Asking out an older man at work

[Marie682]

Colorful is great in its place, but bruises are colorful, too. Sometimes, it is beige that is beautiful.

I love this. So true!

 

[BadTurkey]

Any advice would be awesome!

In my opinion, not a good idea, period, for the reasons that previous posters have mentioned. This is simply a recipe for disaster, office drama, and hurt feelings.

He’s old enough to be your father.

 

[DenverJen]

Did I say don’t flirt or don’t have any emotions? I said flirt with someone who isn’t going to own the whole relationship and don’t let your emotions run you.

It is colorless to run after things that you have to know you’re going to regret? That’s the kind of “colorful” that gets people into bad marriages and prematurely out of good ones. It is not as if stupid relationships don’t hurt anyone. Colorful is great in its place, but bruises are colorful, too. Sometimes, it is beige that is beautiful.

Why are you assuming so much with knowing nothing about this man? How do you know he is going to “own the whole relationship?” How do you KNOW she’s going to regret it?

I think it a perfectly fine idea to ask him out. It could turn out to be a bad match, but it could also turn out that he’s a great man who could be a good friend, or something more!

 

[Sierrah]

IMHOP bad idea all around.

He’s a lot older and weather you like it or not the age difference will get the way…I’m speaking from experience here. Also he works in the same building so if things get awkward you have nowhere to go and you’ll still be running into him all the time. If he was really interested he would ask you out. Let the guy do the asking otherwise you’re already starting off on the wrong foot. If he doesn’t ask you out he’s not interested enough. Men will go after what they really want.

 

[BlueSprite]

I think a lot of the posters have brought up really good points so far…so not gonna expound on any of 'em.

OP - have you decided what to do?

If nothing…that’s cool.

If something…I would suggest…well, you don’t know much about him yet right? Just from afar? You need to start a conversation with him. First and foremost. I would suggest this prior to asking him out. Asking him out is fine…kind of…but I am a bit old fashioned here…I think men like the pursuit…and it’s always ideal if you can get them to ask you out first. I know I know…it’s 2010, and as one who has tried to buck tradition on more than one occasion I’ve found I usually got thrown off the horse and landed flat on my face in thinking I could do it “my way.” Seems some things in nature just never change, and a man asking out the woman seems to be what works best in my experience. Anyway, for what it’s worth…I think if you have decided you want to make a move…try talking to him. Find a way to “run into” him on the street. You’re both French you say? Bump into him by “accident” and then say “Excusez-moi - oh! I’m sorry!” LOL - he’ll probably be shocked to hear French and then you have a fabulous ice-breaker.

Anyway, my point is, I think it’s best to get to know him first, before making it a “date.” Sure you’ve seen his FB page but that only shows you what people WANT to show the world…not necessarily the nitty gritty reality. Like some have said…he could have major baggage…and not that there’s anything wrong with that…but usually us older folks have more relationship experience that we bring to the table and which alters the way we approach relationships in general. Some of us have worked through it…some…not so much. If he’s 43, no doubt he has a past…dunno if it’s good or bad or in-between…but you can be sure he’s got one. So understand that you’ll both be approaching things from different viewpoints which definitely color one’s worldview in ways you might not have considered.

So get to know him first!!! (If you’re gonna try and meet him that is…)

 

[DJgang]

Just saying, three things that I might would find out definitely before asking him out. 1) been married before 2) any children 3) is he gay

Hopefully there is someone in his company that you may can ask, etc. and so what if he finds out that you are asking about him.

This is what I would do.

 

[angelic06]

A 30 year old woman just asked me out to lunch two days ago, that is the next best thing! I do have a thing for older women!

Geck, jk.!..I don’t, but that’s just me. Now, I’m more interested in those about 4 years or so younger than me, but provided that they already be in college and preferably be close to graduating from college, if not graduated. I’m not now even interested in those about my age minus < 4 years. (I just finished saying the 54 day rosary novena, for among other things, a romantic mate, but in God’s time, not my own.) To each his/her own, I guess. Cheers!

(The irony is that when I was way younger, the ones I had a crush on always seemed to be in 2 academic grades above me.)

And while I’ve been having having coughs and colds throughout this Adventide, it has proven to be a rather cheerful one for me as far as my mood is concerned, much better than last year. So I take this time to wish a blessed Christmastide to you all!

 

[collettejohns]

Well things didn’t turn out exactly the way I expected and now I’m in a bit of a pickle.

He’s a realtor so I figured that a way to spend more time with him would be to ask him to help me find an apartment. His facebook page popped up when I googled him so I sent him a message on there. I told him how it was funny that I was looking for a realtor and he showed up on my search. I said that maybe we should meet for coffee or drinks if he’s in town over the holidays so we can discuss what I’m looking for.

