At my wits end with a lying husband

[SavedByHim]

Help! I’ve discovered that DH has been lying to me again about his tobacco use. Let me preface all this with saying that I understand that this isn’t the most horrible lie in the world. I get that. He could be lying about so many worse things… but he’s still LYING. And if he is lying about this, what more COULD he be lying about??

This is the 4th time that I’ve “caught him” lying… he always tells me he has quit smoking or chewing, but then he starts back up again. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t tell me the truth!! I understand how hard a nicotine habit can be to break and I’d like to be able to help him beat this, but he’s not letting me be there for him.

He said it’s because he doesn’t want to disappoint me, that he “failed” in his attempt to quit, but it is WAY more disappointing to know that he is lying to me. I’m just frustrated, sad, hurt and angry that he has lied again… after all the other times and after all the discussions we’ve had about the lying. But he just keeps doing it. I’ve gotten angry, I’ve cried, I’ve tried to be “understanding”, but none of MY reactions are changing HIS decision to lie.

Is there anything I can do or do I just need to put up with a lying husband?

 

[Middleman]

I think you ought to totally back off on the subject, not mentioning it again.

 

[SavedByHim]

I see what you are saying, and I just want to clarify so I am not misrepresenting the situation.

I don’t constantly ask him about it… I don’t “bug him” about smoking or chewing. He quits on his own accord, tells me he has done so, and I say “Great!” I only ask if he’s doing it when I “suspect” that he’s doing it again… then of course he says no, but I then find out otherwise.

So you think I should just not ask any more? But then, isn’t he lying by not telling me?
Or are you saying that I should just not let the subject as a whole be an issue. Just let him do what he’s going to do and that’s that?

 

[pia]

I think you ought to totally back off on the subject, not mentioning it again.

I agree with middleman, you know maybe he is just not ready to give up, i can understand this, being an exsmoker myself i gave up when my eldest girl was 6weeks old. I wanted to be around for her and our other future children (have 4 now) i have been off them for almost 20years. so yes give him some breathing space and you never know maybe he will give up but he must do it of his own accord no pressure. God bless

 

[whatevergirl]

*Hi Saved–

I used to struggle with this very thing with my own husband. I don’t know if I looked at it as outright lying to me, but it took him a LONG time to kick the smoking habit. My dad died of lung cancer, I am very very sensitive to the whole smoking thing. I get it, it’s a hard habit to break…but what got through to my husband, was my daughter, actually. She said, daddy, I want you at my wedding, give up smoking today! He didn’t right away, but she, and my “nagging” dare I say, got through. Hey, you’re wanting him to stop for his own good…lol It is such a gross and horrible habit, I really loathe it. But, he has to stop on his own. It’s just one of those things.

Is he a heavy smoker? Social? My dh was social only, but still. It bugged me, and I am surprised that I married a smoker, having my family history, but love is blind. *

 

[Middleman]

Yes, I think you shouldn’t ask him how he’s doing when you suspect he’s backslidden. Leave him to his own journey on quitting. Obviously he starts out with good intentions and then slips up. He might need to do that for a while and it will be easier if you don’t monitor the situation too closely.

 

[whatevergirl]

I see what you are saying, and I just want to clarify so I am not misrepresenting the situation.

I don’t constantly ask him about it… I don’t “bug him” about smoking or chewing. He quits on his own accord, tells me he has done so, and I say “Great!” I only ask if he’s doing it when I “suspect” that he’s doing it again… then of course he says no, but I then find out otherwise.

So you think I should just not ask any more? But then, isn’t he lying by not telling me?
Or are you saying that I should just not let the subject as a whole be an issue. Just let him do what he’s going to do and that’s that?

Oh chewing too? Hmmm…that’s awful too! I have a nephew who used to chew…bleck!!

I remember telling my husband…‘I’m not your mother…if you want to slowly kill yourself by smoking, go ahead. I’m done.’ Yes, not very nice. But, I had my moments with it. He would respond…‘we are all going to die from something.’ No kidding. But, I saw the pain my dad was in from lung cancer…it is a slow, painful horrible death…and it can cause stroke, and heart disease.

But…eventually, my husband gave it up. My dd was relentless. I totally stopped nagging for a while, and she took over. lol But, the person has to want to quit on their own. I think he didn’t want to be a bad example for the kids either…hey kids, don’t smoke…LIKE ME. lol That’s not a very good example, is it?

