Asking a father for his daughter's hand

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Enceladus

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Hello All,

I have been dating a very special someone for over two years. We’ve gotten to the point where I’m ready to ask her to marry me. I know this is something she expects me to do soon, and I’m excited to do it. But there is an issue of distance.

We met while she was attending post graduate studies in Seattle, where I live. She now lives in New Mexico for work, but she’s originally from California, where her family still lives. I know her family well enough to know that its expected of me to ask her father for his blessing. And fortunately we will be flying down to see them in the early part of next month for the wedding of one of her cousins.

I thought I might try to call her father next week to set up a time to talk while we’re there. But I have two questions:
  1. Is it strange to call to set up the meeting before hand?
  2. Is it bad form to ask for his blessing while attending the wedding of her cousin?
I wanted to bounce this off of other people and get some feedback. Ideally I would have preferred to talk with him about this during a more casual visit, but I don’t know when we’ll be visiting them next and I want to ask her soon. I had also considered simply calling him and asking him over the phone when I get closer to asking her, but I’d prefer to do this in person if at all possible, and I would think he would appreciate a face to face chat too.

Any feedback would be appreciated.

Thank you!
 
Enceladus said:
  1. Is it strange to call to set up the meeting before hand?
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No, but I also don’t think it’s necessary. It doesn’t have to be a long conversation.
Enceladus said:
  1. Is it bad form to ask for his blessing while attending the wedding of her cousin?
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To me it seems rather fitting. It might also give you a chance to talk to her father one-on-one since your girlfriend is more likely to be occupied by the other guests. Will you only be with her family for the wedding, or will you have time to spend with them outside of the actual wedding festivities?

Some of this depends on family dynamics, of course. But nothing you’ve described sounds strange to me.

My family lives very far away from me, and my husband asked my father over the phone, as we had no planned time to see them until many months after when he wanted to propose (anniversary of our first date). My father felt that was more than sufficient, and he was very appreciative that my husband asked him.

Good luck and blessings to you 🙂
 
pensmama87 said:
My family lives very far away from me, and my husband asked my father over the phone, as we had no planned time to see them until many months after when he wanted to propose (anniversary of our first date). My father felt that was more than sufficient, and he was very appreciative that my husband asked him.
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Our son-in-law asked my husband over the phone, too, because we also live in different states. And it was fine.
 
Thanks for the the advice! I guess the reason why I want to call to set it up before hand is that I’m not sure what the plan is for the trip. We’re all going to be coming in from other places (ie my girlfriend from NM, Me from Seattle, Even her family is driving up from their home.) And we’re going to be staying at a hotel.

I noticed from the last time that they came up to visit her when she was still in Seattle that they tend to give us our own space, which I have always appreciated, but now I’m thinking might work against my intentions since I don’t know when I’d be able to break away and speak with her father without my girlfriend noticing. Unless I set it up before hand. There’s also the issue of follow through. I’m worried if I don’t set this up before hand, I might not do it at all, I might chicken out. But that seems less likely if I ask him for a word before hand.
 
I think a casual discussion is all you need. Actually, I asked my wife to marry me before I brought it up with her father.

The next time we were together, it was kind of a joke, everyone was laughing. My future mother-in-law said, “He’s mad that you didn’t ask him first!”
I said, “O.k.! Is it o.k. if we get married?”
He said, “Yes!”

And that was that. All over in about 15 seconds.
 
I have mixed feelings about this. I don’t think it’s necessary for an adult man to have to ask “permission” from a father to marry an adult daughter.

Of course, I respect your desire to do it, and I wish you a successful talk and a happy marriage!

Just not something I would want or expect.
 
Enceladus said:

“1. Is it strange to call to set up the meeting before hand?
2. Is it bad form to ask for his blessing while attending the wedding of her cousin?”

No and no. Sounds fine to me. If you tell him, “I need to talk to you about something important,” I think he’ll be relieved to discover that you’re not asking for a loan or asking to move in with them or announcing that you have cancer. So, don’t ask for the meeting too far in advance–you don’t want to give them too much time to worry what it’s about. In fact, you might want to mention that it’s good news. (Of course, then they’ll think that their daughter is pregnant.) So maybe just ask to talk to him privately for a minute at the wedding itself, rather than booking the meeting in advance?

