Asking about past sexual relationship - older couple

  • Thread starter Thread starter Catholic4Sure
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
C

Catholic4Sure

Guest
My bf of eight years mentioned early on in the relationship that there was once someone else. Since he is religious I did not consider that he mght have had sexual relations with her. We have not had any kind of sex, but I have realized that our sexual intimacy has gone beyond chaste, and I have recently told him that we can not engage in activities that the Catholic church teaches are forbidden outside of marriage. I am a virgin, and he respects this. He said that he had been leaving it to me to set the limits. I do know that during all these years, he would not ever consider fornication, and neither would I. I recently asked him if he had been as intimate with his former gf of many years ago as he was with me, and he was embarassed to discuss it, but didn’t deny it, even when I asked outright if he went all the way with this girl. We are not kids. We are both in our fifties. We were not able to get married due to my having family responsibilities, but things have now changed, and marriage is conceivable. We both love each other, and I would like to marry this man. I am wondering if at our ages, I am being obessive in wondering about this past relationship and if it is appropriate for me to get an answer from his as to whether or not he has had sexual relations with someone before me. He has been faithful to me in all the years I have known him.
 
your age isn’t relevant to the fact that you have a right to know if your potential future husband has had sex with someone else. Even if you weren’t going to get married, you are in a relationship, and I feel you still have the right to know. And if he did, whether he used protection or not, and whether he was tested after, even if he did use protection.
 
Would you really expect that someone in their fifties never had a previous relationship? While it is possible, I don’t feel that it needs to be dwelt upon. You’ve been together for eight years and seem to be right for each other. What happened before you met is something that he could share with you but is not obligated to especially if he feels that you will see him diferently. Chances are that he confessed this possible event in which case God forgave him and it’s gone. Move forward and don’t allow a past relationship to grow into a present envy. Value more that he is respecting you and giving you the priceless gift of dignity.

Your biggest question is what would you feel or do if you found out that he had a preveious sexual relationship? If the answer is nothing then there is no need to know. If the answer is anything then that is more the reason that you needn’t know…God Bless you both…teachccd 🙂
 
You’ve been with him for 8 years and NOW it matters?

Let it go.
 
I think the OP is implying that this comes to mind now that they may think seriously about marriage. Since they have been together for eight years, clearly the possibility of him having had sex before did not bother her too much. But now that marriage might be a possibility, it comes to her mind, and regardless of if he confessed and found grace with God, she should still know if he has had sex, if so, did he use protection?, was he tested afterwards? she has a right to know who she may be marrying, and unless she does she can’t fully consent to the marriage.
 
Fidelia said:
I think the OP is implying that this comes to mind now that they may think seriously about marriage. Since they have been together for eight years, clearly the possibility of him having had sex before did not bother her too much. But now that marriage might be a possibility, it comes to her mind, and regardless of if he confessed and found grace with God, she should still know if he has had sex, if so, did he use protection?, was he tested afterwards? she has a right to know who she may be marrying, and unless she does she can’t fully consent to the marriage.
Click to expand...
What if he was married before? Does she need to know if he used protection in his previous marriage? This makes no sense after eight years of being together and I think that probing this area will only open up for hurt feelings. After eight years he would know if he had a sexually transmitted disease.

I fully disagree but then my opinion is just as up for grabs as anyone’s…teachccd 🙂
 
teachccd said:
What if he was married before? Does she need to know if he used protection in his previous marriage? This makes no sense after eight years of being together and I think that probing this area will only open up for hurt feelings. After eight years he would know if he had a sexually transmitted disease.

I fully disagree but then my opinion is just as up for grabs as anyone’s…teachccd 🙂
Click to expand...
Well, if he was married and not fornicating, it is less likely that a disease was involved. But still, she would have the right to know. If he was previously married, she would also have the right to know if he is truly free to marry in the Church as well. I am sure no one would be against her finding that out. If anything, being together for eight years should allow more comfortable discussion about matters like this, not impede it. You are probably right about having discovered any disease over eight years though. I do agree with you that eight years into a relationship seems a little late to be thinking about this, but I do not think it erases her right to know her potential husband’s history.
 
I want to thank you for your thoughtful comments and responses to my question. I would hate to ask him to get tested. What do you think?
 
Catholic4Sure said:
I want to thank you for your thoughtful comments and responses to my question. I would hate to ask him to get tested. What do you think?
Click to expand...
Well, If you do decide to marry, then I think both of you should be tested. WHAT?! yes, both because 1) you never know. While very rare, various infections can find there way into us even if not sexually active. and 2) If you offer it as “we just need to know” then it’s neutral and there’s no hard feelings. Peace of mind is a really good thing!

Now, tested for what? specifically something like HIV? or all STDs… Heck I’m not sure there is a test for all STDs… and at your age, I hope you both are getting a proper, annual blood test anyway just so you can find out if there is anything else you two should be watching. Like salt or chloresteral intake. After all these years, you’d most likely want to be together for a long time, eh? I know my health and the health of DW is important to this 50+ guy. IMO, a comprehensive exam and full disclosure is a must.

I think it admirable that you are still a virgin and he’s treated you like the real lady you are. I would encourage you read The Good News About Sex and Marriage, together. It’s a wonderful way to look at that part of your future relationship. It is a good book that explains the proper attitude going forward. And I bet that’s what you both want to do, right? Move from here, forward. He is unable to do anything about the past and it is unnecessary to dwell on it. A good confession, after reading TGNAS&M will work wonders. If he’s been faithful and loving of you for 8 years, I’m sure that previous relationship is of no consequence, today. He just wants to be with you. Enjoy the company of each other! Life is short enough.

