O
OrganicMama
Guest
No advice…but I am praying for you and her!
- Status
2
23eagle23
Guest
T
the_phoenix
Guest
Praying! 
G
GraceDK
Guest
I hate affairs… can’t stand them in any shape or form.
BUT… she has not been sexual with the guy and she wants to bring him to church… ? Something in there makes me think she is not viewing this as more than a close friendship and she probably feels safe… although she is inches away from falling into bad temptation while being with this guy, she might not actually realise it.
Another thing… Is she right? Have you been neglecting her and been cold etc? She might be out to catch your attention with displaying this behaviour in front of you. People do sick stuff when they dont feel wanted or loved and especially women LONG to be loved and cherished. Are you the man that you should be in this relationship or are you acting like a castrated, passive bystander… (sorry the expression, but a woman needs a man) ?
My advice is that you talk-talk-talk with her. COMMUNICATE… This whole thing seems too passive to me. Are you sitting around waiting for this other guy to get into your wife’s pants or are you gonna do something about this before it gets to the point where she will do something she is going to regret for the rest of her life?
Talk to her! Tell her how you feel. Tell her she is your wife and you love her and even if you have been distant this is just NOT the way to deal with this… Tell her that you are all hers but that she has got to let this guy go or you will see it as adultery and as her giving up on the marriage and you will not tolerate sitting around looking at it.
Cant you see that she is hungry for CONTACT?
She is probably waiting for you to make a stand…
Dont let this game go any futher.
B
belteshazzar7
Guest
While she hasn’t been sexual she has been physical aka kissing, hugging, not for sure what else. Also, she has made it more than clear that it is more than a close friendship. She has already talked about plans to move somewhere else with this guy after I graduate from school.
Yes and no. We have had our problems in the pass. I have been a little neglecting to a point. Cold, never, part of the problem is that most of this time I had been working and going to school part time. Extremely busy schedule while she had been going to school where she could spend quite a bit of times with friends and such (including this guy). I admit that I am the cause of some of the tension in our marriage but not fully to blame. She has had more than her fair share of neglect ion and ignoring on her part to.
Regardless I am not going to play the blame game on who caused problems in our marriage as we are both at fault. However, she is responsible for how she acted up on those problems by running into the arms of another man. Part of me saw it coming. However, I trusted her in that situation with our friend since she said I could trust her. I trusted the entire time I was on duty in Iraq and she did not let me down so I thought I could trust her then to but I digress.
While I am passive to a certain extent it is mainly because I think about things before I act. I don’t fly off the handle in anger because that would not help the situation at all.
We have had quite a few long conversations where I have told her just those things. As a matter of fact, those were some of the first things I told her. However, she pretty much told me that she is not breaking it off with this other guy and I would have to work at it and she might come back to me. She is already heading down a very dangerous road and I told her this. She has already started developing some bad habits around this guy along with other actions that throw her character into question. She has cussed more since she has been in this relationship with him and has already stayed a couple of nights at his apartment. If she has already had sex with him (which she says she hasn’t) then it is only a hop skip jump away. She claims she loves both of us and doesn’t want to hurt both of us but he is making her happy right now and wants to spend as much time with him as possible.
I am already looking into counseling which she said she might be willing to do. However, I do not know how effective it might be since she is unwilling to break it off with this man. Meanwhile I am really at a lost for the most part. Prayer and self-examination is what I can see doing right now. Hopefully I will be able to meet with my priest on Monday.
Thanks again for your advice, prayers, and support.
Peace be with you.
J
Jesus_N_Cherie
Guest
I am going to go pray again…right now.
May Jesus bless and protect you, and lead you both in his ways. Going to go pray now.
Cherie
May Jesus bless and protect you, and lead you both in his ways. Going to go pray now.
Cherie
G
GraceDK
Guest
Wow… sounds really BAD.While she hasn’t been sexual she has been physical aka kissing, hugging, not for sure what else. Also, she has made it more than clear that it is more than a close friendship. She has already talked about plans to move somewhere else with this guy after I graduate from school.
Yes and no. We have had our problems in the pass. I have been a little neglecting to a point. Cold, never, part of the problem is that most of this time I had been working and going to school part time. Extremely busy schedule while she had been going to school where she could spend quite a bit of times with friends and such (including this guy). I admit that I am the cause of some of the tension in our marriage but not fully to blame. She has had more than her fair share of neglect ion and ignoring on her part to.