My husband-to-be asked my dad for my hand, but on reflection, I’m not sure it’s a good idea, unless there’s some sort of expectation that it happen. Because, really, what are your plans if he should say no? Are you really not going to get married?
 
Xantippe said:
No and no. Sounds fine to me. If you tell him, “I need to talk to you about something important,” I think he’ll be relieved to discover that you’re not asking for a loan or asking to move in with them or announcing that you have cancer. So, don’t ask for the meeting too far in advance–you don’t want to give them too much time to worry what it’s about. In fact, you might want to mention that it’s good news. (Of course, then they’ll think that their daughter is pregnant.) So maybe just ask to talk to him privately for a minute at the wedding itself, rather than booking the meeting in advance?
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Yeah, I agree. I’d wait until you’re all together to ask if you can speak with him for a minute. No need to make them anxious. The more low-key you make the whole thing the more comfortable you’re going to feel about it. I understand wanting to set a time to make sure you follow through, but I think if you make the whole thing more casual there is less pressure for everyone.

Also, I think there is a difference between asking for his “blessing” and asking for “her hand”. Asking for her hand in marriage sounds more like you’re asking permission, and asking for his blessing is more like “I’m going to ask your daughter to marry me, and I hope you’re pleased about it”. My husband is eternally grateful that my parents think the whole thing is weird and uncomfortable (if he’d asked, they would have said “Um, why don’t you ask her?”).

Do you know how your girlfriend feels about all of this? I only ask because, before we were engaged, my husband actually asked me if I personally would want him to ask them. He wasn’t as concerned with whether my family expected it, but rather with whether it was what I would want. Unless the two have you have already talked about it, it’s always possible that while her family might expect it, she’d rather you didn’t. And that would be something important to know.
 
Thanks for all the great replies everyone. Its given me a lot to think about. Perhaps I will just try to catch him for a quick chat while I’m there in stead of a big build up with the call. I suppose if I truly never do get an opportunity while I’m there, it seems like a phone call would also be a valid option.

About the whole issue of whether this is even necessary or not though, I’d just say this. I know that her family expects it. And it discussions my girlfriend and I have had she’s had every opportunity to make it clear to me that she would rather I didn’t do it, and she never has. I believe she expects me to talk with him, whether its before or after I ask her is a bit unclear. But I know her well enough to know that she would probably find it a sweet gesture to have done it before I ask her.

As to what I’ll do if he says no. Well, I just can’t conceive of that as a possibility. Our relationship has been serious for some time now, and its been clear to everyone that this the direction we’ve been heading. If he’d ever had any kind of problem with me, he’s never shown it, just the opposite actually.

So at this point it really feels more like a formality. But its a formality that’s important to her and her family. I plan to spend the rest of my life related to these people, so I think its best that I honor their traditions. And if it were me? I’d appreciate it to. Again, the blessing, not the request for her, “hand.” so to speak. I can see how that could be a bit questionable.

Anyway, thanks again to everyone for the feedback! I appreciate any other (name removed by moderator)ut you all would care to offer!
 
Enceladus said:
  1. Is it strange to call to set up the meeting before hand?
  2. Is it bad form to ask for his blessing while attending the wedding of her cousin?
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1-My opinion is that calling well in advance would be overkill. For one, it could be odd to make a big point about this special meeting, but then not tell him what it is about. It seems a little too coy to me. But if you do hint at what you’re going to ask, then you might as well just ask on the phone. In fact, you might find that you end up doing that even if you didn’t plan to. What I would do (if I didn’t want to do it over the phone) is find an excuse to grab him at the very beginning of your visit (even if it’s just while your girlfriend uses the bathroom and you call him into the other room for a quick question), and ask if you could have a few minutes of his time for a private conversation either that night or during your visit. If you really think there isn’t a way to pull it off without advanced planning, then go ahead. But be prepared for the fact that you may end up just talking about it on the phone after all. Assuming you don’t want your girlfriend to get wind of it, you might be better off doing it by phone anyway.

2-No problem at all to ask for his blessing at the wedding. It might be easy to catch him without your girlfriend around if you “happen” to go to the bathroom at the same time as him (don’t ask in the bathroom, but ask him to follow you outside for a minute), or when your girlfriend is occupied with other people or in the bathroom herself.

Good luck! 🙂
 
Since you know it’s an expectation in her family, I think you are making the right choice then!
 
Pax2u said:
I have mixed feelings about this. I don’t think it’s necessary for an adult man to have to ask “permission” from a father to marry an adult daughter.

