Asking for advice on young adult living at home

[LeahInancsi]

I have to agree with Paramedicgirl. I don’t have experience with teenagers, but I once was one. I think it’s good that he stay at home under your supervision, but above all I think it’s most important that he stay in school. That will affect the rest of his life along with the trouble he will get into without your discipline.

In my family, graduating from college was a necessity as opposed to high school. My mother made me live at home when I was in college so she could watch me. Apparently, it was worth it because I’m a successful CPA and able to retire at age 50.

If he quits school, then he needs to provide the roof over his head. Until then, do your best to keep him on the right track.

 

[contemplative]

sue g:

I hit my limit with this yesterday and told him if he does not change his friends, he is free to do so but will have to live somewhere else starting next weekend.

…

When he initially returned home was it possible at that point to shorten the leash so tight that he could not physically reach his friends? There are many ways to shorten and tighten the leash on someone living in your home. By tightening and shortening the leash at home you squeeze out most of his options to see his friends.
Keep him working every possible hour when not in class…doesn’t he need money?
Demand that certain tasks be completed in your home on a daily and weekly basis.
Insist that on top of completion of daily household chores he pay a small rent for living in your home to cover added expenses.
These and other demands from you might force his focus off of his shadowy friends. It will also make him face the beat of the drum in life. Certainly life at home with you and all your demands will still be better than living on his own. Living out on his to be with friends will mean paying out of his nose.
Eventually he will earn the priviledge of living on his own but by then …hopefully he will respect independent living much more.

PS. Don’t come down like a hammer head on him…gradually increase your demands…explain your demands and then see results.

By the way …all parents…this is good advice for even the best of our children…MAKE them earn the priviledge of independence in your home…force it out of them…even the best of them should come through squeeky clean before you let them soar.

 

[sparkle]

sue g:

would welcome advice on 19 yo college student living at home. Was into drinking and “partying” (living with other guys) but asked to come back home because life was so hard. Has legal problems (minor in possession, gas-and-go) that he is taking care of responsibly. Is working and going to school. Has to test for alcohol and drugs daily which he pays for and does do on his own without any prompting from anyone. He has matured somewhat from before he left.

HOWEVER, he still hangs with the same friends even though he has heard from many different sources that he’ll eventually get in trouble if he does not re-establish with the better crowd.

I’ve established the same curfew he had before - which he keeps most of the time except usually either on a Friday or a Saturday night he ends up not coming home at all (says he is at the house he stayed at previously). “I fell asleep watching a movie.” Again, he tests daily for alcohol and drugs in order to avoid jail.

I hit my limit with this yesterday and told him if he does not change his friends, he is free to do so but will have to live somewhere else starting next weekend. We have been in church since he was born and so knows lots of others his age from there.

Would welcome others’ experience with this type of situation and the outcome from the actions taken…

I fully agree, EITHER HE FOLLOWS THE HOUSE RULES OR LEAVE. You do not need, Mom, a son, with all these problems, which He has chosen, on your shoulders. You raised him the best you could, now it’s time for him to grow up. I would ask him to leave this weekend, and pray. Invite him to church, etc., etc., but seems his troubles with the law are way out of hand, and he eventually will need to face the music. Once again, he’s 19, is making bad choices, it’s time he lives on his own, and faces the consequences of such decisions. I know it’s so hard. But enabling your son is not doing him any good.
Good Luck~~

 

[sparkle]

BlestOne:

I have a very soon to be 19yo son. He lives at home, works and goes to college. If he wants to live in my house he knows there are rules.

1. Mass attentance is not optional
2. He has to work to pay for his gas to get to college and anything else he needs.
3. If he is going to be late I still deserve a phone call out of courtesy.
4. He is still responsible for any bad behaviors he exhibits in front of younger sibs.
5. When I ask for help with something, like a home repair, I expect him to help me.

So far I have had very few problems with him. He knows where the door is if can’t respect me enough to follow my rules. If I don’t like a friend I ask him to not have them over, if he won’t do that I walk up to the friend and nicely tell them they need to leave. I don’t play games…This has only come up once when he was in high school, but it was enough to teach him that I will call his bluff. He later asked me never to embarass him like that again, I asked him to respect my home and my rules and we won’t have this problem again, we have never had a problem since.

Blest One: Your post is awesome!!! YOU can help the OP for sure!!! You must be just an awesome Mom!!!

 

[BlestOne]

sparkle:

Blest One: Your post is awesome!!! YOU can help the OP for sure!!! You must be just an awesome Mom!!!

Nope…I am just well…Blest! God has been very good to me in this aspect of my life. Perhaps it is because I am probably the poorest person I know monitarily and I don’t really care. I grew up spoiled and privilaged and lost everything… but I gained so much more!!! Today I may not have things, but I have self respect, love, faith, etc and definitely not in that order. The truth can be found when we are on our knees praising God for what we do have and not whining about what we don’t have.

 

[turboEDvo]

Well, it is really hard to just drop friends. When I was younger, I always had the tendency to pick a bad crowd. I did all my school work, got straight A’s, Boy Scouts, Tae Kwon Do, cross country, went to church, but, if he wants to take it from another teen who has been through friend issues, I’ll tell him he needs to lose them eventually.

I would say he should begin spacing himself slowly. For example, he might suddenly not have enough time to hang out with them as often. Then, he just won’t be around and be phased out. It isn’t about leaving the group, it is about convincing the group that you have changed more than they are willing to deal with, but doing it in a way that will prevent them thinking they are being coerced or mistreated. I’ve had to do this to a couple groups of friends until I learned how to choose wisely. And, I still see them every once in a while so they know I don’t hate them. But, they also do not consider me as part of their group anymore. We can hang out, and I go home knowing that they won’t be calling to ask me to participate in bad activities.

That hurts a lot because I love pleasing my friends. I don’t like them disappointed in me. Even when I know people are bad for me, I don’t want to end the friendship because I don’t wan that conflict and I want to believe that I can succeed in what I want despite them. However, sometimes, you just have to get out. You would think I would have gotten over all of them, but I’m shaking as I type this. It is a conscious decision to stay away from people that will harm me without me knowing it. I have to reevaluate friendships every so often and see how things are going just to be sure I’m not doing it again.

I would venture a guess that your son is running into a similar issue. It is very hard to leave a group of people because the pull to come back will be there for a while. But, from experience, everything that your son said he wouldn’t do again will probably be for nothing, and I speak from experience.

So, I suppose that post if really for him, but hey…

As for the not obeying curfew, have him call if he is going to be late. I would call every time I would be late just so my parents would know what was going on. That always seemed pretty reasonable from my perspective, just in case whatever I was doing ran over time a bit.

Eamon