Assisting singles who are called to marriage is actually a practical way of addressing some of the moral issues that the Church is dealing with

[HerCrazierHalf]

Such as?

The freedoms that are limited or relinquished for relationships are many. For instance

1. Most decisions are no longer simple. Ranging from otherwise trivial like dinner to life changing like career out London changes, the fact that another is greatly leotard and has a say complicates things. The ability to do almost anything on a whim vanishes.
2. Access to quiet solitude on demand gets harder. Our spouse is great but sometimes for no particular reason you may want some solitude at a time they don’t. Navigating this takes effort.
3. The concept of “my space” or “my stuff” becomes less tenable.
4. Logistical simplicity goes away. Coordinating vacation time with the each other and various activities st both off your jobs is sometimes tricky.
   Etc etc.

Over time these aspects of the single life are great and freeing. In a sense one is trading those in in a relationship and especially married life.

 

[spunjalebi]

I didn’t say that anyone was out to get the clergy or the religious life. Almost every singles group is already at least indirectly about matchmaking.

I am saying that we need to consider that being single is a perfectly valid state and that we should stop pressuring people who do not desire to get married into getting married.

religious-vocation.com/

In Europe there historically were plenty of single people, up to 20% remained unmarried and most of them were not part of religious life. Back then the concept of the extended family still existed in the West before being bludgeoned to death by the modernist abomination of the nuclear family. During that time family actually stuck together and it was relatively common for someone who was not immediate family to live with a family. Furthermore you also had other social structures such as beguinages creating space for unmarried people.

I actually agree with you quite a bit, and also based on my understanding of family life before the modern era.

The problem is, many families have no inclination to hark back to those structures. There are families who could care less about their cousins. I find it sad, because at one hand as Christians there’s a tendency to talk a lot about community and family but when it comes to actually implementing the structures and solutions to make it happen, it loses traction. I think people are very much preoccupied with the idea of the nuclear family only, as if all of these families are their own little islands.

We no longer have those family and social structures in place to assist and welcome people in all stages of life. I don’t think it’s good to be nostalgic about it.

That’s why if parishes wish to propose ministries to help singles, I am for it.

 

[Joie_de_Vivre]

The freedoms that are limited or relinquished for relationships are many. For instance

1. Most decisions are no longer simple. Ranging from otherwise trivial like dinner to life changing like career out London changes, the fact that another is greatly leotard and has a say complicates things. The ability to do almost anything on a whim vanishes.
2. Access to quiet solitude on demand gets harder. Our spouse is great but sometimes for no particular reason you may want some solitude at a time they don’t. Navigating this takes effort.
3. The concept of “my space” or “my stuff” becomes less tenable.
4. Logistical simplicity goes away. Coordinating vacation time with the each other and various activities st both off your jobs is sometimes tricky.
   Etc etc.

Over time these aspects of the single life are great and freeing. In a sense one is trading those in in a relationship and especially married life.

1. Single people these days tend to not have much money if they live on their own and if they live with family they tend to not have as freedom as you think
2. It isn’t solitude if you are there with someone else. Why do married people feel the need to be so clingy? Demanding all of your needs be met by one person is an excellent way to get them to burn out, thus why you actually maintain friendships.
3. Being self centered selfish brats isn’t necessarily a single person issue.
4. People, especially men, need to learn to communicate.

I actually agree with you quite a bit, and also based on my understanding of family life before the modern era.

The problem is, many families have no inclination to hark back to those structures. There are families who could care less about their cousins. I find it sad, because at one hand as Christians there’s a tendency to talk a lot about community and family but when it comes to actually implementing the structures and solutions to make it happen, it loses traction. I think people are very much preoccupied with the idea of the nuclear family only, as if all of these families are their own little islands.

We no longer have those family and social structures in place to assist and welcome people in all stages of life. I don’t think it’s good to be nostalgic about it.

That’s why if parishes wish to propose ministries to help singles, I am for it.

If the self-centric nature of society of today is like building on sand, then a society where the only real units are nuclear families is merely building on somewhat bigger grains of sand. The extended family is really quite useful and benefits pretty much everyone involved. No one is prepared to be a parent when the first child comes along, thus having your parents living with you when you first have kids is invaluable for helping you survive those first few months. Another example is if you have siblings near by you arrange to periodically watch the other’s kids, such as perhaps you watch them one weekend and they watch your kids for a weekend allowing each couple to occasionally get some time to themselves. It also if beneficial for helping on handyman tasks, for example one person might be good at plumbing and another might be good at carpentry or automobiles allowing you to do more tasks without having to spend a lot of money on a plumber of a mechanic.