Regardless I am not going to play the blame game on who caused problems in our marriage as we are both at fault. However, she is responsible for how she acted up on those problems by running into the arms of another man. Part of me saw it coming. However, I trusted her in that situation with our friend since she said I could trust her. I trusted the entire time I was on duty in Iraq and she did not let me down so I thought I could trust her then to but I digress.
While I am passive to a certain extent it is mainly because I think about things before I act. I don’t fly off the handle in anger because that would not help the situation at all.
We have had quite a few long conversations where I have told her just those things. As a matter of fact, those were some of the first things I told her. However, she pretty much told me that she is not breaking it off with this other guy and I would have to work at it and she might come back to me. She is already heading down a very dangerous road and I told her this. She has already started developing some bad habits around this guy along with other actions that throw her character into question. She has cussed more since she has been in this relationship with him and has already stayed a couple of nights at his apartment. If she has already had sex with him (which she says she hasn’t) then it is only a hop skip jump away. She claims she loves both of us and doesn’t want to hurt both of us but he is making her happy right now and wants to spend as much time with him as possible.
I am already looking into counseling which she said she might be willing to do. However, I do not know how effective it might be since she is unwilling to break it off with this man. Meanwhile I am really at a lost for the most part. Prayer and self-examination is what I can see doing right now. Hopefully I will be able to meet with my priest on Monday.
Thanks again for your advice, prayers, and support.
Peace be with you.
What she needs is LIMITS. and you are the one to set them. Like, where were you when she was spending the night at this dude’s appartment? If my husband attempted something like that I would be at the door of that place saying either he come home or we are through. You cut this woman too much slack as far as I can see. She is dishonouring you so much and you just sit around doing nothing about it? I think you ought to explode in her face… that would serve her well. Tell her that she is inches away from being a fornicator and an adulterer and that she got two opptions… work on the marriage - and remind her of when you fell in love with each other etc - or she is out of the house because you wont accept this behaviour up in your face… . Remind her too that she is a Catholic and she can’t play around like a little teenager thinking it wont have eternal consequenses as well as the fact that she wont ever be free to marry another guy.
By the way… maybe you wanna tell her of the STDs that she might get if she’d go ahead with the relationship with this player…
Do something man!
And one other thing I would have done a long time ago. Go to that stinking feller and tell him calmly that “do you know that the woman you are fooling around with is my wife?”
Look… if there is any tiny bit of decency in this guy he will feel greatly embarrassed when standing face to face with a civilised individual whose marriage he is working on destroying. Go and remind him that this is your wife! Yours… not his… YOURS and that he is a looser.
You are the head of the house… Will you tolerate this silently or will you admonish your wife and say the necessary things that she and her player-friend needs to hear… ?
Man… these things tick me off… I wonder sometimes how some people here whose wifes and husbands mess around can be so calm… Its like … are you guys waiting for that final destruction to take place without intervening…
whats there to loose? I’d say… its time to act.
K
ks60
Guest
Wow… sounds really BAD.
What she needs is LIMITS. and you are the one to set them. Like, where were you when she was spending the night at this dude’s appartment? If my husband attempted something like that I would be at the door of that place saying either he come home or we are through. You cut this woman too much slack as far as I can see. She is dishonouring you so much and you just sit around doing nothing about it? I think you ought to explode in her face… that would serve her well. Tell her that she is inches away from being a fornicator and an adulterer and that she got two opptions… work on the marriage - and remind her of when you fell in love with each other etc - or she is out of the house because you wont accept this behaviour up in your face… . Remind her too that she is a Catholic and she can’t play around like a little teenager thinking it wont have eternal consequenses as well as the fact that she wont ever be free to marry another guy.
By the way… maybe you wanna tell her of the STDs that she might get if she’d go ahead with the relationship with this player…
Do something man!
In my experience, telling the cheater this doesn’t make a difference. The cheater has rationalized his or her behavior, and no one can tell him or her that they are doing wrong. I did the things you recommend, and my H is still with OW after 2 1/2 years.
And one other thing I would have done a long time ago. Go to that stinking feller and tell him calmly that “do you know that the woman you are fooling around with is my wife?”
Look… if there is any tiny bit of decency in this guy he will feel greatly embarrassed when standing face to face with a civilised individual whose marriage he is working on destroying. Go and remind him that this is your wife! Yours… not his… YOURS and that he is a looser.
This didn’t work, either.