He asked me if we had met before and told me that he could help me find an apartment. I was really embarrassed that he didn’t recognize that it was me so I didn’t respond. Come Monday, we’re both in the building pretty late so I decided to have a little fun and tell him that he does know me he must just not remember. He asked me to send him a picture so I did. I also told him what I was looking for in an apartment.

Come today, he didn’t respond after I sent my picture so I was like oh great he realized it’s me and isn’t interested. I ended up running into him in the kitchen area and he was talking to me for a while. He kept making small talk so I realized that I have to tell him that I sent the email. I ran into him in the hallway again and I told him that I sent it and that I do need a realtor. He told me he would look for what I wanted, make a list and send it to me. I knocked on his door later and told him more specifications for what I wanted and he sent me a list of apartments.

Now that I’ve had time to think about it, I feel bad because a. I wasted his time b. I can’t afford anywhere near what I told him I could and c. I don’t know how to get out of it. He thinks I need an apartment in January and he’s looking into it. I just wanted to find a way to talk to him but he’s totally about business.

I’m not sure how to tell him that I don’t actually need an apartment because I was so adamant about needing one before.

 

[kib]

Bummer. Hope you have better luck landing a well-seasoned man in the future.

 

[collettejohns]

Bummer. Hope you have better luck landing a well-seasoned man in the future.

My concern now is more about not looking like an idiot when I tell him that I don’t want an apartment anymore.

 

[Marie682]

My concern now is more about not looking like an idiot when I tell him that I don’t want an apartment anymore.

I think you could just thank him for the time he spent looking for you, and explain that your circumstances changed and you decided to stay where you are now. He seems sort of indifferent, so I doubt he will mind not getting any more detail than that. I would tell him sooner rather than later though, so he doesn’t spend any more time looking when you don’t really need one.

 

[styrgwillidar]

The longer you wait, the more time he wastes. I’m sure things like that happen all the time, people do change their minds about moving since it’s a big deal. Leases get renegotiated etc. I had a friend who was going to move because they were raising the rent on his condo, but as the date got closer the owner changed their mind and agreed to continue at his current rent- but go 6 month lease instead of a year.

He’ll understand and appreciate it if you let him know earlier rather than later.

 

[BadTurkey]

Well things didn’t turn out exactly the way I expected and now I’m in a bit of a pickle.

He’s a realtor so I figured that a way to spend more time with him would be to ask him to help me find an apartment. His facebook page popped up when I googled him so I sent him a message on there. I told him how it was funny that I was looking for a realtor and he showed up on my search. I said that maybe we should meet for coffee or drinks if he’s in town over the holidays so we can discuss what I’m looking for.

He asked me if we had met before and told me that he could help me find an apartment. I was really embarrassed that he didn’t recognize that it was me so I didn’t respond. Come Monday, we’re both in the building pretty late so I decided to have a little fun and tell him that he does know me he must just not remember. He asked me to send him a picture so I did. I also told him what I was looking for in an apartment.

Come today, he didn’t respond after I sent my picture so I was like oh great he realized it’s me and isn’t interested. I ended up running into him in the kitchen area and he was talking to me for a while. He kept making small talk so I realized that I have to tell him that I sent the email. I ran into him in the hallway again and I told him that I sent it and that I do need a realtor. He told me he would look for what I wanted, make a list and send it to me. I knocked on his door later and told him more specifications for what I wanted and he sent me a list of apartments.

Now that I’ve had time to think about it, I feel bad because a. I wasted his time b. I can’t afford anywhere near what I told him I could and c. I don’t know how to get out of it. He thinks I need an apartment in January and he’s looking into it. I just wanted to find a way to talk to him but he’s totally about business.

I’m not sure how to tell him that I don’t actually need an apartment because I was so adamant about needing one before.

I’m really sorry, but this sounds like stalker-ish behavior. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I think it’s in your - and his - best interest for you to stop this kind of behavior. For all you know, he could be married. What would his wife think if she found out he’s been getting messages on Facebook from female strangers?

 

[lao_tzu]

Now that I’ve had time to think about it, I feel bad because a. I wasted his time b. I can’t afford anywhere near what I told him I could and c. I don’t know how to get out of it. He thinks I need an apartment in January and he’s looking into it. I just wanted to find a way to talk to him but he’s totally about business.

I’m not sure how to tell him that I don’t actually need an apartment because I was so adamant about needing one before.

Give any guy a problem to solve, and that’s what happens. We’re not mind readers, and most especially we’re not women. We can’t “figure out” that someone is hitting on us when we’re in the middle of solving a problem. The emotions get turned off in order to concentrate.

Now here’s the good news. You don’t actually have a problem to be solved. You don’t need that apartment. At any point during this adventure you could just tell him you don’t need that apartment, and turn his emotion filter back to off.

There’s bad news here, too. You’re worried about him thinking you’re a fool, when you should be worrying about him thinking you’re a pathological liar. What have you done in approaching this guy that was honest? That’s a real issue. Is this what he should expect from a relationship with you?

