Asking for advice in relationship with former abusive brother

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Cartesian

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Here is a bit of background. I had a sort of traumatic childhood. My older brother used to abuse me physically and part of that is now responsible for me being quite shy and anxious now that I’m an adult. At that time, we all lived with my parents. Growing up I had the greatest hatred for my brother, honestly wishing every day that he would die.

Well, after I grew up, when I was 18 I became more argumentative and aggressions disappeared, but the hatred remained and I always felt anxious being in the same room with him.

Since 2 years ago I am living in another country. He is also in his own family.

My feeling now are less negative. I don’t have any more hate for him, even that he never apologized (which means he is not aware of how much damage he created on me), I don’t care any more and I forgave him in my thoughts.

Here is the thing. I really don’t care and never talked with him any more, and my parents, mother specially has been pressuring me to just send a message/email to him. I guess she is worried that we will never talk again in life (which I would appreciate). As I am shy I never talked with anyone about these feelings, and I would like to forgive this past by just ignoring it.

Should I make a first move (even that I never did nothing wrong) just to please my parents? I know John Paul II taught us how it is like to forgive, but that would be a giant step for me.
 
Tell him how you feel. Be honest. And be a Christian. To forgive is easy, to forget is almost impossible. This is a thing between your brother and you, and nobody else.
 
Forgiveness is one thing. Maintaining a relationship with an abuser is another. You are under no obligation to contact him. If you decide, someday, that you want to, that’s your decision. Don’t let anyone pressure you into it.
 
agnes_therese said:
Forgiveness is one thing. Maintaining a relationship with an abuser is another. You are under no obligation to contact him. If you decide, someday, that you want to, that’s your decision. Don’t let anyone pressure you into it.
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This.

If you don’t fee comfortable, if you’re not ready or you just don’t plain want to have a relationship with someone who abused you…then don’t.
Don’t let anyone talk you into it either.

Tell them simply: “I don’t feel comfortable with this.” Repeat.

God does call us to forgive…He doesn’t call us to kiss and make up.

No one is expected to become buddies with their abusers.
An abused spouse can forgive but they aren’t expected to go running back to their marriage.

This is your call…and no one else’s.
 
Kelfa28 said:
This.

If you don’t fee comfortable, if you’re not ready or you just don’t plain want to have a relationship with someone who abused you…then don’t.
Don’t let anyone talk you into it either.

Tell them simply: “I don’t feel comfortable with this.” Repeat.

God does call us to forgive…He doesn’t call us to kiss and make up.

No one is expected to become buddies with their abusers.
An abused spouse can forgive but they aren’t expected to go running back to their marriage.

This is your call…and no one else’s.
Click to expand...
This, exactly. Pray for him, even if it’s just a quick “Hail Mary” every evening. To people outside the situation, be brief and to the point, as the PP suggested.

I grew up in an abusive family, except that with me it was my mother who was physically and emotionally abusive. My father was emotionally abusive, too. I have found it best to cut all ties from them and have no contact at all, as when I had minimal contact they still violated every boundary I ever set, no matter how clear-cut it was. Emotionally, I’m still processing everything that happened to me; if I think about them, I get antsy, upset, and miserable. I’ve found–when I remember, that is–that saying a fast “Hail Mary” for them without actually thinking about them is the best I can do most days, but it seems to me that it’s better than nothing.

Something to remember when other people try to push the relationship on you is that you’re safe now, he can’t hurt you, and he’ll never hurt you again. Sounds simple, but you may find that telling yourself that over and over again when his name is brought up will help you to be a little more at peace. If you aren’t ready (and you may never be, and that’s okay) to resume the relationship, then don’t. It will do both of you much more harm than good.

:hug1:
 
You have no obligation to your brother beyond truly forgiving the abuse and not harboring ill will. Honestly, in the absence of an effort on his part to achieve your forgiveness for his sins, your parents should understand your position. Your brother should be attempting to correct things, not only for you but for himself and his relationship with God. I admire how far you have come on your own.
 
