S
Shay79
Guest
My husband and I have been married for about two and a half years. (We’re in our mid-30s, first marriage for both, no kids so far.) He was baptized Catholic, but his parents never took him to church, so he hasn’t had much of a faith life. I’ve been a practicing Catholic my entire life. We were married in a Catholic church, and for the first part of our marriage he attended Mass with me every week.
He’s been introverted and averse to communication the entire time I’ve known him, and probably his whole life. We attended premarital classes as part of our marriage prep and learned communication techniques to use during conflicts. He pretty much ignores them. When something bothers him, he retreats to his computer and lets things simmer until everything bottles up and then he…I wouldn’t say “explodes”…but he releases his anger out of nowhere. I mean, to me it’s out of nowhere because I have no idea he’s upset about something. Sometimes he slams doors, bangs around the house, etc. He’s broken cabinet doors and light switches out of anger (though on accident). He’s never hit me, of course, and I know he never would (and if he did, I’d be outta there). But in my opinion he takes an immature approach to dealing with his frustrations.
I’ve initiated numerous talks in which I’ve tried to be calm in an attempt to communicate how I perceive his responses, and to find out from him what I could be doing better myself. Typically, I get responses like an exasperated sigh and an “I don’t want to talk about this again.” He seems continually irritated with me and shows little affection anymore. Our sex life has dwindled to the point where once a month would be a lot. (And we’ve been married only two years!) We don’t use birth control, and I think that freaks him out (i.e., worries about pregnancy), but even during my non-fertile times I have to twist his arm to get him to show any kind of physical intimacy.
This morning, I was getting ready to go to Mass (which he usually attends with me, occasionally taking a week off), and I asked him if he was coming. He said no, because “it’s boring.” I don’t know why, but that completely broke my heart, and I suddenly started bawling. I guess I’ve always had it in the back of my head that maybe someday he would want to go through RCIA and receive the rest of the sacraments. The fact that today he dismissed Mass so out of hand just crushed me. (And, yes, I’ll admit that perhaps for someone who didn’t grow up in the faith Mass can be “boring,” but I appreciated the fact that he at least attended for my sake. Maybe that’s partly why I was so upset at his refusal to go this morning–it was like my feelings no longer mattered.)
I don’t want to make it sound like we have a completely dysfunctional relationship, because in many ways we make a great pair. When he’s in a good mood, we have a lot of fun together. Those days have been fewer and farther between though, as he lost his mom to cancer last year, and his dad is currently in the early stages of Alzheimer’s (another issue I’ve brought up in the forum). I know he’s hurting and sad and frustrated, but I’m tired of being the metaphorical “punching bag” for his frustrations. He thinks he can afford to get mad at me because he knows I’m not going anywhere.
I don’t profess to be perfect, and I’m sure there are plenty of ways I can improve upon myself to strengthen our marriage. But to be honest, I’m exhausted and sometimes I don’t particularly feel like working on things when it seems as though he’s not willing to do anything on his end. I’m tired of crying, I’m tired of walking on eggshells when he’s in one of his “moods.” (And like I said before, I have no fear of physical or mental abuse; it’s just not a comfortable situation to be living with someone who seems to be simmering with irritation 95 percent of the time.) I’ve suggested counseling for either us or him. He rejected the latter and halfheartedly agreed to the former; I’m hoping once we find a good therapist we’ll get some clarity–that is, if he’s actually willing to speak up to anyone about what’s going on inside his head.
So…after all this, I guess what I’m asking is for advice, perspectives, prayers, all of the above. My husband truly is a good man, but he’s suffering in some way, and until/unless he deals with his “demons,” so to speak, I don’t see things getting better.
He’s been introverted and averse to communication the entire time I’ve known him, and probably his whole life. We attended premarital classes as part of our marriage prep and learned communication techniques to use during conflicts. He pretty much ignores them. When something bothers him, he retreats to his computer and lets things simmer until everything bottles up and then he…I wouldn’t say “explodes”…but he releases his anger out of nowhere. I mean, to me it’s out of nowhere because I have no idea he’s upset about something. Sometimes he slams doors, bangs around the house, etc. He’s broken cabinet doors and light switches out of anger (though on accident). He’s never hit me, of course, and I know he never would (and if he did, I’d be outta there). But in my opinion he takes an immature approach to dealing with his frustrations.
I’ve initiated numerous talks in which I’ve tried to be calm in an attempt to communicate how I perceive his responses, and to find out from him what I could be doing better myself. Typically, I get responses like an exasperated sigh and an “I don’t want to talk about this again.” He seems continually irritated with me and shows little affection anymore. Our sex life has dwindled to the point where once a month would be a lot. (And we’ve been married only two years!) We don’t use birth control, and I think that freaks him out (i.e., worries about pregnancy), but even during my non-fertile times I have to twist his arm to get him to show any kind of physical intimacy.
This morning, I was getting ready to go to Mass (which he usually attends with me, occasionally taking a week off), and I asked him if he was coming. He said no, because “it’s boring.” I don’t know why, but that completely broke my heart, and I suddenly started bawling. I guess I’ve always had it in the back of my head that maybe someday he would want to go through RCIA and receive the rest of the sacraments. The fact that today he dismissed Mass so out of hand just crushed me. (And, yes, I’ll admit that perhaps for someone who didn’t grow up in the faith Mass can be “boring,” but I appreciated the fact that he at least attended for my sake. Maybe that’s partly why I was so upset at his refusal to go this morning–it was like my feelings no longer mattered.)
I don’t want to make it sound like we have a completely dysfunctional relationship, because in many ways we make a great pair. When he’s in a good mood, we have a lot of fun together. Those days have been fewer and farther between though, as he lost his mom to cancer last year, and his dad is currently in the early stages of Alzheimer’s (another issue I’ve brought up in the forum). I know he’s hurting and sad and frustrated, but I’m tired of being the metaphorical “punching bag” for his frustrations. He thinks he can afford to get mad at me because he knows I’m not going anywhere.
I don’t profess to be perfect, and I’m sure there are plenty of ways I can improve upon myself to strengthen our marriage. But to be honest, I’m exhausted and sometimes I don’t particularly feel like working on things when it seems as though he’s not willing to do anything on his end. I’m tired of crying, I’m tired of walking on eggshells when he’s in one of his “moods.” (And like I said before, I have no fear of physical or mental abuse; it’s just not a comfortable situation to be living with someone who seems to be simmering with irritation 95 percent of the time.) I’ve suggested counseling for either us or him. He rejected the latter and halfheartedly agreed to the former; I’m hoping once we find a good therapist we’ll get some clarity–that is, if he’s actually willing to speak up to anyone about what’s going on inside his head.
So…after all this, I guess what I’m asking is for advice, perspectives, prayers, all of the above. My husband truly is a good man, but he’s suffering in some way, and until/unless he deals with his “demons,” so to speak, I don’t see things getting better.