Although my post wasn’t.😊
 
After eight years he would know if he had a sexually transmitted disease.
Click to expand...
Not necessarily. Some STDs are asymptomatic.
I want to thank you for your thoughtful comments and responses to my question. I would hate to ask him to get tested. What do you think?
Click to expand...
Yes, I would ask him to get tested. I should add this is based on my clinical experience as a NP in a clinic, so my opinion may be skewed. 🙂
 
I feel his past is between him and the Lord. If the Lord forgave him, just let it go and be thankful he accepts your virtues and being a virgin and leave it at that…

I would not let that get between us…there are almost no virgin men at the age of 50…whether they physically or mentally are no longer virgins at that age is not for us to judge…

Go forward and thank the Lord you have been blessed with someone very special for you…
 
Eight years is a long courtship, why the wait? At your age it’s highly unlikely to find a virgin, I think you should count your blessings that this man has been so chaste!
 
lovesMary said:
Eight years is a long courtship, why the wait? At your age it’s highly unlikely to find a virgin, I think you should count your blessings that this man has been so chaste!
Click to expand...
Absolutely. A man in his fifties who treats you with the respect that you’ve noted does not need to be drilled about his past. Usually if a man has had a sexual relationship he doesn’t wait for you for eight years unless, a) he has not had a sexual relationship or b) he thinks the absolute world of you. In each case this seems like a gentleman to be treasured, admired and loved with all of your heart. If he did have a sexual relationship he may be harboring regrets and his avoidance of your questions may be his way of putting this aside realizing that you are the one for him and whatever he did was stupid and he doesn’t want you to think any less of him for it.

Let it go and know that if he was chaste with you for eight years and values your dignity with his integrity then return the favor and value his dignity as a man who thinks the world of you…teachccd 🙂
 
teachccd said:
Absolutely. A man in his fifties who treats you with the respect that you’ve noted does not need to be drilled about his past. Usually if a man has had a sexual relationship he doesn’t wait for you for eight years unless, a) he has not had a sexual relationship or b) he thinks the absolute world of you. In each case this seems like a gentleman to be treasured, admired and loved with all of your heart. If he did have a sexual relationship he may be harboring regrets and his avoidance of your questions may be his way of putting this aside realizing that you are the one for him and whatever he did was stupid and he doesn’t want you to think any less of him for it.

Let it go and know that if he was chaste with you for eight years and values your dignity with his integrity then return the favor and value his dignity as a man who thinks the world of you…teachccd 🙂
Click to expand...
Ding, ding, ding, you get the prize for the best answer.:clapping:
 
teachccd said:
Absolutely. A man in his fifties who treats you with the respect that you’ve noted does not need to be drilled about his past. Usually if a man has had a sexual relationship he doesn’t wait for you for eight years unless, a) he has not had a sexual relationship or b) he thinks the absolute world of you. In each case this seems like a gentleman to be treasured, admired and loved with all of your heart. If he did have a sexual relationship he may be harboring regrets and his avoidance of your questions may be his way of putting this aside realizing that you are the one for him and whatever he did was stupid and he doesn’t want you to think any less of him for it.
Click to expand...
Well said!

Catholic4Sure, if you are concerned about health risks, a man like you have described will put you first! In fact, he probably already has. 🙂
I think you are worrying about nothing.
Click to expand...
Maybe. Maybe not. I got stories. Real life stories that include mature adults.

I suspect Catholic4Sure will make the best decision for her relationship. None of us can answer this for her.
 
I’m a man in my mid 50’s. If I were going to start a new relationship with some one I would be up front and honest.(not that it would necessarily be any of their business) but I would tell ALL. Jesus is the best example of truth because he is truth. With him, what you see is what you get. If I expect someone with whom I would like to be ONE to be honest with me I have to assume that that person expects the same from me. If he has something to hide, then I suspect there is something wrong. You have to know that you can trust each other otherwise you can’t possibly share each others load. You have to be equally yoked otherwise one will always be carrying the bulk of the load and the other will be to burdened with guilt. Both have to be yoked together with the yoke that Jesus asks us to carry. I don’t know where that scripture is but it might be helpful to find it. Perhaps by confessing to you (not as in the sacrament) but in a trusting loving dialogue he may find that he can be free of something that has been bothering him for a long long time. It sounds to me that he is in need of healing. Perhaps he needs to forgive himself and you are the one that Jesus is going to use to set him free. Maybe he’s afraid you won’t understand. If you can accept WHATEVER he has done and take him to Jesus (love him as Jesus would) then you might well be the one with whom he can spend the rest of his life . If not then whatever it is that still haunts him will continue to do so and you will both suffer from lack of trust. I strongly recommend that you as a woman take this to Our Lady. When you do you can rest assured that this concern of yours will rest in the open wound of Our Lord’s loving heart. We’ve all fallen short in one way or another. When I look back at the things I did and the people I’ve hurt, I know there is no way I can heal them but I know Jesus can and will. Pray for him with love. Forget about your own feelings and fears and start putting your trust in God. In giving you 'll receive. When you venerate the cross on Good Friday bring your friend with you (in your heart) and when you leave the cross, leave your friend there. If his heart is open to the love and mercy of Christ, you’ll end up with a friend for life. God bless you both.
 
Gee whiz, when my wife and I got married the state of Michigan required blood tests for STDs. That was fifty years ago, so maybe that doesn’t have to happen anymore to get a license. It was a good idea then, and in my opinion a prime idea yet for both to get tested.
 
It’s your body.If he can’t understand your concern especially in these times,then are you going to be able to trust him in other sensitive matters. I’m a male in my mid 50’s.I was sexually active before my conversion. I would gladly be tested if that’s what someone who loved me wanted. I’ve been thinking about the response I gave you this afternoon and I have to tell you that I have an overwhelming sense of peace about what I said. I believe the Lord was inspiring me just as he is right now. God bless you both.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top