I have survived an abusive relationship and it took me years of counseling to really get past it. If you are happy in your life without him in it, don’t feel fear of domination or powerlessness in other areas of your life - and are able to have healthy relationships with friends, colleagues and other family members, then congratulations - you have moved on. If that is the case, I offer the following advise: tell your mom why you don’t want to have a relationship with your brother. Part of abuse that persists long after you have escaped your abuser is a sense of shame and/or guilt. Is it possible your parents are unaware of the depths of abuse? It sounds weird, but it happens. One child complains to a parent about a sibling and they are not believed, told they are ‘over-reacting’, or ‘just trying to get attention’. It’s even worse when the parent is fully aware of what is going on and does nothing to stop it. They tell the complaining child that they deserved what happened, or ‘its no big deal - get over it’.

You don’t have to speak to your brother ever again, if that is your choice. However, it can be very therapeutic to be able to face your abuser and tell them they hurt you when you were weaker, but you’re stronger now - and thanks to learning how to deal with that childhood trauma, you will never be a victim like that again. Don’t expect an apology or acknowledgement. This confrontation is for your benefit, not theirs. It might happen, which would indicate they want to repair the relationship. Bullies have there own psychological mess going on. It is rarely isolated to a single relationship in their lives, and it can have serious repercussions in many aspects of their life.

Whatever the case, I wish you peace and prosperity. To all victims of abuse - in the distant past or ongoing: if you suffer anxiety, hypervigilance, emotional instability, please - for your sake and every relationship you value, seek help. It’s not hopeless, you are not alone, and you can recover.
 
My first suggestion is that you should talk with a priest about this. If you are in Finland I assume finding a priest would be difficult. I think you will find it easier to deal with if you talk to someone outside of your family. Second, don’t let someone force you to make contact with someone you are afraid of, or have been bullied by. Yes, you can pray for your brother but you don’t have to let him continue to abuse you.

In my own experience I have found that the (emotional in my case) abuser won’t recognize it as abuse even if outsiders do.
 
Cartesian said:
Here is a bit of background. I had a sort of traumatic childhood. My older brother used to abuse me physically and part of that is now responsible for me being quite shy and anxious now that I’m an adult. At that time, we all lived with my parents. Growing up I had the greatest hatred for my brother, honestly wishing every day that he would die.

Well, after I grew up, when I was 18 I became more argumentative and aggressions disappeared, but the hatred remained and I always felt anxious being in the same room with him. Since 2 years ago I am living in another country. He is also in his own family.

My feeling now are less negative. I don’t have any more hate for him, even that he never apologized (which means he is not aware of how much damage he created on me), I don’t care any more and I forgave him in my thoughts.

Here is the thing. I really don’t care and never talked with him any more, and my parents, mother specially has been pressuring me to just send a message/email to him. I guess she is worried that we will never talk again in life (which I would appreciate). As I am shy I never talked with anyone about these feelings, and I would like to forgive this past by just ignoring it. Should I make a first move (even that I never did nothing wrong) just to please my parents? I know John Paul II taught us how it is like to forgive, but that would be a giant step for me.
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Cartesian,

Since you concede that a) he can no longer harm you, and b) he might not be aware of how seriously he hurt you, maybe you should give him an opportunity to earn your forgiveness?

You can find new friends, colleagues, even spouses, but you can never replace your siblings. In the future you may need to cooperate with your brother if, God forbid, something happens to your/his children, and almost certainly when you bury your parents.

Furthermore, it’s possible that your brother was/is keeping as many secrets as you are, perhaps mitigating circumstances in his past or present that you don’t know. If you haven’t tried to discover whether that possibility is true, you might regret it later on.

I don’t mean to dismiss your reluctance; you’ve good reason to be wary, and yes, you don’t need to be friends. However, while the previous advice to “never speak with him again” and “cut all ties” may be appropriate, let’s be honest: it’s not that simple when it comes to your blood, and those options come at a steep price.

My advice: keep your distance but open the door. If it doesn’t hurt you, break the silence with an email and see where it leads. How he chooses to respond is up to him, but at least you can say you tried.
 
Cartesian said:
Here is a bit of background. I had a sort of traumatic childhood. My older brother used to abuse me physically and part of that is now responsible for me being quite shy and anxious now that I’m an adult. At that time, we all lived with my parents. Growing up I had the greatest hatred for my brother, honestly wishing every day that he would die.