These structures are fairly beneficial and help promote virtue as well as helping people stay sane.

 

[Sarcelle]

1. Single people these days tend to not have much money if they live on their own and if they live with family they tend to not have as freedom as you think
2. It isn’t solitude if you are there with someone else. Why do married people feel the need to be so clingy? Demanding all of your needs be met by one person is an excellent way to get them to burn out, thus why you actually maintain friendships.
3. Being self centered selfish brats isn’t necessarily a single person issue.
4. People, especially men, need to learn to communicate.

If the self-centric nature of society of today is like building on sand, then a society where the only real units are nuclear families is merely building on somewhat bigger grains of sand. The extended family is really quite useful and benefits pretty much everyone involved. No one is prepared to be a parent when the first child comes along, thus having your parents living with you when you first have kids is invaluable for helping you survive those first few months. Another example is if you have siblings near by you arrange to periodically watch the other’s kids, such as perhaps you watch them one weekend and they watch your kids for a weekend allowing each couple to occasionally get some time to themselves. It also if beneficial for helping on handyman tasks, for example one person might be good at plumbing and another might be good at carpentry or automobiles allowing you to do more tasks without having to spend a lot of money on a plumber of a mechanic.

These structures are fairly beneficial and help promote virtue as well as helping people stay sane.

:clapping:

 

[Norseman82]

What is so bad about not being married?

What, do you think we haven’t devalued and abused celibacy enough yet? Perhaps if we kick it some more people might find it more attractive? Part of the issue is the undervaluing of celibacy, historically in Catholic countries you often had up to 20% remain unmarried, the difference is people weren’t kicked out of the family at 18, instead they were always family, regardless of whether they moved out or got married.

Now that we have made every single group for unmarried people about getting them married we obviously need to open more groups for getting them married, right? Why does everyone seem opposed to the concept of promoting lay celibacy? After all the Church teaches celibacy is a greater good than marriage and that disagreement is anathema (i.e. heresy).

Celibacy may be a “higher calling” (although Trent may have used the word “virginity”, which the current CCC clarifies as priestly/religious/consecrated life), not everyone can handle lifelong celibacy.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Matchmaking? Seriously? Is being a single a disease that needs to be cured? If I came across a group that pressures single people to get married I would run the other way.

I can see if an individual wants to get married than the networking opportunities of groups would help. I have yet to see a singles group that does not pressure its members to get married. It may be different for Catholic single groups but it is true for Protestant single groups.

I have never found a Catholic singles group, period. And I would pay a ridiculous amount of money for some kind of matchmaking. I am over being single. Perpetual singleness has almost been like a disease to me. More power to those single who do not want help but I would

 

[Xantippe]

I have never found a Catholic singles group, period. And I would pay a ridiculous amount of money for some kind of matchmaking. I am over being single. Perpetual singleness has almost been like a disease to me. More power to those single who do not want help but I would

Not even anything diocesan?

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Not even anything diocesan?

I just did a google search and one singles group popped up on the rich side of the county All the Catholics events and stuff happen in the rich parts of the county.I should not have been surprised that the only singles group I find is also there. I do not come from the rich part of the county. The Diocese website or news paper never mentioned any singles groups. Not even the one I just found. There is a “Singles and Married couples for Christ” group at my parish but I really do not feel like going to hang out with a bunch of married couples that just looking at will remind me that I have nobody.

Maybe I will check out that singles group someday soon. I cannot say I am too excited about the location but I will put it on my too do list after I do some research on how often they meet and where exactly.

 

[Naskor]

I just did a google search and one singles group popped up on the rich side of the county All the Catholics events and stuff happen in the rich parts of the county.I should not have been surprised that the only singles group I find is also there. I do not come from the rich part of the county. The Diocese website or news paper never mentioned any singles groups. Not even the one I just found. There is a “Singles and Married couples for Christ” group at my parish but I really do not feel like going to hang out with a bunch of married couples that just looking at will remind me that I have nobody.

Maybe I will check out that singles group someday soon. I cannot say I am too excited about the location but I will put it on my too do list after I do some research on how often they meet and where exactly.

I know the feeling. The sex-abuse scandal hit my archdiocese really bad. Programs had to be cut to afford the lawsuit settlements and payouts, so literally every singles ministry in the entire archdiocese had to be cut.

 

[opera]

Celibacy may be a “higher calling” (although Trent may have used the word “virginity”, which the current CCC clarifies as priestly/religious/consecrated life), not everyone can handle lifelong celibacy.

