Asking for thoughts about the marriage duty

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Mary_Poppins

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Hi- I am also like others, very glad that this forum is anonymous! I’ve talked with priests and catholic psychologists about my situation, so counseling and confessors have been consulted- but now I look for thoughts from real people leading a married life, because I can’t seem to get a handle on what I am supposed to do!

I am married, and my h and I have always, from day one, had real difficulty in the bedroom. It just doesn’t seem to come naturally! ok- I have added to the problem by being unwilling so often, and have been in counseling to try to deal with that, which frankly, hasn’t helped much.😦

My question is this…I know that I have obligations towards my spouse in this area, but I find it so, so so,so difficult to fulfill them! Sometimes, it seems like I just can’t! Then, also I am on medication due to some health issues, and this medication could potentially harm a child if conceived. For nfp, it is only one-3 days per month where we can be certain a child would not be conceived while I am on this potentially dangerous medication.

My H wants me to “just go ahead.” Or, he wants me to go off the medication after relations which tends to make me pretty ill, since it is one you have to wean away from over a period of some weeks, and can’t just go off of “cold turkey.” So potentially, every time we have relations, I will have to go and get a blood test a few days later to make sure that I am not pregnant, so that I can go back on my medication, which isn’t the best situation, anyway… Doctor tell me that I must be on some birth control while on this medication, but that is not an option for me as a Catholic, and I will not do it, under any circumstances whatever.

My husband asks for relations (in quiet ways, and he is kind) - but it’s even when he does not know whether it is a “safe” time for a child not to be conceived who may end with problems.This hurts my feelings tremendously, because he knows, I then stay away from Communion due to refusing my spouse so continually- (and I have to admit I’ve done it even when I could have so I am not blameless, here-

Also I deal with scruples on some strange level which makes Communion always difficult for me, emotionally. I try hard to remain balanced in my faith but- it is very difficult task because of more personal issues.

What are the rights of my spouse for marital relations in this case, and what are my obligations to him? I want to do right, but I will admit to the fact that giving in for relations is also very, very difficult for me, emotionally, even if it were an infertile time.
 
OP, the kind of guidance you need should not be sought online. You and your husband need face-to-face counseling, preferably with a trained therapist who understands Catholic teachings on sexuality and married life.

If your parish cannot connect you with therapists, contact your diocese. Your local Catholic Charities also may be able to help you. If your husband refuses to attend counseling, go alone. It’s not ideal, but better than doing nothing.
 
Luna_Lovecraft said:
OP, the kind of guidance you need should not be sought online. You and your husband need face-to-face counseling, preferably with a trained therapist who understands Catholic teachings on sexuality and married life.

If your parish cannot connect you with therapists, contact your diocese. Your local Catholic Charities also may be able to help you. If your husband refuses to attend counseling, go alone. It’s not ideal, but better than doing nothing.
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Thank you- we are currently pursuing counseling- and my spiritual director is no longer available to me, but I am waiting and seeking for a new one. I was primarily looking for support and Catholic thought on my situation from other married couples who may have similar complex situations, or from people knowledgeable about such marital issues- I am not seeking not counseling or specific direction, per se, here, rather support, thoughts, and/or encouragement from the Catholic community- If people are uncomfortable they are free to ignore and there will be no hard feelings from me- thank you for your concern!:)🙂
 
Luna_Lovecraft said:
OP, the kind of guidance you need should not be sought online. You and your husband need face-to-face counseling, preferably with a trained therapist who understands Catholic teachings on sexuality and married life.

If your parish cannot connect you with therapists, contact your diocese. Your local Catholic Charities also may be able to help you. If your husband refuses to attend counseling, go alone. It’s not ideal, but better than doing nothing.
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Concur…strongly.

I also would add…nothing is going to work though…until you see him as a “hero”…your best and the greatest hero of your life…and he sees you as a heroine…his best and the greatest hero of his life. Essentially I think you are both heroes to/for each other right now…you just don’t see it…and therefore you can’t begin and end your conversations on this issue…as each others best and greatest hero. The “mechanics” of a solution to this issue…is of course very important…but it is a…very…very…distant second place…to seeing the hero in each other…the greatest hero of your life…that both of you are for each other…right now in the midst of this real “storm”.

