Asking people about having kids

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Schieffelin

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My husband and I got married three years ago. We have actively been trying to get pregnant for a little more than half that time. Before we actively started trying, we were only postponing (through NFP) because of severe financial circumstances. Once we were a tiny bit more stable with finances we started trying to get pregnant, but it has become clear that I have some serious female health issues standing in the way of our dreams for a family, at least for now.

Here’s why I’m writing this post. It’s one part vent and one part a plea to all of you. From very early in our marriage many of our friends at church and some people in DH’s family would ask us “when do you plan on having kids.” These people are well-meaning and simply excited for us to have children, so I always try to respond with charity. But the truth is that question HURTS. A lot. Also, it is really a very rude and insensitive question. If we wanted you to know what our “schedule” for having kids was, we would have told you…

I was always taught this this was a very rude question, and I am quite frankly appalled at the number of times we have been asked. And by people who I really expect to have better manners. The Catholics in my life are the worst offenders. I guess if you’re not pregnant within 6 weeks of marriage then people start getting nosy. I also resent that some people assume we are contracepting or postponing for selfish reasons when nothing could be further from the truth.

I suppose I’m just putting this out there as a public service announcement :o

PLEASE, if you know a young couple without children–please just don’t ask them about it. It is none of your business. And please, if possible, help the educate others about this. Those of us suffering with infertility are often already in so much pain that we just don’t want to go out there publicly and educate people about this. We need others (especially Catholics) to be advocates on our behalf. The only reason I could work up my courage to even do this post is that it’s a semi-anonymous venue.

Thank you for listening 🙂
 
Your welcome. I am sorry for your suffering. I pray The Lord will console you and enlighten your neighbors.

Peace
 
I’m sorry this is happening to you, people can be so rude. I would smile sweetly and say, “Why do you ask?” They will likely stammer some and be a tad embarrassed, but perhaps will think twice about asking again. Or not. But you will have made your point. And they are going to think what they think no matter what you do or don’t do, so live your life as you see fit and never give any one else’s opinions about it a second thought.

I hope it happens for you soon!
 
You are absolutely right! This is my #1 most hated question and I am asked constantly. I just say that we’re happy with whatever happens. We really are trying, but I just do not want to talk about my personal business with others! Plus, if I say that we are trying, I feel like they would start bugging me even more, “Are you pregnant yet?”

I know they mean well, but it does hurt. I am always nice in my replies, but I really want to scream “None of your business!”
 
Schieffelin said:
My husband and I got married three years ago. We have actively been trying to get pregnant for a little more than half that time. Before we actively started trying, we were only postponing (through NFP) because of severe financial circumstances. Once we were a tiny bit more stable with finances we started trying to get pregnant, but it has become clear that I have some serious female health issues standing in the way of our dreams for a family, at least for now.

Here’s why I’m writing this post. It’s one part vent and one part a plea to all of you. From very early in our marriage many of our friends at church and some people in DH’s family would ask us “when do you plan on having kids.” These people are well-meaning and simply excited for us to have children, so I always try to respond with charity. But the truth is that question HURTS. A lot. Also, it is really a very rude and insensitive question. If we wanted you to know what our “schedule” for having kids was, we would have told you…

I was always taught this this was a very rude question, and I am quite frankly appalled at the number of times we have been asked. And by people who I really expect to have better manners. The Catholics in my life are the worst offenders. I guess if you’re not pregnant within 6 weeks of marriage then people start getting nosy. I also resent that some people assume we are contracepting or postponing for selfish reasons when nothing could be further from the truth.

I suppose I’m just putting this out there as a public service announcement :o

PLEASE, if you know a young couple without children–please just don’t ask them about it. It is none of your business. And please, if possible, help the educate others about this. Those of us suffering with infertility are often already in so much pain that we just don’t want to go out there publicly and educate people about this. We need others (especially Catholics) to be advocates on our behalf. The only reason I could work up my courage to even do this post is that it’s a semi-anonymous venue.

Thank you for listening 🙂
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I am sorry, people can be so thoughtless. I completely understand you pain. Since this is family, I am wondering if privately you can tell them that you are trying and open to life and would like their prayers and support not questions.
 
