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Allegra
Guest
My husband lived out of state and he asked my dad over the phone. I didn’t mind at all. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking him at the wedding either.
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MJJean
Guest
Well, if he’s been in the basement, yes.
Of course, if you raised a child who would prompt you to send your blessings with a clear statement of your return policy, it is the most decent thing to say so, I guess! You didn’t jump in without her warning!
“Seriously”, though, wanting him to marry is natural, but fearing that you’ll lose your place with him can go along with that. Not always, but it is fairly common. Even when you don’t feel that way, it would be nice to know your new son- or daughter-in-law doesn’t want you out of the picture. I’m thinking she meant, “I really loved that sweet kid I used to have, back when he was ten. If that kid ever comes around again, by all means, bring him around to see me! This one, though, you can have him, and good luck!”
My husband is a gamer. A cliche gamer. He spends most of his time in the basement! That’s where our family room and computers are due to space.I think a lot of my MIL’s great attitude is because DH is the youngest of 5, a very late life baby, and all of his brothers were already married for years. Letting go is a bit easier when you’ve had practice. Besides, sons are different than daughters in a way. “My boy is a MAN now!” vs “Oh, I’m losing my baby girl!”
OP, have you got a proposal plan? If you live in separate states and don’t see each other often you will obviously want to plan the proposal and be able to do it in person. Have you considered asking the blessing over the phone so you can propose to your lady when you see her at the wedding or shortly after. Maybe arrange to spend a couple of days extra so you can propose and then go tell her family of her (hopeful) acceptance together?
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Irishmom2
Guest
Yes, it is true that at the point where you are discussing getting married, you are adults. It may be a custom that is no longer necessary, but I don’t know that it is totally outdated.
Recently, my future son in law approached my husband and they had “the talk.” It didn’t come as a surprise that they want to get married, we could see it is serious and my daughter has told us they have spoken of marriage.
This talk was something that my daughter has always wanted, but did not tell her boyfriend. I suppose he knows she is close to us and kind of old fashioned in some ways (as is he) but he did this on his own, and we thought it was a lovely gesture of respect and devotion.
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punisherthunder
Guest
I didn’t ask my father in law.
I have high anxiety and couldn’t take the presure.
I have high anxiety and couldn’t take the presure.
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AnnArbor
Guest
This would have been a total deal-breaker for me; if I found out my husband had asked my parents for permission/blessing before asking me to marry him, we’d have had serious conversations about whether we were right for each other. Luckily, he appropriately asked me if I would marry him, then we went together to TELL my parents we were getting married.
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Irishmom2
Guest
Really? A deal breaker?
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AnnArbor
Guest
Possibly. It would certainly have indicated a lack of real communication between us. And I find it interesting that we don’t often hear about young men asking their own parents for permission to marry. Why would an adult woman need permission?
I know some say it is asking for a blessing, which is lovely – after the couple have decided to marry. I would have been bothered if my husband had asked someone else before he asked me.
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Irishmom2
Guest
I agree. Imagine if someone asked the parents and the daughter’s answer was no? Lol!
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on_the_hill
Guest
Kind of similar in our situation. My wife was fairly adamant that it was her decision, not her father’s. But, as in my earlier post, everything worked out to the good.
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VivienneJ
Guest
Widowed mom to two daughters here; one son-in-law asked for my blessing before he ‘officially proposed’ to my daughter; in the case of the other couple, I got a phone call from my daughter around 10pm one night (phone calls at 10pm already have me wondering what disaster has happened) and my daughter gabbled at me, “I’m engaged!!!”
I know I appreciated being asked to “bless” the first proposal and felt sidelined by the way the second happened. Unreasonable, maybe, feelings are.
In my opinion it is a gracious gesture towards the people who raised the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with.
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Irishmom2
Guest
I get you!The dads do get a lot of attention, lol. They may get asked, they get to walk bride down the aisle, they get to dance at the reception.
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AnnArbor
Guest
And for me, it would be the opposite. When my daughter gets engaged, I would feel put off if I were told before she’d been asked. It’'s such an important decision, between the two parties involved – I can’t imagine knowing about it before one of the participants.
