At my wits end with confession!

[Saint_Michael]

I am a cradle Catholic but was poorly catechized, reconciliation was something I did once in a group prior to I think confirmation. It was never stressed or even explained to me in my classes. I also spent about a decade out of the Church. Therefore I can say I probably had my first good confession about one year ago (I’m now 29).

Now my problem is I am constantly reliving my sins of the past two decades, and it is endless as you can imagine that a bad Catholic worldly teenager and 20 something may be. Everytime I confess almost immediately out of the confessional I remember more stuff. I am confessing things from when I was 12, and I doubt that it will ever end. It just seems like an impossible task. I know that when I’m absolved I’m absolved of all sins, even ones by no fault of my own are forgotten. But the problem I’m having is to mention it in my next confession. I feel like I’m going to be 60 or on my death bed confessing to drinking when I was 16 and sneaking into the bushes with a young lady, or smashing mailboxes or something.

This has been going on for one year now, and there doesn’t appear to be any end in site. Has anyone been through this, or can relate?

 

[Franciscan]

I think what you’re explaining is a sreasonable thing. Alot of people forget all the stuff they’ve done.

Remedy:

1. Make a good examination of conscience spend about an hour going through The Ten Commandments-You can find good guides to an Examination of Conscience online.
2. Let the priest know that you are making a general confession.
3. Confess all sins that you recalled during your examination of conscience.
4. Add the statement at the end…“I am also truly sorry for all the sins through out my whole life that I failed to remember.”
5. Let yourself have the certitude that God has absolved you and you are on a clean slate so to speak.
6. Then try to get to confession on a regular basis. If it is a big one get there ASAP.

 

[TheGarg]

I am a cradle Catholic but was poorly catechized, reconciliation was something I did once in a group prior to I think confirmation. It was never stressed or even explained to me in my classes. I also spent about a decade out of the Church. Therefore I can say I probably had my first good confession about one year ago (I’m now 29).

Now my problem is I am constantly reliving my sins of the past two decades, and it is endless as you can imagine that a bad Catholic worldly teenager and 20 something may be. Everytime I confess almost immediately out of the confessional I remember more stuff. I am confessing things from when I was 12, and I doubt that it will ever end. It just seems like an impossible task. I know that when I’m absolved I’m absolved of all sins, even ones by no fault of my own are forgotten. But the problem I’m having is to mention it in my next confession. I feel like I’m going to be 60 or on my death bed confessing to drinking when I was 16 and sneaking into the bushes with a young lady, or smashing mailboxes or something.

This has been going on for one year now, and there doesn’t appear to be any end in site. Has anyone been through this, or can relate?

Reconciliation is second only to the Eucharist for me. i love it…it is part of the piety that is needed to break those old habits. i go once a week…keeps me aware of what i need to work on

 

[hilde_the_dog]

make a list of sins for confession and add number four from frasiscan… and then let it be in Christ’s hands. You can always tell a priests of an old sin if it ways on you, but it has been already forgiven if you intend to mend your way and are truely sorry. Don’t continue to beat yourself up, trust God’s mercy and love.

 

[Anne1964]

I can relate. I went to confession two months ago for the first time in close to 30 years. Needless to say, I did not remember every sin. I don’t think anyone could remember everything they have done in that period of time. The priest told me to hit the highlights and leave it at that.

After my general confession I remembered one really big sin that I forget to confess, so the next time I went to confession I brought it up. I also added a statement at the end about being sorry for any sins I had forgotten.

Since then I have felt much better.

 

[Saint_Michael]

Thanks for the replies, I have done pretty much everything listed, I’ve done a very long examination of conscience but to be honest for 20 years you will never be able to examine your conscience long enough to get everything.

I’ve confessed and asked for forgiveness of sins I may have forgotten, but still they pop up. Typically it’s like right after I confess, then I’m like great. I find myself every two weeks just reporting on everything I’ve done over 20 years, and after a year it’s tiring.

