. . . While some take pride in praying I take pride in NOT praying, because I feel if i can go my whole life without coming to the gods for aid, then I am truly being self sufficient and making the most of my strength. I may get down on my knees some day, but for now I feel that honoring and respecting the gods, and giving proper sacrifice on the Blots is what the gods want, not people asking for aid with problems they can fix themselves.
PART 1 OF 2
Ooooo, Skadi, we are SO very different in this, Brother.
I do not wish to go my whole life without touching the divine! Being with them every single moment of my life is a need for me, like oxygen!
In my youth, I wanted to be a priest. I participated in Mass twice a week with shining eyes and an expansive heart. I didn’t quite understand all the “stuff” that was going on, but I knew that it was wanted of me. The priests and nuns told me that would never be possible, that “God only wants men to do that job.” It made me feel worse when altar boys were joined by altar girls. That was as far as they could go. Ever. I felt sorry for them, wondering how their hearts were not breaking into a million pieces as they stood there watching the Father “work his magick” (no offense meant by this phrase, please - it’s just how I felt then, and I must verbalize it now)…
And so, I began my walk away from the RCC in first grade. Other things kept my interest enough, though, so that I stayed around and studied through a 4 year RC high school and 4 year RC college. (My degree is a B.S. from St. John’s University in Queens, NY, and I loved discussing theology and philosophy with the professors, some of whom were RC priests. My grades were good enough that I was allowed to be a paid tutor in those subjects and others.) In grammar school, I remember thoroughly enjoying the participation in the spring event in grammar school where all the girls dressed in beautiful pastel dresses and floral crowns with ribbons and white gloves would walk around the block of the church, carrying rosaries and missals and singing songs of honor to Our Lady, and ending at her statue in the church garden, where some lucky girl who had been chosen would climb the ladder and crown her Queen of the May. I never was that lucky girl, and my heart broke open from expansive love of the Lady, and sadness that I was “never good enough.”
Every act, every thought, every breath I take in my adult life (I am a 57 year old grandmother) is a prayer… and for those not of my faith, please try to accept my definition that for me, prayer = magick, and magick = prayer. I do not try to make things happen because I want them to happen. That is not my right. I am not the end-all and be-all of the universe. I do not know what is planned for me and for others. I do not feel it is my place to reach in and try to change or influence anything in life except by prayer, and I am 100% certain that every prayer I send forth is answered. Sometimes I may feel as if I have not been given an answer, and every single time that happens, I realize I
was given an answer, and the answer was “no” or “not this time” or “not yet” because something bigger and better was in store for me, and I needed to learn patience. I wonder if this outlook is more Christian than Pagan, but all of us are influenced by our roots, eh?
Skadi, like you, I know that I have been given all the tools I need to live. I do my best to maintain good health, strength of body, mind and spirit, and expanding intelligence. I have used these tools to go far in education, in careers, in having friends, in planning for the future, in making investments, and in doing the right thing for the sake of that which is right… performing the greater moral good at all times, without question. I may not “go to the Gods with problems I can fix myself” but I feel in the depth of my heart of hearts that I would not be able to live the positive life I live without them beside me every step of the way.
Heck, I suppose if I’d have been called to be a nun, I’d have joined a contemplative order to live in the constant presence of my holy and beautiful Parent/s*… although I like so much to do things for others in need, that maybe I’d have joined a charitable order instead. But alas, the sisterhood was not enough. Although appropriate for the sisters I knew/know, the life seemed so bland and second-class for me. I knew it would not be right to try and change the Magisterium and work towards ordination of females, because then the RCC would no longer
be the RCC. But I digress. I was called to the Priesthood all my life, and that is why I worked toward, and was given the “title” of Priestess today, in my faith. (I am a Celtic Wiccan, and yes, Wicca itself is a relatively new invention, unlike pure Paganism, which hearkens back to the time of mankind where there were no answers for any questions.) I did not feel called to any other Christian faith or order. It was the RCC or not, and so… not.
But I am beyond happy and content.
I am fulfilled, and I serve my God/dess best by serving those in need, whether human, or animal… or the planet Earth which is being abused so horribly it often it brings me to tears… all of which are expressions and gifts to humans by that which is God/dess.