And I’m genuinely curious – if you had a son, would you have expected him to ask your permission before proposing? Did your son-in-law ask his parents’ permission?
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VivienneJ
Guest
Ok, I forget the actual words Son-in-law used, but he was NOT asking permission as such, more like a statement of an intent that he hoped I’d support.
In fact he did inform his parents of his intention to first visit me and then my daughter.
It was quite a funny situation and I can imagine my grandchildren will appreciate it one day.
Son-in-law’s family farm, let’s say is the starting point of a ‘v’ shape, my home is the opposite end of the ‘v’ and my daughter is living and working in the town at the point of the ‘v’ and the only way to get from the farm to me is through the town where daughter is.
So, it was her birthday, and she and I had already met for lunch at a point that was midway for both of us - and one of the topics of discussion had been when he was going to ask the question. She also told me that he was to visit her that evening with supper. On my way home I called in at a place where I used to work, so got home around sunset. Son-in-law had been waiting a while and was lurking in my driveway like someone up to no good. It didn’t help that he had used his brother’s car rather than his van, as it was faster on the road. I nearly didn’t enter my property with that large, stranger there in the dusk
So, he said his piece, of course I was more than agreeable. Next issue was to borrow my car cell phone charger as the battery in his phone was almost flat. My concern was that he was going to be ‘delivering’ supper very late and I know how short my daughter’s fuse can be - I advised him to deliver the proposal the moment he saw her (i.e. before she made an idiot of herself by blasting him for being late…again, without knowing the reason why)
I knew it would take at least an hour for Son-in-law to get to my daughter and in that time had a few text messages from her ‘grumbling’ that there was no sign of him yet, and couldn’t he have been on time for her birthday supper, and maybe she would just bath and forget about supper and not bother to open the gate to the apartment complex to let him in. And there I was having to return these messages that there was bound to be a good reason, just be patient, etc, without saying anything that would lead her to suspect what he wanted to ask her.
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twf
Guest
I agree with you. The Catholic teaching is clear on this matter. The man and woman must freely choose to enter into matrimony - no one can give consent on behalf of the woman. The custom dates back to a very archaic notion that the bride is the “property” of the father and can only be “transferred” to the household of the groom with the father’s blessing. It flies iin the face of a Catholic understanding of the sacrament - which is why the “giving away” ceremony is not part of the Catholic ritual (though may be used in North America for cultural reasons). Now, if my bride-to-be was 16 or 17 years old, as was often the case in the past, I would certainly understand asking her father in that case…but as it is, my future bride is a 27 year old woman. I did not ask her father’s permission and she made it clear before I proposed that i was not to ask him. An emancipated adult woman is no longer under the authority of her father. She must respect him, as we both do, and certainly asking for his blessing after the fact would be a lovely gesture - but it is not for him to give consent. I think she would have been very hurt if her father knew before she did. It is a very personal and intimate moment as you say.
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twf
Guest
As a follow up to my post above…what do you do if the father says “no”? The woman loves you with all her heart and you love her likewise, but now you just have to break off the relationship and move on because you gave her father the “power” to determine her fate?
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Captain_America
Guest
. . . there are sound prudential reasons for the “asking.”
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Enceladus
Guest
Hello All,
Thanks again for all the commentary and advice on the subject. Its all been very appreciated.
I’d like to comment a bit though on some of the stranger notions that seem to be running though some of this thread. Many seem to object even to the idea of me speaking to my hopeful future father in law at all. Some ask what I’ll do if he says no, even if my girlfriend still wants to Marry.
I just can’t even fathom any of this. All these questions of “power,” and competing Wills and all this is completely foreign to my situation. The fact is my girlfriend and I have talked at length, multiple times, over the course of the last two years about where our relationship is headed and what kind of Married life we envision. She expects me to propose soon. So even asking her is a bit of a formality at this point. Its an important one, no doubt, but we both know that this is the direction we are headed. I have never understood talk about proposals where it would have ever been in doubt what the woman’s answer would be. If “poping the question,” is actually a legitimate question you two probably haven’t been talking enough about your goals and the state of the relationship to begin with. I’ve thought this even before I met my girlfriend.