You are quite right. Although the priesthood/religious life is the higher calling, it is a rare calling. The calling to remain in the single state is even rarer than that. The vast majority of people, Catholic or not, are called to the married state. The Church bases this teaching on Natural Law. In fact, marriage is sometimes referred to as the “default” vocation.

Contrasting sharply with the Church’s teaching in this area is the inordinate number of singles in today’s society. Even with the Catholic Church, singles account for nearly 1 out of every 2 Catholics in the U.S… Within the general population, singles now outnumber married people. Single people are no longer a rare group. Based on the Church’s teachings, this would indicate that God’s Will is not being accomplished in many people’s lives.

For those rare individuals who are called to remain single, I applaud you. I would never want to try to force marriage on someone who honestly discerned a calling in another direction. These individuals deserve the support and encouragement of the Church.

By the same token, the many singles who are called to the vocation of marriage also need the support of the Church community. There are many obstacles that get in the way of fulfilling ones vocation these days, especially to this particular vocation. Many people are either unwilling or unable to answer this call. When large enough numbers of people remain single for much or all of their lives, there are consequences for both the Church and society.

 

[Sarcelle]

You are quite right. Although the priesthood/religious life is the higher calling, it is a rare calling. The calling to remain in the single state is even rarer than that. The vast majority of people, Catholic or not, are called to the married state. The Church bases this teaching on Natural Law. In fact, marriage is sometimes referred to as the “default” vocation.

Contrasting sharply with the Church’s teaching in this area is the inordinate number of singles in today’s society. Even with the Catholic Church, singles account for nearly 1 out of every 2 Catholics in the U.S… Within the general population, singles now outnumber married people. Single people are no longer a rare group. Based on the Church’s teachings, this would indicate that God’s Will is not being accomplished in many people’s lives.

For those rare individuals who are called to remain single, I applaud you. I would never want to try to force marriage on someone who honestly discerned a calling in another direction. These individuals deserve the support and encouragement of the Church.

By the same token, the many singles who are called to the vocation of marriage also need the support of the Church community. There are many obstacles that get in the way of fulfilling ones vocation these days, especially to this particular vocation. Many people are either unwilling or unable to answer this call. When large enough numbers of people remain single for much or all of their lives, there are consequences for both the Church and society.

One of every two Catholics are single? I doubt it.

Most people get married. A lot of them also get divorced. If married people stayed married, there would be a lot less single people.

Married people who contracept and fail to pass on the faith to their children also have consequences for both Church and society, far more than singles.

 

[Xantippe]

One of every two Catholics are single? I doubt it.

Most people get married. A lot of them also get divorced. If married people stayed married, there would be a lot less single people.

Married people who contracept and fail to pass on the faith to their children also have consequences for both Church and society, far more than singles.

Plus married people DIE, leaving widows and widowers.

 

[opera]

One of every two Catholics are single? I doubt it.

Most people get married. A lot of them also get divorced. If married people stayed married, there would be a lot less single people.

Married people who contracept and fail to pass on the faith to their children also have consequences for both Church and society, far more than singles.

The numbers come from a Pew Center Research study in May of 2015. The study reports that 52% of Catholics in the US are married. Some quick arithmetic shows that the number of singles then would be 48%. The 2010 US census shows that single people now outnumber married people in the general population of the US.

I completely agree with you regarding contraception. I wish the Church had not been so silent on this topic for so long. Contraception, particularly the invention of the Pill, led to the sexual revolution. The sexual revolution in turn is why you have so many singles today. For those who want more information on the ill effects of this sin, Janet Smith and Anastasia Northrop have both spoken widely on this topic.

 

[opera]

The following article gives more information on how few people are marrying in the West.

catholicnewsagency.com/news/marriage-is-disappearing-in-italy-62150/?utm_source=hootsuite

 

[Sarcelle]

The numbers come from a Pew Center Research study in May of 2015. The study reports that 52% of Catholics in the US are married. Some quick arithmetic shows that the number of singles then would be 48%. The 2010 US census shows that single people now outnumber married people in the general population of the US.

I completely agree with you regarding contraception. I wish the Church had not been so silent on this topic for so long. Contraception, particularly the invention of the Pill, led to the sexual revolution. The sexual revolution in turn is why you have so many singles today. For those who want more information on the ill effects of this sin, Janet Smith and Anastasia Northrop have both spoken widely on this topic.