You are the head of the house… Will you tolerate this silently or will you admonish your wife and say the necessary things that she and her player-friend needs to hear… ?
Man… these things tick me off… I wonder sometimes how some people here whose wifes and husbands mess around can be so calm… Its like … are you guys waiting for that final destruction to take place without intervening…
I found that being calm kept me from doing foolish things. What would I do differently? I would have made my H leave the house, and family. I would have filed for divorce. I might have even dumped his things on OW’s front porch, because she deserves him. But I don’t regret anything I’ve done during this time.
whats there to loose? I’d say… its time to act.
N
Norseman82
Guest
The voice of reason has spoken.
In addition to what Bamarider said, I would second what frfreddie said about taking steps to protect one’s self. In fact, if you can get a private investigator to gather evidence (like photos) to prove she is cheating on you, perhaps that can be used as leverage to help protect yourself or exert pressure on her to clean up her act if you are still hoping for reconciliation. I know that may shock some, but if we conduct “interventions” on people with addictions to alcohol or other substances, why do we not conduct “interventions” to prevent marriages from breaking down?
J
Jesus_N_Cherie
Guest
Wouldn’t such an intervention be better conducted by a priest, family members and friends rather than a private investigator or lawyer?
W
whatevergirl
Guest
I’m sorry this is happening for you. I agree with others–to make an appt to see a priest. Marriage isn’t only about passion, and having another shower us with compliments. But, at the same time, women like to hear words of love…while men are more visual. Which is why a lot of women who have affairs, tend to have emotional affairs for a while, before anything becomes sexual. For most women–sex is not why they have affairs. Also, affairs are not always about a marriage, oddly enough. If you have been ignoring her, etc…then, perhaps she is seeking ‘passion’ elsewhere. But, largely, affairs for both men and women–actually are due to the lacking of something else in their hearts, and lives. (and they are seeking it elsewhere but will never really find it) Which is why people who have affairs, and marry the person they had an affair with, typically end in divorce, because those relationships were built on deceit and lies, and the person who cheated is still left with the problem that caused them to cheat to begin with! (Just wanted to give you some insight into affairs–I have family members who have done this, and believe me–the reasons for straying had little to do with their spouses)
But, while I encourage you to not take it personal (which is hard to do I know) you might self reflect and see if there could be things you could be doing to show your wife you love her. I think seeing a priest is a great idea–there really is never an ‘excuse’ for affairs, but they happen so often in today’s culture. Now that you know, I pray that your wife abandons the idea of following this other guy…and chooses you and the marriage, first. Remember, sin is an insidious thing–it doesn’t just come upon a person over night–it takes time…and this might take time for you and her to repair the marriage. But, keep praying, and I will too!
Take each day at a time–don’t look at what will happen if she doesn’t stop seeing him…or thinking about him…just think about getting you and her into see a priest. Then, see her reaction after that. Then, go into counseling…take each day, and go with it. But remember in this to be true to yourself too. She needs to abandon this man–or all the counseling, and priest appts in the world–will not bring you both back together. Good luck and God bless!
But, while I encourage you to not take it personal (which is hard to do I know) you might self reflect and see if there could be things you could be doing to show your wife you love her. I think seeing a priest is a great idea–there really is never an ‘excuse’ for affairs, but they happen so often in today’s culture. Now that you know, I pray that your wife abandons the idea of following this other guy…and chooses you and the marriage, first. Remember, sin is an insidious thing–it doesn’t just come upon a person over night–it takes time…and this might take time for you and her to repair the marriage. But, keep praying, and I will too!
Take each day at a time–don’t look at what will happen if she doesn’t stop seeing him…or thinking about him…just think about getting you and her into see a priest. Then, see her reaction after that. Then, go into counseling…take each day, and go with it. But remember in this to be true to yourself too. She needs to abandon this man–or all the counseling, and priest appts in the world–will not bring you both back together. Good luck and God bless!
B
belteshazzar7
Guest
Unfortunatly she has pretty much resolved to continue seeing this guy rather than working on the marriage. I agree that there has been some neglect but it is not something that can’t be worked through especially at the fact that I am willing. I am more worried about her than anything. She doesn’t regret anything that she has done, and I believe she is blind to the fact that she is damaging her spiritual life and doesn’t see it at all or refuses to see it. I would rather her at least get a divorce and annullement first before she starts playing around if that is what she is going for but I highly doubt that will happen and it is sad to see her pretty much not care about her spiritual growth or of the man she is now with.