At the same time, asking her father is much the same way a formality. My girlfriend has communicated to her parents our plans and goals for the relationship. She’s even told them about your future living situation (we plan on living fairly close to them). So they’ve known, for awhile, that we’ve been discerning mariage. They know that my girlfriend hopes that we will be married. In all this time, her father has not even once every expressed any displeasure at the idea of us marrying. So, being a loving father, why in world would he then reject my request for a blessing knowing full well that its what his daughter wants?
Again, I thank everyone for their views. But I think some of us need to relax and stop reading so much into the historical meanings or underpinnings of this tradition. Its a formality, but one that is expected at least in my case. Does it mean that my girlfriend’s father thinks that he owns his daughter? Or that I think I have to barter for her like property? Of course not, the notion is absurd. But it is a nice gesture of respect for her family and their traditions, and I know its something my girlfriend would want.
Not saying this would be the case for everyone, but Its what the case is for me and my girlfriend.
Thanks again for all the commentary and advice on the subject. Its all been very appreciated.
I’d like to comment a bit though on some of the stranger notions that seem to be running though some of this thread. Many seem to object even to the idea of me speaking to my hopeful future father in law at all. Some ask what I’ll do if he says no, even if my girlfriend still wants to Marry.
I just can’t even fathom any of this. All these questions of “power,” and competing Wills and all this is completely foreign to my situation. The fact is my girlfriend and I have talked at length, multiple times, over the course of the last two years about where our relationship is headed and what kind of Married life we envision. She expects me to propose soon. So even asking her is a bit of a formality at this point. Its an important one, no doubt, but we both know that this is the direction we are headed. I have never understood talk about proposals where it would have ever been in doubt what the woman’s answer would be. If “poping the question,” is actually a legitimate question you two probably haven’t been talking enough about your goals and the state of the relationship to begin with. I’ve thought this even before I met my girlfriend.
At the same time, asking her father is much the same way a formality. My girlfriend has communicated to her parents our plans and goals for the relationship. She’s even told them about your future living situation (we plan on living fairly close to them). So they’ve known, for awhile, that we’ve been discerning mariage. They know that my girlfriend hopes that we will be married. In all this time, her father has not even once every expressed any displeasure at the idea of us marrying. So, being a loving father, why in world would he then reject my request for a blessing knowing full well that its what his daughter wants?
Again, I thank everyone for their views. But I think some of us need to relax and stop reading so much into the historical meanings or underpinnings of this tradition. Its a formality, but one that is expected at least in my case. Does it mean that my girlfriend’s father thinks that he owns his daughter? Or that I think I have to barter for her like property? Of course not, the notion is absurd. But it is a nice gesture of respect for her family and their traditions, and I know its something my girlfriend would want.
Not saying this would be the case for everyone, but Its what the case is for me and my girlfriend.
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Ridgerunner
Guest
I agree with you. My wife and I knew we would marry long before I asked her father for his (I’m not sure if I asked “permission” or “blessing”). I lived 500 miles away from where she lived at the time. We met in school and when we graduated we both went back to our places of origin.
So, I used to visit her. It was all easy enough. Her father happened to be in one room by himself while my intended, her sister and mother happened to be in another. So I went in and asked him. Simple enough. Probably my wife, her sister and her mother were in the other room giggling the whole time, because I told my wife I was going to ask her father. Everybody already knows it anyway.
But what it really is, is a sign of respect from one man to another. As a groom, you’re taking part of his family away from his home forever. I think fathers take that harder than mothers do.
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AnnArbor
Guest
Like?
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jmr_1985
Guest
I emailed my fiancée’s Dad, and I asked if I could fly down to Florida and talk to him about something important. He responded with a nice email and said of course and to come whenever I could. I flew down for two days and stayed at his house. I didn’t ask for permission but I asked for his blessing. Let me tell you, it was one of the most meaningful trips of my life. I had a blast and got to know my future Father-in-Law very well. He told me he couldn’t wait until I was his son.
These days a phone call will suffice. Asking privately on a trip where you are with your girlfriend is much better. But, personally, I’m so glad that I made that trip. It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
These days a phone call will suffice. Asking privately on a trip where you are with your girlfriend is much better. But, personally, I’m so glad that I made that trip. It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
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