So at this point I feel typically worse after confession, like no matter how hard I work I can never truly be forgiven because I will remember this stuff and constantly have to bring it up next confession. Some of the stuff is reqally hard to say, and it’s hard to go through very deep confessions all the time because you constantly remember embarassing stuff you did in college or something. It’s pretty much an endless cycle of confessing and remembering past sins, and it seems pretty hopeless. I mean I know I will never say all of them, I will always be remembering these embarassing sins. I don’t know, maybe I’m scrupulous, at this point I don’t know what else it can be, because confession brings no peace to me at all, just makes me feel worse.

Thanks for the replies.

 

[chris_molter]

I’m in a similar situation, having been received into the Church from Anglicanism in my mid 20s. I had a pretty wild time in my college years and my first confession was… well… long and pretty vile for the good Father to hear. I knew I hadn’t recalled everything, although I was truly repentant for those things that I couldn’t recall.

the important thing to remember is that you ARE forgiven for the things you forget to confess or cannot remember as long as you aren’t willfully holding something back and if you DO recall a mortal sin later, remember to confess it at your next confession (even though you were forgiven for that forgotten sin).

It may also help to do some research into what differentiates mortal and venial sins. A lot of the things I thought I did that were mortal sins were venial because the conditions for a mortal sin weren’t met! (I’d still confess them, though, just because I want to make that act of contrition.)

Don’t tear yourself up over regretting and repenting of your sins. It’s when you start rationalizing sin that you get into trouble!!

 

[JimR-OCDS]

I am a cradle Catholic but was poorly catechized, reconciliation was something I did once in a group prior to I think confirmation. It was never stressed or even explained to me in my classes. I also spent about a decade out of the Church. Therefore I can say I probably had my first good confession about one year ago (I’m now 29).

Now my problem is I am constantly reliving my sins of the past two decades, and it is endless as you can imagine that a bad Catholic worldly teenager and 20 something may be. Everytime I confess almost immediately out of the confessional I remember more stuff. I am confessing things from when I was 12, and I doubt that it will ever end. It just seems like an impossible task. I know that when I’m absolved I’m absolved of all sins, even ones by no fault of my own are forgotten. But the problem I’m having is to mention it in my next confession. I feel like I’m going to be 60 or on my death bed confessing to drinking when I was 16 and sneaking into the bushes with a young lady, or smashing mailboxes or something.

This has been going on for one year now, and there doesn’t appear to be any end in site. Has anyone been through this, or can relate?

After confession, do you have a sense that your sins are forgiven? If not, it may be that you don’t understand the mercy of God.

When you leave the confessional, all of your sins are forgiven. God isn’t up in heaven with a book checking off which one’s you confessed and which one’s you failed to confess. God understands our poverty and limitations. When you ask God to forgive all of your sins, He does. Learn to be compassionate with yourself as God is with you. If you don’t know God’s love and mercy, it will be difficult for you to love and be merciful towards others.

Jim

 

[Marauder]

So at this point I feel typically worse after confession, like no matter how hard I work I can never truly be forgiven because I will remember this stuff and constantly have to bring it up next confession.

Be very careful, you are starting to border on scrupulosity. Remember God forgives everything. If you go to confession and confess every sin you can remember then you are forgiven. If you remember a different mortal sin then next time confess it, but don’t worry about it, don’t even rush back to confession right away. When I say a different mortal sin I mean, say one of your sins was masturbation. If you confessed that you have masturbated x number of times in your past, don’t worry that the real number is y. If you truely believed the number was x at the time, then it is fine.

If you remember that you lied to so and so in the past and you forgot about it, don’t worry. If however you went to confession and forgot about say a murder you committed when you were younger, then you might just want to confess it.

You can’t be expected to remember everything that has ever happened to you. Like someone earlier said, God isn’t up there with a checklist making sure you confessed everything.

 

[itsjustdave1988]

…So at this point I feel typically worse after confession, like no matter how hard I work I can never truly be forgiven…

Forgiveness is independent of how hard you work. Instead, it has everything to do with how God is working in you. You were already forgiven of the sins you come to remember after confession.

It may very well be God’s desire that you continue to remember your past sins, in bits and pieces. Think of your “remembering” in this manner as God’s way of giving you the gift of sorrow in small doses so as not to overwhelm you with such sorrow that you fall into despair.