I would pray for your husband…and I would buy him the patch…is he open to that? *

 

[Musician]

I finally quit smoking last year at the age of 43. My DH NEVER nagged at me about smoking, although I knew he hated it. I am so thankful that he left me alone…I had to want to quit on my own.
I would not focus on the lying part; I’d tell my husband that I loved him whether he smokes or not, and leave him free to make up his own mind.

 

[sarahraegraham]

My husband has struggled with tobacco use for a long time. He has difficulty staying “sober” sotospeak. I agree with some of the other posters that nagging is not going to make it any better, and even if the two of you have discussed it many times, he still has to be ready within himself to quit.

(Please don’t flame me for what follows… it’s just my personal experience!)

The thing that worked for us, was the use of pure logic and the strength of our faith. Harming yourself is a sin. If it could lead to your death, it’s a mortal sin. Therefore, chewing tobacco and/or smoking cigarettes becomes a mortal sin. Since we are both very loyal to our faith, this worked for us, because once my husband and I discussed that, it hit him. We go to daily mass, and if he were to chew (which was his issue), he would not be able to receive the Eucharist, and then he would also have to tell me why or lie about it, thereby compounding his sin! So, now we just pray often that the temptations will stay away and that he will be able to resist them when they come, and he is doing very well. He slips up occassionally, but then after a week or so, he is able to quit again. The last episode I think was 6 months ago.

I don’t think anyone who ever has any kind of addiction ever triumphs over it. It will always be there, something that the devil can use to bring you down and hurt your family. But, through pray, it’s possible to do what otherwise could not be done.

 

[HickmanJosh]

Help! I’ve discovered that DH has been lying to me again about his tobacco use. Let me preface all this with saying that I understand that this isn’t the most horrible lie in the world. I get that. He could be lying about so many worse things… but he’s still LYING. And if he is lying about this, what more COULD he be lying about??

This is the 4th time that I’ve “caught him” lying… he always tells me he has quit smoking or chewing, but then he starts back up again. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t tell me the truth!! I understand how hard a nicotine habit can be to break and I’d like to be able to help him beat this, but he’s not letting me be there for him.

He said it’s because he doesn’t want to disappoint me, that he “failed” in his attempt to quit, but it is WAY more disappointing to know that he is lying to me. I’m just frustrated, sad, hurt and angry that he has lied again… after all the other times and after all the discussions we’ve had about the lying. But he just keeps doing it. I’ve gotten angry, I’ve cried, I’ve tried to be “understanding”, but none of MY reactions are changing HIS decision to lie.

Is there anything I can do or do I just need to put up with a lying husband?

Have you ever told your husband how much his lying hurts you?

 

[Convert66]

This is just a guess, so take it for what it’s worth. It sounds as if he does try to quit with the best of intentions, but when he is unable to resist he lies out of a sense of shame or failure. Chances are he is too focused on his own will power and feels weak because he just can’t kick the habit. Lying to cover up your weakness is the wrong way to go. He should be harder on his heart and easier on his will.

The surest way to fall back into a sin or, in the least, a harmful habit is to hide it in the darkness, which he is doing by lying. Try appealing to his weakness. That is, forgive the lying but explain that you want to help him quit but can only do so by knowing when he is wrestling with his old habits. No need to hide it, you can say (and this is where you must do extra duty to ensure you are not appealing to his shame—no rolling of eyes; no heavy sighs, etc.), and in fact you want to be a source of help and strength for him, When he’s craving a smoke, offer him a stick of gum and distract him with some yard work you can do together, or take a drive or a walk. The main thing is to not let it divide you in any way so you may have to “be the bigger man”, so to speak, and take the first few steps in order to disarm any perceived “need” he feels to lie about slipping. The enemy loves to build resentments over seemingly smaller matters like these. Light and Grace are the best weapons you can deploy.

All my best . . .

 

[kage_ar]

Let it go.

Smoking is not a sin.

He is an adult, smoking is legal, as long as he is not taking food out of your kid’s mouths and does it outside - let it go.

 

[Nordar]

Let it go.

Smoking is not a sin.

He is an adult, smoking is legal, as long as he is not taking food out of your kid’s mouths and does it outside - let it go.

Agree, it is his problem leave him alone to finally quit on his own, stop agonizing on whether he is lying to you or not. If you stop asking him when he is trying to quit then he won’t lie to you, leave it be!