Well, after I grew up, when I was 18 I became more argumentative and aggressions disappeared, but the hatred remained and I always felt anxious being in the same room with him.

Since 2 years ago I am living in another country. He is also in his own family.

My feeling now are less negative. I don’t have any more hate for him, even that he never apologized (which means he is not aware of how much damage he created on me), I don’t care any more and I forgave him in my thoughts.

Here is the thing. I really don’t care and never talked with him any more, and my parents, mother specially has been pressuring me to just send a message/email to him. I guess she is worried that we will never talk again in life (which I would appreciate). As I am shy I never talked with anyone about these feelings, and I would like to forgive this past by just ignoring it.

Should I make a first move (even that I never did nothing wrong) just to please my parents? I know John Paul II taught us how it is like to forgive, but that would be a giant step for me.
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I would keep an emotional distance there. Forgive him but once an abuser almost always they will abuse again or try to. He may be doing it to his kids. I’d merely tell your mother that certain things happened between you as children and while you can forgive you don’t really want a relationship with him at this point. Be honest. Your not obligated to keep in touch with siblings. I had a bad relationship with my brother for many years. No abuse there we just have very different personalities and have learned over the years to just accept the differences and avoid the more contensicious topics we don’t agree on. We still have issues but we get along ok though some time I see where I frustrate him and he frustrates me. I actually kicked him out of the house at one time because he was yelling at my mother who was weakened from cancer and couldn’t fight back. He was 18 at the time and wasn’t thinking just being rebellous and stubborn. He’s acutally one of the most generous kind people I know theses days. Though the jerk in him still comes out. It is possible to reconcile but if abuse is involved I’d be more hesitant to do so.
 
Thank you very much for all your advices. After reading them I acknowledge that this is a not a small problem and deserves deeper reflection before I can give a firm step. Both ignoring him and trying a peace treaty comes to my mind all the times. I think I will give myself more time until I am ready.
Bezant said:
Cartesian,

Since you concede that a) he can no longer harm you, and b) he might not be aware of how seriously he hurt you, maybe you should give him an opportunity to earn your forgiveness?

You can find new friends, colleagues, even spouses, but you can never replace your siblings. In the future you may need to cooperate with your brother if, God forbid, something happens to your/his children, and almost certainly when you bury your parents.

Furthermore, it’s possible that your brother was/is keeping as many secrets as you are, perhaps mitigating circumstances in his past or present that you don’t know. If you haven’t tried to discover whether that possibility is true, you might regret it later on.

I don’t mean to dismiss your reluctance; you’ve good reason to be wary, and yes, you don’t need to be friends. However, while the previous advice to “never speak with him again” and “cut all ties” may be appropriate, let’s be honest: it’s not that simple when it comes to your blood, and those options come at a steep price.

My advice: keep your distance but open the door. If it doesn’t hurt you, break the silence with an email and see where it leads. How he chooses to respond is up to him, but at least you can say you tried.
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This is really one strong/main reason to think about a future approach, he has a little son now and I would not want him to grow apart from me. I wish I could even briefly have some contact with my nephew because he has no guilt of our past.

I will continue praying for him until the day I feel ready to deal with these facts. I don’t want to play the saint guy. But my brother is a very well camouflaged socially, when we were alone at home he showed his true face and how bad he was. Few people know his true colours. So I think he should suffer enough already with his personality. We used to sleep in same room and he would often wake up screaming with his nightmares, and even when he was already around 28 years old my parents needed to come for his aid.

I just don’t know why I was always his victim, maybe I will ask him one day. I just hope that the day may come when I can inspire him with my own life example and showing him that with love for others he can find peace.

@MSSheBear Thanks for the advice about talking with a priest. It is really very hard in Finland, but next time there is a mass I will seek to talk about this during confession.
 
Matthew 5:21-26

“You have heard that the ancients were told, ‘YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT MURDER’ and ‘Whoever commits murder shall be liable to the court.’“But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court; and whoever says to his brother, ‘You good-for-nothing,’ shall be guilty before the supreme court; and whoever says, ‘You fool,’ shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell.“Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you,leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.“Make friends quickly with your opponent at law while you are with him on the way, so that your opponent may not hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the officer, and you be thrown into prison.“Truly I say to you, you will not come out of there until you have paid up the last cent.