Just by the way, if you did 'fess up and come clean, it would be seen as endearing, and quite flattering, not foolish. Try it. You’ll find I’m right.

As ever, Jesse

 

[lao_tzu]

I’m really sorry, but this sounds like stalker-ish behavior. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I think it’s in your - and his - best interest for you to stop this kind of behavior. For all you know, he could be married. What would his wife think if she found out he’s been getting messages on Facebook from female strangers?

Let’s not get hyperbolic. She hasn’t followed him around to find out where he lives, what bars he heads to, who his family is … all the real stalker-ish behavior. It’s not even creepy. I’ve got friends who do criminal background checks and financial profiles on gals before they consider dating them. Ugh.

It’s entirely natural to try to find out things about someone you’re interested in. Let’s not turn pretend that’s equivalent to stalking.

As ever, Jesse

 

[BadTurkey]

Let’s not get hyperbolic. She hasn’t followed him around to find out where he lives, what bars he heads to, who his family is … all the real stalker-ish behavior. It’s not even creepy. I’ve got friends who do criminal background checks and financial profiles on gals before they consider dating them. Ugh.

It’s entirely natural to try to find out things about someone you’re interested in. Let’s not turn pretend that’s equivalent to stalking.

As ever, Jesse

I do not wish to comment further without additional information; however, that is my opinion as stated based on the information given. You are entitled to your opinion, and I respect that.

Peace.

 

[silentstar]

My concern now is more about not looking like an idiot when I tell him that I don’t want an apartment anymore.

My advice is just tell him that though you would love a dream apartment such as he found - it sounds like the places he found for you were pretty nice - in thinking about your finances you realize you can’t afford to move. That’s the truth and realtors are probably used to hearing that from people all the time. The sooner you say it the better. I would not suggest asking him out at this point; he might feel manipulated if he realizes you were trying to combine business and social activity and then working with him in the same building might be difficult. Just keeping it at, I’m sorry I can’t afford an apartment, he may be briefly annoyed but should understand b/c I’m sure that happens all the time with potential buyers and esp. at emotional times like holidays.

 

[BadTurkey]

My advice is just tell him that though you would love a dream apartment such as he found - it sounds like the places he found for you were pretty nice - in thinking about your finances you realize you can’t afford to move. That’s the truth and realtors are probably used to hearing that from people all the time. The sooner you say it the better. I would not suggest asking him out at this point; he might feel manipulated if he realizes you were trying to combine business and social activity and then working with him in the same building might be difficult. Just keeping it at, I’m sorry I can’t afford an apartment, he may be briefly annoyed but should understand b/c I’m sure that happens all the time with potential buyers and esp. at emotional times like holidays.

I had something similar happen to me. Someone asked me for a favor, and I agreed to do it because she was a friend, even though I hadn’t seen her in quite a while. After I put in the work, she told me to forget about it and it wasn’t important, anyway. Then she proceeded to ask me to dinner. That was not a good idea. I was really turned off, and I never spoke to her again.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

There’s bad news here, too. You’re worried about him thinking you’re a fool, when you should be worrying about him thinking you’re a pathological liar. What have you done in approaching this guy that was honest? That’s a real issue. Is this what he should expect from a relationship with you?

Collette, I don’t think you’re a stalker, but to me, how you went about approaching this man really shows me that you’re not mature enough to be dating him. I mean, what did you think would happen? You decided to lie to him about needing an apartment, but didn’t you stop to consider that at some point you would have to tell him the truth? So, this dilemma you’re having is now is completely of your own making.

I agree that when it comes to the business part, he understands that it’s part of the business for people to “window shop” and then change their minds, and I don’t think he’d be offended if you told him that you’d decided you can’t afford to move. If you don’t feel comfortable telling him this personally, then you could just e-mail him or leave him a note.

I would not ask him out or confess your attraction to him right now. Sure, he may be flattered, but he might also feel manipulated. I’d actually wonder about his maturity if he decided you were a good match for him at this point. I’d ask you to think, very hard, about what you’d think of a guy who approached you in the same way. Would you feel flattered, or wonder why he didn’t just ask you out without going through a charade?

Also, remember, there is a reason people say “be careful what you ask for, you just might get it”. Let’s say you confess everything, he feels flattered, and he takes you up on your offer. However, would this really be because he liked you as a person, or just because he liked the idea of having a young girl hanging on his shoulder? Would he really see you as an equal to be courted and respected, or a silly girl who’d only be good for a sexual conquest he can brag about to his friends later?

Now, I’m not saying all single men his age are like this. Maybe he just hasn’t found the right woman yet. But a lot of the time, a man who is a “confirmed bachelor” is that way because he just doesn’t want the commitment of a marriage or even a long-term relationship. If he’s like that, he very well might agree to date you…but I don’t see most mature men his age going for that.