five people.

You
Him
The Father
The Son
The Holy Spirit

I agree - move the date up and hey - the moeny saved by not having the big party can be put in the kids’ college funds.
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I understand…and yeah you are definitely right but it is my first church wedding wanted everyone to be there and celebrate with me…
 
kage_ar said:
Have you talked to Father about this? Most of the time your priest will not move a wedding up because of a pregnancy. That can be pressure to marry and invalidate the marriage (you must get married without pressure to do so).
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Nope haven’t spoken to him about it just found out so I haven’t had the opportunity to call him, besides I doubt he’ll move it up just because, I know a couple whom attended their premarital classes with our same priest and she got pg right after they started the classes the father wouldn’t move up their wedding date and they got married after the baby was born…I saw pics of them posted on the bulletin board and they looked great with their new baby…They had 4 before that one and that was their 5th so they had a nice family…

I understand and the pressure is not there…It isn’t because of the baby, we wanted to get married without the thought of ever having one so lol this isn’t for a faster marriage…lol
 
Just for the record, you do know that in vitro fertilization is condemned by the Church and wouldn’t have been an option for you.

So this is a blessing in that you do have mutual fertility.

It’s good going into marriage knowing that.
 
Iluv…wow congratulations on your newest blessing. I am very excited for you and will start praying for this child to be a healthy happy little bundle as it grows.
In your case, when you believed you were unable to concieve and now you are having a baby but not under the circumstances you envisioned…I can see how that might feel a little bittersweet.
The one thing I highly reccomend is allowing this child to be born to married parents. If this means pushing up the wedding and having a simple affair with just two witnesses and close family, then so be it. You can have a celebration later. I know you really want to have a big, church wedding to share with everyone…but at a certain point our actions forfiet some of our plans.
I know you have mentioned your fiance’s family being less than kind to you…what has their reaction been to the new baby? Or have you told them yet? If they are negative towards this new life…you need to protect yourself and keep your distance without apologies. It is a time for you to be healthy and relaxed and I know you have a very stressful life sometimes. Take care of yourself and forget the naysayers. I am sure your ex will try and get his digs in at you as well.

Congratulations!!
 
Liberanosamalo said:
Just for the record, you do know that in vitro fertilization is condemned by the Church and wouldn’t have been an option for you.

So this is a blessing in that you do have mutual fertility.

It’s good going into marriage knowing that.
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Uhm yeah of course, I wasn’t even thinking into that, like I said I wasn’t going to be willing even if it wasn’t condemned… Like I said fiance and I just stopped even thinking about a baby all together…

Yes it’s incredible to have this blessing…It really is!
 
MercyMia said:
Iluv…wow congratulations on your newest blessing. I am very excited for you and will start praying for this child to be a healthy happy little bundle as it grows.
In your case, when you believed you were unable to concieve and now you are having a baby but not under the circumstances you envisioned…I can see how that might feel a little bittersweet.
The one thing I highly reccomend is allowing this child to be born to married parents. If this means pushing up the wedding and having a simple affair with just two witnesses and close family, then so be it. You can have a celebration later. I know you really want to have a big, church wedding to share with everyone…but at a certain point our actions forfiet some of our plans.
I know you have mentioned your fiance’s family being less than kind to you…what has their reaction been to the new baby? Or have you told them yet? If they are negative towards this new life…you need to protect yourself and keep your distance without apologies. It is a time for you to be healthy and relaxed and I know you have a very stressful life sometimes. Take care of yourself and forget the naysayers. I am sure your ex will try and get his digs in at you as well.

Congratulations!!
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Thanks Mercy, I haven’t told his family…My fiance says he wants to wait till I am a little further on, he says “We don’t want no ill wishes to complicate things!” And I agreed with him…I also want to wait to tell my family a little further down the line…I was told I was about 4 weeks so I was even lucky to find out this soon!!! The good thing is that I am taking my prenatals and seeing my doctor…I haven’t touched a single thing of alcohol since that night, man did I feel stupid…AND well, yeah, it’s a bit bittersweet…I am not that irresponsible…All my kids were born in marriage if you want to call it that! LOL But I have loved my kids since before they were born, my exhusband wasn’t happy at all every time I was pg until I was about to have each child…gave me the worst pregnancies all 3 of them…I almost lost my daughter, and then my 2nd had other health problems and I almost had complications with my 3rd…So far today my fiance is making sure I am ok, it’s kind of funny he’s not my husband yet but treats me better than my last one! LOL He makes sure I ate well, pushed me for more healthy choices, he promised me to help me more around the house… I have been exhausted out of nothing and I hated myself for being so lazy and I told him. I don’t know what’s wrong with me! Well now I know! LOL

I know at first it didn’t really dawn on him until I told him I had an ultrasound this morning then he was like WOAH! kind of thing because well I was told I couldn’t have any and the doctor himself was doubting, he was like “oh sometimes your imbalanced hormones can cause pregnancy symptoms before periods!” I was like OK! So there went the ultrasound and he found a baby…So he was like “Well yes there is a baby! About 4 weeks!” I was like WOW! Both feeling stupid!!! LOL Even my nurse was like you pg oh k! I was like yeah I guess so! lol SO, yeah…He’s been really supportive and it makes me get all emotional and c-r-a-p, lol…but so grateful…I just hope my family shares in with this happy unbelievable gift…I know my sis-in-law will be thrilled…

I told a few of my friends and most of them were like THANK GOD I knew He would make a miracle happen! AND others were like “see told you not to listen to the idiotic doctor!” lol…I am glad I have good friends that are being really supportive…

He doesn’t even want to tell his parents, he told me “it is seriously their loss!” Well his parents called him the other day, but since fiance is working he hasn’t answered the phone during the day, he forgot to answer at night… Was tired and we hadn’t spoken so we called each other and put each other to sleep…I had mentioned I was going to reg check up he asked me to let him know how all goes…I was like of course…And well, yeah… And I asked him about his parents…He said “I don’t want to but if you want them to know let’s wait till later on, no ill wills wanted to complicate things”…And I agreed I told him same thing with my family…lol…Hopefully the baby will be fine and so will I…

I hope things go well for all of us… 😃 God bless…We’ll see what our priest says! 😉
 
congrats!

Just be sure you see your priest. I know it’s all happy but I think you need the Sacrament of Penance before the marriage vows anyway.

Just think, if you didn’t have this mistake, you might have made a bigger one! God is wonderful. May you have lots of children and lots of nights “in bed” and tenderness outside the bedroom. And may you have a long loving marriage!

From “the old married fart” 🙂
 
Congrats on the new baby, prayer for a healthy nine months for you, the baby, and the rest of your family.
 
And may your fiance make lots of trips out for ice cream at 3am for you…
 
Bailey2 said:
congrats!

Just be sure you see your priest. I know it’s all happy but I think you need the Sacrament of Penance before the marriage vows anyway.

Just think, if you didn’t have this mistake, you might have made a bigger one! God is wonderful. May you have lots of children and lots of nights “in bed” and tenderness outside the bedroom. And may you have a long loving marriage!

From “the old married fart” 🙂
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Thanks, definitely…I am going to give him a call today and hopefully things will be ok…
 
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