First off… I’m so sorry you are suffering through this. 😦 Please know you’ll be in my prayers.
robwar said:
I am sorry, people can be so thoughtless. I completely understand you pain. Since this is family, I am wondering if privately you can tell them that you are trying and open to life and would like their prayers and support not questions.
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Actually, I think this is a great idea. Since you do recognize that people aren’t necessarily trying to probe, then ask them for prayers! Sometimes it’s hard to open up about private topics like this, but it can be a very freeing experience to share those very painful thoughts. You never know what others may gain through your witness to sharing that you are, indeed, being open to life… and maybe there are many prayers awaiting your situation. It’s okay to ask for prayers. 🙂

(((HUGS)))…
 
Give them the Miss Manners arched eyebrow did-I-really-just-hear-you-ask-such-a-rude-question look.
 
robwar said:
I am sorry, people can be so thoughtless. I completely understand you pain. Since this is family, I am wondering if privately you can tell them that you are trying and open to life and would like their prayers and support not questions.
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It’s not just family. It’s mostly people from our church or social circles. I do usually end up hinting at what’s going on and asking for their prayers—but the point I’m trying to make here is they shouldn’t be asking in the first place. And if I had to tell our very private story to everyone who asked, I would be talking about it all the time and it’s hard enough not to dwell on it as it is.

Like I said, I recognize that most people have good intentions. And I do appreciate prayers from those who offer them. But it would really be better if people didn’t pry to begin with.
 
Em_in_FL said:
First off… I’m so sorry you are suffering through this. 😦 Please know you’ll be in my prayers.

Actually, I think this is a great idea. Since you do recognize that people aren’t necessarily trying to probe, then ask them for prayers! Sometimes it’s hard to open up about private topics like this, but it can be a very freeing experience to share those very painful thoughts. You never know what others may gain through your witness to sharing that you are, indeed, being open to life… and maybe there are many prayers awaiting your situation. It’s okay to ask for prayers. 🙂

(((HUGS)))…
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I understand what you’re saying, Em; I really do. But if you understood just how often we are asked and just how painful this is, I think you would feel as I do—that you’d much rather keep it private. The people who I trust with the information about our infertility already know about it. I don’t want to have to explain it to every other person who asks, and I certainly do not trust most people not to talk about it with other people. I already regret telling some of the people that I have opened up to.
 
Schieffelin said:
I understand what you’re saying, Em; I really do. But if you understood just how often we are asked and just how painful this is, I think you would feel as I do—that you’d much rather keep it private. The people who I trust with the information about our infertility already know about it. I don’t want to have to explain it to every other person who asks, and I certainly do not trust most people not to talk about it with other people. I already regret telling some of the people that I have opened up to.
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From someone who’s been married longer than you, I COMPLETELY understand. People ask ALL the time. Everyone at work asks, people I hardly know. My boss asks when he’s going to have “grandchildren.” (I have known him since I was 17 and he is somewhat of a father figure). Again, these are nice people who mean well, but I do NOT want to discuss this with them. I laugh it off on the outside, but on the inside it hurts!
 
Schieffelin said:
I understand what you’re saying, Em; I really do. But if you understood just how often we are asked and just how painful this is, I think you would feel as I do—that you’d much rather keep it private. The people who I trust with the information about our infertility already know about it. I don’t want to have to explain it to every other person who asks, and I certainly do not trust most people not to talk about it with other people. I already regret telling some of the people that I have opened up to.
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I guess it could get awfully complicated and detailed fast… What a shame you’re even put into this sort of situation in the first place - I couldn’t imagine asking those sorts of questions. 😦

It also goes without saying that outside appearances aren’t always what they seem. I know many large-ish families (4+ kids) that openly talk about getting sterilized when they were “done”… random eyes would think they were “good Catholics”… :rolleyes:

Anyway… continued prayers. Keep fighting the good fight, and rest assured that God will bless you through your struggles in ways that you may never imagine. (((HUGS)))
 
Some people are just rude. But I agree that this is a very hurtful thing to ask another person.
I am inclined to be more than a little snarky, so take this as that, but I would say, :bigyikes:“What did you just ask me?”:ehh: And if that doesn’t send them into apologies for being so thoughtless/rude, if they repeat the question, then I would say, “Yes, that’s what I thought I heard you say, but I just couldn’t** believe** that** anyone** would be so :tsktsk:rude & :tsktsk:ill-mannered as to ask such a personal question”.:dts: (I might even add, “:mad:Shame on you!!)”
:hug1: and :byzsoc:
 
Yes, that question is a very rude and intrusive question with the potential to cause a lot of pain. It always amazed that some people do not understand why. I have wondered why certain friends never had children but I refrained from asking why because it was none of my business! Thanks for reminding us.
 