I didn’t post this to be inflammatory or put a weight on your shoulder. I honestly don’t know how to handle situations dealing with abuse- I have some problems in my own life regarding abuse issues and its a tough call to make- even harder to carry it through consistently. I only posted it because I know Christ has the only way and what he says here seems to address the situation. I wouldn’t do as He says to do until you have deeply prayed about your situation while meditating on this passage (and others The Holy Spirit might lead you to). I believe that in prayer, along with His Word as guidance and a receptive spirit within you will help you make the right decision in this case. Then you will have peace about it.

Keep your mind on Christ, always. In everything you do honor Him.
 
It is OK to let sleeping dogs lie, and it is OK to let your brother on the other side of the world go on with his life until he is ready to reach out to you. If he does, reach back. If he doesn’t, then maybe he isn’t ready to face his lack of love and respect for you. For as long as the habitual offenses against you are never mentioned, there is a degree to which they are not in the past, not if his behavior has just gone into a distant neutral that realizes he can’t get away with what he used to get away with.

Now, I have a brother who verbally abused me–he simply was not happy unless he had me riled up or put down–and who would beat me if I smart-mouthed back. He wouldn’t beat me very much, because if he actually hurt me seriously he’d have been in big trouble with my parents, so I don’t want to make it sound as if I had the terrible kind of beatings that people who really did get beaten up had. Still, at the time there was nothing I liked better than when he got to go for a holiday somewhere and I was left behind. Heaven!!

Well, now he has grown up, and if he’s ever apologized for how he treated me, I don’t remember it. Still, he treats me with respect now, talks to me as his intellectual equal, shares in my joys in a way he never did when we were kids, and so I take that change of treatment as a positive renouncing of his old ways. I choose to take that as an apology, and I wouldn’t accuse him of being an unrepentant character. If we, as we are now, went back to our childhood roles, I’d feel safe in a way I never did back then. OTOH, I understand his own frustrations of childhood better than I did back then, too. If you get that, take that for as much apology as you need. Don’t make him get on his knees; just take treating you well as more apology than you could ever have imagined back then, if you can.

As for your mother, tell her that you’re taking his lack of reaching out to you a sign that he’s not that interested. You don’t talk, but it isn’t because you hate each other, at least not on your end. You just live a long ways apart and for various reasons are not that close. The time to bring you close was when you were children, that would’ve been greatly helped if you had been protected from his beating on you, but that is water under the bridge. In the meantime, although he has stopped actually attacking you, he’s not spent any time reaching out. Tell mom to wish your brother well, wish his family well, and if he ever wants to drop you a note, by all means give him your email address. Otherwise, let things work in their own way, and don’t make trouble where there isn’t any. If he wants a closer relationship, he can find you through your mom. In the meantime, Mom, let it go until it finds its day. You’ve spent enough time in the arena with your brother’s opinion of you, and shouldn’t be forced back into it.

If the thought of being around him affects your breathing, though, tell your mom the truth: You’ve forgiven him, but you still carry some stress and fear that makes it a bad idea to attempt to reconcile. Certainly, you’re not going to be the one to initiate it, because you’ve spent too many years as the vulnerable one. On the day he decides to initiate something, then you can re-visit your feelings in the light of that new development. Who knows, maybe it will feel so good that your feelings toward him will change completely. It could happen.
 
Forgiveness is sometimes the hardest thing that we are asked to do.
And seventy times seven times (that means a lot).

God bless you both for healing & reconciliation.+
 
FrancisBenedict said:
Forgiveness is sometimes the hardest thing that we are asked to do.
And seventy times seven times (that means a lot).

God bless you both for healing & reconciliation.+
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The OP forgave, and bears no ill will towards the brother any more, and has repented of having had ill will. It is the reconciliation that is the sticking point, and although God keeps the door open, even God asks us to come to Him repentant, and not the other way around, when it is time for that.

That is not to say that it is forbidden to reach out to the one who has wronged us, but only that the process of forgiving does not require the process of reconciliation, nor that the wronged one hunt down the offender before the offender shows signs of wanting to apologize or make things up. Sometimes the best thing to do is to let the offender come around in his or her own time, when they are ready.
 
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