Also, remembering our past sinfulness is catechetical, and helps us to not repeat such errors in the present. God is teaching you and bringing to your attention these sins, so that you may become more devout, more detached from affection to these and even venial sins. Perhaps if you understood it in this light, you would understand that it is not a sign of hopelessness, but is indeed a means of continuing the gift of contrition which God himself is giving to you.

The Lord does not give contrition to those whose hearts are hardened. When you are made aware of past sins and are made sorrowful for them, thank the Lord for such a gift, because instead of hopelessness, it is a gift of hope.

PS. I had 25 years between confessions, so I understand what you are going through. I bless the Lord for the remembrance of my past sins as they help me to understand where I’ve been and where I am. Such memories are a holy grace which continues to draw me closer to God and away from my past wickedness, and to pray that, with God’s help, I may sin no more.

 

[LilyM]

I’m starting to agree with the poster who mentioned scrupulosity. Saint Michael, my understanding is that you are in no way obligated to confess sins that you’ve forgotten from a previous confession. Especially the venial ones.

You can choose to do so, and it may be advisable if they’re sins you still struggle with or that weigh heavily on you (although those tend to be the ones people remember anyway).

But TRUST IN GOD, if not in yourself! He knows your memory is far from perfect, but that your contrition even for the unremembered sins is very real. And I’m positive he doesn’t want you to spend the next ten years in the confessional every day confessing already-forgiven sins from the last 25!

 

[rr1213]

I’ve not been to the Sacrament of Reconciliation and you and I come from different faith perspectives, but let me offer you this. There is no need to continue to dredge up old sins or to beat yourself up over the past. There is no condemnation for you and nothing will separate you from the love of God. Romans 8 (NIV) says this beautifully:

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death…… And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. …If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: ‘For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.’ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

 

[mercygate]

I am a cradle Catholic but was poorly catechized, reconciliation was something I did once in a group prior to I think confirmation. It was never stressed or even explained to me in my classes. I also spent about a decade out of the Church. Therefore I can say I probably had my first good confession about one year ago (I’m now 29).

Now my problem is I am constantly reliving my sins of the past two decades, and it is endless as you can imagine that a bad Catholic worldly teenager and 20 something may be. Everytime I confess almost immediately out of the confessional I remember more stuff. I am confessing things from when I was 12, and I doubt that it will ever end. It just seems like an impossible task. I know that when I’m absolved I’m absolved of all sins, even ones by no fault of my own are forgotten. But the problem I’m having is to mention it in my next confession. I feel like I’m going to be 60 or on my death bed confessing to drinking when I was 16 and sneaking into the bushes with a young lady, or smashing mailboxes or something.

This has been going on for one year now, and there doesn’t appear to be any end in site. Has anyone been through this, or can relate?

Others have suggested a wee case of scrupulosity and perhaps they are right.

I find that instead of saying, “For all of these sins, and for those I cannot now remember, I am truly sorry.” I say: For all of these sins, and for those I cannot now remember – particularly the ones I do not wish to remember, I am truly sorry."

I would add along with itsjustdave1988 that the grace of remembering your sins as a very, very great spiritual gift: one to give thanks for. But if you are not at peace with this particularly difficult grace, you need to consult with your priest to see if scrupulosity (one of the devil’s favorite temptations) might not be getting the better of you.

Godspeed, young man.

 

[Pug]

Therefore I can say I probably had my first good confession about one year ago (I’m now 29)

It ended for me. It took a long time, though. More than a year. I finally spent weeks constructing a huge list of my old sins. Then, I had to find a priest who would listen to a general confession (third time was the charm). Henceforth, I assume it was on the list. If it floats into my head, I say to my self, “Do I KNOW it wasn’t on the list?” The answer is almost always NO, so then I don’t confess it again. I think after that I came up with about two sins that I knew weren’t on the list, but I have been peaceful about it for years.

Anyway, the list was long enough ago and extensively long in length so that it has eventually become impossible for me to answer in the affirmative that I KNOW it wasn’t on the list. So then I was free.

Also, do not confess venial sins from the past that you forgot. It is only mortal sins that the Church requests that you confess if you finally remember.