Of course, I respect your desire to do it, and I wish you a successful talk and a happy marriage!

Just not something I would want or expect.
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He is not asking for permission. He is asking for a blessing in advance. These are very different things. Of course only his hoped-for wife can give consent. Once she is old enough to give her own consent, her parents can neither give it nor withhold it. (There are states where a young person of a certain age may only give consent to marriage if his or her parents agree.)
 
I understand the way you are interpreting “giving a blessing.” When I first read the post I understood him to be asking for permission. I think the term asking for a person’s blessing can also be understood as asking for permission.

Glad the OP clarified.
 
Pax2u said:
I understand the way you are interpreting “giving a blessing.” When I first read the post I understood him to be asking for permission. I think the term asking for a person’s blessing can also be understood as asking for permission.

Glad the OP clarified.
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Yes, because the old “get permission” or “who gives this bride” way of thinking (which is not part of the Catholic marriage rite, BTW) was very wrong-headed. The woman is not a piece of property that her parents have to dispose of. She alone gives her own consent for marriage.

No, this is more the person who would be her particular support and protector giving respect to the one who has been her particular protector since the cradle. It also recognizes that the natural (rather than supernatural) reaction of an opposite-sex parent is to feel displaced when their child marries. The traditions are not the same, but the bride does well who goes to her future MIL and makes gestures that show she has no desire to displace, but wants to join in support that has always been given to this man she is going to marry. You have an independent life, yes, but you still want your in-laws as allies, not as competition, and especially that opposite-sex parent. (I mean because of the natural psychological difference in the relationships.)
 
I still resent my wife for making me ask for her parent’s blessing. We both knew it would be given, but it doesn’t change how nerve-wracking it can be.

Enough about me. One thing I learned that might help you is to do it like a band-aid: right off! As fast and as comfortably as possible. The more you draw it out, the more difficult it is. So I would recommend skipping the phone call and going for it at the wedding.
 
EasterJoy said:
The traditions are not the same, but the bride does well who goes to her future MIL and makes gestures that show she has no desire to displace, but wants to join in support that has always been given to this man she is going to marry. You have an independent life, yes, but you still want your in-laws as allies, not as competition, and especially that opposite-sex parent. (I mean because of the natural psychological difference in the relationships.)
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This made me literally lol. Not every parent fears displacement. Some seem to hope for it. My MIL was happy to get her son married off. She said “Who raised that monster? Ah, well, he’s your problem now!”
 
MJJean said:
This made me literally lol. Not every parent fears displacement. Some seem to hope for it. My MIL was happy to get her son married off. She said “Who raised that monster? Ah, well, he’s your problem now!”
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Well, if he’s been in the basement, yes. :rolleyes:

Of course, if you raised a child who would prompt you to send your blessings with a clear statement of your return policy, it is the most decent thing to say so, I guess! You didn’t jump in without her warning!

“Seriously”, though, wanting him to marry is natural, but fearing that you’ll lose your place with him can go along with that. Not always, but it is fairly common. Even when you don’t feel that way, it would be nice to know your new son- or daughter-in-law doesn’t want you out of the picture. I’m thinking she meant, “I really loved that sweet kid I used to have, back when he was ten. If that kid ever comes around again, by all means, bring him around to see me! This one, though, you can have him, and good luck!” 😉 😃
 
I did, in 1998, and the parents were gratified, so was my fiancee; it “paid off” in (a) being the right thing to do, and (b) generating present and continuing familial goodwill.

It’s just good policy.
 
My husband did not ask for my dad’s blessing.

We are both adults and can make decisions for ourselves. I think it’s an outdated custom that isn’t really necessary.

We got engaged while in Europe on vacation and came home to announce the happy news to everyone.

I know my BIL asked my dad for his blessing with my sister’s hand in marriage. My BIL is like that anyway. My dad never expected it but was flattered.

If you’re going to be in town and visiting then there is no reason why you couldn’t drop by and have a conversation with her father. It shouldn’t be a problem since I presume you know each other and have spent some time together anyway.

My husband went to dinner with my parents while I was away and while we were dating. He would drop by my parent’s house on his own on a regular basis just to say hi and check in.

It wouldn’t have been much of anything for him to call my dad to see if they could hang out and have “the conversation” if he planned on it. Since he didn’t…it never happened.
 
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