For your consideration.
Pax Christi
 
Mary,
I must admit that your situation frightens me. The idea of taking a chance of conceiving a child when it could be seriously harmed by medication…or even worse, going off your medication post-relations until you can be sure of no pregnancy, all the while you are getting sick…wow, I am frightened.
I have no advice whatsoever here, because this situation sounds so precarious to me. But please, please, talk to your priest and your doctor. Make sure your doctor absolutely understands that as a Catholic, you are not going to be contracepting relations. Make sure your priest understands how serious the risks are for the baby who might be conceived and for you.
Your obligation to your husband is not some absolute thing that precludes any consideration of mortality, serious illness, birth defects, and so on. Your husband is to tenderly care for your body as if it was his own, too. I don’t know if resolution of your medical condition is possible, or if using a less dangerous medication is an option, but I would hope that your health and wellbeing would be a higher priority right now than the joys of the marital embrace for your husband. Maybe he just needs to know how scared you are, and to understand that going off meds needs to be done only under doctor’s supervision, while carefully monitoring your health. He might justnot have considered the gravity of what you are facing.
God bless you and I hope you find help and answers soon.
 
From what I’m reading, I’m wondering if the medication is really part of the issue or if it’s serving more as a distraction to the bigger problem. Please correct me if I am wrong and my sincere apologies if that is the case! My reasons for this suggestions are that you say you two have had issues from day 1. If this is the case then I really think that while this medical issue is an important one, I would encourage you to look at the big picture. What does it mean to you to be a wife? Do you feel like if it weren’t for this medication, you would be giving of yourself fully to your husband?
 
thank you for the thoughts- there is not need to be scared for, I won’t be careless about it, well, I was once and now I am back on meds again and starting to even out, healthwise, again. . But I feel just, guilty and awful saying no to my spouse, all the time, now that I know some more- and I’ve recently had some kind of healings in this area due to understanding better what his rights are towards me (lots of readings here! so many heroic, beautiful wives and husbands-! ) so it’s not as impossible-seeming to try for it as it used to seem.

Yes- my husband is my hero- he is very saintly in many ways, he is a beautiful kind man, a wonderful father-and not an average guy. But, he doesn’t see or seem to believe in the idea of abstaining for serious reasons. He won’t force me, but he doesn’t mind asking, in his way of asking- and then I have to say no, I’m sorry, usually, unless it’s safe time, or, I am willing to go off meds immediately. .😦 He doesn’t want to do this- he wants me off the medications I am on so that it is not an issue anymore. And this causes me some resentment, or- just deep sadness, actually, when I think about it some more. But, as I said, I’ve caused him deep pain by unwarranted refusals in the past, so it is a two-way street to find out way to a place of love. It is not meanness on his part, more carelessness, and attitude of “God will make it all work out for us.” Maybe he is right, and I should just- stop meds. It’s very hard to say. It helps to write it out among good people) Thanks for listening.
 
You stated that you have said no even when it was safe to say yes. IMO that is sin. As you are not able to perform your duties as a wife, for very good reasons, when it is safe you should consider that a blessing. A little sacrifice goes a long way.
 
I agree that it is a sin. I’m not trying to justify my actions.
 
I think that the OP should try to find out (through counselling) WHY she finds sex so awful. Until she understands why she hates sex, it doesn’t matter if she says “yes” to her husband. No husband, unless he is a sadist, wants to make love to a woman who hates the very act of lovemaking and finds his touch horrible.

Even her word for sex–“the marriage duty” implies that she hates it. Why?

Is there physical pain? This needs to be fixed by a doctor. There are treatments, and I hope that the OP will not suffer pain when there is a cure.

Is her hatred of sex psychological? If so, why? Was there abuse in the past? Is it possible that the OP has repressed the abuse? Did something else happened that traumatized the OP and made her fear sex? A trained counselor/psychologist needs to get at the root of any psychological problems, and then help the OP to learn ways to heal.

Is her hatred of sex based on an incorrect understanding of the teachings of the Church? Has the OP somehow been taught throughout her life that sex is dirty or sinful? A priest or spiritual director might be able to help her to unlearn this incorrect teaching.

The OP sounds motivated to change. I hope that the OP will find the proper person who will work with her and help her to get at the root of her hatred of the act of love.
 
Which is the bigger problem? Is it that you are not as interested in sex as your husband? Or it is that you are afraid of becoming pregnant while on medication? Is that the reason for your lack of interest? If your doctor has told you that you shouldn’t become pregnant on this medication, then you shouldn’t. And depending on what it is, it may not be enough to stop the medication at the time of sexual relations.
 
Most women have more than 3 “safe” days, even when following NFP conservatively. If your luteal phases are so short, you might consider ways to lengthen them. The book Fertility, Cycles, and Nutrition, which offers advice on ways to correct menstrual cycle problems.

Of course, that will not solve the problem of your lack of interest. But perhaps having more “safe” days will reduce your fears. Also, is this medication long term? Are there alternatives?
 
I have some good news that has filled me with joy…I had a chat with my husband, I was able to share with him, my fears, and he has apologized for pressuring me to have relations when it is maybe, dangerous. We are discussing alternatives together. I may go off the medication, with his support and help. We are deciding together, what is best- thank God. I should have trusted him, all along.