Some of these singles may be under aged, elderly widows and widowers, divorced and never married people. What is the breakdown of these groups in terms of percent of total singles?

 

[Rose71]

Interesting to hear the comments on extended families. I was a single, living away from the area where I grew up for many years and my confidence really took a knock, because living there, I was ‘the single one’, not ‘Rose’.

I went to Mass and nobody spoke to me! I loved my work and got on well with my colleagues adn our boss always made works do’s ‘colleagues only’ to avoid the singles feeling like goosberries, but my reputation was just ‘hard worker - married to job’ no matter what I did. When I went away anywhere interesting, I always got, “well, you couldn’t do that if you were married” line form someone and it felt as though I was being viewed through the ‘single professional woman stereotype’ goggles (free with the Daily Mail if you live in the UK:thumbsup

Once I moved back ‘home’ - and bought a house close to my parents and other extended family, I felt I was being seen as ‘Rose’ again by people who really knew the real me! I had cousins I could just call on and chat to, without feeling awkward, or like I had to somehow apologise for my single-ness, or justify it.

I think it’s no coincidence that my confidence came back and I found a husband and was married within 3 years of moving back to my roots!

 

[Sarcelle]

Interesting to hear the comments on extended families. I was a single, living away from the area where I grew up for many years and my confidence really took a knock, because living there, I was ‘the single one’, not ‘Rose’.

I went to Mass and nobody spoke to me! I loved my work and got on well with my colleagues adn our boss always made works do’s ‘colleagues only’ to avoid the singles feeling like goosberries, but my reputation was just ‘hard worker - married to job’ no matter what I did. When I went away anywhere interesting, I always got, “well, you couldn’t do that if you were married” line form someone and it felt as though I was being viewed through the ‘single professional woman stereotype’ goggles (free with the Daily Mail if you live in the UK:thumbsup

Once I moved back ‘home’ - and bought a house close to my parents and other extended family, I felt I was being seen as ‘Rose’ again by people who really knew the real me! I had cousins I could just call on and chat to, without feeling awkward, or like I had to somehow apologise for my single-ness, or justify it.

I think it’s no coincidence that my confidence came back and I found a husband and was married within 3 years of moving back to my roots!

I’m sorry you had to go through that. The stigma for being single is still alive and well but I have seen it more in Evangelical churches than in the Catholic Church.

 

[historygirl80]

The article OP shared addresses precisely the problems I had as a single Catholic woman in her 20s and 30s. In fact, when I moved to my current location several years ago, I was looking forward to joining a parish and making friends through it. Instead, after months of attending Mass, I found myself alone in a sea of married couples and their children. The only ‘single’ people there were sullen teens and divorced or widowed elderly persons. My attempts to reach out to couples my own age was often met with awkward responses when they discovered I hadn’t grown up in the area, and was single with no kids - there was just no frame of reference for a lifestyle unlike their own, which I found deeply sad.

And while the parish had a rich slate of social events and groups for families, not a one for the unmarried under 55. Even their volunteer-focused groups were dominated by married couples, so that when I joined the choir, gardening group, homeless outreach etc I was still isolated by virtue of my single-ness. In over a year with that parish, I never met a single man my own age, or made a friend.

I eventually had success on the dating scene outside of church, and am happily engaged to a wonderful man. He’s not Catholic, and we won’t be married in the Church. Which leads to my final observation: if the Church is so emphatic about Catholics marrying other Catholics and having kids to be raised in the faith, they can’t just sit on their hands or ignore and ostracize singles looking for a Catholic partner. They’re going to have to help things along, or those singles will look elsewhere. Those married couples with kids in the pews? They’re not going to miraculously appear there.

 

[XenaFan]

Some of these singles may be under aged, elderly widows and widowers, divorced and never married people. What is the breakdown of these groups in terms of percent of total singles?

I’ve seen the same study. It refereed to nearly half of all adults being unmarried.

I’m sorry you had to go through that. The stigma for being single is still alive and well but I have seen it more in Evangelical churches than in the Catholic Church.

I disagree with here. Coming from an area with tons of different protestant denominations and numerous protestant friends, it is quite clear that this is almost exclusively a Catholic problem.

 

[Sarcelle]

I’ve seen the same study. It refereed to nearly half of all adults being unmarried.

I disagree with here. Coming from an area with tons of different protestant denominations and numerous protestant friends, it is quite clear that this is almost exclusively a Catholic problem.

We can only speak from our experience. My experience is totally different from yours. Catholics in my experience were far more welcoming than Evangelicals.

It is possible that we may be both right.