 

[sarahraegraham]

For the purpose of clarifying this issue:

Christians are called to do what is reasonably necessary to protect their health (cf. CCC 2288). If using a particular product has been proven to be a danger to health and a person disregards known health warnings and uses it anyway with sufficient knowledge and consent, it may be sinful for him to do so.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=24386&highlight=smoking+sin

It is an error to say that smoking/using tobacco is not a sin. It is proper and correct to say that it *may *be a sin.

My own personal opinion is that there is enough documented evidence to persuade a person that it presents a danger to their health, not to mention the effects it would have on their family because of it, for example, children taking up the habit, the user’s illness, medical bill, possible death. None good things. It’s never a good thing to be addicted to anything. Again, that’s my opinion.

 

[SavedByHim]

I still don’t feel that people are correctly understanding the situation… save a few, like Convert66.

It’s NOT the fact that he’s smoking or chewing! While I prefer that he do neither, he is a grown man as some of you have said and he can do whatever he wishes. I’m not his mother nor do I want to be. Plus, I AM an ex-smoker, so I do know a thing or two about how hard it can be to quit and STAY quit.

My biggest concern is his unwillingness to TRUST in me and use me as a support system to HELP him when he has the urge.

Convert, you had excellent advice, and yes, I have talked to him at length about this… 4 times now.

Again, I’m not nagging him to quit!!! He quits all on his own because he really wants to do it for his children. But when he falls down, I just want him to TRUST in me and my love… I’m hurt that he doesn’t I guess.

 

[SavedByHim]

Let it go.

Smoking is not a sin.

He is an adult, smoking is legal, as long as he is not taking food out of your kid’s mouths and does it outside - let it go.

And the money issue is the least of my worries, but I wanted to point out that he basically IS taking “food out of my children’s mouths”… it’s a very expensive habit and one that we seriously can’t afford without making cuts elsewhere. (i.e. kids clothes, family fun-stuff, and sometimes, yes, even groceries.)

 

[aicirt]

Help! I’ve discovered that DH has been lying to me again about his tobacco use. Let me preface all this with saying that I understand that this isn’t the most horrible lie in the world. I get that. He could be lying about so many worse things… but he’s still LYING. And if he is lying about this, what more COULD he be lying about??

This is the 4th time that I’ve “caught him” lying… he always tells me he has quit smoking or chewing, but then he starts back up again. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t tell me the truth!! I understand how hard a nicotine habit can be to break and I’d like to be able to help him beat this, but he’s not letting me be there for him.

He said it’s because he doesn’t want to disappoint me, that he “failed” in his attempt to quit, but it is WAY more disappointing to know that he is lying to me. I’m just frustrated, sad, hurt and angry that he has lied again… after all the other times and after all the discussions we’ve had about the lying. But he just keeps doing it. I’ve gotten angry, I’ve cried, I’ve tried to be “understanding”, but none of MY reactions are changing HIS decision to lie.

Is there anything I can do or do I just need to put up with a lying husband?

My husband stopped smoking for 15 years and went back to it. Acupuncture worked for him. Isn’t working now. I also smoked.

I think your husband feels he has failed when he slips and knowing you know and seeing you upset intensifies the feeling of being weak.

It’s been said giving up nicotine is harder than giving up heroine. I wouldn’t know. It is just something I read where an addict, comparing his two addictions, said nicotine was harder to give up.

Leave him alone. Pray for strength. I would encourage having him leave for his area or the deck when he wants to smoke. Keeps the family free of second hand smoke, and makes it a little difficult for him.

 

[Rascalking]

As a former smoker, I know what he’s going through.

It’s because cigarettes are legal, that people view them as a “lesser addiction”. No one goes to re-hab for cigarettes.

But their just as lethal, and more addicting.

Please, please, please remember that it is the addiction that is lying to you, not him outright lying to you.

Please give him some support!

Tim

 

[whatevergirl]

And the money issue is the least of my worries, but I wanted to point out that he basically IS taking “food out of my children’s mouths”… it’s a very expensive habit and one that we seriously can’t afford without making cuts elsewhere. (i.e. kids clothes, family fun-stuff, and sometimes, yes, even groceries.)

What?

 

[kage_ar]

And the money issue is the least of my worries, but I wanted to point out that he basically IS taking “food out of my children’s mouths”… it’s a very expensive habit and one that we seriously can’t afford without making cuts elsewhere. (i.e. kids clothes, family fun-stuff, and sometimes, yes, even groceries.)

Is there room in the budget for you to each have a small weekly cash allowence - pocket money. $5 each per week, you can spend it on a magazine or a starbucks or a pack of smokes - but, that is it. $5 per week.