Demetra2 said:
Yes, that question is a very rude and intrusive question with the potential to cause a lot of pain. It always amazed that some people do not understand why. I have wondered why certain friends never had children but I refrained from asking why because it was none of my business! Thanks for reminding us.
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I think it is because some people have no problem with sharing their personal business with everyone and can’t imagine that a lot of people aren’t like that. Other people I think don’t even imagine that not everyone can have kids at the drop of a hat.
 
anp1215 said:
From someone who’s been married longer than you, I COMPLETELY understand. People ask ALL the time. Everyone at work asks, people I hardly know. My boss asks when he’s going to have “grandchildren.” (I have known him since I was 17 and he is somewhat of a father figure). Again, these are nice people who mean well, but I do NOT want to discuss this with them. I laugh it off on the outside, but on the inside it hurts!
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Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. I kept hoping that after a few years people would start to put two and two together on their own…but I guess not. 🤷
 
Would a simple “we have always left this totally in God’s hands” be a good response? It hints at your situation without requiring any more elaboration. I understand that it must hurt terribly. But when people see you gracefully undergoing your trial, and they see you are not bitter (which you do not appear to be in the slightest) it might be a good witness to them about faithfulness to God’s will even as we endure the pain.
Our contraceptive culture has so masked the reality of infertility that couples have struggled with throughout time. In days gone by, a couple who had not been blessed with a child was seen as bearing a cross. Infertility was the first assumption, and was cause for compassion and prayers. Rampant use of contraception has completely removed awareness of this from most people’s minds. Faithful, loving couples like you and your husband can be a light to the world as you handle these questions with patience and honesty.
You don’t have to reveal everything, but a short statement such as the one I mentioned old be helpful to address the question honestly and then quickly move on.
God bless you and your husband. I am very sorry for your pain.
 
Dear OP,

My heart bleeds for you. Not that I am trying to equate my pain with yours but you do remind me of something I am going through. I am not working and this is the third tim e in my life I have been unemployed for months at a time. And I am SO sick of people asking why I am not working. Or when I do get a job and I am finally relieved to have income people ask ‘how is the job’ which just rubs salt on my wounds from all the cruel comments people made while I was out of work. And yes, a lot of these people are Catholic.

And this is how I am handling it. When asked I say ‘I do not want to talk about it’. Depending on my mood and how often I have already told that particular person, the politeness in my voice varies. And sadly I am learning who is not a friend. Which is much better than being around their annoying questions.

As for family, all the more reason to be firm. Family does NOT hurt you. And worse, family usually does not keep a secret

I am sorry for your pain

Angie
 
Oh Schieffelin, I am so sorry. My heart aches for you. I remember that pain all too well. My response usually was: “Whenever the good Lord sends them” or something to that effect. That typically was enough of an allusion to potential problems that the questioner realized that they shouldn’t have asked. If I was asked multiple times by the same person, I was not so polite on subsequent answers and informed them that was a very private question and none of their business.

Sending hugs your way! (BTW, if you’re interested in a Christian – though not specifically Catholic – web forum for infertility, send me a private message and I can provide you with a site that was helpful to me when dealing with some of the pain of infertility.)
 
Yes, ma’am, I know how this is – I’ve been married ten years, and can’t have kids due to severe endometriosis. Every time somebody asks me about it, I want to screeeeeeeeem.

The worst offenders are young parents, extended family members, and little-old-lady friends of my mother’s, who think that they know me because they know her.

They always ask in the most tactless possible way:

“No kids yet?” (I wasn’t aware there was some kind of quota I had to fulfill, thanks)

“You’re still having trouble conceiving?” (Yes, I am a problem child that way, I guess)

“Your parents had EIGHT KIDS! How come you don’t have even ONE?” (As if I didn’t know how many siblings I had already?)

I usually reply with the most dismissive possible: “We’ll let you know,” and then get away from them as fast as I can.

Seriously, don’t bother trying to explain that you’re having difficulty or whatever, because then you’ll get cheery “advice” – “You just need to pray!” (Right, because infertility is caused by insufficient prayer, that’s it.)

I even tried to explain to a rather dotty friend of my mother’s that after a therapeutic partial hysterectomy and endometrial ablation, my chances of conceiving were pretty much nil. This woman STILL would not let it go – “Well, I’ll pray for you, I’ll pray for you!”

The worst part is when you say that you’re having problems or that it’s unlikely, and they want to hold your hand and expect you to rend your garments and dutifully wallow in your grief for them. I always want to say: “Look, I was diagnosed with endo when I was 18. I’ve known that it could sterilize me from day one – this is old news to me. Please just get over it already, because I have.”

headdesk
headdesk
headdesk
 
I want to thank you all for your compassion and your prayers, and for sharing about your own struggles. it really means a lot to me.
 
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