I no longer feel this thread is necessary because it galvanized me to have the discussion that was needed with my spouse, I was scared to have- who I realized, loves me much more than anyone on the internet ever could…so I just want to thank all for chiming in on this thread, and now, hopefully, to close it…

Thank you Luna, Lancer and Mommamaree for your charitable concern for another person…

take care, and thank all of you you for your thoughts, which have really helped me, in one way or another.

A blessed Christmas…
 
Mary,
This cheers my heart. I am glad you had such a good talk with your husband. I am glad you two have decided about your meds in accord with each other. It kinda sounded from your post that your husband had serious reservations about the use of the meds anyway. I know my husband loves me so much that he helps me decide about use of medications when the issue arises. I hope you remain well or find a more satisfactory treatment with your doctor.
Regarding the marriage duty issue…I think sometimes things in our inner life get out of whack and it is not a problem for us to remind ourselves of our obligations and promises. I have had to work through a lot of emotional junk and now I am at a place where the very second I experience turmoil or confusion about sexual issues, I run to my husband to get set straight and expunge the garbage that I was struggling with. A loving husband can be an amazing help in this way…patience, compassion, understanding, etc.
Hope you have a merry Christmas! I personally am looking forward to some quiet evenings snuggling with my hubby by the fire. I hope you and your hubby enjoy some similarly wonderful couple time to rest in each others’s love! 😃
 
Just a thought . . .

When I was married and using NFP, I would share my “tracking” calendar with my husband so he would understand when the “safe” and “unsafe” days were happening. That way we both knew whether we would be having sex that night or not! There wasn’t any “pressuring” from my husband, as he was aware of the situation by taking a look at the calendar and knew when we would be able to have relations again.

It is both the husband and wife’s responsibility to cooperate together in the NFP process.
 
I am the same way. I have a lot of emotional scarring from being betrayed, taken advantage of, and raped by a previous boyfriend. When those images come back I just can’t do anything. I don’t want to be with my husband.

I can’t have sex to make him happy. It causes me to break down and all of those emotions come back to me.

When it comes to NFP, we mark the calender to let us know the times it should be safe, and adjust it as needed. If I am in the mood and able during that time, we are able to go at it.

I don’t see it as a sin if you aren’t in the mood and ready. It can be emotionally damaging to force yourself to have sex.
 
Cariethra said:
I am the same way. I have a lot of emotional scarring from being betrayed, taken advantage of, and raped by a previous boyfriend. When those images come back I just can’t do anything. I don’t want to be with my husband.

I can’t have sex to make him happy. It causes me to break down and all of those emotions come back to me.

When it comes to NFP, we mark the calender to let us know the times it should be safe, and adjust it as needed. If I am in the mood and able during that time, we are able to go at it.

I don’t see it as a sin if you aren’t in the mood and ready. It can be emotionally damaging to force yourself to have sex.
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My heart goes out to you- Any loving spouse, will appreciate this- many people do not fully understand the damage that is done to a woman’s sexuality- emotionally, physically, and spiritually- when there has been any abuse (psychological, spiritual and/or physical.) It is easy to reprimand a woman for not “putting out” and much more difficult to listen and love the person. (part of why I want to close this thread) However- you have brought up some very important points, and maybe people need to hear it, and actually consider it. But, I fear you have opened yourself up, so do ignore it if you get posts to what you have said that are less than sensitive. I have actually emailed the moderator and asked to have this thread closed, because I’m scared that it will hurt people who have already been hurt enough.

Mommmaree, I just love what you said about “running to your husband” to get straightened out when things get difficult for you. I love that, and it is truly, the antidote. This is what I discovered and am continuing to discover! It is going to be a nice Christmas, after all! So many graces in the sacrament can only help if we are open with eachother in communications about this issue. Thank you for your help.
 
I’m a married man who hasn’t fullfilled his marriage duties in over a year. My wife resents this (and a lot of other things). I want to work on communication and marriage issues, sex will come afterwards to me. She wants it now. We are at a stand still. Just so you know it’s not only woman.

Peace,
Bill
 
Bill_7154 said:
I’m a married man who hasn’t fullfilled his marriage duties in over a year. My wife resents this (and a lot of other things). I want to work on communication and marriage issues, sex will come afterwards to me. She wants it now. We are at a stand still. Just so you know it’s not only woman.

Peace,
Bill
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Bill, there’s a really good thread started on the five “love languages” today that might be of interest to you. Sex IS a communication and marriage issue, and for your wife, it might be a very important way of giving and receiving love. By withholding it, you might actually be sending the opposite message of what you intend.
 
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