I am a firm believer that God can make good things happen out of bad situations and I believe this is no exception. I know I am going to have good days and bad days ahead with this, however, all I have right now is God and the church to lean upon and to continue to pray for her. I am going to see if I can get us into a counselor that our priest recommended this week. Hopefully she is willing to work her schedule around it.
I just pray she gets her life back on track before its too late.
I am a firm believer that God can make good things happen out of bad situations and I believe this is no exception. I know I am going to have good days and bad days ahead with this, however, all I have right now is God and the church to lean upon and to continue to pray for her. I am going to see if I can get us into a counselor that our priest recommended this week. Hopefully she is willing to work her schedule around it.
I just pray she gets her life back on track before its too late.
W
whatevergirl
Guest
I’ll keep you all in my prayers…God can move mountains, and I pray that He gives you strength to get through this, and also that somehow, someway, He brings your wife fully back to the marriage.
N
Norseman82
Guest
What would happen if you simply confronted your wife’s adultery partner and told him to his keep paws off your wife?
B
belteshazzar7
Guest
Wouldn’t make a difference. The problem is not him but her. She has the free will to choose. Not to mention he would not leave her a lone.
W
whatevergirl
Guest
I pray that your wife will also be enlightened to the fact that a man who would ‘hit on’ a married woman, isn’t a man worth being pursued by.
N
Norseman82
Guest
I saw in your profile you are National Guard. Is your wife’s adultery partner military as well? If so, that is a prosecutable offense under the UCMJ, from what I hear, so that might be one way to either scare him off, or at least put him in Leavenworth so they do not have occasion to commit any more adultery.
S
SarahR
Guest
Entrusting your intentions to the Sacred Heart.
Praying that you may focus on God, because focusing on a wayward spouse (and their “partner”) zaps your energy and can sink you into a loss, a depression.
Always “Jesus I trust in You”. Stay close to God, always reach out to him, or just sit at his feet and ask him to help you be still. Your wife’s journey is not the same as yours. Trust that God knows best how to deal with her.
He will give you every grace to get through this, and the pain is fruitful if placed in the right hands.
That’s the best advice I have from experience, focus on being open to God’s grace for you.
Praying that you may focus on God, because focusing on a wayward spouse (and their “partner”) zaps your energy and can sink you into a loss, a depression.
Always “Jesus I trust in You”. Stay close to God, always reach out to him, or just sit at his feet and ask him to help you be still. Your wife’s journey is not the same as yours. Trust that God knows best how to deal with her.
He will give you every grace to get through this, and the pain is fruitful if placed in the right hands.
That’s the best advice I have from experience, focus on being open to God’s grace for you.
B
belteshazzar7
Guest
No he is far from it and I am sure that you are correct in the UCMJ statute however, how well that statute is actually enforced is another matter, but that is neither here nor there. The sad thing is that he is far from being in church, any church, as far as that goes and I believe not a good role model at all, however I am far from faults as far as that goes, but he is a “nice” guy for the most part recent actions excluded. I grates me at times that she is trying to bring him into the catholic church. Not the fact that he will be coming in at all. I pray for him on that cause along with everything else for it will be wonderful if he comes into the church, but the fact that she is trying to bring him into the church in this state. The fact that she is continuing to not only choosing to sin herself but is bringing him along also inhibiting him from truly coming into communion with the church until 1. they break off their relationship. or 2. we get an annulment which even if things start today will probably be at least 2 to 3 years down the road. which means both would be living in their state of sin that entire time if they continue as they are right now. That is what is what gets on my nerves the most right now. I tried to bring this up to her, not asking her to get back together with me, but to at least to hold off her relationship with him till we get finished completely but that is not happening. Says she doesn’t feel any regrets about what is going on.
Sadly its not about her feeling regrets but about what is right and wrong. You won’t necessarily feel regret about what you have done but knowing that it is wrong and continuing to do so is something different all together. However, what ever happens happens. All I can do is trust God and search after Him. If she comes around to her senses then I’ll be here, but I can’t be here forever. Hopefully she figures out her mistake before its too late.
B
belteshazzar7
Guest
And what good advice it is. I have stopped trying to focus on her a while ago. All I have left is God and I’ll trust the events to Him. What comes of it comes of it. I know that He will bring good of this and I cannot worry about how it will turn out. I know that I will have bad days and good days to come. Hopefully, I will have the sense to lean on God on the bad days. Just keep me and my wife in your prayers is all I ask.
- Status