You are in a state of grace now. You are not in a state of mortal sin. You made a good confession, so those forgotten sins are dealt with for the guilt. They are not going to magically become unforgiven because of the frailty of human memory.

 

[jasm]

Forgiveness is independent of how hard you work. Instead, it has everything to do with how God is working in you. You were already forgiven of the sins you come to remember after confession.

It may very well be God’s desire that you continue to remember your past sins, in bits and pieces. Think of your “remembering” in this manner as God’s way of giving you the gift of sorrow in small doses so as not to overwhelm you with such sorrow that you fall into despair.

Also, remembering our past sinfulness is catechetical, and helps us to not repeat such errors in the present. God is teaching you and bringing to your attention these sins, so that you may become more devout, more detached from affection to these and even venial sins. Perhaps if you understood it in this light, you would understand that it is not a sign of hopelessness, but is indeed a means of continuing the gift of contrition which God himself is giving to you.

The Lord does not give contrition to those whose hearts are hardened. When you are made aware of past sins and are made sorrowful for them, thank the Lord for such a gift, because instead of hopelessness, it is a gift of hope.

PS. I had 25 years between confessions, so I understand what you are going through. I bless the Lord for the remembrance of my past sins as they help me to understand where I’ve been and where I am. Such memories are a holy grace which continues to draw me closer to God and away from my past wickedness, and to pray that, with God’s help, I may sin no more.

What wonderful advise! I found comfort and wisdom in it!

 

[rwoehmke]

I am quite surprised that your confessor hasn’t said something to you about this. It is good to pick a good confessor and go to him regularly. He may not know your name, but he can recognize problems after a few times. You need to discuss your problem with him and then trust in the Lord’s mercy and follow his advice.

 

[Saint_Michael]

Would it be o.k. if during actual confession after listing my sins from my last confession I broach the subject with my Priest? Or is confession really not the place for it, if not I wouldn’t know what to do really. I am not the type who would talk face to face or take up any more of the priests time in private.

 

[Marauder]

Would it be o.k. if during actual confession after listing my sins from my last confession I broach the subject with my Priest? Or is confession really not the place for it, if not I wouldn’t know what to do really. I am not the type who would talk face to face or take up any more of the priests time in private.

Feel free to ask him, the worse that can happen is that he can say “Not right now, call to make an appointment.”

If you are just looking for a regular confessor just find out when he will be there. But in order for a regular confessor to really work you sort of need to do face-to-face or at least introduce yourself before the confession, otherwise it may be tough for him to help.

If you are looking for a spiritual adviser, they can be harder to find. Both because finding the right one isn’t always easy, and sometimes when you find they right one they can’t for various reasons (i.e. not in the priesthood long enough, they have to many already, etc.)

 

[Saint_Michael]

If you are looking for a spiritual adviser, they can be harder to find. Both because finding the right one isn’t always easy, and sometimes when you find they right one they can’t for various reasons (i.e. not in the priesthood long enough, they have to many already, etc.)

I tried spiritual direction already, it was with an Opus Dei priest, he met with me for about 20 minutes, probably 18 of which he asked about my financial situation, then two minutes of go to daily Mass weekly and read the catechism, then he never called me back.

I could never confess to someone who knows me, I make a point to be 100% anonymous that’s why I never confess at my home Parish.

 

[Al_Masetti]

Sometimes you can find a priest at the parish near where you work, which I have done on and off for decades. For a number of years, I went to confession at a parish in another town and when I expressed uncertainty about some issues, the pastor there volunteered to act as spiritual director. Which worked extremely well. He had a good understanding of what issues I was dealing with.

Sometimes, after very early daily Mass the priest might be available for a few minutes in the sacristy. In 40 years of adult Catholic practice, I have never had a priest deny me confession or to deny a conversation aimed at spiritual direction. Even at strange times.

I might start off by apologizing for taking his time, and asking him if he has time (in case he’s racing off to someone who is on their deathbed or has a meeting with the bishop, or something) … and giving him a brief “heads up” that there is nothing earthshattering coming. And I would avoid approaching him two minutes before Mass when he is trying to make sure he is prepared for Mass.